Holding the pregnancy test with my left hand while caressing my stomach with another, I stared at nothing, reminiscing the time where I met a man.
As I remembered, it was a rainy day. I was such in a bad mood because of the situation at home that I decided to enjoy my time at the bar, drowning myself with alcohol. Dancing to the music like a canary finally getting her freedom.
Doing such wild things, to the point of having sex with a stranger.
And now, having a baby. Didn't expect him to be a sharp shooter, giving me a remembrance of that night.
I'm still sitting here in a public restroom, contemplating about life and my future. Having to vomit my whole inside, and the consistent nauseous feeling, I thought at first that I have a disease.
I was so scared, only to be surprised. I rather die at this moment.
Being only 26, I feel that I'm not yet ready to build a family, raise a child, and provide for someone independently.
Thoughts swirl in my mind, so many what if's that I myself is afraid to find an answer.
But also, the fear of aborting a child, only to feel regret when it was already too late. I can't stomach the trauma that I'll face if I choose the risky way.
And beside, I enjoy the process of making a child, so I should take the responsibility for the result.
Maybe, while nourishing the child, I will learn the maternal way of raising them. Hopefully.
Putting the pregnancy test in my purse, I exhaled loudly.
Finally clearing my head, I stood up from the close toilet and walked out of the cubicle, then I unlocked the door.
After walking out, I can't help but to feel ashamed, covering my face with my hand. There's a long line of women inside and outside of the restroom. Mostly waiting at the cubicle that I used.
As I whispered my apology, I can hear some sarcastic remarks about me being eaten by the toilet, or being feeling VIP, not minding that the toilet that I'm using is a public one.
I can only utter another apology and half run outside the bathroom to go far away from my embarrassment.
When I'm far from the place of my embarrassment, I slow down my walk and stared at the open shops while thoughts still stirring in my head.
Now I'm calm, rational enough to think of my future with this baby.
But for sure I wouldn't find, even try, to meet up with this little thing's dad. As first: I don't know what that man's name. Second, I didn't remember his face. Far too blurry in my memory that I can only recall his masculine and well-define back.
His abdomen that hardens when my hand slid down to make a feel for it. His deep voice that can impregnant someone just from hearing it.
And now I'm just being lustful. Anyway, I just don't trust that sexy man because it's a one-night stand. Anything can happen. And when I say anything. I mean A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Like the circumstances that I'm experiencing now.
When in bedroom, its stays in bedroom. The time that I walk out of that room is the time that our string is cut. We have no further connection with each other.
I held my stomach as I enter a baby store that I sighted while I'm strolling. Somethings pulling me to go there, like there's something important for me to find, to claim.
Well, maybe it's just because the baby clothes are cute. The toys so tiny and the cribs adorable.
My mind automatically imagining my baby look like sleeping in a crib, making my lips bloom a smile.
There's really no regret. No turning back.
I stroll more, not far from checking every corner of the store.
Then that happen. When I'm checking a cute baby dress, raising it in the air to check better, I spotted a small Jaded bracelet, of course for baby. Its emerald color gleaming because of the light.
And like a hypnotized person, I blankly put down the dress and picked up the bracelet, checking it by its whole.
"You really have a good taste ma'am." My head turned to a sales lady that suddenly pop-up besides me.
"What?" I asked, looking bewildered.
She smiled politely. "That Jade pendant is the only one of its kind. Just look at its color and you can already tell its value. The cold feeling will tell you just how new this Jade is. It will keep your baby not only fashionable but also safe because I tell you ma'am, that bracelet is specially bless by a famous church, guaranteed to bring luck and safety to its wearer." The saleslady explained eloquently.
My eyebrow raises but my eyes can't turn away from the bracelet.
Before I knew it, I'm already at the counter, ready to pay for the bracelet with the cashier smiling extra wide.
Why wouldn't she smile when this freaking bracelet cost me my month of salary? 25 freaking thousands. But can I return it? NO.
The cashier wouldn't accept that, and besides, I'll humiliate myself if ever I did that. So, I gave her my bank card, type my account number after she swipe it, get both the shopping bag and my bank card back, turned around with a smile after I said my thanks.
"Thank you for coming and come again!" The guard at the shopping door enthusiastically stated.
My smile faltered as a small thanks escaped mouth before hurrying to run far away from the place. There's so much temptation there, need to get away immediately.
Carrying the one shopping bag on my left hand, I stepped out of the Super Mall and hailed a taxi to ride home.
So tired... I feel that my whole body is sore, especially my feet. I think it has blister and need treatment.
While waiting for the taxi to arrived at my apartment, I open the shopping box and held the black elegant box with the shop's brand name and logo in gold on my hand.
Staring at it, I can't help but to admire its fanciness. It's a baby shop so I didn't expect it to be this sophisticated and expensive.
Well, as the saying goes... Raising a child can make one poor. Food, clothes, and educations. It all cost money.
I really need to work hard for me and my baby to have a at least, if not rich, comfortable life.
I open the box and my finger touch the cold Jade. Caressing it gently, my finger froze as I stared intently at the Jade.
Is it my imagination that I saw it glow a green light? Like its emitting a light, a very light green color but noticeable glow.
But it was so fast that when I blink my eyes the Jade become normal again. Am I tripping? Is my head playing a trick on me?
Or I'm just really mentally and physically exhausted?