But she couldn't tell him that she couldn't be herself.
Because the "her" standing before him was itself a fake. A fake past, a fake person; she was merely living on behalf of a poor girl who had already died.
How could she be herself? Should she directly tell him that she is actually Heather, someone who has grown up in the Dark Organisation?
She recalled later when she genuinely stopped trying so hard, when she really stayed by his side as Xiao Man.
The first time she received flowers from him, the first time he kissed her, the first time they made love during an outpour of emotion…
Not for a mission, not for anything else, but simply because she wanted to.
Xiao Man had always felt herself to be greedy; after obtaining all this, she couldn't bear to let go. Until later she realized that she had no way out—she couldn't return to the organization, nor could she leave Li Sinian's side.
