I was sitting in the playroom, watching the kids have fun. Damon, Wulfe, Mariella, Number Five, and a few others had been busy for three days, which left me in peace to live my life as I liked it. One might wonder why I encouraged others to be intimate but didn't participate myself. There were many reasons.
First, I knew what this pack was, mostly a lustpack, so sex was natural for them, and they used it for various reasons. Second, it was a distraction, keeping them busy and allowing me to do my own things. I wasn't built to be the perfect wife or partner, but I was learning to be some kind of version of it. However, it took time, and I fiercely defended my independence when I felt it was threatened.
As the alpha female, it was, of course, a power play, and being the strongest or most dominant was one thing. Since Damon was such an easy target, I couldn't help myself. I was currently sitting on a large sofa in the playroom, a large, kid-friendly room with plenty of child-friendly activities. Stuffed toys were scattered on the floors, the mats and rugs were soft and secure, and there were no sharp objects. Many games, books, and other items were spread across the floor.
Of course, my five toddlers were busily having fun as much as they could. I wasn't alone. Next to me, Charles leaned back, his hand around my waist, pulling me closer. He let his happiness flood through our bond; to him, this was pretty close to heaven. To have me, the kids, and our time together. He was also a lust creature but not as sex-driven as the others.
Of course, Adam was there too, as were the boys, who were in their feline forms. The kids were having a blast, climbing on the big cats, pulling their fur, and even tasting them. The boys just let them; they were so gentle with the kids. Yeah, this was pretty perfect.
Initially, Charles was the pack leader, and I wasn't going to challenge him directly. However, I knew I could if necessary. Fortunately, I understood how to manage him, allowing us to make decisions collaboratively and find compromises.
I asked Charles, "Am I crazy? I mean, I could have had Damon. I could have brought him into this, instead of driving him to Wulfe and then to Mariella. Why can't I be with him? What's stopping me? I know something is, but what is it?"
I knew this strained our relationship, yet I couldn't let him get close to me.
Adam answered, "Honey, you don't trust him, and neither do I, I must admit. He talks and talks, but he doesn't act much. What he did to you, and the suffering it caused, isn't easy to overcome. It's wise to keep him at arm's length to see if he truly wants this, or if it's just his desire to dominate."
I took a breath; Adam was right. I didn't trust Damon, not like I trusted Number Two, Five, or other Salvatores. He hadn't earned my trust, and I wasn't sure if he ever would. He was erratic, impatient, and overbearing.
My hesitation, my lack of trust, might keep him firmly with Mariella. If that happened, I wouldn't stop him or demand he be with me. Again, it was a lack of trust. I was now a mother, meaning my kids came first, and I wouldn't let him near us if I didn't trust him, simple as that.
But then, my innate insecurity surfaced. What kind of wife was I, when Damon hadn't shown any indication that he shouldn't be trusted? He had tried; he'd let me rough him up and interrogate him, and here I was still having issues trusting him. I felt miserable.
However, I had learned to trust my gut a long time ago, so I went with it. If something told me not to trust him, at least not yet, so be it, despite how difficult it would be. I might not be the perfect wife, but then again, he was far from the perfect husband or doctor, and time might help.
The situation was a matter of going with the flow, seeing what unfolded, and figuring out how to explain it to him, knowing it could make him pull away, perhaps for good. Accepting the situation as it was, I knew self-deception wouldn't help. I needed to be honest with myself and my feelings, move forward, and hope that time would offer a new perspective, possibly allowing me to trust Damon again.
I also had to confront the lack of trust, what was preventing me from regaining it, something I wasn't in the mood to address, as I desperately wanted the "pack life" to thrive. It wasn't meant to be, not at all. May walked beside me, often seeming to sense my moods.
I asked her, "Am I sabotaging my relationship with Damon with my neurosis?"
Charles and Adam, also in the room, sighed.
Adam gently said, "No, honey, I've told you before, you have a right to feel the way you do. Give yourself some time, move on, and then we'll see what's next. You're also pregnant, so hormones are at play, and it's your alpha side. This isn't a simple situation where you can just flip a switch."
I rolled my eyes in exasperation. Of course, nothing in my life was easy or simple. Damn it, but there wasn't much I could do about it. Trying to force myself against my instincts could trap me in my own mind; after all, they were there for a reason.
I gazed at Sadie, who was wearing her turquoise dress and white socks, her hair in pigtails. She pushed a cart with a determined expression on her sweet little face. Of course, she was literally my mini-me, meaning she was the alpha and wanted to make decisions. She used the cart to get her way.
Dash, as usual, was running all over, with or without his cart. He was quick, always moving and exploring. When Dash found a corner with a huge teddy bear, Sadie's mouth frowned, and she pushed her cart right at him, making him fall on his knees and start to cry. This, of course, upset Darien, who was currently trying to climb onto the sofa with us, and he started to cry as well.
I picked him up, trying to shush him, as Charles went to deal with Dash. Adam took care of distracting Sadie, while May and Emmylee, who had just come in, took Sabrina and Seraphina with them. They showed them a few books so they wouldn't be too upset. I couldn't be sure that only the boys were empaths, meaning the girls might get upset too, so we needed to make sure everyone was calmed down. Otherwise, this would be one big crying concert, and to be honest, I wasn't in the mood for that kind of trouble. Maybe someday, but not now.
The boys had jeans, well, they were kids' jeans, but still, and the girls had dresses on. I had to admit, dressing them wasn't easy, not at all, as they weren't always in the mood. Trying to dress a toddler who isn't in the mood is more difficult than getting a fully grown octopus neatly into netting. And hairdressing... well, I was damn glad I had the Salvatores to deal with them.
I did cuss when I dressed them, sometimes out loud, sometimes in my mind, but I had quite inventive expressions. It was something so unbelievable; I mean, what the fuck was with them and clothes? I couldn't let them run around wearing only diapers; they would get scratches, and they needed to stay warm.
But it took a hell of a lot of patience to get some days' clothes on them. It felt like a marathon once I had gotten all five dressed up.
After we had gotten the kids to calm down and directed them to interact with toys and games, I said to Adam, "I guess it is again time for some mushy sentences, how about it, Hauptman? Ready to take them?"
He smirked and said to me, "Go on, honey, do your worst, but first let me get you a few more targets."
Footsteps approached, and soon Salvatore's - numbers six, seven, nine, and ten, along with Ashley and Britney - entered the room. They found seats nearby.
Ashley spoke first, saying, "I want to witness this. Wulfe has told us something about it, but let's hear it. Do your worst."
Taking a breath, I looked at Adam, locking eyes with him.
My voice, soft and sweet, began, "My husband, my very first savior, the guardian of my heart, the one man who could dominate me, protect me, love me, and make me feel like a million bucks, regardless of how I looked, how skinny I was, or what I had done. You have my heart, my soul. Having you next to me is like having ultimate security, always near, never faltering. Your love for me shows in your touch, in your voice, in your kiss. I am sorry for all the times I have hurt you. If I have ever made you feel less, I am still too reserved; I don't have the guts to say it to your face enough times, but I love you."
I let all my emotions flood into Adam. He was silent for a moment, then wiped his eyes.
Sobs erupted from his lips, and his voice, thick and almost impossible to understand, said, "Never, honey. You have never made me feel like that. Oh my god, I love you."
He hugged me and kissed me deeply. May and the other girls were wiping their eyes as well. I was just getting started. The Salvatores were quiet, bracing themselves, seemingly trying to prepare for my mushy sentences.
I finally let Adam go. He was now wiping his red-rimmed eyes.
Charles turned to me and said, "You dare do that to me, honey? I will show you..."
I replied, "Wait for your turn, I will wreck you too."
He simply smiled. I then focused my attention on number six. I went to sit in his lap, surprising him, and looked deep into his eyes.
Brushing his hair out of his forehead, I said, "Do you know, Damon, that I love you? You are the only version of you who has never hurt me, not unnecessarily, not because of Mariella, or your own issues. You have loved me, and you've tried to show me that love in the ways you could, through sex, and now, as time has given us more tools, you use them, oh boy, you use them, to flood this purest love right into my dark soul. I can feel right now that you want to wrap yourself around me, carry me to a nest, love me, have me, keep me as your own, the same way you love our kids. You are truly their daddy. I can feel, I sense the purest, unconditional love for them coming from you, and it's amazing; it makes me feel inadequate as a mother loving her kids."
He kissed me, pulling me tightly against him, flooding our bond with the purest, strongest love. He trembled against me, almost trying to devour me. I could feel hot tears spilling from his eyes as they landed on my cheeks as we kissed. He didn't want to let me go, not at all.
I approached Number Nine, who was taking a deep breath, preparing himself. I walked up to him and nuzzled my head against his lap, then pressed myself against his chest.
I said, "Here, in your arms, I feel so utterly safe, so utterly loved, a feeling I never thought possible. I still remember the pain that wrecked my heart when Mariella entered the picture, and I felt I had lost your love, or it was Number One's. The thought of no longer being loved by Damon Salvatore was almost too much to bear. When I found you all, I was bitter, knowing that even with ten of you, Mariella was taking them all. I just wanted one of you; I just needed Damon. I needed you to hold me, to tell me I was more important than Mariella, that you loved me more. And now, I can feel it. You do love me more than you love Mariella. Despite everything, I am alive, so much more alive than I ever knew. Being in your arms, no one can hurt me, nothing can touch me, because your love protects me, keeps me here, right where I belong."
Number Nine kissed the top of my head, squeezing me close.
He said, "My love, you are the one for me, truly you are. This is perfect, and I won't let you leave. Never. You know what, baby? Fuck the Azores. When this is over, someday, I want to be with you, not be just another gigolo for Mariella."
His voice was thick, and he held me tightly, shaking slightly, almost as if he feared I would disappear and leave him to be just a gigolo.
I walked up to Charles, and it was my turn.
I said, "I have always felt safe, ever since you first held me, a long time ago."
My memory began to unfurl, and I felt so many Salvatores – Mariella, Wulfe, and others – becoming aware of what I was doing; they were present in our hivemind, our unique hive, but I continued
. I told Charles, "Even though you are Mariella's protector, you are my security, my shelter in this stormy world, my safe haven. You can and will hurt me if necessary, but it's not out of malice or irritation; it's because you want to keep me safe and healthy, and, well, I don't make it easy. One of the greatest honors of my life is knowing that somewhere out there, in some dimension, our children are living, have their own children. We have created a lineage, and I have never been prouder. I got to carry them, give birth to them, and it is an honor like no other. I love you so damn much, and I don't say it enough or show it enough. Every time Mariella takes you from me, it hurts because, damn it, Cornick, you are much more mine than hers. I understand you have a job; you are her protector, but you are so much more to me. I don't ever want to lose you, not now, not in millennia, never."
Charles was quiet. His voice thick, his eyes brimming, he murmured, "Honey, I am not going anywhere. As for being Mariella's protector, I just might take a holiday and let Number One care for her. You are carrying new life within you again, and this time, honey, I will do better. No driving gigs, no leaving you alone, no listening to Damon. This time I will use my heart instead of my reason, because you, the most important creature in the entire universe, deserve all the love and care I can give you."
He pulled me into his arms, kissing me with such passion, longing, and love that my heart sang. My soul blazed with love, and our bond was truly a highway of love, trust, and lust.
Realizing my life was improving by the minute, all I needed to do was acknowledge my love, feelings, and insecurities, and then move forward, embracing the unknown. Being the alpha female, the strongest and most cunning member of the pack, wasn't easy.
However, I was surrounded by love and support: Mimi Salvatore, an immortal, unkillable creature, a vampire-shifter chimera, more creature than woman, a supernatural black jaguar in human guise with potent vampire abilities, married at fourteen, with a 2500-year-old vampire wizard as my soulmate, and now a mother—my life was certainly evolving. This introspective moment, while sentimental, served as a reminder to embrace all emotions, both positive and negative, as feeling was the key to happiness.
A prickling sensation on my side caused me to grunt and lift my shirt. The magic tattoo had grown again. This moment, with the Salvatores, Charles, Adam, the girls, the kids, and this love, was truly etching my life story onto my skin, both the good and the bad.