The moment my fingers touched the cold water, I felt a shiver all over my body. The pond was cold, too cold. Not the chill of night or mountain shade, but a biting, invasive cold that crawled up my arm and into my chest. It finally reached my neck and then my mouth opened on its own, I inhaled sharply.
And the water rushed into my lungs like I swelled a bunch of needles. My eyes squeezed shut of their own accord, trying to endure the pain.
The pond swallowed me whole.
I clawed at the water, flailing my hands up and down as if I could ever do it properly. Well, the monastery had never taught us how to swim. Only how to sit still. How to breathe. How to meditate.
Not that I had ever managed that either.
The weight of the garments dragged me down.
My movements grew sluggish. Everything slowed down. Another gulp of water I didn't want and bodily numbness screamed through me, then choked. Darkness pressed in from all sides, thick and absolute, until even last thought began to dissolve.
I waited for more pain.
For my lungs to burst.
For more needles to fill my body.
For the end.
But it never came.
I was still thinking about the end.
The realization was worse than drowning.
If my thoughts remained… had I truly died?
And if I hadn't… how long could this last? Till the end, very end.
Moments stretched. Or something far worse.
I tried to open my eyes.
Nothing.
I tried to move.
Nothing.
No water. No limbs. No breath. I felt nothing at all, as if my body had been peeled away, leaving only awareness behind.
Was this death?
Or was this punishment?
"You're doing it wrong." The sudden voice came all over. Sharp. Irritated. Real.
"What?" I thought or I screamed. I couldn't tell anymore.
"Stop thinking. Open your mind."
"Open… my mind? Huh?!" The best advice I needed now. "Is it some kind of a joke?"
"Heavens above, you're as dense as an ox. Just do it...or you'll die."
A heavy sigh followed, carrying pressure with it, like the weight of a mountain settling overhead.
A mountain?
Why did that word echo in my mind?
I was losing myself. I was definitely loosing.
"O-okay. Okay!" I finally scrambled. "One step at a time. Open my mind, how?!"
"To think," the voice muttered some kind of unfriendly, "that of all mortals in all realms, I'm trapped with you. This is torture."
"Trappeded?" Wait, what?! My perception was already shuttered, and I was still not getting anything.
"Yes! Trapped!" Seemed like the patience snapped this time. "Do you have any idea where you are? Open your mind and look. Or stay blind and trapped in this Darkness forever."
Darkness.
Trapped.
Forever.
So, I really died or not yet?
My perception erupted, wild and uncontrollable, a mess of words, thoughts, consciousness tearing through what little calm I wished could remain.
"Calm down!" the voice barked.
"No way you are saying this?! You mean… " I snapped back. "You want me to calm down after realizing I might be dead?! No, worse, not dead yet?!"
"Celestial Stars! Your Stupidity is the yin to wisdom's yang. Keeps the balance, you know."
Not comforting. And not like I wished to be lectured at this very moment.
"Slower your mind," it warned. "If the Heavens mistake your panic for a prayer, they might answer it."
I wished I could say that a chill ran through me deeper than the pond's cold had ever done, but even that wasn't the right way to describe the 'stab in the back' I felt.
"…Answer it how?"
A pause. No, a silence. The voice didn't reply.
Wait, what? Could it all get somehow worse?
*Thx for reading.