[Varali POV]
She walked with her head down, her focus entirely on staying out of notice. Nobody had said anything that wasn't supportive since the High Colonel di'Thnufir had thrashed Leiyalt for her, but she felt like all the problems the Fort was facing was her fault. The supportive words and looks she was always getting made her want to puke. The invitations to every meal made her want to cry. The Soulspeakers' willingness to heal her made her want to scream. If she'd just had a stronger mind, then he wouldn't have been able to twist her so easily. If she wasn't so stupid, then Fen wouldn't have suffered the way she was still suffering. If she wasn't so damned weak, then none of this would have happened.
The new High Colonel, Behnal Alniyh, wasn't nearly as insufferable as his grandfather. At least, that's what everyone else said. Whenever Varali saw him, she averted her eyes and fought to get as far away as possible. When he'd first appeared, with nobody else to keep him in line, Varali'd been stuck in her room, curled up in the corner, waiting to be hauled before and having her mind twisted until it suited his fancy. Lisandra had saved Varali's life at that time. She didn't insist on Varali leaving, but she brought three meals a day into Varali's shared quarters and sat with the traumatized teen.
Having someone there who wouldn't leave until she'd eaten helped Varali to overcome the twisting, ravening keelish in her stomach and eat. It felt like torture, but maybe she deserved it. She'd mistreated the—no, she'd abused her truest friend. She'd done to Fen what Leiyalt had done to her. She deserved to feel the same misery of her parents' murder all day, every day. How dare she have spent months happy? When she'd washed Fen's sense of self away bit by bit?
High Colonel Mualtir di'Thnufir, or just Mualtir now, forced Varali to get out of the worst of that cycle of self-hatred. The same day she'd returned from getting the verdict, she'd searched for Varali. At least, that's what everyone said. All that Varali had seen that day was her door flying open and a Mualtir di'Thnufir with windswept hair thundering in. She seemed to fill the doorframe, and Varali was ready to be torn into by the negatively affected woman. A career soldier, and she'd had her rank stripped, just because Varali was weak. She buried her head between her knees.
"I'm sorry. I cost you… everything. I'm sorry. It's all my fault." Varali mumbled, not even concerned about Mualtir being able to hear her words. The older woman's response made Varali's stomach drop as she looked up at her.
"You're miserable, right? Feel like you've failed everyone."
Varali could only nod around the knot in her throat.
"That's not it." Mualtir shook her head. Then, rubbing at her knee, she grunted and, more than sitting, she fell to the ground in a sitting position. With a firm, calloused hand, Mualtir tousled Varali's hair. Her face, tanned to a deep mahogany from years spent on patrol, seemed to crack. "We failed you. Every damned person in the Veratocracy. Honestly, I wish you were angry. You deserve to be angry. Your parents were killed by monsters that shouldn't have been in our lands. The soldiers, patrols, and merchants failed you there. Then, searching for help, you were forced to wander over 100 miles to find any support. The villages and, again, soldiers failed you there.
"The worst part is this. You were failed by the High Speakers that accompanied you to kill the keelish. They didn't kill them all, they took too long to find them, and they did nothing while that worthless excuse of a human attacked your mind and your bond. It's their duty to report to you." Mualtir's teeth ground in her mouth as she said it. "How dare they. I'm especially pissed at Tariel. He's always hated the Alniyhs, and he let that happen? An absolute disgrace. They failed you, and I failed you. I should have trained them better, I should have sent more to kill the keelish, I should have taken it more seriously. I'm sorry, Varali. I was wrong."
Mualtir turned with a grunt of pain to kneel before Varali. Then, as soon as she knew Varali was watching, she bowed stiffly to the ground, her knee audibly creaking.
"I'm sorry Varali. I failed you. Please, let me make recompense as well as I can. If there's anything I can do for you, let me know what it is."
Varali felt the tears coating her cheeks. The sense of self-hatred was still there, but it was melting with the fierce warmth of the genuine apology Mualtir gave.
"Please stand up." Varali said as she offered a hand. The older woman gratefully took it, a surprising amount of force carrying into her hand as she pulled herself up.
"Thank you, Varali." Mualtir said as she rubbed at her knee again. "Now, is there anything I can do for you right now?"
"No, ma'am." Varali replied.
"I'm not a ma'am now." Mualtir said with an apparently genuine smile. "I'm happily not in charge, and I don't want anyone to try to get me in there. Being a mere advisor to make sure that that lackwit bastard's spawn doesn't manage to muck up our Fort's good name is more than enough for me."
"I… Ok." Varali nodded. Then, with the genuine apology still in her mind, she looked Mualtir in the face and said, "I need to go. There's something I need to do."
"You don't need my permission." Mualtir shook her hand. "Go!"
Varali just nodded and darted through the door. A couple people were in the hall, evidently waiting to speak with Mualtir. They smiled softly at her, and the pity that had made her want to puke earlier that day wasn't nearly so overwhelming now. She nodded back, but continued on her journey. There was someone she needed to see and apologize to in person. She'd made weak attempts to do so in the past, but now, Varali would make a true attempt at making things right.
The path to the stables was one she knew intimately. Where to turn, when to take steps down. When she arrived at the stable where Fen was currently resting, Varali's courage died and her heart broke.
Laying in a fresh bed of hay that Varali hadn't placed, in a stall that Varali hadn't cleaned, and eating from a trough that Varali hadn't filled, was Fen. The total disregard that she'd shown the poor deer washed over her in a wave of shame and self-hatred. She nearly abandoned her efforts right then. After all, how could any apology or plea for forgiveness be anything short of disrespectful?
Instead of letting herself get lost in that cycle again, Varali cleared her throat and stepped forward. Fen had already noticed her before that, but she did look at Varali as she walked in. Varali looked at her Bound—no, her Soulbound Companion. Fen had grown, nearly five feet tall at the shoulder. Her antlers spread in a beautiful rack of ten points, and her scales, most the size of Varali's palm, had been recently cleaned to a shine. Fen's eyes, though, were unfocused, and she didn't say anything through their bond.
"Fen." Varali said both aloud and through their bond. "I'm sorry. I don't have any excuse. I failed you, I hurt you, and I was wrong."
There was no response. The tight feeling in Varali's chest made her feel like she couldn't breathe. She pushed through it, breathing shallowly. Then, she stepped forward with her hand outstretched. Fen nuzzled into it, appearing to be a regular, unintelligent deer as far as Varali could tell. There was a single moment's thought, then Varali Spoke. Though she drew on Soulspeaking, it was something different. Different from everything she'd ever done before. She wasn't imposing her will in any way. Instead, it was a desperate plea, a cry from her soul begging for forgiveness and healing.
Varali quickly found herself exhausted and unable to do anything more. Even so, she pushed, hoping for anything. Something inside her snapped, and she said something unprompted.
"I am a guardian, and I will protect, no matter how many times I've failed to do so before."
Her magic surged inside of her as she Spoke Words so different from any she'd ever heard of. The quality of her Soulspeaking changed, and Varali saw a light return to Fen's eyes.
Varali?
Even though the tone was cautious, and maybe accusatory, Varali wept as she heard Fen's voice for the first time in months.