Cold…
That was the first thing.
Cold coming up through my cheek.
Am I lying on my face?
I opened my eyes slowly.
Metal floor.
Dim light.
That ceiling.
…
I know this room.
Same dull walls.
That dark spot where the water constantly fell.
I'm back where it started.
…
I see.
So that's what happened.
I died.
The thought didn't scare me.
I died at the end of the road, and this is what comes after.
Is this hell?
I scoffed a little.
Maybe that's how it works. Maybe you just go back to the last place you were and do it all over.
The drip.
The tray.
The torture.
Again.
I almost laughed.
Even being dead looks like this.
If so, then I should have all my injuries.
I got my hands under me and pushed up slowly, waiting for the black at the edges of my vision.
It didn't come.
Huh?
I sat back on my heels and checked.
Arms?
I moved my arms.
Sore, but moving.
Legs?
I then got up and kicked around.
Hmm…
Not broken.
Shoulder?
I pressed two fingers where the red had been.
Eh?
Nothing?
I slid off the shirt and looked at my shoulder.
No hole.
No bandage.
Not even a mark?
That's…
I pressed harder.
Nothing.
Then I stopped.
Wait…
Dead people probably don't get to keep their holes.
…
Yeah, that makes sense.
I pulled my shirt back up and swallowed.
…
I blinked.
What was that?
I swallowed again.
There it is.
That sensation again.
My hand came up slowly.
There was something around my neck.
Wh-what is this?
I slid my fingers along it, looking for an edge, a clasp, anything.
There's no opening?
I tried to fit a finger underneath.
It's too tight.
It's like it had grown there.
I swallowed again.
"Ma—"
I caught it.
No…
She's not here.
I lowered my hand from the collar and sat very still in the middle of the room that death looked exactly like.
Clap.
I flinched.
Clap.
Clap.
I turned my head toward the sound and found nothing.
What?
Where did it come from?
And then I heard a voice.
From everywhere.
"Remarkable."
Light gathered in the middle of the room the way water gathers into a drop, and then there was a person standing in it.
Made of it.
Huh?
I stopped breathing for a second.
A person made of light?
I got up slowly.
Was…
Were they the one that was clapping?
The light person didn't move nor speak.
They just watched as I waited for them to say something else.
The room stayed quiet the way the house used to stay quiet. It was the kind of quiet where someone is deciding something about you.
I knew this game.
You don't speak first.
You never speak first.
Speaking first is how they find you.
But…
I looked down at my hands.
This isn't the house.
Plus, I'm already dead.
What's left to lose?
I looked back up at the shape made of light.
"…God?"
The light person tilted their head.
Then their body jumped a little.
Was that a laugh?
Then—
"Close."
Wha…
They answered?
I blinked.
Me?
Someone answered me?
I took half a step forward.
"Then wh—"
Everything went wavy and my knees hit the floor before I understood anything.
What is that noise?
It's too loud!
My hands found the collar and felt a subtle vibration.
That's it.
It has to be coming from this!
I pulled and it did nothing.
I'm…
Feeling s-sleepy.
It suddenly stopped.
I stayed on the floor.
Breathing.
Both hands still around my throat.
It's done…
I looked up.
The light person hadn't moved.
"Incorrect."
They started to walk around me.
"The proper question is—"
They stopped right in front of me.
"—who are you?"
I stayed on my knees.
Who am I?
That's…
I know that one.
I know that one even here.
"Fuxi… Noriaki."
The light person didn't move.
"Wrong."
I blinked.
Wrong?
But that's…
A tone came from my neck.
Low.
I instinctively grabbed the collar again.
No!
Not that noise again.
After a few seconds, it stopped.
My hands came down fast as I started breathing heavily.
Does it do that when I lie?
I stared at the floor as I watched my sweat hit the floor.
But I didn't lie!
That's what everyone called me in the house.
I stopped for a second.
Except…
For my siblings.
I slightly looked up.
Wait…
There was another one.
The one she told me a while ago.
She told me that it should help in dire times if I ever need to use it.
"Fuxi—"
The tone came back.
I grabbed my neck again, letting my head hit the ground.
Whyyy!?
The word Fleurdelys stayed behind my teeth.
The light person crouched down in front of me, until the bright blur of their face was level with mine.
"Wrong again."
A pause.
"Though I admire the persistence."
They stood back up.
"You are not a Noriaki. They discarded you."
The light turned, walked a few paces, turned back.
"You are not whatever else you were about to say."
The silhouette spread its arms just slightly.
"You are Ragnarok."
I blinked a couple of times.
What?
…that's not my name.
I looked up at the light figure.
Slowly, I was picking up small details of the silhouette.
A… long coat?
The light figure looked up toward the ceiling.
"My magnum opus."
I squinted my eyes, then without thinking—
"That's… not my name."
…
I wasn't supposed to say that!
My hands flew to the collar, expecting to hear that noise again.
It didn't come.
Huh?
I looked toward the light figure.
They slowly raised one arm and pointed.
I followed the finger.
The steel chair?
"Look at your eyes."
That was all they said.
I didn't move at first.
Why the chair?
What do my eyes have to do with—
"Go on."
Why does it sound like…
They had a surprise for me.
I got up slowly.
Ugh, I forgot how lifeless this floor feels like
I crossed the room quietly, subconsciously counting my steps.
I stopped in front of the chair and leaned toward the dull shine.
There I was.
Messy long hair.
Thin face.
Half-destroyed clothes.
And—
I stopped breathing.
Wait…
What's up with my right eye?
The eye was red.
Not bloodshot red, but red like the field.
I blinked and looked again.
Still red.
I rubbed it, then looked again.
Still red.
I leaned closer until my breath fogged the steel.
It moved when I moved.
It blinked when I blinked.
How does this make sense?
My head whipped to the light figure.
"…What did you do to me?"
The light figure spoke, and I could hear something lined in their voice.
Pride.
"I… perfected you."
The light figure lowered their arm.
What does he mean by that?
"Three days ago, you died. Heart, lungs, everything. On the range floor, at 14:07."
They began to walk again. Their light dragged faint shadows around the room.
"Charles lost the wager, incidentally. He gave you until the fortieth round."
I didn't understand.
Isn't this heaven though?
The light figure took a look at me.
I heard a loud sigh.
"Drop that thinking. You are alive, Ragnarok."
I flinched.
I'm not dead?
"The reason why is that I built you to stand here. Every dose of Lazui. Every session of "Love". Every day of this—" one bright hand gestured at the room, the walls, all of it, "—was preparation. The others were drafts, Ragnarok. You were the manuscript."
They stopped walking.
"And three days ago, the work… finally took."
The head tilted toward me.
"Something answered. Something I have been calling for years."
I heard the pride line their words again.
"Would you like to see?"
I didn't say anything.
The wall behind the chair flickered—
And there was the range.
With someone hanging in the restraints.
That's…
Me.
I watched myself not move for a long time.
That's…
Is that my—
My stomach couldn't take it anymore.
I threw up right in front of me.
The light figure snapped a couple times.
"Don't look away now. This is the best part."
I looked up to the wall.
The mess in the video is…
Gone?
I blinked a couple of times.
Then, four iridescent purple worms came from the body's back.
Wait…
What are those things?
"Fascinating… Isn't it."
I could hear the glee within their voice.
This isn't right.
I shook my head.
This has to be a dream.
"Is that the best you can do?"
The voice came from the wall.
That's my voice!
But, I don't remember any of this.
The worms wrapped around the body.
I watched my body fall down from the restraints and catch itself.
It stretched out before looking directly at the window.
"Now let's have a true blood bath!"
And then the wall showed me things in pieces, because pieces were all I could take in.
White coats moving fast.
Then not moving.
The body — my body — crossing the room in a way humans don't cross rooms.
Sound. So much sound. Then a lot less of it.
I looked away again.
"Watch."
The tone hummed low against my throat.
I fought the wave of numbness as I turned back.
Near the end, the me on the wall crouched over something on the floor.
At first, I didn't understand what it was doing.
Wait…
Am I?
My stomach turned itself over again and I bent forward.
There was nothing else in me, so I just shook.
The light figure watched me shake.
On the wall, at the edge of the frame, behind a long crack in the glass.
Someone was standing there.
Not running.
Not screaming.
Just watching.
I didn't know why my eyes went there.
The light figure let the quiet sit for a moment.
Like they were letting the last of it soak into me.
"What you saw," they said finally, "has a name."
They began to walk again.
The wall went dark.
"For eleven years, I have studied the body. My research pointed out that we are being held back by an unknown power."
They stopped.
"Something the fervent call… Gods."
I watched the light figure throw their hands up and shake their head.
"Those things don't exist. We are here because of science, but I digress."
I tilted my head.
Digress?
What does that mean?
They looked down at me and shook their head.
"I needed test subjects, but adults would prove to be insufficient. So, I turned to experimenting on children. 17 attempts. Ten of them produced… interesting results. Powers. Instabilities. Useful things."
A pause.
"But the other seven?"
They stopped in front of the dark wall, their back to me.
"Dead."
I slowly got on my feet and backed away.
"You died, Ragnarok. Where the other scientist would have simply chalked you up as a loss, I knew something was different."
They turned.
"You are the first successful vessel."
I didn't know what that word meant.
Vessel.
Like a cup?
"You are wondering what it means."
I heard a sigh come from them.
"It means that you are no longer only you. It means my work succeeded. It means everything done in this facility — every subject, every year, every expense — has been justified by those fourteen minutes of footage."
They stuck a hand out.
"You should feel honored. You are the single most valuable object on this planet."
I backed into the wall.
Object…
They're just like them.
A toy that won't break with whatever they throw at.
The figure tilted its head.
"Incidentally. The woman behind the glass. You noticed her."
I went still.
Wha…
How did they—
"Of course you noticed her. I've seen that you notice everything. It's one of your better features."
They walked a few paces.
"Dr. Hawthorne. Your… caretaker. The sole survivor of the incident."
I heard a soft sound, almost a laugh came from them.
"Do you know what she did after?"
A short scoff came from them.
"She didn't resign, transfer, or even ask for a day of leave."
The figure stopped.
"She requested to stay assigned to you. Permanently. She was quite insistent."
I shivered.
As I looked at the light figure again, something on their face was visible.
Is that…
A smile?
"I reviewed her psychological evaluation this morning. Fascinating reading. The word the examiner kept writing was devotion."
The head tilted the other way.
"She believes she witnessed something holy in that room, Ragnarok. She believes she was spared for a reason."
A pause.
"I have not corrected her. Faith makes for remarkably reliable staff."
They then clasped their hands behind their back.
"Now. To business."
They began to walk once more.
"The footage answers one question and raises approximately forty more. We know what you are capable of when dying. We know nothing about what you are capable of on command."
They glanced at me.
"That is an unacceptable gap in the data."
The wall behind them flickered again.
There were lines and bars I couldn't read on the wall.
I looked above them.
Wait…
Where's my name?
All I saw was RAGNAROK plastered everywhere on the wall.
"We will need to establish everything. Your magical capacity, regenerative threshold, other abilities, and how far can we go without seeing the other side of you."
What do they mean behind that?
"Testing resumes in three days. Dr. Hawthorne will oversee your preparation. She is, as I mentioned, highly motivated."
My stomach dropped.
Her…
I don't want to see her.
The figure turned to face me fully.
"In the meanwhile, you will be fed. Twice daily. Properly. Water without rationing. A mattress will be provided."
I stared.
Food?
A bed?
I should have felt something like relief.
I didn't.
Because I knew what it meant.
The empty trays were for subjects that were given up on.
The meals were for equipment.
"You will find that being valuable is a far more comfortable existence than being expendable."
The light figure moved toward the wall, beginning to thin,
"Though I suspect you will come to miss being expendable."
The last of the brightness gathered into a single line.
"Rest well, Ragnarok. We have years of work ahead of us."
As the light vanished, the room dimmed.
I stayed on my knees for a long time, then crawled to the wall.
I put my back against it, and wrapped my hands around the collar I couldn't get my fingers under.
Fù Xuán Noriaki.
No…
Fuxi.
My name, is Fuxi Fleurdelys.
I said it again.
And again.
Until I fell asleep holding it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They kept their word.
The food they promised came twice a day. Sometimes it was warm, but it was real food.
The first time, I stared at it so long it went cold, waiting for the trick.
There wasn't one.
After I took the first bite, I hated how good it felt to eat something solid.
The water situation was solved also. It came in a large cup alongside the food.
I drank until my stomach hurt, then made myself stop.
I also hid a piece of bread under the mattress, because a tray that comes twice a day can stop coming twice.
A big, fluffy box came on the first day. Two people carried it in, set it down and left without looking at me.
I didn't sleep on it.
I slept beside it in my normal position.
Back to the wall.
Facing the door.
That box is too fluffy, I don't like how it feels.
I counted the trays after that time with the light figure.
Six trays.
…
Ugh, that means…
I was poking at the collar when the sound came.
I froze.
Three.
Then silence.
My body did the thing before I could stop it.
I leaned toward the door, listening for the fourth long knock.
The door opened, pushing me back on my butt.
"Good morning, my lord!"
What?
Wait, forget that.
I was on my feet before I decided to be. Back flat against the wall. Curled up in a corner.
Dr. Hawthorne stepped into the cell and did something I had no name for.
She stopped a few steps in and lowered her head.
"It's an honor," she said, "to see you awake."
I stopped shivering.
H-huh?
Wasn't she the one who would jump right into hurting me without thinking?
She raised her head, and I saw it.
Down the left side of her face, from eyebrow to jaw was a scar. A large scar from a blade.
Did…
I do that?
She saw me looking and smiled.
I shivered a little.
I don't like that smile.
She touched the scar with two fingers gently.
"You gave me this," she said. "I've wanted to thank you since that day."
"May I?"
The comb sat in her open palm.
Hands…
The chair.
Hands…
The wet sack.
Hands…
"No!"
I dashed off the wall, toward the door. I wasn't thinking about where I was going until—
The floor came up sideways.
I heard myself hit it.
The room went wavy at the edges as I threw my hands at the collar and tried to pull at it.
No.
Not again.
"What—"
I heard Hawthorne's voice far away.
Then close.
"What is happening? What is—"
I felt hands on my shoulders.
No!
Don't touch me!
I couldn't do anything as she turned me over.
Then, something soft touched my neck, then hands.
And everything about her went still.
The sound slowly subsided.
The room settled and I lay there gasping on the floor with her crouched over me.
I looked over to her and saw her face. It was doing something I had never seen it do.
Her jaw was tight. Her eyes had gone flat and small. I felt her thumb pressed against the collar's surface.
"Who," she said quietly, "put this on you."
I didn't answer.
I couldn't have.
My voice was still coming back.
She stood up and looked at the ceiling.
Is she… looking at the corner of the room?
"A restraint?" she said. "You put a restraint, to my God?"
Her voice stayed quiet.
"Do you have any idea what you're doing? Do any of you have the faintest—"
She stopped herself and took a deep breath through her nose.
Then looked down at me, and the fury folded away. A few seconds later, the warmth came back over her face like a lid.
"I'm sorry, my lord. That was unbecoming."
She picked the comb up off the floor from where I hadn't seen her drop it.
Set it down again, gently, closer to me this time.
"We'll discuss the collar," she said, to the ceiling corner, pleasantly.
I slightly backed away.
Her voice isn't pleasant at all.
Hawthorne stood there a moment longer before she smoothed the front of her coat.
"Well. This wasn't the visit I had planned."
She looked down at the comb on the floor between us.
"Keep it. There's no rush, my lord."
She backed toward the door.
"We have so much time together now."
At the threshold she bowed again — deeper than the first time — and reached for the door.
Then stopped.
"And, my lord?"
I didn't move.
"Next time, you needn't run. I would never hurt you."
…
"Not anymore."
The door closed behind her.
I stayed in the corner for a long time.
The comb sat in the middle of the floor where she'd left it.
Closer than before.
I didn't touch it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The trays kept coming.
So, I ate.
Hid a little food, and counted.
Six trays until the third day.
That means the next four trays I have to figure something out.
I don't know what the light figure meant by tests.
A couple hours later, I tried an experiment.
I sat with my back to the wall, facing the door, and I put my hand on the collar.
Then, very quietly…
"Fù Xuán Noriaki"
I braced.
Nothing.
I waited a long time to be sure.
"Fuxi."
Nothing.
I let go of the collar.
"Fuxi… Fleurdelys."
I let out a breath I'd been holding since the light figure left.
So.
The collar didn't hate the name.
The light figure didn't want me to use my name.
It was the best thing I'd learned since I got here.
I could use my name as long as no one was listening.
After the fourth tray, I tried to find the field.
I closed my eyes and looked for it the way I'd found it before. The dark behind my eyes.
The walking.
The smell.
The dark was there.
The smell wasn't.
Ow!
I opened my eyes.
Oh, I ran into the wall…
I turned around and sat back on the floor.
Back to square one…
Now I know the field doesn't come when I call it.
It comes when it wants.
I rested my head on the cold floor.
Like everything else.
As I closed my eyes, I could hear a very faint voice through the wall.
Far away.
Muffled almost to nothing.
Is that yelling?
I couldn't make out words.
Just the shape of it — high, angry, going and going.
Then a faint banging sound followed after.
Then nothing.
I sat up in the dark and stared at the wall it came from.
Are there others?
I put my ear flat against the wall, and sat there.
I don't know how long I was there for, but something told me I may not be alone in this.
The sixth tray came.
I looked at it for a while.
Then looked at the comb, still in the middle of the floor.
I got up, walked over and picked it up.
It's lighter than hers.
I carried it to the far corner and set it down facing the wall.
Then I sat back down in my spot and fixed my hair the only way I had known without her comb.
Bottom up.
Never pull.
Let the fingers do the work.
I looked up toward the door.
It will open soon.
I blinked slowly.
They never go past six trays.
I heard two pairs of footsteps coming from behind the door.
Wait…
There's a third pair.
…
I know the third one.
I got to my feet before the door moved.
"Good afternoon, my lord!"
Hawthorne burst through the door, bowing at the threshold.
Behind her were two people in gray.
"Dr. Hawthorne! W-why are you bowing to Experiment 002. Codename: Ragnarok?"
She turned to the tall one in gray.
Her expression was one I didn't have a name for.
"Langris…"
He flinched from the tone of her voice.
I slowly took a step back.
What is this sense of anger I feel?
"Do you not see a God in front of you!? Why are you giving THEM a label that isn't THEIR name?"
He immediately bowed.
"I'm sorry Dr. Hawthorne. It won't happen again."
"Good. Now properly introduce yourself to THEM."
The tall one turned toward me and bowed again.
"G-good afternoon, my lord. I am Langris Inka, a subordinate of Dr. Hawthorne."
I looked over to Hawthorne, who kicked the short one.
The short one rubbed their butt.
"Doc, there was no need to do that. I was going to introduce myself after Lan…"
Hawthorne gave them a stare.
The short one sighed and waved their hand once.
"Yo, my lord! I'm Imari Onokobe, Dr. Hawthorne's second subordinate."
I tilted my head as I took another step back.
The tall man looks scary… but isn't. The short lady—
I flinched.
Imari grabbed the back of her head.
"Ow, Doc! What was that for?"
Hawthorne rolled her eyes.
"That's because you were disrespectful to THEM."
Imari crouched down as she reeled back in pain.
"That one was because Langris stuttered."
Hawthorne straightened up and started scanning the room.
She stopped on the far corner where the comb was facing the wall.
"You moved it," she said softly.
I didn't look in their direction.
Only because it was in the way…
"It's time," she said. "Are you ready?"
I'm not.
Just leave me here…
Langris stepped forward and reached for my arm.
"Let's go experim—"
Hawthorne's head turned toward him just slightly.
He flinched and stopped reaching.
"S-sorry Dr. Hawthorne. It's a force of habit to call h— THEM that."
She slapped his hand away.
"She'll walk, Inka. Won't you… my lord?"
I hesitated.
Do I even have a choice?
I started to slowly walk out the room.
As I stepped out of the room, I noticed the long hall kept the same gray color, and cold like the cell.
I feel like… I've been through here before. I don't remember this, but my body does.
We walked down the lifeless hall.
Left.
Straight.
Up the stairs…
We started walking past doors and other people in gray.
Where…
Are we?
I started counting the doors as we walked past them.
One.
Two.
When we got past the fourth door, I heard a low thud from inside.
Then another.
I slowed without meaning to.
Imari put her hand on my shoulder and lightly pushed.
"You didn't hear this from me… But I hate how this organization treats the other kids."
I kept walking, but my eyes stayed on the door as long as my neck allowed.
There are others!
As we got to the end of the hall, Hawthorne stepped past me and put her hand flat against a panel.
What is she doing?
The door made a sound like a bird and opened to a room full of light.
I couldn't see past Hawthorne as she turned in the doorway.
She knelt down and I saw the look on her face.
This is going to be torture...
Isn't it?
"After you, my lord."