Stepping in the shower, I close my eyes as the warm water hits my face directly. It makes me shudder slightly and flinch. My body wants to get the fuck away from it, but my heart won't accept it. My mind won't let it. Having almost 93 degrees in the shade today made me sweat badly. It's not usually that hot here in San Francisco. Sure, it's hot, but bearable. Today, it's like piercing through your skin and making you feel uncomfortably warm as all you want to do is just get in the ice-cold shower. And here I am, letting the hot water run through my entire naked body, making me squint my eyes shut in pain. Gripping onto the shower handle, I am about to turn it off but then something stops me. The reason I am here, doing this, makes me retrieve my hand in mere seconds as I sit down under the running hot shower and pull my knees to myself, raise my chin to the ceiling as I let the hot water burn my body entirely so my heart can stop burning. I fucking hate myself. Why did it have to come back? Why did I have to suffer again? And why to the extent that I love the suffering, love the torture I give myself? I want to be back to normal....but was I ever normal?
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