In the early morning, the sun streamed through the window on the fifth floor of Kenji's apartment, painting the room in soft, golden light. Hajime found himself nestled comfortably in Kenji's arms, the gentle rhythm of Kenji's breathing a soothing caress against his hair. Though he had spent many nights in Kenji's bed since the incident with Chibi, their relationship remained undefined, a delicate, unspoken arrangement. Many times, the words had hovered on his tongue, the desperate urge to ask Kenji if they were truly in a relationship but fear always silenced him. He was terrified of an answer he didn't want to hear, so he kept his mouth shut, waiting for Kenji to speak first, to give their connection a name.
Just as he was lost in these anxious thoughts, a soft kiss landed on his neck, sending a shiver through him. "Good morning," Kenji murmured, his voice thick with sleep.
Hajime turned, meeting Kenji's gaze, and leaned in to kiss his forehead. "Good morning," he replied, a small, genuine smile gracing his lips.
"You woke up just now," Kenji asked, his eyes still heavy-lidded. "Why didn't you wake me up?"
"I was thinking," Hajime confessed.
Kenji smiled, his fingers idly stroking Hajime's arm. "What are you thinking about?"
Hajime sighed, the unspoken question finally finding its way out. "Kenji-san, what do you think of us?"
"Us?" Kenji repeated, his brow furrowed slightly. "What do you mean?"
Hajime swallowed, his heart beginning to pound. "Are we dating, or just friends with benefits?"
Kenji sighed, the playful atmosphere instantly gone. He slowly sat up, the sheets pooling around his waist, and looked directly at Hajime, his expression serious. "Hajime… do you want to date me?"
Hajime slowly sat up as well, his chest tightening with a mix of hope and dread. "So, we're not dating?" he asked sadly, the answer already clear.
Kenji reached out, taking Hajime's hand. "If you want to date, I don't mind. But before you agree, I have to make one thing clear."
"What is it?" Hajime asked, a knot forming in his stomach.
"Although I like you very much and hope to be with you every minute and every second of every day," Kenji began, his voice soft but firm, "my parents think differently from me. I will probably marry a wife and have children in the future."
"I see…" Hajime whispered, the words a dull ache in his heart. What should have been the happiest day of his life, the confirmation of Kenji's feelings, had just turned into one of the most painful.
"Until then," Kenji continued, his thumb gently stroking Hajime's knuckles, "I can date you if you want."
Hajime pulled his hand away slightly; his gaze fixed on the rumpled sheets. "Is this what you wanted too, or are you doing it because you're too kind to refuse my presence?"
Kenji pulled Hajime back into his arm, holding him close. "Hajime-kun, this is what I have always wanted. But in the future, I will get married. I don't want to lie to you; I want to tell you the truth now."
Hajime thought for a few moments, the implications of Kenji's words sinking in. He knew that Kenji, as the eldest son of a prominent family, would be expected to marry a woman in the future. But the future was unpredictable, a vast, unwritten space. He felt a fierce, almost desperate confidence in himself; as long as he loved Kenji wholeheartedly, truly and deeply, Kenji would not change, and would love him to the same extent, even if their relationship could only be temporary.
Hajime finally asked, his voice low, "Do you have any suggestions?"
Kenji tightened his embrace. "We can date now, but in the future, when we meet someone else, we like, or decide to marry that person, we must completely sever the relationship so as not to cause trouble for each other."
Hajime's heart shattered. What should have been the happiest day in his life, the day Kenji confessed his feelings, had become the most painful. If he wanted to keep Kenji, even for a short time, he had to consent to Kenji's agreement, to this painful, predetermined expiration date.
"Kenji-san, let's not date then…" he said, his voice raw with heartbreak. "If you find someone else in the future, tell me the truth, and I will leave." His voice was barely a whisper. "I love where we are now. Casual lovers; no commitment." This way, he reasoned, when it ended, it wouldn't be a broken promise, just the cessation of an informal arrangement.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" Kenji asked, his voice filled with concern.
Hajime nodded, a silent 'yes' that tasted like ashes.
Although this decision filled Hajime with a profound sadness, he understood Kenji's reasoning. Unlike him, whose home was broken, whose life was already in ruins, Kenji was a rich, beloved son, a "hero" in Hajime's eyes. Hajime's life was already marred by loss; he didn't want his hero's life to be ruined for him.
"Get ready," Kenji said softly, gently disentangling himself. "I have a meeting at ten o'clock. I'll take you to school."
Hajime forced a bright smile, a fragile mask to hide his breaking heart.
Kenji dropped Hajime off at the corner of the street, a block from the school, a familiar precaution to prevent anyone from seeing them together. Before Hajime left Kenji's luxurious car, he leaned in and gave Kenji a quick, almost desperate kiss. He waved to Kenji, a small, sad gesture, as Kenji sped his car down the road, leaving him alone on the sidewalk.
Hajime looked forward and saw Keiji and his other friends standing on the opposite side of the street, their gazes fixed on him. Just by glaring at Keiji, Hajime could see the anger radiating from him. Keiji, oblivious to traffic, stormed across the road, a furious expression on his face.
Keiji grabbed Hajime by the collar, his grip tight, teeth gritted. "That's my brother's car speeding away, isn't it?!"
Hajime did not speak, but he nodded, a silent admission.
"Why?! Why?!" Keiji demanded, his voice rising to a furious shout. He tightened his grasp around Hajime's collar, shaking him slightly. "You can mess with any man you want, I don't care, but why are you messing with my brother?!"
"Keiji, don't get me wrong," Hajime said, trying to diffuse the situation. "We aren't dating."
"If you're not dating my brother then what are you to him?!" Keiji scoffed, a sneer twisting his lips. "Obviously not like brothers!"
"We agreed not to date and to keep the relationship as casual lovers," Hajime explained, trying to sound calm, trying to adhere to the painful truth.
The word "casual lover" hit Keiji like a physical blow, stripping away any last shred of composure. He felt utterly betrayed by Hajime, and a surge of furious resentment coursed through him. He was the one who had introduced Hajime to Kenji, his own brother, never imagining this twisted outcome.
In his mind, Hajime was a sneaky, deadly poisonous snake in disguise, slithering into their family. If his parents knew about the relationship between Kenji and Hajime, his parents would be heartbroken, their high hopes for Kenji, their eldest and most promising son, crushed.
The more he thought about the disappointed expressions on his parents' faces, the angrier he became. He raised his right fist, his face contorted with rage, and punched Hajime squarely in the face. The blow knocked Hajime to the ground, scattering his books as his friends rushed across the street to stop Keiji.
Keiji spat at Hajime, his voice frantic with disgust. "Stay away from my brother and our family!"
"Keiji, what's going on?!"
"Yeah, why did you hit Hinode-kun?!"
One of Keiji's friends looked down at Hajime, who was slowly pushing himself up from the pavement, then back at Keiji. He asked, his voice laced with disdain, "Keiji, did this fag offend you?"
"Let's go..." Keiji snarled, pulling away from his friends' restraining hands. "Don't get yourself dirty by standing with this kind of person." He turned and walked away, his friends following, leaving Hajime bruised and alone on the sidewalk.
Just like that, Hajime lost Keiji, the only friend who had seemed to genuinely accept him, all because of his involvement with Kenji. Hajime didn't go to school that day. Instead, he walked home, his face throbbing, his heart aching. He sat in his room for a long time, the silence oppressive, before finally sending a chat message to Keiji. He wrote: Tsukumo-kun, sorry. The message he sent was read, a small "seen" notification appearing on his screen, but he received no reply from Keiji. After waiting for more than ten minutes, his hope dwindling, Hajime sent it again. As he hit send, a notification popped up: Keiji had already blocked and unfriended him on the chat app.
Hajime sighed, a weary, defeated sound, and then, reluctantly, sent Kenji a message. As soon as Kenji finished reading the message, his phone rang. It was Kenji.
"Did he see us together?" Kenji asked, his voice urgent.
"Yes," Hajime confirmed, his voice flat. "Now he blocked me and unfriended me. I can't reach him."
"Did he do anything to you?" Kenji asked, a sharp edge to his voice.
"He didn't do anything to me," Hajime lied, though his throbbing cheek belied the words. "But I won't come to see you these days."
"What's wrong?" Kenji pressed, his concern palpable.
"My mother is sick. I need to take care of her," Hajime lied again, a desperate attempt to create distance, to protect Kenji from the fallout of his life.
"Okay, you take care of your mom," Kenji said, his voice softening. "Don't worry about Keiji; I'll talk to him." He paused for a few moments, the silence stretching. "Hajime-kun."
"Mmm…" Hajime replied, a small, choked sound.
"Don't even think about it," Kenji said, his voice firm, resolute. "Don't let Keiji's words affect you or ruin our relationship. I want you to know that until this moment, I still like you very much and haven't changed."
Hajime smiled, tears finally rolling down his bruised face, hot against his cold cheeks. "I understand," he said, the words a whisper of relief and pain.
"So, wipe away your tears," Kenji instructed gently, "go take a good shower, eat something good, and take a nap. When you wake up, everything will be fine."
Hajime had always found strength in Kenji's words of encouragement. He asked, a small, fragile question, "How do you know I'm crying?"
"If you pay attention to me as much as I do for you," Kenji said, a tender amusement in his voice, "then you can know how I feel just by listening to the way I breathe. Hajime-kun, cheer up... you just need to know that I love you, and right now, you are still my number one person."
"Kenji-san, thank you," Hajime choked out, deeply moved.
"Lunch is over," Kenji said, a sigh in his voice. "I have to go back to work. I'll call you when I'm off work. Do you want me to deliver some food to you?"
"No," Hajime replied, already feeling a little stronger from Kenji's words. "Kenji-san, have a nice day at work."
Hajime ended the call with Kenji, then made himself follow Kenji's advice. He found, however, that what Kenji asked him to do was easier said than done. He took a bath, made himself a big lunch, and lay in bed to sleep, but sleep wouldn't come. There was a strange, unsettling feeling in his heart, a deep unease that made his heart tremble with worries even he couldn't explain, a premonition of something more.
Hajime sighed and closed his eyes, but he still couldn't fall asleep, so he decided to go to the roof to get some fresh air.
He stood on the edge of the roof, looking down at the people below, watching them pass by like busy ants. Suddenly, a person caught his attention. A beautiful girl in white walked towards him barefoot on the bustling street below, wearing a silky white dress, a serene smile gracing her face. Her long, black, silky hair fluttered gently in the wind, like a dark waterfall. Everything around the girl seemed to be illuminated by an ethereal light, and no one on the street seemed to notice her except Hajime, who was watching the girl from the roof, captivated. The way she looked directly at Hajime with that gentle smile made it impossible for Hajime to look away. The girl continued to smile at Hajime, a silent, knowing invitation.