Today was like any other day– Uneventful Grey .
Except.... I think I'm being bullied .
When I saw my desk this morning it had words, vulgar words I do not wish to say written all over.
My eyes stung , it hurt .
"Am I being bullied ? me?" I asked in a whisper .
I was confused , I don't think I've offended anyone,
" Ahhh shoot!" It hit me ,those seniors ,the harassers ,I saw one a while ago.
He chuckled a little to too hard when I walked past him, it was unsettling but I didn't give it much thought.
'Couldn it really be them ?'
I tried to deny it but the signs were becoming too obvious.
First it was my locker ,it was smashed in ,the lock jammed .
Then some kidd kept bumping into me , not once not twice but again and again .
It was always the same kid .
Pretends never to see me never saying sorry.
' Breathe in ...Breathe out ' I calmed my nerves .
Atleast it was written in chalk so I wiped it clean ,harshly, refusing to look at it any longer.
I sat to eat lunch –tried to – and it tasted particularly bitter.
I looked out the window lost in thought, eyes aimlessly following the other students teeming with energy ,shouting ,laughing ,being alive .
I wondered if I could be part of it....I wanted to be part of it .
I wanted to see me not through me .
But that was just a wish.
I've always been invisible, overlooked ,cast aside , ignored.
But this -this is new .Attention but in a bad way ,made me wary ,scared.
Deep down I found it strange and intriguing, surprised that anyone notices me at all.
I took in a deep breath , I didn't know why but I could feel it my days ahead my not be the best .
°°°°
The wind blew in,jolting me out of the carefully crafted world I was lost in – either the book was too good or the world was too brutal .
I looked around noting no one else was in the classroom ,
" I should get going" .
I tidied up my desk, packed my bag and left the class.
Walking down the empty hallway ,I could feel the loniness of my footsteps echoing an empty rhythm.
Suddenly a ball of paper was tossed at me .
I looked up ,
" Oh no" ,'trouble' I didn't dare say that part out loud ,at least not in front of them .
A chill ran up my spine as I scanned the faces of those seniors–from behind the school, each one of them holding a mocking smile .
' Run' I told myself.
' Run ' 'Don't run'
I was conflicted .
" What's up ghostie?"
The boys crowded around me ,Shota –the leader – ruffled my head like I was some dog ( it was insulting).
' My shoes look great today '
I dared not to look them in the eye , I didn't speak a word .
I could only bite my trembling lips hoping my anxiety wasn't obvious.
" HEY, He's talking to you !" One of the lackeys shoved me to the floor, another gave me a not so light kick .
It hurt.
Tears threatened to fall but I held it in .
" Amy, take it easy ,the teachers might see" Shota smirked,pulling me up to stand.
I doubt he cared about the teachers, none of them did .
" Good boy " Je patted my head and straightened my collar , they laughed at how pitiful I looked .
' Run!' I gripped the straps of my back pack ,searched for an opening and run ?
I did , I ran through the doors out the gates and unto the street, the seniors were stunned not expecting me to just.....
I didn't stop , constantly looking over my shoulders , I reached the train station, hands on my knees breathless and drenched in sweat.
I just wanted to hug my pillow .
I just wanted to go to my haven, I was too shaken up to take a detour , so I went straight home maybe I shouldn't have because home wasn't any better .
It felt cold and oppressive brother was out, so it was just me with my parents.
Silent animosity lingered in the air.
At night I laid awake in the dark listening to the distant sound of my mother reveling in booze with her boyfriend and the loud sound of the TV probably my dad trying to outdo them .
This routine was tiring, a reminder that love had left their marriage, had left us .
My brother stopped intervening years ago so did my grandparents , now we just have to deal with it .
Pretend it's normal , another day, another night in this fractured household.
I shouldn't but I can't stop longing .....hoping for non existence warmth from them, from this world.
Is that too much ask for?
Who knows .