That smell again.
That was the first thing I felt, before finding myself in front of a polished ceiling.
The next thing I felt was a short pang of shame, too quick to recognize, and too short to ponder on.
A rustle of sheets later, I was face to face with another unfamiliar ceiling.
Beneath me lay a small bed, the kind they used in places with too many people and too few roofs. The rectangular room was wide, too wide for a toddler of my standing to use alone. And the view…
The prevalent theme remained white, a stark difference to the scene through the wide glass window on my left.
I couldn't pull my eyes away from it again.
The blend of high-rise and low structures complemented the blue sunset to a tee. Each building painted the scenery with their own blend of a culture that refused to fade. The distant lights flickered on and off, as though describing the heartbeat of a million little lives all crammed up in an area that cannot carry the same amount of feet. That should not be able to.
They look so small in their little square rooms…
yet feel so big.
The scene would have looked like an everyday scene to any other person.
It surely wasn't new to me.
Yet… I'm waking up another day. Still staring. Just like I stare at the trees at the ward.
Being alive is still…
strange.
Some people would say it was because I'm still not used to the environment.
I don't think I ever was used to it.
Maybe when I was still young in my previous life, but it stopped being so a long time ago.
Why should a man get used to life…
Doesn't that mean her wonder is lost to him?
That her beauty is only what can be admired, and never danced with?
That her possibilities are nothing but different routes to a painting called failure? A piece painted so often it becomes grey and motionless to him.
I noticed I only had these moments when there was nothing reminding me of life's… other side.
Most times, it feels like gratefulness.
That life gave these short moments of respite from her demands.
But I know deep down that I do not love living.
Neither do I hate it.
Loving it too much is just going to end up in pain again. Whether by my own careless hands, or her occasional middle fingers.
But beneath what I believe was gratefulness, I felt a quiet marvel and anticipation of what more I could see, what more I could experience… and most importantly, how much more I could understand.
"It's really starting."
'It's a good thing my body has adapted to the essence.'
Truly, humans were not meant to feel too much. That's why our brain filters it for us. Well, not for all people. Bless their souls.
Before I could continue my internal monologue, the door swung open, and I came face to face with a nurse draped in a green attire, with an almost generic logo for a badge.
"How are you keeping up, Tom?"
Her voice, trained to sound sultry even through exhaustion.
"I am doi — fine. Hrm."
She hands me a cup of water.
"Ey, sorry dear, it seems you had a little bit of blood loss, that's why you went to sleep for a bit."
'Went to sleep? What's this woman on? How stupid does she think I am?'
"H-how did I get here?"
"Ah, you were carried here by your caretaker and your friends earlier today. Because of your… condition, she had to confirm if it was anything serious."
I nodded my head, maybe a little too slowly.
'Because I'm awakened? Hmm. Yeah, that's smart.'
"Okay… is there any other issue Miss?"
"No, you're alright now." She smiled. "The ambulance will drop you off at your home in a while. We'll call you when they're ready."
"Okay… thank you." I smiled back.
Then she left. The door closed behind her, cutting off a sigh that seeped through the hospital ward.
'There it is.'
Helpless to help myself once again.
I shifted my attention to the scene again.
I want to hope that this life has more good things in store for me, since it's what we would call a fantasy. A miracle.
But I'm alive.
And I know that hope only leads to disappointment, or the misconception that life is a bed of daisies.
As I felt deeper into my body, I noticed the hollowness that wasn't there before.
I couldn't feel the essence rushing through my veins anymore.
No wonder I felt so… refreshed.
Through all my efforts to run with life — to not be left behind, I failed to notice how much it all weighed on me.
Refreshed, once again I wonder if I'll ever feel right with the world.
I know I may never feel ready enough to finally move.
To finally explore this beautiful world before me.
Even though I see its beauty, I know I'm the only one that can make myself feel ready.
A different kind of danger is ahead. A danger that frightens my very being to the core from merely a glimpse.
But…
I promised myself that night, didn't I?
I will survive.
And I'll learn to live while doing so.
The nurse returned a few hours later.
"It's time to go."
I nodded.
And followed after her.
Leaving the scene behind me.
Its beauty ever-present, even without me.
Yet it only exists because I saw it.