"Why?", his had frozen still, insecurity creasing his brow.
"Because I can't do this anymore."
"Do what? Christ, Liv, talk to me, you look ready to faint. What's going on with you?"
"What's going on with me?", her shoulders shook, "Jesus. And the thing is that it doesn't even matter because you are better, you really are, and you should stay that way"
"Are you not telling me because you think I'll get worse?"
At this point he started to look slightly ill from worry.
"No", she shook her head and suddenly felt a wave of tiredness hit her hard.
"Then..?"
"Whatever this was has been working, Tommy. I don't see why we should put an end to it when it's gotten you healthier."
"What? No, God. You got it backwards. It's the end to it that's gotten me better", he held her gaze steadily as she grappled with the meaning of his words, "You're not the poison if that's the idea you got. I think of you, I mean about getting closer to deserving you, and the urge to relapse wanes. Maybe that's not healthy, I don't know, but that's how it is."
"But you... You said... I was self harm", just the memory caused her to shudder slightly and pain marred his face at remembering.
"I would have said anything at that point. That doesn't excuse it though, I know."
"You never told me what you just said before now. You let me... Fuck... I thought..."
"What did you think?"
"I thought it was your way of getting me off your back. Like for good. So you... You still want me?"
"Livvy... I still want you. I love you, I always will. I'm sorry I was so shit at communicating back in September. If I knew this was what you were thinking all this time I would have... reached out. I know I should have considered you more."
"I think you really needed to consider yourself first for some time."
Suddenly she felt even more embarrassed about her dramatics, her anger, her complete loss of interest in anything these last months.
"I'm not ill in any way, I swear", she assured him, "We can just get back to it, the apart-thing, if that's what you want."
The idea of not seeing him for another two months was painful but far from as painful as the idea of having lost him for good.
"I think a time out would be fine if you're okay with it, until we cleared up the misunderstandings. And that can wait until tomorrow because I think you need to sleep now, like really bad."
As soon as he said it she felt her eyelids grow heavier, her body lax with relief. A promise. A tomorrow with him.
"You've not been sleeping, huh?", he said begrudgingly as he wrapped his arms around her and her head hit his shoulder, "Why?"
Attempting a shrug she nestled in closer to him, inhaled his scent that she had missed, so indescribably much.
"I don't know", Liv murmured, kissing his neck and smiling to herself when he gasped and whispered that he had missed her so bad.
"And hey, for the record. I wouldn't have gone on that date if I had known we weren't finished."
She thought maybe she felt a slight stiffening in his body but before she could question it sleep pulled her under.