I stood in front of his door and took a moment. Gathering some courage with a deep breath, I twisted the knob and to my surprise, it was unlocked. Did he know I would come? Was he already waiting for an explanation? I walked in and locked the door behind me. He was covered under the thick blankets, facing away from me. He didn't turn to look at me and I guessed he was already asleep. I climbed in and slipped under the warm blanket, wrapping myself around him. I rested my head against his shoulder and inhaled his scent.
"I am sorry, Kao." I whispered. My throat felt tight. I had done it again. I had hurt him again.
His chest rose and fell with a heavy breath and I knew he was awake.
"There is nothing between me and her. Grandpa just wanted to set us up. I meant to tell you but I didn't want to hurt you. Things were going well and I didn't want to spoil anything for us. I am sorry." I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"You were late that night because you went on a date with her." It wasn't a question, more of a statement.
I clenched my jaw. "Yes."
He nodded his head, not in agreement but as if he expected it. He placed his hand over mine around his waist and pushed it away. He shifted forward, away from me. "Go Kwan. I don't want to talk to you right now."
"Kao. Please let me explain."
"There is nothing left to explain, Kwan."
"Kao-"
"If you would have explained me earlier, I would have understood. But you decided to hide it from me."
I kept my mouth shut. I had done enough damage already and further explanation would only make it worse. He was right. I should have told him earlier.
I took a deep breath. "Kao. Take your time. I know you are mad right now and it's not the right time to explain things. Just know that I am never letting you go so yeah, take your time. We will talk once you cool down." I leaned and kissed the back of his head and left. He didn't bother to turn and look at me even once.
I took a stroll around the house, pacing back and forth. I walked farther away from the house and lit up a cigarette. I didn't smoke often but when my anxiety rose, I needed one. I was anxious about what Kao would do next. He wouldn't trust me again, would he? Maybe he would decide to leave me. But leaving for such a trivial matter was not right. But the matter wasn't trivial, was it? Yeah, it was huge. I was wrong to hide it from him. But he wouldn't punish me by leaving me, right?
I stumbled upon a small rock and fell to the ground, barely managing to save my face. I cursed under my breath as I rubbed my palms together, dusting out the dirt. It stung. My wrists were probably scratched. My ears picked up a sound and panic set in. As I remembered, I was strolling alone. I turned my head sharply towards the sound with wide eyes, ready to run from whatever it was but rolled my eyes when I saw my dad walking over, clicking his tongue and shaking his head side to side.
"The ground must have been hurt." He outstretched his hand out.
I took it and he pulled me up. I muttered a thank you.
"Didn't know you picked up smoking." He said, shaking his head in disappointment.
"Yeah as if you didn't catch me in high school."
He laughed. "Did I? I don't remember."
I shook my head, dusting out the dirt from my pants."What are you doing here?"
"You looked like a burglar, lurking around the property late at night." He said, holding up the baseball bat which I hadn't noticed in his hand earlier.
I broke into a smile. "Wow. You saw someone and decided to beat the shit out of him?"
"Aiy, you know how it's done." He said, patting his pant's pocket, indicating he had his pistol. "So what are you doing here?"
"Nothing. Just enjoying the fresh air."
"Hmm. You must have missed the weather here."
I smiled.
"Come, let's take a walk."
We walked around the property, talking about my life in the city. Talking to dad was easy and comfortable. He understood things. He wasn't old fashioned or outdated. He had moved with time and took an understanding to every new thing of the new generation. And for a moment, I felt like sharing everything with him. But what if he wasn't so open minded about the LGBTQ community because it was something not everybody could understand.
"Don't worry about Grandpa. If you don't like Diana, you should just say it." He said, swinging his baseball bat and dropping it on the ground.
I picked the bat up and handed it to him. And I made the decision. It was now or never. "Dad, there is something I want to say."
"Yeah, go on."
In the chilly atmosphere, I started to precipitate. I gulped down, not knowing how to start. I looked at him and he was waiting.
"What? Are you in debt or something?" He teased.
"Dad, I don't like Diana."
He nodded. "Cool. I will explain Grandpa."
"No, you don't understand. I don't like anyone like Diana."
He frowned.
I clenched both my hands together. "I-" I closed my eyes. "I like guys." I said and let go of the breath I didn't realize I was holding.
I had dropped the bomb. I opened my eyes and found him expressionless. He was just staring at me blankly. And the reaction didn't seem right. I knew it! I shouldn't have said it. I messed up! Again!
"I..." He trailed off.
I wanted to turn and run, run away into a pit and hide forever.
"I...knew this day would come but I didn't know it would be today. I don't know how to react, son." He rubbed the side of his head.
I frowned. What?
He looked at me and placed a hand over my shoulder. "I am glad you decided to tell me. But I...I just don't know what to say about it. It is your life and you can like anybody you want."
I couldn't understand. "Wait. What do you mean? You have known about it since before?"
He nodded.
I was speechless. How!
"Where do you think the box full of self-letters and diaries go?" He asked, smiling.
"Oh My god! Oh my god! Don't tell me!" Fuck!
He nodded, pressing his lips into a thin line. "Your mother found it when you left for college. She read it and saw the photographs. We were terrified at first but eventually came in conclusion with reality. We wanted to be good parents and support you in everything you do, son. But we needed you to tell us by yourself. We wanted you to be comfortable enough to come out to us. Well, it took you long enough but I am glad you did. Tell your mother too. She will be happy."
I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I also wanted the clouds to carry me to the sky. Tears started to blur my view as I looked at my father. He laughed, watching me tear up. I covered my mouth with the back of my hand, my throat feeling tight.
"It's the same guy from the letters, right?" He asked.
I nodded, smiling through my tears.
He exhaled, shaking his head.
And on a random night, that was how I came out to my father.
The next day I had a talk with my mother and her reaction was more positive and comforting than I had imagined. I never imagined things would turn out that way. I was scared of coming out to them but them turning out to be so supportive was straight out of a dream. I thought they would be disgusted and abandon me but they had known all along.
"So it's him right?" Mom asked, continuing to brush her fingers through my hair.
I looked up at her. She was seated on a chair on the balcony and I was sitting on the floor. I turned to look at her and nodded. It heard strange coming out of her mouth. I had never confessed about liking a guy to anybody but now talking about it openly felt weird.
"Does his parents know?" She asked.
I nodded. "They...kicked him out six years ago...because of me."
She gasped with wide eyes. "Oh my. Poor child. Did his parents not try to contact him again?"
I shrugged.
"I should comfort him."
"No." I said instantly. "Please don't let him know that you know. I...I will tell him myself later when we go back. There is something we need to sort out first."
Mom smiled. "Okay."
"And mom, please stop talking about marriage all the time. You made him uncomfortable last night."
She chuckled. "My bad. I was just carrying out the conversation. I didn't know the pretty person he is engaged to is my son."
My cheeks burned. My mom teasing me felt weird. Everything felt weird. I felt exposed but it was comforting. A large burden had been lifted off my shoulder.
"Look at you blushing!" Mom exclaimed.
I looked up at her, unable to stop the burning on my cheek. "Mom!" I lounged on my feet and ran away, her laugh fading away behind me.
The day felt like I was born again. Everything seemed beautiful and fresh. Kao looked extra good that day in his light blue hoodie. He still seemed mad at me because he was avoiding eye contact with me. But I wasn't as anxious as I was last night. I knew things had been set right. My parents were with me. Though the weigh of telling my grandpa still made me nervous but it was lighter. I wasn't scared anymore, knowing my greatest strength would stand with me- my parents.
"Kwan? Can you take me to the town?" Diana appeared around the corner just as I was taking my chance and following Kao to his room after breakfast.
I looked at Kao disappearing around the corner and clicked my tongue.
"Kwan?" Diana called again.
I looked down at her and hesitated. But well, I had nothing to fear anyway. "I am sorry, Diana. I will ask Puai to help you." I said politely and walked away.
She looked puzzled.
I stood in front of Kao's door and announced my grand entry before peeping in. He was on the bed, scrolling through his phone. He looked up at my entry and threw me a cold glare.
"Hi." I gave a small smile with a small wave.
He looked back at his phone's screen. "I don't think I want to talk with you yet."
I sighed and took a seat beside him, a smile playing on my lips imagining his reaction when I would tell him the good news.
He slowly looked at me and narrowed his eye. "You look quite happy for someone whose boyfriend is upset."
My heart bloomed at the term and I couldn't control my smile. I nodded with the smile and he shook his head in disappointment.
"You are so weird sometimes." He muttered and was back to staring at his phone.
"What is my boyfriend looking at?" I asked, leaning to peek at his screen.
He pressed the phone against his chest, hiding it. "None of your business. Go and talk to your Diana, your dear date. Why are you wasting your time with someone like me?"
I couldn't help but smile. "Because you are my boyfriend."
He stared at me, gritting his teeth. "Stop smiling like an idiot and if you think using that term again and again will do something to me, you are right." He sighed, giving up with the fight.
I laughed, climbing over him. He shrunk smaller on the bed under me, looking at me with wide eyes.
"What are you doing?" He asked, making tiny fists against his chest.
I took both his hands and spread them on top of his head. "I am sorry I didn't tell you about it. I will never repeat my mistake again. Will you talk to me, please?"
He sighed, narrowing his eyes. "There shouldn't be a next time."
I leaned closer to lean in his ear. "You put a ring on me so why would there be?"
He broke into a smile and smacked my chest. "You! Stop being so melodramatic!"
I smiled and climbed off him. We sat up and I turned to look at him. "Anyway, there is something I wanted to say."
He nodded. "Yeah, what?"
Before I could open my mouth to say something, my phone rang. I looked at the caller id and realized I hadn't called back Jeremy. I looked at Kao. "I will take it."
"Hey Kwan." Jeremy greeted.
"Hey, sorry I didn't call you back. I was caught up with something." I apologized.
"I thought so. Anyways, to the point. I have a news."
"What?" I looked at Kao who was trying his best to not lean and listen to our conversation.
"Carlo caught him. Piere."
I stared ahead at the wall. "What did uncle Jack say?"
"No. No. Uncle Jack doesn't know. Carlo sent out his people and they dragged him out of an underground gay bar. Carlo asked me to contact you to ask what to do now, like if you would like to hit him first or directly hand him to the police."
I thought for a moment. "Can you hold him for another two days?"
"Sure." Jeremy laughed. "We will wait for you."
"Thanks."
"My pleasure." He hanged up.
"What happened?" Kao asked before I could even place my phone down.
"Carlo found that bastard."
His eyes quivered and he reached to hold on my arm. "And?"
"And...he is in jail for now." I lied. "We will see about it when we go back. Forget that and focus on me for now." I said, placing my hand over his. His body had tensed up and he seemed thoughtful.
He nodded, staring nowhere. "You are right. I will just focus on you for now."
I smiled, my mind opening a dark drawer and bringing in menacing thoughts.
.......
"Wow. It's peaceful around here." Kao took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. He turned to me and smiled. "You come here to find peace, you said."
I nodded with a smile. I had given him a tour of the elementary school I studied in, the market, the town's attraction spot and finally came to the peaceful lake in the forest. I could tell he loved nature because he suddenly turned bright after setting foot in the forest.
He took his phone out and clicked a few pictures of the lake. "Just imagine, a house beside this lake would be so great. You would just need to open the window and let the air in and you won't even need air conditioning during summer. The nights would be even better with the moon reflecting on the lake's surface."
"Poetic." I commented. "But reality is harsh. If you open the window, mosquitos will suck you dry, a bear would probably say hi or a python would just visit by."
He turned to glare at me. "Aren't you supposed to be the English teacher, romanticizing instead?"
I squared my shoulders. "Facts."
He sighed. "You've always been like this." He muttered, rolling his eyes.
I walked closer to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "Fantasies are very different than reality and it's the truth. Nothing runs smooth in life."
He turned his head up to look at me. "But my fantasy came true."
"What?"
"You."
I swear the ground slipped away under my feet. I stared at him, unable to say anything. He smiled and poked the tip of my nose.
"Husky." He laughed.
We spent some more time there and left when it started to drizzle lightly. The sky was thundering at a distance and we could tell a big storm was on its way. As we drove back to my house, my mind wandered around. I was happy that my parents knew and accepted us but we had to see the bigger picture. Grandpa could disown me from the family. He had the capability to do that and he would definitely do it. I just knew. It was funny how I had come prepared to come out to my parents but they already knew. They had known for all these years and never spoke of it. They patiently waited for me to tell them myself. I was lucky to have them.
"Your mom said you don't like to be wished at twelve for your birthday." Kao said as I parked the car in front of our house.
I killed the engine and turned to him. "Hm? Oh, yeah right."
"Why?"
I unbuckled my seat belt. "Just. I don't like to be awaken in the middle of the night."
He narrowed his eyes. "And if I do?"
I looked at him. "Then...be my guest." I smiled.
He broke into a smile. "I am going to do it tonight so don't be pissed when I wake you up."
I reached to ruffle his hair. "Okay, you little caterpillar."
He glared at me and threw a punch which I caught mid-air and kissed his fist instead.