Unwoven Destinies
Yuujiki
Chapter 6: Chapter # 5 - Fruits of misunderstandings
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"You've sure become happier." Today, I am assisting on the scouting party with Suzanne and Sara. There wasn't anything overly unusual or to be particularly careful about, so the older woman happily gets into chatter.
"Is that so?" I know it is. However, there isn't much to answer for that remark. I know where it is going.
"Why, of course. You used to be so miserable and gloomy before. Enough for milk nearby to go sour. And would you look at you now? Definite improvement." She nods approvingly in my direction with a hum.
"Was I really that bad? Anyway, I'm not complaining about how it is now."
Chuckle. "I'm sure you aren't. After all, you wouldn't want to make that girl unhappy."
"Of course I wouldn't. Who would want that smile to disappear?" I earnestly agree.
Suzanne chuckled. "Fair enough. But I thought you'd also had troubles with your family. Did you somehow fix it? Or was being lovesick just one of them, then?" Here we go. My cheeks heat a little, but I refuse to be flustered that easily. I might have known this woman for weeks rather than years, but I've picked up on her love for messing with people by now. Not that it makes me more prepared.
"I have an arrangement with princess Ariel about that matter, so there is no point in worrying about it too much."
"Good for you, good luck with that. No comment on being lovesick, then? Ah, I suppose you don't exactly count as lovesick anymore. More like… doting?" She refuses to drop the topic.
"There's nothing wrong with that." I can't help but sound defensive.
"Of course not. It's just that you two are sometimes so sweet that it's frustrating to watch. The way you blush when you're holding hands, or when you kiss when you guys think you are alone… I miss being so young." I know she is just teasing me, but that doesn't help at all. Especially since she isn't exactly wrong, Sylphie and I are acting like middle-schoolers in love. Well, technically, we are both just this age, but my behavior and the overall pace of this relationship are unexpected, even to me. I guess I'm picking up her mood and maybe some habits along the way. But I'm not embarrassed about it. Yeah. Not in the slightest. It's just hot in here, you know!
"You'll have to keep missing it, I'm afraid. Maybe not watching will help with that." I retorted dryly.
"If only it was so easy to miss. It takes looks alone for the air to thicken. And don't let me start on the times when you start pining when everyone is around." Chuckling at my reaction, the woman continues. "It's okay, you know. Completely natural. You don't need to be all cagey and embarrassed about it." I know. But I can't do anything with it, okay? Different ages, different cultures, and all that.
"You don't need to tease me every single time, either."
"Of course I don't. But the woman has to get her amusement from somewhere. Your reactions are great for that. And I know you don't actually take offense or feel hurt by it." I understand her point, and if it was someone else, I could even join in. But others having fun at my expense is not my favorite thing, you know.
"Still, it's not like I'm the only one who suddenly got a lot happier. I seem to remember a certain young acquaintance of ours looking with stars in her eyes at someone."
I decided to throw someone else under the bus, and I know just the right person for it. Sorry. Better you than me.
Suzanne looks at me appraisingly, as if weighing the pros and cons of the unspoken offer of cease-fire. Sara, on the other hand, instantly gets an embarrassed flush at the notion and sends me a betrayed look.
Several days ago, she finally mastered the courage and resolve to offer an actual apology to princess Ariel, and a sincere enough at that. Other than the apology itself, the timing was a little surprising as well, since most of the enmity was long gone and no one would speak a word about it unless provoked. The princess, of course, graciously accepted it with a benevolent smile, expressing her regret over the girl's unfortunate past experiences with nobility and offering her condolences. She even made a point to lament the decadent state of nobility in the Kingdom of Asura and express her determination to change that. Turns out, oh wonder, that nobles can be quite pleasant people, too. And admirable, if the looks I noticed later on were any indication of that.
A person with a more trained eye and a cynical mind might even assume that a certain princess became interested in extending her charm and influence over another person, gently getting her claws into her. Good grief, what a sinful woman. Once I noticed that, even the fact of apology happening became a little more suspicious, and under a closer scrutiny later on a little unnecessary public remark here or a conversation there stood out a bit. Clearly, Ariel took an interest in the unusual skillset of Sara, the archer girl.
Archery as a combat practice is generally held in low regard in this world. While it's cheap and accessible enough for the commoners, it lacks the speed and versatility of swordsmanship, which could be enhanced with Battle Spirit techniques or the raw firepower of Attack Magic. However, the sheer raw talent of this girl, combined with the unusual and, in a way, even uncharted or forgotten benefits of archery, clearly made the princess think that recruiting this person was worthwhile. I can imagine some possible benefits of archery in combat, or perhaps in less open ways of violent conflict, off the top of my head. The speed and agility of a good archer can give them an edge over most of the common mages in combat, and it does allow more possibilities for stealth, if there is any truth in the RPGs. And there is no telling what can be done if you get creative with a suitable magic item or magic tool, a weapon, poison or enchanted arrows.
Anyway, I'm running a little ahead of myself here; there is still a lot of wordplay to be done. Good luck with that, boss!
"I don't look like that! It's not like I'm even particularly happy about it! I just have a more open outlook on some people now, that's all!" Sara's denial seals the deal, as Suzanne, after a second of consideration, changes the target of her teasing.
"Right. And you keep sending those looks towards the princess just because you've seen her in a new light." Suzanne skeptically notes.
"Of course! What else could it be?" Sara happily takes the excuse, walking herself into a trap.
"I wonder what kind of new light has you looking at her like this. Last time I have seen you so excited, you were spending time with that Water God-style saint woman. You sure enjoyed it quite a bit, if my memory serves me right." I haven't heard this one yet, so I tentatively ask for details, happy to keep the target of the conversation away from me.
That backfires instantly.
"Having an interest in another woman? Wouldn't your little girlfriend get jealous?" I can't help but groan.
"And please let the princess know we are going to need to double the scouting. The monsters are waking from their winter slumber all around. And then there is that rumor about the stray dragon, no matter how unlikely it is." Timothy just came back from the nearby village where he was doing information gathering and is now telling me of his findings. He isn't wrong. Monsters here might not be as strong as on the Demon Continent or on the Begaritt, as rumored, but they are nothing to scoff at, especially if there are flocks of them. That stray dragon rumor is particularly scary. Most likely, this is just an exaggerated rumor about some Snow Drakes or something similar. But if we are really unlucky, there is a Red Dragon roaming around. This particular species of dragon is the strongest one in the Central Continent, and several of them descend from the mountains of the same name to the Northern territories every year. I, for one, am not looking forward to having a run-in with one of them; from what I've heard, it takes a big raid party of S-rank adventurers to exterminate them.
However, other than the perspective of meeting the fearsome beast, there is something else that is bothering me in this situation.
"I get it; I'll do what I can. But, for the record, you guys were specifically hired to provide security, so it should be you who speak with her highness about that." I couldn't help but point that out to the leader of the adventurers.
"It's true, but you were hired to provide her security too. And they are going to take your words more seriously." Timothy doesn't bulge and patiently explains this particular point once again, his tone is like he is speaking to a petulant child. That doesn't make it more convincing, but I honestly don't feel like arguing about it again.
Somehow, I, of all people, naturally became a mediator and connecting link between the noble and adventurer parts of the group. When the proceedings were inefficient and logistics or operational planning was struggling, it was up to me to explain and sometimes even determine what the matter was, since Ariel, for all her people skills, was by no means an experienced adventurer. When adventurers wanted something, it was up to me to convey it to Ariel or the other nobles so that they didn't accidentally offend their employer. When Ariel herself wanted to manipulate them to whatever end, a solid part of it was entrusted to me. When conflicts started, it was I who worked out the compromise more often than not. In hindsight, me taking on the role was a logical development since I was both noble and close to Ariel, but at the same time mundane enough for the adventurers, with whom I previously spent weeks on the road. But really, did you people see my communication skills? Somehow, I have managed this particular burden for weeks now, every single time pointing out that someone else should do that. Suzanne would normally smirk at my complaints and tell me to live strong; Timothy would offer a polite, mildly apologetic smile; and Ariel would insist that I was, in fact, the best-suited person for the task. And nothing changed.
Thankfully, there were no more scenes between Sara, or any other adventurers, for that matter, and nobles like in the first day. Sara gradually mellowed enough to not be passive-aggressive in their presence, and even be amiable, albeit a little reserved and uncharacteristically timid, in the presence of Ariel.
Luke answered in kind, stopping being offended by her because of her attitude. Unfortunately, this particular circumstance has an unexpected side effect.
"Come on, I know you are interested."
"Not really."
"But you told me yourself you wanted to look around!"
"That doesn't mean I want to do it with you."
Sigh. Yes, it turns out Luke didn't betray my first impressions at all. That guy was a professional playboy, and now he was determined to not let his skills rust. The poor fellow had no one else to flirt with. He couldn't do much with Ariel, she was his master, after all, not to mention they had known each other for half of their lives. Cleane Elrond and Ellemoi Bluewold have also known him for years, so by now they would just roll their eyes at his antics. He wasn't interested in flirting with Sylphie, and, thankfully, Sylphie wasn't interested in him in the slightest. At the thought, a memory of a particular evening some week ago flashed through my mind, causing my lips to twitch upwards. Suzanne wasn't interested in the slightest, either, and was a solid ten to fifteen years older to boot. That's why it was Sara who had to endure a gradually increasing amount of his flirting. Right now, he is trying to extract a promise of a date from her when we arrive at the Magical City of Sharia.
"But how will you know what's best around here, then?"
"I'll just look on the opposite side from where you are."
"Why are you so cold? My lady, you wound me!"
"I'll leave you to healing your wounds, then."
"It will be just a single day! You don't lose anything by going with me."
"That's one day too many in your company. And it will be all wasted."
The change of tactics is sudden. I almost expected another passionate line. Or maybe fast talk. What I didn't expect was a sullen expression on Luke's handsome face.
"I see. It will be so sad and lonely, but I'll have to get over it. It looks like I'm still not good enough. I apologize for bothering you."
Sara looks genuinely taken aback with the development. Luke stays silent, and her expression gradually changes. I can see her brows furrow in hesitation. And then it happens.
"We'll see. Maybe there will be a few hours to waste for me once we arrive."
I just stare at the development, a memory from my childhood resurfacing. Women love our weaknesses, not just our strengths, Paul said. Despite being useful enough at the time, I didn't take the advice to heart. If anything, I was skeptical, since this tactic is way too obvious, almost corny in a way. Ironically, it has proven itself most effective just before me. Maybe it works just for the Greyrats?
The really fascinating thing in all is that I'm not even sure how serious Luke is. I doubt he is madly in love or something, but it does seem like he genuinely wants a date. But for all I know he might just be playing around, or that could be a weird scheme of sorts. I'll have to wait and see, I suppose. Never thought he would like strong girls. And he shouldn't even know what's good in a tsundere type all that well! I doubt too many of the noble girls in the palace would tell him to fuck off so bluntly and consistently. Or would they? Could it be that he is just attracted to the genuine emotion? I wonder. Might as well ask him about that next time we will share the night watch.
Exhausted, I let myself fall headfirst into the pillow, only to catch myself just in time and land on my extended hands and slide down on the floor instead. Loudly sighing, I sit up by the side of the bed. What a day. Between clearing the snow and the flooded brooks I had to bridge on the way, I was already bound to be a little tired. And the run-in with a pack of Luster Grizzlies didn't help in the slightest.
Close to the sunset, I was working on bridging yet another water stream. A meter-thick layer of winter snow and ice was melting all around, making quite a bit of new brooks and making the rivers all around flood.
As I was making a crossing with earth magic, a strange, vague rumbling that shook the ground underneath became a lot more prominent. Its source was approaching rapidly. Most of the combatants noticed it as well, taking up their arms in alarm and preparing to face whatever was coming at us. In a matter of minutes, a whole pack of brown bears came running down the stream. I've encountered bear-type monsters before and was able to identify those as Luster Grizzlies. A little smaller than a grown brown bear but about as strong. There had to be at least forty of them, and their appearance caught us by surprise in a way. While those monsters were considered dangerous predators and at least B-ranked monsters, they acted atypically, at the very least. They were bears, and they didn't usually hunt in packs. Secondly, they weren't known for mass migration. Besides, we were literally on the main road, not in the depths of the taiga, where their nests are normally located.
Monsters were running straight at the party. With no choice whatsoever, I resolved to eliminate them with magic. Quagmire to slow down the movement of the pack, followed by Exodus Flame. The enraged bellowing of dozens of animals was thunderous.
While it slowed down and its momentum stopped, the pack couldn't have been completely annihilated yet. A handful of monsters got around the wide-area spells. Some were running around, caught on fire but still dangerous, trying to get into the water. A couple of them got through my initial attack relatively unharmed, covered by the bodies of the ones in front of them. One particular creature crept close enough to me, only to be sliced in half with a Wind Slice, its blood splashing all over my robe.
At the end of the day, there weren't any casualties, but the encounter itself was by no means a pleasant experience, and the burned corpses of the monsters had to be removed out of the way, slowing the journey further. And the whole fact of this happening — the irregularity of encountering numerous strong monsters on the main road, relatively close to a populated area — alarmed everyone.
Even more concerning was the new information. Apparently, there really is a dragon in the area, with several unrelated eyewitnesses and even a quest to solidly confirm its whereabouts at the Adventurers' Guild. At least it gives some context and a possible explanation for the incident with the bears, but that doesn't make it much better. I don't want to encounter any strong monsters at all, let alone a Red Dragon. At this thought, a memory of Eris excitedly chattering about the fighting Red Dragons comes to mind. Surprisingly, it barely stings, with more nostalgic sadness than the dull heartache of longing fruitlessly, but I forcibly cast it away nonetheless. It's in the past, and it doesn't concern me anymore.
Reluctantly, I get up to remove the not-grey-anymore robe. Dried grime, soot, and monsters' blood were all over the thing. I frown at the state. This thing is in dire need of washing. Thankfully, I caught myself just in time to still have a comfortable, mostly clean bed. I should hurry up and remove it sooner; maybe I still have a chance to have someone on the staff do the laundry for me. We are staying in an upper-class inn today in the town of Avesta, the fourth largest in the Ranoa Kingdom. And that means a soft bed, a hot meal, and a warm room. True bliss.
As I'm taking care of my things, my shirt half-open and the robe cast away, I hear a knock on my door. It must be Sylphie. She still seeks my company if possible, and I can't help but smile at the warm feeling blooming in my insides.
If I'm being completely honest, I'm also a little worried about it. Is she alright? I told her several times, making the point that I do enjoy her being with me and that she doesn't have to, but that had no effect at all. If anything, she got a little clingier over time. I don't mind it in principle; if anything, it's pleasant, but there are some things about it that bother me in our situation.
Could it be that she is still worried about leaving me alone? I won't lie; I probably would be a lot more anxious if she wasn't around so often. But I don't want my messed-up state to be her burden. She has done a lot to help me. If not for her, I would still be depressed, moping, and forcing myself to make that fake smile. But I feel like I should come to terms with what happened on my own. It's in the past, and I feel like I'm doing a good job of moving on.
But, my mental issues aside, there is more to my worries.
We spend most of our days side by side, so I can't help but keep watching her. How could I not, especially if it is such a delight most of the time? She is a sight for sore eyes, if you know what to look at. Despite her disguise as Silent Fitts, there is quite a bit of her reaction, body language, and expressions to watch and enjoy. They are mostly cute, of course, and downright adorable when they are happy ones, especially when the sunglasses are down and her big red eyes are on display. Her eyes and nimble elven ears were rather expressive. She never had a need to learn to hide the emotions showing in her eyes because of the sunglasses, and the ears moving at strong emotions was an inborn trait of hers, more like an instinct than a conscious reaction.
Because I kept looking my cute… No, this cute girl, I couldn't help but notice an unhappy expression here and there. Of course, feeling negative emotions sometimes is natural. But not like this, with no apparent reason. As I caught wistfulness in her eyes or a lost, pained, or, particularly often, guilty and self-deprecating look, I couldn't help but worry. Is it something I did? I feel like I have a guess on that front. Or is she unhappy about something else? It doesn't really matter; if it's the former, I'll just fix that and apologize; if it's the latter, the same, maybe with someone else apologizing. She pulled me out of the depths of depression and made me so happy that I feel like crying sometimes. No matter what, if it's in my power, I must make her happy. I want to.
Back in the present, I hurry up, open the door, and come face-to-face with a certain white-haired girl.
"Sylphie!" I smiled at her softly and let her in; no explanations were needed. She shyly smiles at me, her gaze flicking down. As I get back into the room, I suddenly hear an alarmed yelp and notice she didn't follow. She didn't move an inch, instead just standing there and looking at me with a dazed look, like a rabbit caught in the headlights. She is blushing, her cheeks vibrant red, her mouth half open, as if she started saying something but discarded the attempt. What an unusual reaction. What is it? Did I do something to warrant that reaction? It can't be my state of undress, can it? It's just the unbuttoned shirt; surely Sylphie has seen guys like that. I believe she saw me like that when she healed me.
"Sylphie?" No reaction. I get back closer, a little anxious now. "Sylphiette? What is it?" She finally snaps out of it, comes in, and shyly mumbles something.
"Sorry? I didn't quite catch it."
"It's nothing."
"Right. If you say so." I let it drop for now. I know better than to be too assertive. If it's important, I'll figure it out on my own or get her to talk about it later. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the sight of shy, embarrassed Sylphie. Sometimes I would gently flirt and tease her, not going over the board, of course, just barely touching sensitive topics, just to get that very sight. That's one of the things to which I'm firmly addicted by now.
I keep noticing shy glances out of the corner of my eye throughout the whole evening as I'm going through my things, careful not to expose the Holy Relic, and we chat about this and that. At some point, instead of going along with it, I met her eyes with an encouraging, trusting smile.
"Sylphie, you know you can tell me if something is bothering you, right?"
"It's okay."
"If you say so. But please tell me if there is anything wrong. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me."
"That's not it; it's just…" Sylphie is alarmed at the notion, and that gets her to speak. She is still hesitating, so I encourage her with a hum and an earnest look. My patience paid off, it seems. "It's your pendant. I didn't think you had it." Huh? Does she know something about it? She looks embarrassed about it.
"What about it? It's a present from someone; I've…" Oh. I take it in one hand. Hand-made, albeit rather clumsily. Carved from wood, with a small green gem in the center of it, it has a leaf-like form. Now that I think about it, it has a Wood Elf kind of aesthetic. Oh. I didn't realize it at all.
"So, was it made by Sylphie? Lilia never told me." It is a little embarrassing, and I feel stupid for not realizing it sooner. But the warm feeling in my chest gets bigger and spreads at the thought, and I feel my cheeks get warmer. Sylphie made it herself as a present for me. The timing is right. It's probably some sort of charm or tradition. I gently trace the carved lines with my fingers and take a second look at the gem and a small freshwater pearl in the middle. Previously, it was just a nice, neat little trinket to me, but now I suddenly find myself liking it a lot more. I can feel the intent behind it now. It was made with love for me. To think there was something like this with me all along...
"R-right. I asked Lilia to deliver it before the disaster happened. It's a good-luck charm; my father taught me how to do it. I'm sorry it's so crude. I tried my best, but it was hard and…" Her explanation is rapid and a little flustered, and I can't possibly get it all if she continues like that. She is probably self-conscious about it.
"I like it very much."
"Huh? Really?" She suddenly looks up with a hopeful expression, her eyes shining.
"Really. Sylphie made it with love for me, right? That's what really counts." I smile reassuringly in turn to a soft smile on her lips.
"R-right."
"Thank you, Sylphie. It was a great present. And it is a great good-luck charm, for your information." It's true. I've been through at least two near-death experiences ever since I received it from Lilia. And I survived both by some miracle. That's got to count for something, right?
"Is that so? I'm glad." Sylphie scratches her ear, a little embarrassed at my continuous praise. I don't feel like stopping. But there is another urge that is even stronger.
"It is. It helped me to reunite with you, after all." That's just corny, but the effect is immense. She is blushing to the tips of her ears. What a beautiful sight.
"Sylphie... Can I kiss you?"
"S-sure." This time, I've had the presence of mind to ask. If anything, her go-ahead somehow made it better. I know she wants it, too. What a great feeling.
I get closer to her on the bed. She doesn't back away and only sits there, waiting for me, with her eyes shut. I lean over her, tenderly cupping her face with my hands, and pull myself closer, letting our lips touch. Hers are so soft, and she makes delicious muffled noises, melting into a kiss. I gently poked at her with my tongue, only to get a subdued gasp. And then she lets me in as I pry her lips apart and extend my tongue to explore. It's sweet and warm, and I feel myself getting hotter.
As we part reluctantly, she is panting heavily, her eyes clouded. I am in dire need of catching my breath, too. And I feel more content than I've felt for months. And at the same time, less. I feel like it wasn't enough, so I push forward again. Taken aback, she falls on her back into the pillow, and I follow.
I feel excited down there, too, but I apply my self-restraint to not get too close to let it touch her. I am acutely aware she is thirteen, and while getting into more… intimate stuff between us wouldn't be frowned upon by anyone in this world, I'm not about to do the deed. For now. Sylphie would probably accept it if I pushed hard for it. But virginity isn't looming over me anymore, and I know better than to push for intimacy now. I'm in no rush. I'd rather have no sex at all than risk her leaving me. Not to mention, I'm not all that confident in myself now. In fact, I'm not confident at all.
Even more importantly, I want better for her. I want Sylphie to want me, and I'm not sure if she is ready for it in a sexual sense. Sure, she probably knows how babies are made by now, but knowing about sex and wanting it are entirely different things. Sylphie is still so innocent as to blush at holding hands. And while I eventually want to take her innocence, I feel the urge to preserve it as it is now and enjoy it while it lasts. I wish to give her the first time that she deserves, treating her with the utmost care and dignity, not just as a partner and an object of my sexual attraction, but as the most important and dearest person to me that she is.
That's why, after I run out of breath, with a last lick, I let go and pull back, leaning on the wall, giving Sylphie some space. We fall into comfortable silence as she comes back to her senses and I try to calm down a little. It's not an easy task, with her breathing heavily and spread over my bed just centimeters away. But I'll endure.
"Ru…dy" She is still a little out of breath, it seems, as she tries to chase me with her voice and fails to, her voice breaking into whispering at the second part of my name. Instead, after a few moments of trying to catch my breath, I turned back to her with an adoring smile. And then my heart sinks. Just warped remnants of the smile remain, frozen on my face.
An unhappy expression is now on her face. Her thin lips are curved down and tightly pressed together. Noticing my look, she lowers her gaze, refusing to meet my eyes, looking even more dejected and guilty, and a little panicked, beads of tears glistening at the corners of her eyes.
"Syl… phie?" I mutter hesitatingly. I feel my heartbeat stutter, and all of the lingering warmth from the kisses has vanished, with only empty cold remaining. My lower parts are lifeless again; all of my previous excitement is gone without a trace, as if I was just drenched in freezing cold water.
What is happening? I don't understand. Is it me? Was it the kissing or my excitement that she hated? "Maybe it has nothing to do with you; it's whatever was bothering her", the hopeful part of me weakly reasons. "Who said it isn't you who is bothering her?" The bigger part retorts, and I feel my mind short circuit at the thought, but I can't find any way to get out of it. Not a single thought to refute the life-shattering possibility takes root, as my mind keeps going back to the state of numb panic, refusing to see reason. It makes sense. Of course, she would hate it. Come to think of it, she never initiated it herself. That's why. She never felt the same way; it was all just my wishful thinking. I'm just a bother she puts up with out of kindness. Or worse, pity. I feel my heart shaking, followed by the rest of my body. There isn't enough air around there, but my breaths are short, and I feel dizzy.
"Rudy! Are you okay?" An edge of panic is in her voice now as Sylphie notices my state and gets closer. I don't react; I can't say a thing at all. I feel like I'm suffocating, and no matter how deep and quick I breathe, it's not getting better. I shiver at the touch of her hand on my wrist and then my back, but I don't back away from it. "Shhh, it's alright, I'm here. Breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out." Her warm palm is pressing against me, and I involuntarily lean into the touch. I know she just takes pity on me, but I can't bring myself to care. Just don't leave me, please.
"I'm not going anywhere. In, and out. I'm here with you. In, and out." Inhale. Exhale. "Good boy. You are doing so good, Rudy."
Yes. I'll be good for you. Please stay with me. Following her gentle tone and caring touch, I'm trying to breathe. Eventually, as I keep following her commands, my breathing slowly comes to a more or less normal pace as she continues whispering reassuring nothings to me. I feel tears prickle at my eyes, but I do my best to hold them back. The senses come back to me. Finally, I mustered my courage to say something.
"Sylphie, do you hate me?" I ask quietly, in a small tone.
"Of course not!" She heatedly denies.
"Then did you hate it? Kissing, and…" I didn't elaborate. I can't. What if it makes her hate me more?
"No! I loved it."
"Why?" She pauses for a moment, and I feel like my heart clenches again. Of course, it was just a lie to make me feel better...
"I love being so close to Rudy, and I love to feel you so close to me. I love how sweet and considerate you are when we are kissing; it makes me feel so loved by Rudy. I love how Rudy makes me feel — so hot and excited, and I can't help but want more. I love how…" She spoke quietly at first, as if embarrassed, but got more confident with every word. It doesn't seem like a lie, and before I realize it, hope bursts into my mind, turning the tables, as my heart pounding again. I overreacted. I feel so stupid about it… But, no matter how hard I try to make sense out of it with a mess of my mind, I still can't seem to grasp the reason for it all.
"Then… Why did you look so unhappy? Was it something I did? Please tell me. I just don't understand…"
She gasps in alarm, and her beautiful features turn into that unhappy, guilty look once again. I hate this look. I hate it so much now. It doesn't belong on her face. And just at the thought, something changes.
"I could never hate you, Rudy. I love you! I love you so much!" I look into her eyes, and she meets my gaze. The determination, the love so intense I almost flinched, startled, conveyed with the desperation I've never seen from her before. I might not understand. But I trust her. I can't help but trust that look in her eyes. Once again, I'm reminded that I'm loved, no matter what delusion I corner myself into. The hesitating, unbelieving part of me is silenced and vanished without a trace. Only hope, relief, and love, so much love remain. But I haven't let it all out just yet, despite those overwhelming feelings of mine. Sylphie isn't done, and I'm determined to hear her out. So that I finally know what's wrong, and so that I don't ever doubt her love again.
"I'm not unhappy with Rudy at all; I'm so sorry I made you think so… Rudy is wonderful, it's me that I'm unhappy with… After what you said… I was so scared…" What did I say? I urgently sweep through my recent memories, and then it clicks. My guess was right all along. It's the Eris talk, isn't it? It's my fault, so I'd better hurry up and fix it.
"It's okay. I'm here with you. I won't leave you." I take her hand in mine, reassuring her but forcing myself to stay back, giving her space just in case.
"I know, b-but… I know this almost happened. I didn't mean to confess like this, you know? Crying and sobbing, and so suddenly… I thought you would turn me down. I understand; you didn't see me for so long. And Rudy is cool, and strong, and kind, so I've always expected you to attract more girls… So… I was so relieved when I heard there was nothing between Rudy and Eris anymore. I felt happy about Rudy being in pain… I feel so bad about it. Rudy was so miserable, and I was glad about it. I'm a terrible person… Even now, a small part of me is happy because Rudy needs me and because you were scared that I would hate you. I feel like I'm not worthy of you." I understand now, and a pang of guilt stabs me. How could I be so blind and careless?
"Please, look at me." At some point in her monologue, she lowered her eyes, but Sylphie complied, and our eyes locked again. There are tears veiling her bright, beautiful eyes. The hue of red, amber red, warm as the sun but with tinges of crimson, is so enticing. It's the color I've come to associate with love. I want to see it clearly. "That's not true at all. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong! You are so cool, and you are so cute and pretty, so adorable that I wouldn't be surprised if someone was interested in you. And I would feel terrible if that were the case." I mean it. If the roles were reversed, and I was head over heels for Sylphie, who would have a breakup with some lover, I know for a fact I would be glad about it.
"When we reunited and you told me you liked me, it was a surprise for me too. Before, I thought things like 'I should find Sylphie' or 'I miss Sylphie', and I wondered where you were now and how you were doing. Even then, when Sylphie wasn't in my life, I still couldn't help but think of you. And then, when I woke up after nearly dying and connected a cool, dependable person who saved me with a cute girl crying on my chest; when I met you again after not seeing you for so long, I finally understood why I kept thinking of you. What all those feelings that compelled me to keep thinking of you were. I just didn't realize it before. And then I told you about Eris and what happened. I didn't mean to tell you about her, you know. And when I couldn't hold my tongue, I almost expected you to leave me. But you didn't. Instead, you comforted me. Forgave me. And you reassured me about what these feelings are even more.
I'm so sorry I ever doubted them. I honestly feel so stupid for ever doubting your love for me, and for overreacting like this just now. But that's why I know for sure. It's okay to be imperfect. It's fine to have these feelings: to be jealous. and scared, and sometimes angry, because it's a part of loving someone. That's why, please, don't feel bad about it; please don't cry. Don't think you are terrible, because that's not true at all. Sylphie, you are so wonderful, so perfect, and you mean so much to me. That's why... "
That's it. I've finally gotten to this point. I finally realized. I'm almost surprised at how long it took me to realize it, admit it to myself, and then speak it out loud. But I knew all about these symptoms all along. There is no mistake.
A deep breath. Inhale. Exhale.
"I'm in love with you." I mean every word of it. I know it's hasty, and in the heat of this moment. I also know I'm clumsy with feelings, and despite what Sylphie, or anyone for that matter, says, I know I'm a worthless person. But more importantly, I know that no matter what, I won't back down from these feelings.
Sylphie just sits there, astonished, wordlessly gaping at me. She is deep crimson in color, and her ears twitch in excitement. Her eyes are shining, and I can see the beautiful hue of them clearly once again. Finally, her mouth closes, and a smile blossoms on her lips. This is the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, shy and dainty, but so elated, so dazzling. I take in the smile, unable to look away. I would do anything for this smile.
"I'm in love with you. I love you so much. I'm so glad that Sylphie doesn't hate me; that you love me, and I'm so sorry I made Sylphie worry about what's my fault… I…" I finally let everything out. But the words don't feel like enough, as I struggle to find the right ones to convey everything. And then, as I open my mouth to try once again, Sylphie suddenly gets closer and kisses me.
That's better than a thousand words. I kiss back, heatedly, passionately, but still as tenderly as I can manage, just like she loves it.
Just one kiss is not enough, and I have no idea how much time we spent kissing and cuddling, whispering words of love and devotion, comforting each other, and celebrating our love until we were both too exhausted to go on. I feel like even that much wasn't enough, as the fiery emotions are still in a state of turmoil, stirring and bubbling inside me. I don't think I could convey everything I feel in just one night. I doubt I even registered everything by now, as some of the less prominent emotions and impressions of the night, outshone by the supernova of love, keep emerging. But that's a start. I'm in no rush. Now that I've figured it out; now that I know that Sylphie loves me just as much, I know that I have my whole lifetime to convey it and make her feel my love. And I intend to do just that, as best as I can.
Notes:
*Me on discord: I just want Rudeus to be happy
Also me: Ruining a sweet moment with a panic attack*
Thank you for reading. Any feedback, including but not limited to negative, is always appreciated.
Speaking of the chapter, it's a a long and dramatic one for today. I've been writing and re-writing the scenes in the third segment of the chapter since forever, and while they still aren't perfect, I don't feel I can make them any better anymore. I hope emotional rollercoaster doesn't feel unnatural, at the very least. I'm planning on having some extra insights on it in the next chapter.