It was forbidden.
In this world, Omegas hated Alphas; to touch and embrace them was to set their souls on fire. Rowan had a history of abuse, and surely he would not suggest such a thing. Surely, he could not be serious. And he wanted to do this with someone like her? A laugh was choked from her throat, silenced behind her palm.
"You're joking," she stated, with a confidence that bubbled through her voice.
Rowan's eyes were shifty, a flash of pain erupting from their depths. He seemed conflicted, gaze lowered to sweep the floor, deep in thought. She saw then the tremble of his pupils in its clementine shell. "It's too much. I know."
"It's—"
"Is it dirty?" he whispered, and his fingers were laced so tightly with hers they stung. "Is it too selfish coming from someone like me?" He swallowed thickly as if ashamed, a strange waft of agony creeping over his features. "I know it's awful and such bad fucking timing."
Bad timing. Bad timing was for horny couples needy for a quick fuck in the wastelands. Bad timing was not for someone who was physically ill from touching an Alpha. Bad timing was not for someone who needed to survive. Quinn regarded him then. "I'm intrigued. Talk me through it."
Rowan nodded. "Right now, you're bleeding out. You're dying slowly with Zen drinking from you every other hour. You're in pain—" He choked on the words, a lump forming in his throat. "But if Zen drinks your blood at its sweetest, in the height of everything, when our bodies cry for you and you cry for us. He will have the most from you. It will be the same for Helios. They will not need more." His eyes trembled. "They'll be properly fed, grounded, and bound. You'll be okay…" He seemed to shudder then. "But it's just a theory!" Rowan snapped out, a flush of shame on his cheeks. "You can forget it—"
"Okay, so you think that if we had sex," the words tumbled out of her, tasting absurd on her tongue. And he flinched at the word as if slapped. "They'll stop transforming into Lonely?"
Rowan groaned. "It sounds so fucking stupid when you say it out like that. I must be out of my fucking mind—" he brushed a hand across his face. "Fuck—"
Quinn squeezed his fingers then. "Shush, just let me think."
There was logic in his words. A twisted understanding. In the strangeness of this world, their feedings had always involved physical affection, needed her pleasure. Their hunger had always stemmed from their need to provide her pleasure. It did make sense that sex could heal them. That love could heal them. That going all the way would be a power boost that could take them off the edge of the cliff. Her breath escaped her, startled as her mind darted to Elysian. Her mate. Quinn choked out her words as she sought her mind for understanding.
"It could work," she said. "But you all have mates, your bonds will prevent you from going too far—"
"No," Rowan whispered, "you're Elysian's. Our Omegas know and see you as potential pack. It will not hurt our Omegas; in fact, I can smell their arousal." His voice cracked like a bleeding wound, hands clawing against his chest. A liquid darkness growing in his blown pupils. Arousal. She swallowed thickly, and his expression fell then. "I know we weren't good Omegas, that I wasn't kind to you—"
"It's not that." She let out a groan. There was a roar in her head then of a million memories. Bad ones, then good. Rowan crashing through the Lonely horde, desperate to save her life. Rowan rushing to her side, Rowan looking like death with an apology on his tongue. She'd never forget that, and she never would. Actions spoke louder than words.
"I know I was the absolute worst." His tears grew in his eyes. "I know I—"
"Rowan," she stopped him then. "Listen to me, I did not kiss you randomly. That kiss…" She searched her head for the words, felt a visceral ache of something that told her the truth. "It was real."
He paused then, startled by the revelation. The silence was loud, heavy with unsaid words. She closed her eyes, pained as she thought of the bubble of warmth in her chest, the heat. Quinn knew them better than they thought she did. She had always been enamoured by their minds, supportive of their actions. Reading their book was a curse that she could not escape. It was natural for her to care for them all.
She wanted them to be happy.
But there were the new parts that she'd grown to love. The parts that were weak, ugly and then so damn beautiful. The parts that were not perfect. The parts that made them human. And right now, despite their flaws, despite everything, she could see the human parts of them that she loved. And Rowan? Rowan was beautiful, sweet, sexy and…She sighed, and Rowan's voice escaped him, looking suddenly ancient.
"It was real," he repeated, seeming oddly astounded by her revelation.
"It was real to me," she said softly, pulling away from his grasp to look at her hands. She didn't want to look at him then, fingers trembling. "I want you all to live." She settled her gaze upon him. "And if I'm going to give Zen and Helios the treatment they deserve, then we'll do this together. You and me."
"You want me to live?" The question was odd on his tongue, a strange look on his face. The fixation on her words remained. He swallowed nervously, but his eyes seemed to shiver then, frustration knitting his brow. It disturbed her then, how unwell he looked suddenly, with sweat shimmering on his face. A sudden eery darkness eclipsing now obsidian pupils.
"What's wrong?"
He stood abruptly, seemed to sag into himself, a paleness on his cheeks, twisting with revulsion. "You can't do this because you owe me. You can't do this because you think you have to."
"What?"
"You can't lie to me," his voice seemed to crumble. "Don't do this for survival, but because this is real, and this is okay. And it's not because you're always giving yourself up for us. Not because you think you have to do this. Not because I'm your king and you're my subject, and you need to fuck me to make me happy."
"Rowan," she questioned. "What are you talking about?"
He ran a hand through his hair, words tumbling from him in a rush of despair. "Are you telling me this because I'm above you?" She stared at him then, met his gaze, perplexed at how violently he trembled. His eyes were wet, dripping with stars. He was crying. "Are you doing this because you think I'll kill you?"
"What?" she gawked at him. Then understanding dawned upon her. "No, of course not—"
"I thought about everything I did to you, all my wrongdoings," he spat out, his face contorting with agony. "You've never held it against me. I've always wondered why. And now I understand where you're coming from, but that makes me worse. That makes me a fucking monster. That makes me just like her, just like them." His head was in his hands, and now she understood the bags under his eyes. The inability to sleep. "If you're not from this world, then you've never done anything wrong. But I have."
"Rowan—"
"That means, I'm the one who's wrong," his words came out in a wail. "I'm the one who's always hurting you."
"I've already forgiven you," she said. "I understand the situation called for it."
"But why would you?" he snapped, a low growl in his throat. "Why are you so, so kind?" His eyes were filled with more tears, words spat out like a depraved secret. He heaved, collapsing into himself, suddenly so feeble that his knees folded under him, sinking to the ground. "So don't do it because of her. Do it only if you want to. And please. Please don't break my heart with lies. I can't do this if, at the end of it all, it's only because of what I am."
His choice of words surprised her, and her gaze found his, saw the vulnerability in them. The tremble. She saw then the truth in his eyes, the mirror of his soul. He thought of his past then, of the Alphas he had serviced, of the women that had used him. And he saw himself in her.
He believed her to be used.
"No," she whispered. "No. Rowan, I'm not lying. I'm not telling you this because I'm forced to, I did not let you kiss me because you're my king." She raised her palms. "I could have stopped you if I wanted to, and I did not. I kissed you because I meant it."
His voice was small, broken, childlike. "Are you sure?"
"I am," she nodded. She could not deny the truth, the way his existence tore a goddamn hole in her bound heart. That their relationship was so fucking messed up, but her heart still yearned. "I promise you, I am."
A whimper escaped him then, low, primal and raw. He was feverish with it, expression suddenly breaking into a strange wash of relief. "I-I burn inside. You don't understand what you've done to me. How sweet you are to me. How much I want you. How I ache. How I burn."
"I know—"
"I love you."
Her gasp trembled through her lips, snapped out from her lungs. The words were like gunfire, violent in the stillness. That was when Quinn felt the air shift and burn, the silence that swelled like a wave ready to crash.
Love?
That was…Her mind swayed. That was too honest and too much.
Rowan's stammer came out too fast, but the ardour remained in his gaze. "I do." His hands were on his head, fingers through his hair. "This is me being fucking stupid and not realising the truth until it was too damn late."
"You're not lying," her surprise trembled from her.
"That kiss," he looked at her then with his eyes filled with unshed tears. "Was so real to me it was special. It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did." His hands were wrung. Love, it was a big word coming from a man who should hate Alphas. A man who had a fucked up history with her fucked up body. It almost tasted toxic.
She couldn't help herself, the first teasing smile of the night. "When?"
"When what?"
"When did you start loving me?"
He paused, but the words came out of him too fast. It was as if he'd already asked himself that very same question. "In the horde," there was pink on his cheeks, blooming softly in the night. "When you were running in the Lonely and I was chasing you with Zen."
"Then?" There was a snort from her. "Seriously?"
"I mixed it up with guilt," he admitted. "Messed it up with the things I did to you." He shook his head, stepping away suddenly with his fingers on his arm. "But it doesn't matter, my feelings doesn't matter. You should be doing what you want. Not what I want. I know that, I've learnt that from my history as someone used by the world."
"Rowan," Quinn stopped him with a hand to the hem of his shirt. "I'm not…I'm not saying no." She tried to find the words. "I'm just not made to be loved by you."
He paused then, frozen by her words. And then a flash of darkness drifted into his eyes. "What does that mean?"
"After everything, with me having her—"
"Shut up," he snarled. And her eyes widened as he advanced, pressed himself against the wall, face too close, eyes locked with hers. And she flattened herself to the wall, the proximity boiling with tension. "You say that like I don't know what kind of person you are, who you are. You carried us through hell." His voice broke, timbre cracking. "You're breaking yourself to keep us safe. You save me again and again from myself, you've always saved me from my own poison. You gave me everything, everything and I want to give you that—"
He pushed away from her, hands in his pockets as if holding himself back. But a flush was all over him, pink like carnation, like first love. She could smell him in the air now, the sweetness in the air like the trickle of honey, like the warmth of the bakery, like bubbling caramel. Arousal.
"You're my Alpha," he whimpered out. Sweet, sweet Omega. "Sorry," he slapped a hand to his face. "My body is not listening to me."
"You're serious," she whispered, the words were on the tip of her tongue. A flutter of delight ran through her veins, tingled in her belly. The passion. The thrill. The need. The hunger that roared from her chest. But to love Rowan? Her mind was a mess, rippling through her emotions, and there were so many. "Rowan, thank you. But I—"
There was panic in Rowan's eyes then, fear fluttering through him as if he were waiting for disappointment, for rejection. A palm was on her lip before she could finish her words. "F-forget it, fuck. I don't want to put you on the spot." He pulled back. "I don't want this to be ruined, don't tell me how you feel—"
She snatched his wrist, and his eyes met hers shakily. Her heart soared. "It's not a no, is that okay?" She tasted her lips, tried to verbalise what she felt. "I just need time and space to think."
"I…" he stiffened, stared at her then. A sudden resolution gathering on his face, and something schooled in his features. "I see."
"It's not rejection, there's no point denying my attraction to you," she told him, trying to say the words properly. "I do care for you. But I need to be careful. I need to protect myself first. It's not easy for me. Do you understand?"
"I do," he nodded. "I understand what I need to do. Go to sleep," he begged. "I'll take watch."
Her expression grew pinched. "The thing about sex—"
He shook his head, stopping her. "We can talk about this in the morning, everything."
"We can talk about it now, that takes precedence in the situation—"
"Please," he begged. "Go. A couple of hours won't hurt, we'll talk about it again soon."
"But they—"
"Alpha," he beseeched, a gentle smile on his lips as he neared, and she was magnetised by the strength in his eyes. The sudden determination. "I'll keep an eye on them. Just rest."
When she went to bed that night, she did not notice the three pairs of eyes that regarded her from their spots. Nor did she notice the lock of their gazes, swimming with turmoil, and then the sudden conclusion that sparked within their depths.
*
She awoke to the sound of an egg breaking in a skillet, sizzling softly in the morning light. It was the sight of an angel that greeted her eyes, wings spread in the soft rays, body traced by the heavens all the way to the tip of his flawless nose. The smile was like sunshine, curved eyes, lips curled into a genuine smile. Helios giggled at her as he flipped the eggs like they were on a retreat.
"Good morning," his voice chirped, frothed with a melodious cheer. "I thought I'd get breakfast started since everything was laid out for me." God, he was so fucking breath-stealing beautiful. Quinn had to stop herself from staring, had to slap herself awake with a hard hand to her cheek.
"Shit," she scrubbed her fingers across her face, pulling herself from the sleeping bag. As exhausted as she was, sleep had not come easily that night with a too handsome wolf roaming her thoughts like a virus. "You should have woken me up—"
A cup of bitter coffee was thrust under her face, blooming with a delicious roast. She blinked at Zen, who pouted at a too close proximity, a travel toothbrush in the other hand. There was a strange adorable sparkle in the depths of his eyes, brows pressed down and gaze all doe-like. His words came out of him with a pout. "You needed to rest, and we could do it on our own."
"Thank you?" She took them from him, stuck the brush to her mouth, and mint flooded her tongue. "Were there any monsters?" Her gaze flashed to Float, pulling up the screen that would alarm her if any trespassed. But all seemed well.
Rowan strode in then with a sandwich in his mouth, his body relaxed . "Nope," he shook his head, chewing through breakfast. "All good." There was a flush on her cheeks as she met his gaze, suddenly shy as she turned her eyes to his ankle, noting the lack of a brace.
"How's your ankle?"
His smile grew, all boxy with his teeth showing adorably. "Whatever you put in that ointment had me healed in no time."
"Good," she nodded, turning before heat could rise to her cheeks. She raised a brow at Zen and Helios as she swished water from her canteen in her mouth, spitting it into a pail. "How do you feel, boys?"
"Better," Helios said, flipping the egg on a sandwich. "My wings aren't swelling, and I can feel the bones mending."
Zen nodded along. "And we're not coughing black gunk, if that's what you're asking. I feel good." He moved along, spreading bacon over the bread, the meat glossy with fat and juices.
"Great. I'll check again after breakfast, do a quick scan on you two for the ink. I want to be really careful with your health now." Her gaze was sharp as she glared at Rowan. "That includes you, Rowan." The wolf nodded, oddly agreeable. She put the mug of coffee to her lips. It tasted bitter, rich and warm. A smoky sweetness lingered on her tongue as it hit her too sharply, and too clean. She blinked awake as the flavour bloomed on her tongue. "Damn this brand tastes fucking amazing."
"I made it," Zen puffed with pride. "I followed all the instructions."
"Well, thanks." She eyed it once more, taking another long swig.
"Quinn," Zen pushed the sandwich into her hands, a strange brightness flecked in his eyes. "So we discussed things together when you were asleep, and we talked about everything." Her eyes swivelled to Rowan, who scratched his cheeks sheepishly. "We came to a collective conclusion together." His words alarmed her, and her brows furrowed as she drank another mouthful. But he continued with a bouncy excitement, crawling up closer to her. "May we please court you properly for marriage?"
And she spat her coffee all over his pretty face.
A/N - Sorry for taking a while. Just fucked up a bit with planning around my health. But I'm also working on a new series, Seven Beasts for Sloane on my Patreon and I'm so excited to share it with everyone here as well (for free next month here). It's a beast world, omegaverse, reverse harem, rural village, feral beasts survival kind of story. I really enjoy the 'primitive living' trope and I just wanted to write something like that. I'll promote it a bit more soon <3
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