This Isn't an Erotic Novel
I didn't think Su Ah would be so flustered over her writing. I hadn't meant to pry or make her feel uncomfortable; I'd simply been curious. Seeing her so disgruntled even after we finished breakfast, made me wonder if she might be writing something a little more adult than I had initially assumed.
Maybe it wasn't the type of thing she was comfortable talking about in a room full of her family members.
In any case, it was none of my business and I left it at that. At least, I wanted to. Really. But Su Ah had been brooding ever since.
Even the rhythmic click of her keyboard as I laid in bed that afternoon was slower and quieter. Maybe because it was later in the day and she was conscious of that. Or perhaps she was distracted by the thoughts of whatever it was that was bothering her.
Either way, I decided that the next day I would help her overcome that hurdle.
Therefore…
"Noona, are you writing an erotic novel?" I asked, bluntly. Su Ah, who was minding her own business, reading, blinked. A moment later, her face turned so red, that for a split second, I was almost worried about her blood pressure.
"What? No! Who the hell do you take me for?!" She almost threw the book she was holding. Almost. "Of course not!" She hissed, outraged and embarrassed.
I raised a brow, unimpressed by the reaction.
"Why do you think that, even? Do I seem like someone who would write something that... lewd...?"
"You do." I replied honestly. Su Ah gawked, before glaring at me. It wasn't as if I meant it in a derogatory way, nor would I think less of her, if she were to be writing erotic fiction. "Don't make it out like it's something to be ashamed about. It's just fiction. If it were real people then that'd be a problem." And if it wasn't just fiction, I didn't need to know about it, at the very least.
Su Ah blinked owlishly at me. "W-Well, it isn't, so stop making it out to seem that it is!" She turned her nose, pouty.
"So what's the issue, then?" I asked. "I don't want to butt in where I'm not wanted, but I've grown quite fond of falling asleep to the sound of your keyboard. And it's not quite as pleasant, hearing the keys being smashed into the keyboard and the backspace key being hammered."
"Are you serious?"
"Yep."
Su Ah's eyes widened. She seemed almost surprised, to a certain degree, even flattered, that someone took interest in her hobby enough to want her to continue pursuing it.
She sighed. "I don't think you'd really be of any help, though." She replied, her voice barely a whisper. "It's... not really your... genre..."
"Well, I doubt you'd write a football novel, so it was kind of expected. But that's okay. Maybe I could help you with whatever it is you're stuck with, even if it's not the genre." I sat beside her, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back. "Talking it out with someone might help you see it from another perspective."
It took Su Ah a bit to gather the courage to open her mouth again, after the silence had stretched into an uncomfortable eternity. When she finally managed to get words out, it came out in a jumbled mess of half-sentences, barely coherent. "Well... I'm struggling to write a... kissing scene." She looked up at the ceiling and I could tell that it was taking every ounce of self control for her not to look me in the eyes.
"A kissing scene?"
"..." Her expression said, yes. "It's just that... well, how do I put it... I can't visualize it, or write it well. It doesn't seem believable to me." Su Ah sighed. "It's not the first time I'm writing about kissing or making out or stuff like that... but I can't really write about something I haven't experienced before. I don't have a reference."
"Can't you use other kissing scenes from different stories? You could try and make them your own, or combine them." I suggested.
"It wouldn't feel authentic, though. It has to feel natural." Su Ah groaned in her hands. "Come on, go on! Laugh! I'm struggling with writing about kissing, and it's not even an erotic novel! Just laugh!" She threw her arms out, exasperated and embarrassed. It was almost endearing, seeing her like this, so open and vulnerable, yet, so hilariously dramatic and extra. The corners of my lips tugged up.
"Why are you smiling?!"
"No, I'm just..." I chuckled. "You're too hard on yourself."
"I am not..."
"I'm pretty sure, there's lots of people that can't visualize or write a good kissing scene, despite the experience, or lack of, and it doesn't have to be that big of a deal." I replied.
"But it is! It's a crucial scene for both the characters' relationship and for their character growth. I can't mess this up." Su Ah insisted.
"Have you tried kissing a pillow for practice?" I couldn't help a little brotherly jab.
"Jae-il!" She punched my thigh repeatedly, as if those dainty, weak paws of hers were going to hurt me in any way, shape or form.
"Okay, okay. That was too far."
"It was." Su Ah glared. She stopped after realizing she was doing more good for my thigh's blood circulation than any actual damage. She sighed again. "It's just... I want it to be perfect. I want to be the best at writing..." She said, almost as if she were confessing her deepest desire, with her eyes shining and bright and hopeful.
For someone that was so much academically inclined than most people her age, she had an incredible, wide imagination and love for the arts. She wrote, drew, painted and read.
She was quite the talented girl. I think that, even though I was the 'genius', Su Ah could have been as good as, if not even better, at anything, had she been given a chance and had she put her mind into it.
And now she wanted to be a writer. She had found her passion.
As someone who had Su Ah impassively cheering for me during every single one of my football games, despite her lack of love for sports in general, I wanted to be supportive of her. I owed her that, and so much more, as a little brother and a friend, and a family member.
I wished I could've provided better help and insight, but...
"Jae-il, have you ever kissed someone? What does it feel like?"
Her voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
I arched my eyebrows in surprise, and truthfully I didn't even know which hat of experience I should've picked my answer from.
There was the experience from my previous life, which would've been a little overwhelming for the scene she had in mind.
And then there was the experience from my new, teenage life. A blank slate. A pure body that was only recently being corrupted by nature's calling of fucking anything that moved.
It's been so long since I've... kissed someone on the lips. Before my untimely death, the last thing my lips had been on wasn't a mouth, at all. It was a woman, lower down—far lower. Chapstick wasn't used there.
That was the final intimacy I'd tasted before dying on the pitch.
No gentle goodnight kiss, no lingering brush of mouths in the dark.
And now, here I was, reincarnated into a boy whose lips had all the mileage of a factory-fresh sedan, being asked about kissing like I was some seasoned consultant.
The irony of it almost made me laugh, if it wouldn't have immediately blown my cover.
How do you explain that the memory of something so intimate felt less like a romantic experience and more like finding an old receipt in your wallet for a purchase you can't even remember making?
I guess the answer was... no, I hadn't really. Not with the same feelings as her characters. I couldn't say that there ever was a chapter in my life where I kissed out of love and not out of lust.
I stared at her. I couldn't decide. So, I did what any reasonable, wise, smart, cool guy would do. I shrugged.
"I don't know."
"You've never…? Really?!" She looked shocked, incredulous.
"Well… yeah. I mean, it's not like I'm actively seeking that type of stuff, so… no. Never."
It wasn't exactly a lie.
It wasn't even as if I wouldn't seek it out, but being explicit with Su Ah would easily steer the conversation in an unhelpful direction.
Su Ah looked genuinely baffled, like she couldn't believe that her hot-shot of a little brother hadn't had his first kiss. It was almost insulting, in a way.
But I couldn't exactly blame her. After all, she wasn't completely in the wrong, to be fair. The amount of times I was called hot and handsome and other synonyms of that sort by girls my age, younger, and older than me was staggering.
In any case, Su Ah shook her head, snapping out of whatever that dazed expression she had was.
She sighed, once again.
"You're of no use to me..." She hummed. I could practically see the cogs inside her brain whirring and clicking into place as she thought, her face pinched in concentration.
"Well, sorry that I'm not exactly the expert in kissing." I rolled my eyes.
"Maybe you should be, though." She mused, more to herself than to me. I raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to explain, as she seemed lost in thought.
She didn't respond for a while.
"Maybe there's another way to get some inspiration." Su Ah's voice dropped a couple of registers. There was some unwillingness there, but a chilling determination to see it done.
I was almost tempted to get up and get the fuck out; perhaps I should really learn not to shove my nose where it's not wanted.
Still…
"Such as?" I urged her to go on, tilting my head.
"We could..." Her eyes flicked up to mine and away, as she bit her bottom lip, nervously. She sighed, again, and again, almost as if she couldn't believe it herself.
It must've been a really important scene.
I waited.
She took a deep, shaky breath, before finally meeting my gaze with an unexpected resolution. Her lips trembled and she steeled herself, before finally coming out with what she'd meant to say. "We… we could just kiss. Just once. To help me write that scene. And to get you started. You know. So that you don't have your first kiss in your thirties, or something."
She looked away, tucking some hair behind her ear.
Her tone was so matter of fact that it took me a minute to fully understand her words, but I was so surprised I couldn't even react. I just sat there, processing what she'd just suggested.
"Excuse me, what?"
A/N: Please consider supporting me on P@/nneeil. Got over 30 advanced chapters over there and illustrations as well ^^ Like ReplyReport Reactions:SquirtleTurtle, IAVL, Demon_queen and 105 othersNneeilSep 29, 2025NewAdd bookmarkView discussionThreadmarks Chapter 48: Crossing a Line New View contentNneeilKnow what you're doing yet?
Crossing a Line
Did Su Ah really just say what I think she just said? No, seriously, because I was having a hard time trying to believe that had actually come out of her mouth.
My brain stalled. A kiss? With Su Ah? My sister. Not a sister-like figure, but my actual sister. Same blood, same roof, same childhood.
I wasn't sure if I should laugh, cry, or book myself a therapy session in advance.
"You… can't be serious." I finally managed, my voice half a whisper.
No amount of boot camp could've ever prepared me for this.
Her cheeks burned red again, but she didn't back down. She crossed her arms like she was trying to keep herself from shaking. "I am serious. Don't make me repeat myself."
I blinked. Twice. My mind was screaming at me to play it off as a joke, but the way she avoided my eyes told me she wasn't kidding.
"Noona, that's—" I stopped mid-sentence. I didn't even know how to finish it. Weird? Wrong? Stupid? All of the above? None of them seemed right when she was looking at me like that, caught somewhere between embarrassment and determination.
She bit her lip again. "It's just research. Nothing more. We'd forget about it after. Like it never happened."
I leaned back, running a hand over my face. My heart was doing this erratic dance in my chest, like it had no idea what emotion to follow.
"Forget about it? Noona, if we do that, there's no way either of us is forgetting. That's… that's not how it works."
Silence hung heavy between us. She fidgeted, her fingers restless.
"I just don't want my writing to feel fake." She said softly, almost pleading.
And that was the problem. She wasn't joking. She wasn't playing around. She meant it. Su Ah? Pleading? God, the world was about to end.
I didn't answer right away. My thoughts twisted in a hundred different directions, none of them making sense.
Did I really want to cross that line, even just once?
Would she regret it?
Would I?
I swallowed hard, realizing I had about three seconds to decide whether to shut this down or let it spiral into something neither of us could take back.
"J-Just hear me out! We'd forget about it! No one needs to know. Not mom, not dad, not anyone. Just... a secret. A small, innocent secret. Just one kiss, and it'll be over, okay?" She added to the case. "I really want to get over this writing hurdle and... and I think that doing this might really help me."
I knew that look, the way she held her chin just so, the stubborn glint in her eyes that told me she'd made up her mind.
"Noona, I'm not sure if—" She cut me off before I could finish, her words tumbling out faster than I could think.
"Please, Jae-il." Her tone was almost begging. "If I can't visualize the kiss, then I won't be able to write it convincingly, and... it'll ruin the entire scene and then the entire story..."
I sighed.
She had that vulnerable, pleading expression that made it almost impossible to refuse her, as if I was some heartless monster for not wanting to do what she was asking of me, despite how insane and bizarre it was. It made my chest hurt. "Noona, this is a bad idea."
She looked at me, then looked away. Then back at me again. "I know it is. But…"
My jaw clenched and I forced myself to relax, to think past the immediate 'what the hell' of the situation.
"Just one time." Su Ah's voice dropped, holding one finger up. The blush on her face faded as the seriousness of her request was too much to let embarrassment take center stage. "It'll be quick, just a few seconds."
My head buzzed. A soft exhale. I couldn't take a strategic approach to this. No way to twist it, no way to soften it. We shared DNA. Photo albums. I could even see a bit of myself on her face. This was the kind of shit that happened in dramas, nightmares, and tabloid scandals.
And yet, here she was, sitting across from me, serious as death, asking for something that went against every grain of logic I had. She wasn't smirking or trying to embarrass me. She wasn't Mia. There was no subtle, thinly-veiled flirting, no deliberate stretches that pulled shirts a little too high or skirts a little too low. No casual 'accidents' that weren't accidents at all.
I thought about football, about how many times I'd stood on the field with the ball at my feet, the crowd holding its breath, the split second where hesitation meant failure. A high stakes penalty.
Sometimes you didn't have the luxury of choosing the perfect option—you just chose an option.
And maybe this was like that. Not perfect, maybe even wrong. But it mattered to her.
I wanted to walk away, and the rational angel on my shoulder nodded in agreement.
But the little demon on the other shoulder had his elbow resting on the rational angel's head, and he was telling me to do it anyway. He was saying that, even though she was my sister, it wasn't as if it were incest. Neither of us meant it that way.
This was a purely academic exercise. A simple kiss wouldn't certainly kill anyone.
She didn't have ulterior motives like Mia. Nor would she enjoy this.
It was a terrible idea, but I'd done a lot of things I shouldn't have in my life. Murdering someone certainly didn't rank low on the list.
What's one, small, tiny kiss, right? Compared to that, this was barely an issue.
"Okay."
The word escaped before I could rethink it.
She looked stunned, her lips parted in surprise. "Really? You'll do it?"
"Do I need to say it twice?" I arched a brow.
A beat, then her expression softened into something like gratitude, mixed with relief and no small amount of hesitation.
She sighed. "Gosh, now that I think about it, you'll be my first kiss."
The hesitation on her face, now that I agreed to it, had become more apparent. I wished she'd been the one to change her mind.
"I'm not sure how to feel about that." I admitted. It didn't sound right, not even in my own ears.
She smiled, a nervous laugh escaping her. "Me too." She shook her head, trying to shake off whatever she was feeling. "Well then, should we just get it over with?" She asked, awkward and nervous, yet eager and curious, too.
"I guess..."
Needless to say, I didn't share her enthusiasm.
But I'd already agreed to it.
I'd just have to get this over and done with, and hope that the whole thing wouldn't come back to haunt me later.
"So..." Su Ah fidgeted, quickly looking around to see if anyone would stumble upon them in true cliché fashion. "How do we do this?"
"..." I stared at her, and she stared back, her cheeks turning pink, a mix of curiosity and shyness. "How about... you come here and... lean in?" Because I couldn't trust myself to back out of it at the last second. I'd rather stay immobile like a mannequin and wait for it to end.
Su Ah thought about it for a second, then nodded. She scooted closer, until our knees touched, and then looked up at me expectantly.
She leaned forward, her hands resting on my chest as she brought her face closer.
I could see every detail of her face, the soft curve of her jaw, the way her skin flushed a gentle pink. She smelled of shampoo and body wash and the faint vanilla of her hand cream.
I wondered if she'd close her eyes or keep them open. I didn't care; I'd close mine.
The soft puff of her minty breath washed over my face and I knew that was it.
When our lips finally met, it wasn't how I'd imagined kissing my sister would be, mostly because I'd never let my mind go there. But if I'd had to imagine it, I'd probably have gone with something awkward, uncomfortable, or even slightly repulsive.
It wasn't that, at all.
It was soft, tentative. Su Ah was clearly nervous and inexperienced, and I couldn't tell if it made the whole thing better or worse.
Her lips moved against mine with a cautious exploration. I felt her hand press lightly against my chest as she adjusted the angle. The touch was so gentle, so hesitant, that I wondered if she'd changed her mind, or if she was waiting for me to push her away.
Wasn't it supposed to last a few seconds? Her mouth dragged slightly downward, catching my bottom lip in a soft, wet embrace.
"Wait..." She breathed against me. "Let me just..."
Her lips moved up again and she kissed me with slightly more pressure, as if committing the sensation to memory, the soft give of skin against skin, the gentle puff of her breath, the warmth that spread across our joined mouths. A moan—definitely involuntary—escaped her.
I opened my mouth to speak, and she opened hers in tandem, almost as if to deepen the kiss into something... more... more of a real kiss...
And then she pulled back, a blush spreading across her cheeks.
I stared at her, not sure what to say or how to react. Su Ah was just as quiet, her expression a mix of wonder, confusion, and—
She suddenly got up and ran off upstairs.
"..."
Yeah…
I think I might go to church this sunday.
A/N: I'm aware that Jae-il may seem to hesitate so much when it comes to the ambiguous situation between his sisters, but I've built him up to be AGAINST that kind of thing. Incest isn't something he'd have usually entertained. Why? Because to me, there's nothing more delicious than the slow, inevitable descent into pure immorality. The moral degradation and corruption that becomes obsession. Realizing how fucked-up it is, yet still craving it all the same. Whether it is Mia, Su Ah, Eun Ha, and even Jae-il himself in the near future.
A/N: Please consider supporting me on P@/nneeil. Got over 30 advanced chapters over there and illustrations as well ^^ Like ReplyReport Reactions:SquirtleTurtle, IAVL, Ciolekovsky20 and 116 othersNneeilOct 1, 2025NewAdd bookmarkView discussionThreadmarks Chapter 49: For Research Purposes New View contentNneeilKnow what you're doing yet?Oct 1, 2025Add bookmark#203Chapter 49: For Research Purposes
Su Ah's POV:
Her legs carried her upstairs faster than her mind could catch up. She closed the door behind her, pressing her back against it as her breath came in shallow, uneven bursts.
Su Ah raised a hand to touch her lips, feeling them still warm from the brief moment they'd shared together. She looked at her hands, they were faintly trembling, as if her body was still processing the aftershocks. She closed her eyes, trying to steady her racing heart.
A deep inhale, an even deeper exhale.
A few more breaths followed and she sat on the edge of the bed. Her mind replayed the scene in slow motion, as if to capture and preserve every sensation. She gulped, wrenching her hand away from her lips for fear of wiping the kiss away.
Okay. She just had her first kiss.
With Jae-il. Her brother. No big deal, really.
It was a quick kiss, a small gesture. A small act. Just research. For writing.
Yeah, it was just for research. It was for the story. For the story. It didn't mean anything.
Damn. 'What did I do?' It wasn't until she finally had what she wanted that she realized the weight of her actions. Her whole face burned with embarrassment.
Maybe asking her brother for help, in a manner like that, was a little too much? No. It wasn't just that. It was the fact that she liked it, that the kiss had felt so unexpectedly nice that it scared her.
It had felt... warm and soft, but not in a gross, brotherly way. It felt nice, the kind of nice that she couldn't find words for, the kind of feeling that had made her lean in and prolong the kiss.
She should've pulled away sooner.
Still, it was no use crying over spilled milk now. Determination welled within her. Her eyes moved to the desk where her laptop sat, the screen still faintly glowing from earlier. She pushed herself up and sat in front of it, fingers hesitating over the keys before finally pressing down. She would write. She would channel everything she felt into her characters, into their story. If there was one thing she was certain of, it was that the scene she'd struggled with for so long, would flow out of her effortlessly.
And she wouldn't be ashamed. Because it was for her art.
Su Ah typed fast, almost clumsy at first, as if the details would slip away if she didn't catch them quickly enough. The closeness, the breath, the soft pressure. The hammering of her heart when their lips met and she couldn't think about anything else but him.
The words poured onto the screen with a new confidence, each sentence capturing the feelings and emotions that were still fresh in her mind and on her lips. She wrote it all down before her mind could second-guess.
The clatter of keys filled the room until her breathing steadied. When she stopped, she leaned back slightly, staring at the words on the screen.
With a sigh, Su Ah ran a hand through her hair, feeling a mix of relief and nerves.
It was done.
The scene she had been struggling with, was finally finished. And it felt real, like something that could happen to any couple in the world.
She saved her document, closed her laptop and stood up.
Okay, what now?
The research was done and over with. She had gotten what she wanted.
She lingered by the desk, unsure if standing up had been the right choice, but sitting wouldn't be of any help either. Sure, the satisfaction of getting over her writer's block might not have been worth crossing that line with Jae-il, but at least... her first kiss was with someone who she could trust.
Someone who wouldn't judge her.
Yeah...
It was not that bad.
Su Ah figured that maybe a kiss shared between two consenting siblings was fine. It wasn't like it was a kiss with... other intentions. No feelings were involved, no romantic or sexual undertones. They were both single, they were both inexperienced in the field, and it wasn't as if it would go any further. Or that it had been done with the purpose of doing... other stuff.
Yeah, it was totally fine.
She let herself free fall on the bed, sighing as she closed her eyes. She was a good writer now. That's what she needed, wasn't it? More knowledge on her own.
That's it.
This was just... a learning experience.
She wouldn't regret it.
And Jae-il wouldn't either. Probably.
…
When dinner came around, Su Ah wasn't hungry. She stayed cooped up in her room, wasting away on the bed. Neither fully awake nor asleep. Just there, eyes closed.
Knock knock—
She was tempted not to respond.
But the sound kept on coming back.
Su Ah groaned. "Yes...?"
The door opened. Su Ah rolled around with a scowl. "I don't remember giving you permission to enter."
Surprisingly, it wasn't Jae-il, who was usually the one that came checking in on her when she stayed for hours without eating. Su Ah's scowl faltered the moment Mia stepped in, closing the door gently behind her.
"What do you want?" Su Ah muttered, pulling the blanket halfway over her face.
Mia raised an eyebrow. "That's how you greet your sister? I came to see if you were alive. Mom's worried you're skipping dinner again."
"I'm fine." Su Ah said quickly, maybe too quickly. Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. "Just tired."
Mia didn't buy it. She sat at the edge of the bed. "Tired, huh? Then why's your face so red?"
Su Ah froze, pulling the light bedsheet higher until only her eyes peeked out.
"I-I'm warm! That's all. It's summer!"
Her older sister, stared, unconvinced. "You don't say..."
Su Ah narrowed her eyes. "Why do you even care, huh?"
"I don't. I just want you to eat dinner."
"Well, I'm not hungry. You can leave now."
Mia sighed, looking up at the ceiling. Then her eyes fell back on Su Ah's face, a sly smile on her lips. "Oh my God. You've just kissed, haven't you?"
Su Ah's face paled. How did she find out?! Was it really so obvious? Had Jae-il snitched?!
Mia chuckled. "So I'm right, then. Did you finally confess your feelings to your boyfriend or what?" She teased. Su Ah groaned inwardly. Why was she being like this? Why was she so nosy? Couldn't she just go and mind her own business?
Mia's grin widened, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Look, I know I'm nosy, but you have that look on your face, the look that says, 'I just had my first kiss'."
Did something like that even exist?! Su Ah was appalled.
Mia paused dramatically, leaning closer, and whispered. "Was it a good kiss? Did he kiss you back?"
Su Ah could almost hear her ears sizzling, and feel her brain melting inside her skull. The urge to curl up into a ball and hide under the covers was overwhelming. "I'm not telling you anything."
"Oh come on. You don't have to—"
"I'm not telling you anything." Su Ah hid under the pillow. "Leave, please." Her voice was muffled.
Mia rolled her eyes, and got up. "Okay, fine, fine. Don't tell your sister the juicy deets of your first kiss. Whatever." She left.
The moment she did, Su Ah breathed out. Mia had no way of knowing the truth. Not that she would ever suspect that the boy Su Ah kissed had been their brother. Still, the fact that she noticed something was amiss was quite worrying. She couldn't let her find out. Not that she had done anything bad. She just... couldn't let her know.
She laid there for a few minutes, her mind racing, her thoughts scattered, until eventually she decided to get up and go down to eat. Not because she was hungry, but shutting herself in her room would only be cause for more concern. She figured the best way to forget and move, was exactly that. Behave, pretend, that nothing had happened.
Su Ah nodded to herself, heading downstairs, a determined frown on her face, ready to brave her family.
"Good evening..." She mumbled, walking into the dining room.
Her mom turned, a relieved smile on her face. "Oh, you're here! Just in time!"
Mia had a surprised look on her face, clearly not expecting that stubborn, vampire-looking sister of hers would show up. Su Ah gulped as her line of sight completely skipped Jae-il. She sat across from him, though, which made it a lot harder to ignore him.
Eun Ha started serving the dishes. "So how was everyone's day?" Her voice cut through the silence.
Mia was quick to reply, giving a detailed summary of her mundane day, which, frankly, nobody asked for.
"And Jae-il?" Her mom turned to the quietest one of her children.
"I went out for a run. Went grocery shopping. Then came back home and did homework. It was... okay, I guess." He shrugged. "Boring. Nothing interesting."
Su Ah's grip tightened on the chopsticks, a small huff leaving her mouth. She tried to ignore the fact that she had been the most 'interesting' part of his day, even though he made it out to seem as if that wasn't the case at all.
She felt her face heating up again.
Eun Ha turned to her, then. "And what about you?"
Su Ah froze for a split second. "Um, same as Jae-il." Her heart raced as she lied, her eyes flicking to her brother's, then away again. "Nothing much happened."
Eun Ha smiled warmly, not noticing the slight quiver in her voice. She placed a dish of noodles on the table.
"What about you, mother?"
Jae-il asked, and Eun Ha blinked in surprise. Clearly, nobody had ever bothered to ask her how her day had gone.
She looked a bit shy, and a bit flustered, but a smile bloomed on her face. "Oh, it was the usual. Boring, mostly. I did the chores and... that's it."
"That's all you do." Jae-il remarked with a sigh. "Doesn't father take you out? Does he do anything with you, at all?"
Eun Ha looked down, an embarrassed expression crossing her face, but she quickly hid it away. "Not really, but that's okay! It's fine, really..."
He held his chin in one hand, elbow propping it up. Su Ah found his purple eyes mesmerizing, like the sky right after the sun sets, where the blue meets the black. "You know what? We should go somewhere. Just us." Jae-il said, looking at their mother, his voice calm but firm.
Eun Ha blinked at him, clearly caught off guard. "Huh? Oh, no, you don't need to worry about me. You kids already have enough to do—"
"All the more reason." Jae-il interrupted softly. "You deserve more than just chores and waiting for father to come home."
The table fell quiet. Even Mia, who always had something to add, stayed silent, her gaze flicking between him and their mother.
Su Ah stared at him, her chopsticks frozen mid-air. She wasn't sure why his words hit her the way they did. Maybe it was the rare gentleness in his tone, or maybe it was the way he could look someone in the eye and make them feel seen.
Eun Ha laughed nervously, brushing it off. "You're a sweet boy, Jae-il. But really, I'm fine."
Still, her smile lingered longer than usual, softer this time.
"I'm not taking 'no' for an answer. It's decided." Jae-il said with a tone of finality. "Let me get some stuff sorted out and I'll take you somewhere nice."
"Ah, you..."
An uncharacteristic pout formed on her mother's face, but she quickly gave up and nodded, giving him a small smile. It was the first time either of them had seen such... a juvenile form of expression on Eun Ha's face. The kind of gentle smile that, perhaps, had father been there at that moment, he'd have been reminded of her younger days.
Su Ah lowered her eyes back to her bowl.
She couldn't help but feel that, in a way, her little brother was a better child to their mom than she and Mia combined.
A/N: Please consider supporting me on P@/nneeil. Got over 30 advanced chapters over there and illustrations as well ^^ Like ReplyReport Reactions:SquirtleTurtle, IAVL, Ciolekovsky20 and 102 othersNneeilOct 1, 2025NewAdd bookmarkView discussionThreadmarks Chapter 50: Su Ah Gazes into the Abyss New View contentNneeilKnow what you're doing yet?Oct 2, 2025Add bookmark#209Chapter 50: Su Ah Gazes into the Abyss
It's been about three days since I last talked to Su Ah. I wasn't ignoring her per se. It's just that, we had both agreed not to talk about it or mention it to anyone. And I think she's taken that as not speaking at all. Obviously, she would feel weird, considering the circumstances, so I was trying to make it easier by pretending nothing had changed, and just letting her take the time to come around.
She didn't.
Not in three days, anyway.
She was avoiding me. And not even in a very discreet way, either. The only times she would actually acknowledge my existence were during meals.
I wish I had enough patience to wait it out, but I was a man with limited resources and a short lifespan, not some monk.
I didn't have a thousand years to waste waiting for a girl's hormones and emotions to stabilize.
Honestly, I didn't know what led me to her room.
Well, technically, I did.
Being more mature than the rest meant having the moral responsibility of fixing the situation when one of them got stuck in their head. So there I stood, in front of her door, hand raised, fist curled, as if to knock.
I wasn't nervous, nor was I embarrassed. But the fact that there were still a few, fleeting, memories of the kiss in the back of my mind, made the situation a little awkward. Still, I knocked, knowing fully well that, had it not been for me, Su Ah might not have ever moved on.
And that was not the kind of person I was.
"Yes?" I heard from behind the door. There was an obvious, hesitant pause, as Su Ah waited, expecting it to be either Mia or Eun Ha, and then she spoke again. "Who is it?"
"Jae-il." I replied, calmly.
"Ah… come in." Her voice sounded a bit nervous. It made me sigh. She really needed to stop acting like she'd committed a grave sin.
I entered her room, softly closing the door behind us.
She was sitting cross-legged on her bed. A tank top and black, dolphin shorts. For some reason, Korean women loved wearing dolphin shorts. Mia wore them regularly, as did Dae Hee last time I saw her. Su Ah, clearly, was also part of that cult. As cute as it was, for well-developed women like them, it was a bit inappropriate, in my opinion.
"What do you want?" Her voice had an edge to it that made her question seem like an accusation rather than a simple query. It made me sigh again. "Can you stop doing that?!" She snapped, glaring.
"Stop what?"
"The… sighing!" Her eyebrows twitched. I could see she was getting increasingly more irritated.
I was about to sigh again, but stopped myself before the air could come out.
She looked away, pursing her lips, clearly upset about something.
"Alright, no more sighing, but that means I'll have to go straight to the point, and you won't like it one bit, Noona." I said, razor sharp, as I sat down on her well-curated writing setup. "Do you really hate kissing me so much that you'll avoid me for the next ten years?"
She glared. "That's not why!" She blurted, as if the mere idea was offensive to her.
"In that case, can you talk to me, Noona? I don't like this air between us, and it's coming mostly from you. Now, my biggest mistake in this whole situation was probably indulging you in the first place, but if we're going to make this right and move past this, then we both need to talk it out." I explained, looking up at her.
She looked down. "I just… don't want things to change between us."
"You're the only one changing things. I haven't moved a bit, Noona."
"Right..." Su Ah huffed; a sarcastic chuckle that had me raise my eyebrows. "I forgot. You're 'mature', and you don't have any 'stupid thoughts' in your mind. Well, good for you, I'm glad that you didn't get to experience the 'horrible' sensation of kissing your sister."
"Hey..." I said, softly, leaning over. "I thought the same thing as you. It was just a kiss. Between siblings. It was not that big of a deal, and it wasn't going to go anywhere. I was just thinking of you and your story, that's all. That's all it was." I narrowed my eyes, almost feeling sick at the words that came next. "Did it mean something more to you?"
Please don't let it be the case...
It was stupid, unbelievable, and outright ridiculous to believe your own sister could have feelings for you, but Mia had been the first to put the seed in my mind, and Su Ah was only feeding the beast by acting so weirdly. If it was indeed that, then...
"No! Absolutely not! No!" She looked at me like I'd grown two heads. "Are you kidding?!"
I stared, waiting for her to elaborate.
"That's what's weirding me out!" She exclaimed, exasperatedly.
I heaved a sigh of relief. "Oops. Sorry." I chuckled.
"It's okay!" She waved a hand. "You can sigh, I know I'm being a bit too much..."
"That's probably the understatement of the century." I smiled.
She huffed, rolling her eyes. "I guess I feel a little guilty... for doing something like that... to you, of all people. It's like I took advantage of you."
I laughed. "You? Taking advantage of me? No way."
"What's that supposed to mean?!" She crossed her arms.
"Exactly what I said. You're not taking advantage of me." I shook my head. "I was the one who made the choice of helping you, that day, because I didn't think much of it. And it's still true. We both made a choice, and there's no victim or culprit in this story, merely a moral conundrum. We're not doing any more damage by not talking about it and acting like nothing has happened. It's okay to feel guilty, I do too. But you're treating a simple cause-and-effect as if it were a moral catastrophe, when it isn't."
"Yes, but it was your first kiss..."
I shrugged.
"What? Don't you feel like you wasted it?"
"No. Because I don't care."
"But what if, later on, you regret not giving your first kiss to your girlfriend?"
I snorted. "I'm not a sentimental fool."
"But—!"
"No. Stop. We're not doing that." I interrupted. "Look, Noona. I know this whole thing is a bit weird and maybe you feel bad, but it didn't mean anything for me, and nor did it for you. It was a fully consensual exchange of help. If you're so concerned about it, I'm giving you my full consent right now, in advance and retroactively. So please. Let's just... move on, and forget about this."
She stared at me for a long time, before sighing and looking away, as if to think over my words. She nodded. "Fine. Okay. Fine. Let's move on."
I stood up, feeling a lot lighter now that this conversation was out of the way. I turned to leave. "Okay. Then we're fine. We're back to being normal. Nothing happened, nothing will happen, and we're all good."
She nodded, though there was still a shadow of doubt on her face.
I opened the door and stepped outside. Before closing it, however, I paused. "Ah, and, Noona."
Su Ah looked up. "Yes?"
"If you really do feel bad for taking away my first kiss, don't. You didn't."
"What?"
"I've already had my first kiss." I said, simply.
"Huh?"
"See?" I chuckled. "You didn't do anything bad at all."
I left, closing the door behind me, leaving a bewildered Su Ah alone in her room.
xXx
Su Ah's POV:
Wait...
What did he mean by that?
Su Ah's eyes widened as the realization hit her. Did Jae-il just say he had already had his first kiss?
With who?! When?! How?!
Su Ah sank back against her pillows, letting out a long breath. Relief washed over her like cool water.
And yet, that relief didn't feel clean.
In a way, she didn't feel clean, not with herself or her thoughts. Because under the light of this revelation, she felt a restless frustration that had her more scared than the kiss itself.
She had spent days replaying that scene with Jae-il, and each day, it felt like she was losing herself in it. She spent time, analyzing, breaking it down, trying to understand why it hadn't felt… abnormal or disgusting. Clearly, it should've been.
That'd have been a normal reaction. Maybe it was the purpose behind it?
She didn't know—she had nothing to go by, nothing to compare it to.
Her feelings were a swamp. She couldn't distinguish what was clear water or dark sludge anymore.
She tossed around, curling her knees up.
Why did it matter to her that Jae-il already had his first kiss?
It didn't make any sense. They'd shared meals, holidays, laughter; she had even once held him when he was a babe.
And he had a first kiss. And Su Ah was... upset. Why was she so upset about it? She didn't understand. She was supposed to be happy that she hadn't been the one to ruin it for him. She had no right to feel anything.
Su Ah's heart pounded, and she closed her eyes, trying to push away the confusion and jealousy. It didn't work. It just made it worse.
She buried her face in her pillow, not even caring that it made it harder to breathe.
She shouldn't care.
She shouldn't feel like she'd lost a chance.
She should've been relieved.
And she was.
And she hated it.
Her nails dug into her pillow, before, in a burst of frustration, she threw it across the room.
Rolling around in a sitting position, Su Ah grabbed her phone and checked Jae-il's Kakao account. Surely, at 15 years old, the list of potential partners was not that big. And she would've noticed something, too. Perhaps it happened at school; he didn't seem the type to do it with a stranger, not with how mature it was.
It was pure curiosity.
Su Ah merely wanted to know for research. And for Jae-il's sake.
She had to.
She didn't even know why, but the curiosity was killing her from the inside. It was a mystery she couldn't leave unresolved. If she didn't get answers right there and then, she wouldn't sleep.
Asking him outright would be too invasive, so she decided to scroll through his followers.
However, when she saw the staggering number, she realized the task wouldn't be easy. His followers ranged in the tens of thousands, with an obvious majority being female. Of course.
Su Ah gulped, her hands trembling.
Damn Jae-il. He really had to relieve her of a burden, just to throw her another. It would've been easier to ask him directly.
Still, this... dark curiosity pushed her to do it anyway. She might've been gazing into an abyss there was no coming back from.
And she hated herself for it.
A/N: Please consider supporting me on P@/nneeil. Got over 30 advanced chapters over there and illustrations as well ^^ Like ReplyReport Reactions:SquirtleTurtle, IAVL, Ciolekovsky20 and 98 othersNneeilOct 2, 2025NewAdd bookmarkView discussionThreadmarks Chapter 51: A Violent Way of Doing it New View contentNneeilKnow what you're doing yet?Oct 4, 2025Add bookmark#219Chapter 51: A Violent Way of Doing it
If you had to shape darkness, how would you describe it? What would it feel like? What would you compare it to? What texture? What smell, what temperature, what flavor?
Would you say it's the color of a crow's wings?
Or perhaps the sky when there's no moon?
Or maybe the shadows cast by trees on a winter night, stark and cold against the white snow?
Those things are beautiful, aren't they? So how do you paint a darkness that isn't? A darkness that's not beautiful. Because, clearly, Su Ah wasn't thinking about beauty, or aesthetic at the moment. She was thinking of that one feeling you can't explain, can't describe, because you can't put a finger on it, can't see the source of that gnawing inside.
It was weird.
A little exciting.
Frustrating, too.
She didn't know if it had always been there, or if it had grown recently.
All Su Ah knew was that the darkness had a name, a name that didn't fit the shape it took in her mind.
She couldn't explain why she felt so angry and so frustrated, only that it was there. It was like an itch that was impossible to reach. It was there in every word, in every movement. It was there when she woke up, it was there when she ate, and when she went to bed.
A soft sigh left her lips as she leaned enough so that her head rested on the window.
Her eyes were not fixed on her faint reflection in the glass, but down, at the young man outside, in their backyard. He was training, like every morning, a sight so familiar that it almost felt normal, almost. She had never really bothered to stop and watch.
Jae-il was her brother, after all, why should she?
But lately, things have been different. Lately, she was noticing things she hadn't before, little things, things that, on their own, were nothing.
But together, they were something.
He was beautiful.
Not just beautiful, though.
He was mesmerizing. The way he moved, his face, the way he breathed.
He looked like the kind of boy who would be on the front page of Vogue.
Su Ah twirled a strand of dark hair around her finger as she continued watching him. She felt that itch, again, the one she could never scratch.
Then she caught sight of something else—well, someone else.
Her Unnie was there too, not too close, neither too far, just there, in the corner, sunbathing. Mia was lying on her back on a lounge chair, a swimsuit on, sunglasses on her nose, her hair a loose curtain around her. Su Ah could tell that her sister had a book with her, but she wasn't reading. She hadn't turned a page in at least half an hour.
Su Ah stood up abruptly and made her way down the stairs. As she walked out, she almost recoiled by how warm it was, warmer than it had been all summer.
The heat was stifling.
Su Ah walked towards her older sister, noticing that, indeed, the book on her chest had been left there, untouched. It was a novel, she recognized the author. And then she saw her sister's gaze, hidden behind sunglasses, focused on something in front of her.
The younger girl's eyes followed that trail, and her chest tightened as she found herself staring at her brother's bareback, muscles flexing as he moved in the sun. Su Ah cleared her throat slightly. "Is it a good book, Unnie?"
Was the sarcasm too thick? Her sister never reads. So what was the occasion?
Mia jerked up, as if snapped out of her thoughts, and she looked up at her younger sister. She didn't blush, didn't look embarrassed or caught, merely a bit startled. She smiled lazily, her lips stretching into a smirk that Su Ah knew well. "It is." Mia replied simply, as she settled back in the chair. "What are you doing out here?"
"..."
For a moment, Su Ah was out of words. She hadn't come down prepared to answer that question. There was no... real, good, or even valid answer, because the truth would sound ridiculous. "Oh, nothing. I was bored."
"Oh." Mia's smirk grew. "How nice of you to join me."
"It's hot out here. And sunny." Su Ah replied, looking around. It really was. And bright, too. "What are you even doing out here? You hate sunbathing."
She knew of her Unnie's obsession of being flawlessly pale and smooth. Just recently, she had gone on a skincare shopping spree, of course, at their father's expenses.
"I'm just relaxing. Getting some Vitamin D. Is there something wrong with that?" Mia's tone was playful.
No, nothing wrong with that. At least, on a surface level. Su Ah wanted to ask if her gaze ever strayed from her book, but she refrained. She didn't want to be nosy or seem like she was spying.
And, frankly, the thought that her Unnie was looking at their brother in such a... sensual way was just... wrong.
She didn't want to have to face it.
"No." Su Ah shrugged.
"Well then." Mia settled back down, closing her eyes behind the sunglasses. She seemed to have lost all interest in talking. She just wanted to bask in the sun.
This time, she closed the book, making no effort to pretend to read.
Su Ah stood there for a while, glancing at Jae-il, blissfully unaware as he performed calisthenics exercises, his headphones loud enough that she could hear a faint, thudding, repetitive beat coming out.
She wrenched her eyes away and made her way back inside. The AC's cool air was a welcome reprieve from the heat of the sun. What now? It wasn't a lie when she said that she was bored, and as mentally stimulating as watching Jae-il had been, Su Ah was not going to spend her time out in the sun when the inside was much cooler and far more comfortable.
After she got over her writer's block, another mental block had come up. It wasn't due to a lack of creativity, she was simply... uninspired. Unmotivated. In cases like this, Su Ah would usually pick up a book to get her mind flowing. However, for the first time ever, reading was no fun.
There were no more mysteries in her favorite novels, no more characters that she didn't understand. She didn't enjoy reading as much anymore because it felt too predictable.
She'd read too many books, too many times.
As she scanned her own library for inspiration, she tilted her head, when a title at the far end, dusty from lack of use, caught her eyes. From the moment she drew it out, it took her a good minute before she remembered why it was even there. "Wasn't this...?"
A particular disturbing book that she had put off because of... incest?
"..."
Su Ah glanced at the window, then back at the book.
Back then, she had frowned in disgust and nearly threw it away.
Now, though...
She was curious to see how it ended. It was a bit dark, a bit tragic, and...
"..."
It was a bad idea.
But then, she didn't have anything to lose. Besides, what harm could a mere book do to her?
She was bored anyway.
xXx
Jae-il's POV:
I walked past Mia, whose pale skin was being tortured under the sun's glare. I also had to ignore how painfully good she looked in that bikini. She looked up at me from behind her glasses and waved her fingers in greeting.
"Are you done?" She asked, stretching and squirming. Her sunglasses slid to the tip of her nose, her butter-yellow hair falling over one shoulder in a mess. She had a habit of running her hand along the length of it.
"Yeah." I muttered. "I need a shower."
"I bet." Mia grinned at me. She sat up on the lounge, pushing the sunglasses to her forehead. "After you do, wanna hang out or something? I'm so bored today. We could go to the arcade, or maybe a café or a movie or... wherever."
"I'll be busy studying, Noona."
She pursed her lips, a little put-off, before her gaze turned sly. "You can do that any time, Jae-il."
"I know. That's why I'm doing it now."
"..."
She heaved a deep, tragic sigh. "You know, I kind of feel like annoying you for the whole afternoon. What are your thoughts on that?"
I snorted. "Do as you wish, but I'll probably throw a shoe at you if you keep it up for more than 20 minutes." I replied, as I opened the sliding glass doors leading inside. Mia stood up, trailing behind.
"You'll never get a girlfriend with an attitude like that."
"My attitude will hardly be an issue when they're too busy shoving a Sharpie at me and pointing to their cleavage." I mumbled—it had happened way too many times before.
"Huh?!"
I turned. "What?"
"What was that last thing?"
"Nothing. I didn't say anything. What, are you hearing things?" I replied, nonchalantly.
She raised a hand, ready to slap my arm. I dodged.
"Hey! Don't run away!"
"Then don't try to slap me!"
"I'm just trying to make a point here!"
"You've got a very violent way of doing it, Noona."
"Shut it!" She chased after me all the way to the bathroom door.
I sighed, opening it. "I need a shower... you can wait until then, can't you?" I asked, a little worried she might follow me inside. No way, right?
Mia halted. She seemed to think about it, then smiled at me, her teeth baring in a threatening manner. "I'll wait for you, then." She gave me a coy, little smile. "If you're quick enough, I might even give you a Noona special body massage, since you just finished exercising..."
I blinked at her as she wiggled her eyebrows up and down, looking smug as all fuck.
And, slowly, without breaking eye contact, I closed the door.
A/N: Please consider supporting me on P@/nneeil. Got over 30 advanced chapters over there and illustrations (NSFW and SFW) as well ^^ Like ReplyReport Reactions:SquirtleTurtle, IAVL, Ciolekovsky20 and 94 othersNneeilOct 4, 2025NewAdd bookmarkView discussionThreadmarks Chapter 52: Training Camp New View contentNneeilKnow what you're doing yet?Oct 5, 2025Add bookmark#224Chapter 52: Training Camp
"Noona."
"Mhmm...?"
"What are you doing?"
Mia glanced up. She had a pencil in one hand and a sketchbook on her lap. She had propped herself up against my bed while I studied. She'd said that I could go study in peace and she wouldn't bother me, but then, as if on second thought, she followed me to my room, sat down, and stayed there.
Honestly? I preferred that over that special whatever massage she mentioned before. I knew that I flat out refused it after stepping out of the shower, but I was surprised she'd so easily give up on it considering her frustrating nature.
"I'm drawing, of course."
"I can see that, but why are you here?" I raised an eyebrow. "Don't you have a desk in your room? And a bed? And, like, privacy?"
Mia tilted her head, chewing on the pencil's eraser.
"Privacy is overrated. And my bed is uncomfortable. And I get lonely, so..." Her gaze dropped back to the page. She started drawing again. The strokes were slow and careful. "I promise I'll be quiet."
Every now and then, she paused, checked something, then continued.
"Alright." I mumbled, turning back to the textbook. "But don't be mad at me if you find my room unstimulating and boring. I'm just reading."
"I'm fine. Just keep reading."
I sighed, shaking my head a little. Still, it wasn't all that distracting, so I let her do as she wanted.
I returned to the chapter about DNA replication. The sound of her pencil against the paper filled the air. I had to admit that it wasn't as annoying as I had imagined it would be. Then again, my reasons for being guarded lately weren't unfounded.
She kept to her word and stayed quiet. It was nice. It felt... calming, almost. To hear her drawing, the rustling of the paper, the soft breaths she would take, or the occasional little hum.
I dragged my eyes back to the page.
DNA replication. Semi-conservative, meaning each new strand carried part of the old. Like memory written into flesh.
I underlined a sentence. Errors during replication can result in mutations.
Right. Mutations. The word sounded ugly, but technically, we were all just walking collections of mutations. Nobody wanted to admit that every 'unique' person was simply a copy of a copy, with a few printing mistakes along the way.
Then the book went further. Close genetic unions drastically increase the chance of defects, since overlapping DNA fails to introduce diversity.
I sat back. The phrasing felt polite, but the message was blunt: when two people with the same blueprint tried to make something new, the blueprint collapsed on itself. Too many overlaps. Too many repeated instructions. Like trying to write a novel with only one word. You'd end up with nonsense.
Unions between genetically close individuals are more prone to miscarriage and defects, including fatal diseases and genetic conditions. It isn't absolute, not every case ends in disaster, but the odds lean heavily in that direction. Nature doesn't play favorites; it just calculates probability.
'Why am I even reading this shit?'
The odds of disaster.
That's how the book phrased it, which sounded a little dramatic, like the kind of warning a mother gives to her daughter. 'Stay away from those boys.' 'They'll get you into trouble.' It's all too familiar.
But what about the opposite, what if there's a chance that a genetic union might be successful, despite all the risks?
What would be the price, the consequences, the outcome? I wasn't even talking about the actual child. That was an entirely separate set of issues. No. My concern was with the two people involved. Would they stay together? Would they be able to live with their choice and their past, or would guilt tear them apart?
Would they be able to live with the fact that, by creating a new life, they've condemned their offspring to a life of potential illness, deformity and early death?
And, if so, would they have any right to be happy? Or would it be just a facade to cover the fact that they're haunted by what they've done?
"Is it something bad?" Mia's voice pulled me out of my thoughts.
"Hm? What?"
"The thing you're thinking about." She looked at me, head slightly tilted.
One of her eyes was hidden behind a curtain of hair.
"Nothing, just feeling sentimental for a moment." I said, stretching a bit before wheeling around to face Mia. "Anyway, what are you drawing?"
Mia immediately held her sketchbook close to her chest, a guarded little smirk on her pretty face. "Heh, nothing?"
I frowned. "If it's nothing, why can't you show it?"
"Because I don't want to."
"You know, I can always wrestle it out of your hands."
She blinked, seemingly realizing that as well, and then her smile grew even wider. "Oh, can you, though?" And then she slid the damn thing under her top, right between her—
"Okay, that's playing dirty." I said, a little exasperated.
"Come at me, bro."
I stood up.
Mia's grin faltered.
And then made my way out. I had to clear up my thoughts.
"Not interested anymore."
"..."
xXx
The U-17 FIFA World Cup, despite the name, doesn't really feel like a World Cup.
Not the way the big one does. You don't see entire nations draping their buildings in flags. Nobody's honking their car horns at midnight because some fifteen-year-old kid scored a miracle goal against Brazil.
It's quiet. Almost hidden.
Sure, it's still international, still the best young players of every country coming together, but if you're in it, you start realizing how different it is.
The senior World Cup is plastered everywhere—every screen, every feed, every bar, every street corner. People who don't even care about football suddenly care, and for a month the whole world simply stops.
The U-17? Not so much.
There's still media attention, of course. It's a big deal, just not as big a deal. For most of us, that's a relief, because we're young, we're just trying to prove ourselves. The spotlight is distracting, it puts pressure on you that can break a young player.
Of course, to me specifically, it was redundant since I already had come close to actually winning the big one.
The pressure wasn't all that high. Whether you won or lost, at the end of the day, the U-17 World Cup is a mere stepping stone. I remembered a guy back in my previous life who won the U-17 World Cup in the early 2000s, then vanished off the map.
Nobody cared when he disappeared. Nobody even bothered to remember his name.
I think I knew his name once, but I'd forgotten it, too. That's how little it matters.
That's how the U-17 World Cup works. It's a stepping stone. If you can't step over it, then it's just a pebble in your path.
Still, I wanted to win it. Why? Because even as a small pebble compared to the senior World Cup, South Korea had never even gotten close to winning it.
It wasn't just a stepping stone for me; it was also a way to show everyone I was serious about this whole 'save the national team' business. I was in this for the long run, and winning the U-17 World Cup was only the beginning of a long, painful road.
It also meant that I'd have to step over Brazil as well.
So be it.
…
This World Cup's edition will be held in Japan.
The training camp for the World Cup finally started roughly a month after I got the call-up for the national team.
We arrived at Taereung National Training Center in Seoul early in the morning. The place was quiet, almost empty except for a few staff moving between buildings.
I got out of the van and slung my duffel bag over one shoulder. The rest of my teammates trailed behind me, and among some of the familiar faces, I caught someone's gaze.
Kim Jun-hwan.
I didn't foresee I'd meet him under such circumstances, but Jun-hwan was a very talented and determined player, so perhaps it was to be expected.
The moment I caught him staring, he looked away.
"..."
The rest of the players pooled around me, along with the coach—Ahn Ki-seok.
Honestly, I kind of missed Coach Park and his distinctive cap.
Coach Ahn Ki-seok was a stocky man with an impressive past as a football player; he never really made it into the big leagues, but his talent was undeniable, at least what I heard of him.
He patted my shoulder, his grip firm.
"Cha Jae-il. We have high expectations of you." His voice was a low gravel, the kind that carried across without needing to be raised. And when he said 'we' I didn't think he meant the team, or the nation, but himself and the higher-ups.
"I won't let you down, Coach." I said with a practiced smile. "Thank you for the opportunity."
He grunted, a flicker of amusement in his eyes. "Opportunity? Son, this isn't a lottery ticket. You earned your spot. Now you just have to prove you deserve to keep it." He gestured toward the main building. "Locker room's inside. Find a spot, get changed. We start warm-ups in thirty."
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