Sanji woke up at 5:00 a.m. as usual. He hummed a little tune. Birds were chirping. The sky was painted in gentle streaks of dawn.
It was a beautiful day.
Until he walked past the storage room and heard moaning.
At first, he thought, Ah. Zoro's probably dying again. But then he paused. Listened closer.
"…faster, Zoro—"
"Don't yell, Luffy's sleeping—"
"I am Luffy!"
"My god," Sanji muttered, slamming the door open like a righteous god of rage.
Inside, he saw:
Techno, shirtless again, leaning dramatically against a crate.
Zoro, hair disheveled, glaring like a tsundere from hell.
Luffy, wearing one of Techno's capes, covered in rice and grinning.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Sanji screamed.
There was a long pause.
Then Luffy said, "We're in a love triangle! Maybe even a square if Usopp agrees!"
"I DON'T AGREE," Usopp shouted from the hallway, running past with a bowl of popcorn. "I'M JUST HERE FOR THE CHAOS!"
Sanji took a slow, deep breath. "Zoro. You're cheating on me with both of them?!"
Zoro blinked. "Since when were we—?"
"I GAVE YOU MY HEART," Sanji wailed.
"You gave me a fishbone and said 'chew on that, bastard.'"
"That's how I flirt!"
Techno leaned in toward Luffy. "Are we the drama?"
Luffy nodded solemnly. "We are the drama."
Later that day, Sanji stood atop the bow of the ship like a rejected Disney princess. The wind blew his coat dramatically as he wept into a baguette.
Nami walked up. "You okay?"
"My love life is in shambles," he whispered.
Nami sighed. "Same."
"Wait, you too?"
"No. I just wanted to match energy."
Meanwhile, Techno was holding a "Relationship Status Update" meeting with whiteboards.
"Okay," he said, gesturing to a crudely drawn diagram. "So currently, Luffy is dating me. Zoro and I are doing... something. Luffy is emotionally dating both of us but doesn't understand polyamory. Sanji's spiraling. Usopp is a bystander. Nami doesn't care. Robin is too powerful to involve."
Luffy nodded seriously. "I agree with all of that except for the part where I'm not married to meat."
Zoro squinted at the diagram. "Why is there a chicken leg drawn in the corner?"
"That's your competition," Techno replied. "You're losing."
Sanji stormed into the room, eyes bloodshot.
"I challenge you—Technoblade—to a cook-off."
There was a long silence.
Techno blinked. "I once poisoned a whole army with mashed potatoes."
"Perfect," Sanji sneered.
The Cook-Off of Passion began at sunset.
Luffy was the judge. Terrible idea.
Zoro sat next to him with crossed arms. Even worse idea.
Techno arrived with a steak shaped like a skull. "It's called the Blood of My Enemies au Poivre."
Sanji slammed down a beautifully plated ratatouille shaped like a heart. "I call it I Still Loved You, You Sword-Wielding Bastard."
Luffy took one bite of each and started crying.
"I CAN'T PICK," he wailed. "WHY DOES LOVE TASTE SO DELICIOUS?!"
Zoro blinked. "Why is my name carved into this zucchini?"
Techno looked at his plate. "Why is my full address engraved in the gravy?"
Sanji growled. "It's called commitment, unlike what YOU TWO HAVE."
Luffy started sobbing. "I need a nap."
He fell asleep face-first in the steak.
Usopp, now wearing a referee hat, blew a whistle. "Disqualified due to nap-related interference."
Later that night, Techno found Sanji sulking alone behind the mast.
"Hey," Techno said quietly. "You wanna talk?"
Sanji glared at him. "You stole my swordsman."
"I didn't steal anyone. Zoro's not a keychain."
Sanji blinked. "You're dating Luffy."
"Yeah."
"You're hooking up with Zoro."
"Occasionally."
"Are you trying to collect the whole crew?"
Techno smirked. "Not unless Franky's into it."
Sanji laughed despite himself.
They sat there in silence for a while, watching the stars.
"Do you even like Zoro?" Sanji asked.
Techno thought for a moment. "He's complicated. Angry all the time. Sleeps in hallways. Probably sharp under the tongue."
"And yet?"
Techno smiled. "He smells like iron and regret. It's very on-brand for me."
"Fair," Sanji admitted.
They didn't kiss. They didn't hold hands. But they did clink teacups.
The new alliance had formed.
Zoro was in trouble.
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Remember to Drop some stones guys!