Wanting It All, but It's Never Enough
'Two weeks gone, two weeks left.'
Those words kept repeating in Joshua's mind from the moment he woke up. Hell, they'd haunted him since the moment he went to sleep the previous night, barely letting him rest. His eyelids felt heavy, but they had nothing on the weight he felt on his shoulders. He went through the motions all the same though, his mind half on it and half on the realization that half his time was gone already.
Cooking breakfast gave him something to do at the unreasonably early hour he'd woken up at and being busy helped him calm down the smallest bit. He was pretty sure that was why Yasaka hadn't kept him in bed and tried to get him to sleep some more. He didn't believe for a second that she hadn't woken up. He was also sure that she hadn't followed him because she knew he'd just feel guilty and he needed a bit to get himself together.
She probably was going to join in soon, he'd bet.
'Two weeks gone, two weeks left.'
His hands shook a little, halfway through cooking, but he soldiered through.
He'd made a lot of progress, he tried to tell himself. He'd made so much progress, actually. He was pioneering in something that people thought was beyond miracles. Even more so than the stuff he'd done in the past. He was doing something absolutely insane and at a level of impossibility that left Project Phoenix and even Ascension looking like they were a piece of cake…
But none of that really helped him feel any better.
It didn't matter how great his accomplishments were, none of those meant anything. Ophis wouldn't care that he was doing crazy good, all things considered. She wanted results and she wouldn't give a single fuck about anything else. He doubted she realized the magnitude of… anything, really. She just asked for what she wanted and that was that. It was direct, straightforward…
And crazy, for sure.
Joshua wasn't even sure what he felt. Terrified sounded like a good guess, but he wondered if that encompassed how absolutely desperate he was growing to feel those days. He'd made progress, a lot of it, but none of it felt anywhere near enough. Hell, he felt even further from his goal than when he'd started. He knew the Gap was going to be difficult, but every passing day it felt harder instead of easier.
'I know that I know nothing.'
He didn't think he'd truly understood that quote until those days, if he were honest. Because the more he learned, the more he realized the true scope of the task he'd taken on. The deadline was just the horrible cherry on top of his despair cake, truly. Joshua didn't know what to do with himself anymore.
'Two weeks gone, two weeks left.'
It didn't feel like enough time. Not at all. Not with how his projects were advancing. If he were to have some great breakthrough, maybe, but he couldn't rely on that. It felt even less likely considering the deadline and how he kept pushing. Maybe it didn't make sense, but those things made him feel like it was less likely that he'd just stumble on the answer to everything.
And he didn't trust luck to not fuck him over.
"Everything alright?" he heard and he blinked, realizing that he'd already finished cooking and everything was arranged on the island where they all had breakfast together before everyone went to do their own thing. He wondered how long he'd just been… standing there, his hands resting on the edge of the counter like it'd help him carry the weight on his back more easily. "Someone went all out," Yasaka said and when he looked up he saw her at least pretending to be looking at the feast he'd prepared in his attempts to keep himself occupied.
"You know me," he replied, his attempt at sounding casual much worse than hers, but then again, who would have expected differently? "Always an overachiever," he added, and he could almost hear both his parents snorting at that somewhere back in his old world or the afterlife or both.
Why did he think of them then, he wondered. Maybe it was the less than ideal state of mind, or maybe it was because he'd been looking at the pictures in the family locket with Kunou the previous day. All the same, the moment was tinged with despair more than grief and loss that time and he was not surprised at all. He'd lost one family already, he didn't want to lose another.
Least of all if it happened because he wasn't good enough.
He'd already failed, disappointed one family. He thought he'd been doing well enough with the one he'd found, but maybe that had just been wishful thinking. Maybe he was destined to fall short, even with a System and talent and everything else he'd been given for his second chance.
Why couldn't he ever be good enough?
Joshua had thought he left his failure self behind.
He had been wrong.
"You're in your head," Yasaka said, and he blinked to return back to the present, seeing the youkai woman standing next to him then. She leaned in and gave him a chaste, soft kiss on the lips. More of a caress than anything, or so he felt. "That's not new, but I feel like this is different from the usual," she added, equal parts fond and worried, somehow.
"I'm worried," he admitted, because as much as his partners would let him feel like he could lie to them sometimes, they never did when it was important. And they always knew when it was important, somehow. "Only two weeks left," he said out loud, and that somehow made the entire thing more scary, more real.
He didn't even know if he had as much time as he thought he did. He'd told Ophis a month, but what did Ophis consider a month? 31 days? 30 days? 28 days? Four weeks? How would she count the weeks? Hell, for all he knew, the dragon might just decide to drop by and demand his results at an arbitrary day or a month from some other calendar he might not even know about.
And that was all under the assumption that Ophis even stuck to the deal.
"It'll be fine," Yasaka told him, kissing him again as if that would scare the worries away.
And, more miraculously than anything he'd ever pulled off, it worked.
[}-o-{]
Project Silence: Room.
It was the project that attempted to replicate the Dimensional Gap and one that Joshua hadn't touched in a while, really. Mostly he'd worked on tangential spells related to it, really. Admittedly, that was because he was trying to have all the stuff he might need to know about the voidspace before going for it. He couldn't very well try to make something he didn't know all the details about.
Now though, even if he was still falling short, Joshua needed to start trying to get some stuff done. He didn't know when Ophis could drop and that meant that he had to have something to try and show her if she did, even if he supposedly still had time. Something would be better than nothing and there was a chance that it could be enough, even if he didn't think so himself.
Nothing was very clear about the "job" he'd taken on and that was like half the reason why he was as worried as he was. There was a lot of guessing and assuming involved in the entire thing. If Joshua could manage, he was definitely going to try and get things more clear next time, hopefully with less panic involved.
He was really hoping for that, truth be told.
Back to the matter at hand though…
"Let's get this show on the road," he mumbled under his breath and Georg probably didn't even hear him, but Kokabiel might. The former was there in case they needed help containing things if they went out of control. Like, in case Joshua was too successful in his endeavors. He didn't think that was likely, but he was taking no chances.
The latter was there to test his level of success. He knew that the Gap reacted in a specific way to Kokabiel, after all. Although, he did think that might be Great Red's influence on things. One way or another, it'd give him information to work with to see if the fallen's presence caused anything to happen.
Turning his attention away from the two, he got to work. Spells were cast and arrays were arranged. Slowly, he emptied the room of everything he could. Little by little, he created a void of his own, with nothing in it, no matter, no magic, no nothing. If he could sense it, he'd done his best to erase it from that one room.
There were some stumbles along the way. Some spells didn't interact well together – how one mishap had ended up with the room full of water, he didn't know – and some arrays crumbled on themselves – which meant he had to find another room when the one he'd been trying to work on melted –, which all made for a very frustrating time for Joshua. It was a good thing that he hadn't tried that with a room at Yasaka's place or his place and had gotten some isolated spot instead.
At the end of that day, and several improvised fixes to some of the spells, he had something to show for it. If that something was good, Joshua couldn't have known, but he had something. He'd work on it more as time passed, but there was something to present Ophis if she dropped by and that was… not good enough, but better than nothing.
His mind felt like a mess, but it was a little reassuring to have something, even if it felt like he'd just made a school project with only pieces of cardboard and duct tape for something that'd be 100% of his grade. Not very reassuring at all, but it was better than not having anything to show at all. 'My mind really is a mess,' he thought. Even his analogies were getting weird, he felt.
Or maybe it was just him, he didn't know.
He almost wished Ophis would drop by already, just to get it over with and stop suffering. Almost, but not quite, obviously. If at all possible, he'd rather have the time… but if he was going to fail in the end, maybe he'd take the easy way out instead of torturing himself. Joshua thought like that for all of a few seconds before remembering that it wasn't all bad. He did spend time with his family and friends and all that in between torturous work, after all.
"... Not enough," he thought, looking around when he stepped out of the room, clicking his tongue. It didn't feel anything like the Gap yet. Maybe it was the improvisations or maybe it was because his current void goal wasn't voidy enough or whatever. He'd have to work down both lines of thinking just in case for the next bout of spellcasting for the project. "Step in," he told Kokabiel and the fallen nodded and did just that.
Joshua pretended not to see the way he squared his shoulders the smallest bit or the short breath in he took before crossing the door. It wasn't worth anything to mock the fallen nor was it going to help his admittedly ruined mood those days. He wanted to focus on working and getting things done. He didn't have time to relax unless it was time off with the people he loved.
He needed to give his all, or he'd never forgive himself.
He tilted his head as he considered the information he was getting because of Kokabiel. Then he looked at Georg by his side and nodded to make him go in too. He did so without so much as a thought to question and Joshua appreciated that a lot.
Maybe he'd do something nice for the guy if they were alive after Ophis' visit.
Maybe.
Probably not.
[}-o-{]
Project Silence: Copy.
That was the one he set up after Room and it was… basically the same thing, really. Except, instead of trying to recreate the Gap itself, he was trying to recreate the Gap's effects. So, the room wasn't going to be a void, but it'd be an illusion of the Gap, sort of. Sort of, because he had to actively recreate the erosion and other things, for example, or the entire thing would fall apart.
It was trickier, but it afforded him the chance to not fail miserably because he'd focused too hard on the void or trying to recreate whatever mysterious and elusive element might fill the Gap. He had no idea where to go on the latter front and he couldn't afford to assume that meant the former was the right choice. So, it was nice to have an option that covered both bases… or at least tried to.
So, that's what he tried to do, which turned out to be way trickier than trying to completely empty a room of… well, everything. He already knew that though, of course. He'd come across problems way before that day. The Gap was so hostile that most of the spells he'd tried so far that mimicked it ended up consuming themselves or other spells without any chance of him being able to contain or control them.
The version he'd managed to make work wasn't great. It was like a discount, Dimensional Gap at home, sort of deal. However, it was better than having nothing at all.
Joshua realized that he was thinking that a lot.
He was not happy about it.
It'd have to do. Another option. A terrible one, for sure, but an option all the same and he needed all the options he could possibly get his hands on. Maybe one of them would work, no matter how low the chances. He was that desperate, especially with every day that passed.
He could almost feel time slipping through his fingers as he pressed on.
Joshua wasn't happy about that either.
He tried not to think too much about that, however. He tried to keep his mind on the projects, on his work, on ideas. Because he needed to keep going. He couldn't afford to think about other things when he was supposed to be trying to save himself and, more importantly, the people he loved. He couldn't afford to be afraid or nervous or unsure.
Everyone needed him to be the guy with the answers, with the solutions. They needed him to put something together so that they'd be able to go on with their lives. They needed to be able to rely on him, because if he couldn't do what needed to be done, if he couldn't roll with the ball, then they were all dead.
Dead.
"I love you."
Dead.
"I'm proud of you."
Dead.
Cold.
De-
"Joshua?"
He blinked, feeling like his head had been pulled out of water when he hadn't even realized he was about to drown. The breath he took in then and there felt like stepping out and finally getting some fresh air. His body felt stiff though and he couldn't do anything about it even though he knew it. Even trying to actively relax felt off, hard, borderline painful.
"Joshua."
He turned his head feeling like he wasn't himself. Jeanne stood there and she looked worried and he felt all the more worthless for it. She reached for him though, and the warmth of her hand on his arm felt grounding, like finally getting flat, solid ground when he'd been climbing the steepest, most fragile mountain in the world.
"Are you alright?"
No.
"Yeah," he said, lying through his teeth, and he could tell that she believed him about as much as he'd have expected. "Yeah, I'm alright," he insisted all the same, forcing his body to relax, no matter how much he didn't feel relaxed even then. He needed to look less like he was a mess. Jeanne needed him to be strong at that moment, and if he could fool her, then he'd be able to fool Kunou, which was just as, if not more, important.
"It'll be alright, Josh," his sister said and he wanted to believe her. He wanted to believe that so much it hurt. Never had he related to the phrase "hope hurts" so much in his life.
He was finding that a lot of quotes and phrases made a lot more sense those days.
"I wish I could believe that," he replied without being able to stop the words from spilling out of his mouth. God, he was fucking useless. "I really do," he admitted, because his dumb brain had already betrayed him, so what was a little more on top of that anyway?
"It doesn't matter," she told him with a soft smile. "I'll believe for the both of us," she added and he snorted. "It'll be fine," she insisted and he looked at her more intently, as if trying to find an answer to why she believed that. She must have read that on his face, because she smiled a little wider. "You always pull it off in the end."
"I don't know if I can this time," he said, feeling so small and weak. It reminded him of the Hunter's basement, being strapped to a chair and unable to do anything while someone else had his life in their hands. Being powerless was something Joshua knew all too well, despite what others might think considering what his life had turned into.
He'd been powerless so long that it'd been all he knew for a while.
He thought he'd left that behind.
Maybe he hadn't.
"I believe in you."
And as he looked at the absolute belief in Jeanne's face, Joshua decided that he could at least pretend he wasn't useless, even to himself.
[}-o-{]
Bubble and Extraction were trickier, since Joshua couldn't really make a half-finished version of either. Hell, Bubble was straight out not at all possible to make permanent as of that moment. Any spell he set up would eventually crumble without any sources of energy to maintain it. For one, there were no leylines that he could use to maintain the thing without input. For another, he couldn't even really try and visit regularly to re-power the thing, because every time they went on a trip to the Gap, they'd appear in a different spot.
He'd noticed by making two quick trips and leaving something behind in the first one.
Nothing had been there, and he was sure the Gap couldn't have consumed the thing that fast. So, Joshua figured either time passed drastically differently in the Gap, which he hadn't found any solid proof of so far, or space was the one that was a little wonky, which would track, in his opinion. That was interesting, admittedly, but it was mainly a pain in the ass too. Joshua was starting to wonder if the Gap was just being troublesome on purpose, because it felt like every time something started going Joshua's way, the place would do something to screw him over and set him back a bunch of steps.
The point was that he couldn't set up something permanent in the Gap, not yet at least. He also didn't have anything that could push the still theoretical Gap element out to fill a room with. So, yeah, Bubble and Extraction were on stand by at the moment.
'What does that make?' he thought to himself, tapping on his notebook with his pencil.
Project Silence: Bubble, Temporary, Requires setting up, Prototype.
Project Silence: Extraction, In Development.
Project Silence: Room, Permanent, Prototype.
Project Silence: Copy, Permanent, Prototype.
That's what he had at the moment, after weeks and lots of work. It wasn't ideal, not by a long shot, but he had something. Much better than what he'd had when he'd started out and had no idea what to even do. Now he just needed to build upon all of those, improve them – or actually make them work, in Extraction's case, if it was even possible – and then…
And then he could only continue to hope.
Not the most reassuring of situations, but Joshua had survived worse, he supposed. That wasn't any better, if anyone asked him, but he'd have to make do with the circumstances he was given. No matter how much he complained, after all, he'd still have to buckle up and deal with things.
At least he was no longer the Joshua from back in his old world, scared of trying, hiding in his room because it was easier to shut out everything rather than risk failure and pain. He was no longer the kid his parents had to look out for and comfort. They weren't there anymore. It was Joshua that needed to be that person now, because there were a lot of people relying on him and…
And it was scary, scary as anything had ever been.
But it was also… nice.
A part of Joshua liked that he was reliable, that his family felt safe because he was there. It was terrifying, because the risk of failure was there, so very real. But it also made him incredibly proud of himself and he wondered if that was wrong somehow. He wasn't too bothered though. What was that compared to all the things he'd done that he knew were wrong?
"Are things going well?"
"For a definition of well," he answered with a sigh, his shoulders dropping as he turned to look at Yasaka. "I have some things ready just in case but… They don't feel good enough," he admitted, feeling every bit the failure he'd been before he got good. He felt like the man that had trembled and begged in a maniac's basement. He felt like the man that had his life crumble around him after his parents died. He felt like the kid that had hid in his own room, in fantasy worlds, because people were scary.
Once a failure, always a failure, Joshua guessed.
"You might not be reassured, but I am," the woman told him, sitting beside him. "It's the two weeks, isn't it? That's why you feel worse," she guessed, hitting the nail on the head so well he almost flinched. "We believe in you, Joshua."
"I know that," he said, looking at his notebook instead of the woman herself. "I thought I was beyond doubting myself, especially when it came to magic. I thought I was getting better."
"You never get over fears, insecurities, not really. I would know," Yasaka replied and he took a deep breath in and managed to make his eyes find her again. "I'm afraid you'll leave," she admitted and it looked like she struggled, the smallest bit, which for Yasaka might as well be her physically forcing the words like pulling teeth. "Sometimes, you won't be there when I expect you to be, and a small part of me will wonder if that was it, if you'll disappear."
Like he did, went unsaid, but he picked up on it all the same. Joshua wasn't the most socially capable guy around, but even he could get that. Before he could manage to string a thought together though, the woman continued. He wondered if she'd done that on purpose, interrupting his attempt at talking.
"I know you won't, but I can't help it," she told him, staring intently into his eyes. "So you're allowed to doubt anything, me, us, yourself, so long as you allow yourself to believe too," she told him and he wondered if knowing exactly what to say came from being old or a faction leader. He wasn't going to ask, of course, because he wasn't dumb, but still.
"I guess I can try to do that," he mumbled with a slight smile that widened when she leaned on his side, resting her head on his shoulder. And from there, he continued working, Yasaka's presence calming his nerves the smallest bit.
But that was enough for him.
[} Chapter End {]
Hey guys! How's it going?
Well, I have no idea how the thought "I should let the readers know how much time has passed" turned into a whole chapter, but I'm not really complaining. I do feel like it might be a bit much, but the Muse will do as the Muse wants, always, no matter what I think. So, I guess we'll just have to accept that and move on.
I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter though.
As always, if you can't wait until next week for the next chapter, or if you just feel like supporting my writing, there's up to three new chapters in my Patreon (linked below).
Random Question: Did you do anything interesting this last weekend? All I did was actually go out of the house for once and meet some friends for the first time in forever. Honestly, I feel like I'm becoming more and more introverted and socially awkward as time passes.