While Csendez was returning to her apartment after an exhausting day, Anka woke up in her house.
Csendez was unusually quiet on the way back.
Once inside, she casually talked with her System, asking what he had learned so far and whether there was anything in the books he still didn't understand.
[Everything is fine so far. But...]
Csendez caught the hesitation in his voice.
She stopped what she was doing and looked toward the little bird.
"Don't be shy. Tell me what is bothering you."
The little Damionus hesitated, but eventually asked the question that had been on his mind.
[The book describes how many beings enjoy unity and emotional connections with other species. You are a phoenix, and you seem to enjoy spending time with Uituba and being in the middle of a crowd. But you keep everything at a distance.]
He tilted his little head.
[Do you like it or not, Csendez? I'm confused. Is the book wrong?]
The girl froze.
A mixture of emotions rose inside her, but her face remained completely still. Her eyes became colder. The atmosphere in the room changed with them.
The Damionus immediately panicked.
[Host? Host... Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry! I won't do it again... I'm a good System... sob, sob...]
The little bird ignored the coldness in her eyes and tried to approach her. Csendez didn't stop him.
He rubbed his tiny head against her hand, but somehow, even with that small gesture, he couldn't feel any warmth coming from her.
A strange feeling took shape inside him. His colors slowly faded. Small drops of black liquid appeared in his eyes, and even his voice began to tremble.
Csendez finally took the bird into her palm.
One finger gently rubbed his face, wiping away the dark tears that had stained his beautiful yellow feathers.
"Chirip. I'm not angry at you."
The little bird looked at her with his tiny eyes and shook his head.
[I said something that made my host angry... I'm a bad System... sob... I'm sorry...]
Csendez took off her ring and placed it inside the box.
"That's not true." She paused. "What you said did anger me. But not because you were wrong." Her eyes remained fixed on the little bird.
"Chirip... do you think I'm too defensive?" Another pause. "Do I behave unreasonably?"
The girl didn't seem to care much about the answer. Or perhaps she cared too much.
Chirip couldn't tell.
The question made him think seriously. He wanted to give his host a proper answer.
[Csendez... from what I've learned so far, being defensive and careful with others is normal. A conscious being with desires and emotions will develop preferences and change throughout its life. Some things may even disappear with time. That's normal.]
The little bird sounded strangely serious while explaining such basic concepts from the books. Csendez relaxed slightly. She waited.
Chirip continued.
[But you confuse me because you obviously like being around others. You like communicating. You like being part of something.]
He tilted his head again.
[But Csendez also seems to run away from all of that. Or maybe you try very hard to stay away from it.]
He looked at her.
[You don't seem to like that part.]
This time, Csendez didn't get angry. Instead, she fell into a deep thought. She remained silent for a while before finally speaking.
"Chirip, thank you for telling me that." She gave him a faint smile "I'll think about the answer and tell you when I figure it out. Okay?"
The System was a little confused, but he forgot about it almost immediately.
For him, what his host wanted was what mattered. If she wasn't unhappy, then everything was fine. He made a small sound of agreement.
Csendez carried him into the bedroom and placed the box on her nightstand, beside her gloves.
The little bird transformed back into a small ball of light and peacefully entered the ring.
Left alone, Csendez walked toward the window.
For the first time in several days, she actually stopped to look outside.
The forest was almost completely dark, illuminated only by a few dim lights.
My attitude is too volatile. I don't like this.
She slowly sat down on the floor.
I feel like a clown.
If even a child like Chirip can see this behavior, what would Uituba think? What about everyone else?
She looked toward the drawings covering one of the walls.
I try to behave naturally, but I don't even know what "natural" is supposed to mean anymore.
She lowered her head.
I was raised in isolation.
I didn't have many people to talk to.
I didn't have parents to teach me things or siblings to play with.
I only had my dreams and my books to understand the world.
Her fingers tightened slightly.
Apparently, this wasn't enough.
A long silence followed.
The System said something that I didn't want to hear.
I enjoy company... and then I try to run away from it.
I enjoy being surrounded by people... and then I hate myself for enjoying it.
I can't keep doing this.
She hugged her knees.
I'm here now.
I have a chance to change.
I can build a new life.
Her eyes moved toward her palms.
So why am I still trapped in that room?
I'm the only one who doesn't want to leave.
The thought hurt more than she expected.
How can I live if I'm afraid to live in the first place?
I won't accomplish anything if one part of me keeps running while the other refuses to move.
That's not effort.
That's just pretending to move forward.
She closed her eyes.
I've been lying to myself.
Not anymore.
Her mind returned to the people she had met during her short time at the Academy.
I'm afraid of forming relationships because I'm afraid of being hurt when they betray me.
Fine. But does that mean I should never make friends?
Should I never live sincerely because I already know that some relationships won't last forever?
I've been treating every person who approaches me like a potential enemy.
Every kind hand becomes something I need to analyze.
Every nice gesture becomes a possible alliance.
She breathed slowly.
I know that, in this universe, interests are a priority for almost every being.
But does knowing that change what I want?
She shook her head.
I don't think so.
I still want to know more about this world.
I still want to experience things.
I still want to understand what it's like to belong somewhere.
And I can't do that if I'm afraid to even try.
Her gaze returned to the drawings on the wall.
Circles, shapes, objects and strange symbols covered the surface. Some were recognizable. Others were not.
She remembered every feeling she had while drawing them. The excitement whenever she discovered something new. Every new desire she had created.
The desire to leave. To escape. To run away. And, eventually, the desire to become stronger.
That's right.
I came here to become stronger.
To be free.
To become whoever I want to be.
She paused.
But all of that is because I want to live.
The realization was strangely simple.
From the moment I came here, I started changing.
I tried to adapt to this new environment.
But I'm also the one blocking that change.
She looked down at her hands.
Making a connection isn't a mistake.
Trusting someone isn't automatically a mistake.
Not trusting someone isn't a mistake either.
Enjoying something isn't a mistake.
Wanting to feel accepted isn't a mistake.
Her expression softened.
Maybe that's what I was missing.
Not an answer.
Just permission to feel things without immediately treating them as weaknesses.
She remembered Anka.
The human girl she had met while inside her body. How honest she had been. How naturally she experienced everything around her.
And how, despite everything, she was still alive and happy.
That experience had something to do with this too.
She was honest the entire time. And she's still living her life.
So maybe there are different ways to live. Maybe feelings are allowed to matter.
Csendez slowly stood up. She looked at the drawings again.
If I become powerful, independent and free, but my feelings are a complete disaster...
If all those years are filled with nothing but fear, uncertainty, anxiety and disappointment...
She stopped.
Then what was the point?
The thought stayed with her. She finally walked toward the bed. Her face was calm.
But something inside her felt lighter, as if she had finally put down something heavy she had been carrying for years.
She sat on the edge of the bed.
I don't know how to change this yet.
I don't even know if I can.
A faint smile appeared on her face.
I've had enough bad memories and wasted years. I don't want to waste any more.
She lay down.
Tomorrow, I'll try. The goal is important, but the way I reach it matters too.
Her eyes slowly closed.
Thank you, Chirip, and thank you, human girl.
Two strangers who don't even know me… and yet, somehow, you both changed my life.