Fifth Month, the 2nd day, 1386. 21:09.
"CHEERS!"
Huge cups of beer clicked loudly along with the cheers of knights inside a crowded pub. Sir Icarus immediately reserved the usual pub we go to in the capital and made sure my farewell party was exclusive for imperial knights only.
And it didn't take long for the knights to start flocking around me to get some answers out of me.
"You're seriously resigning, Dame? Who's going to beat our asses in training now?"
"Why are you even resigning?! I thought you loved us!"
"YEAH! What about our training?!"
"We're gonna miss your kicks, Dame!"
"WE DESERVE AN EXPLANATION! This is too sudden!"
All they do is spout nonsense, but it somewhat made me nostalgic for my early days with the imperial knights. Although they weren't exactly welcoming the moment we met, they weren't arrogant people and were open to becoming better.
That's why I joined them in their general training, with permission granted by Hael. I was a fresh twenty-one-year-old graduate from the Academy, and naturally, they've heard of me, as someone who sticks with the sixth imperial child.
"Are you all seriously asking for a beating right now?" I asked them, but they laughed it off. I raised a brow at their stupid actions. They remind me of someone, but they're definitely more tolerable than him.
"You know that's not what they mean, Dame Adela," Icarus arrived and sat next to me with a beer. "They genuinely look up to you and your skills, like the men that they are."
I was frozen still in my place.
Ah… right… I am acknowledged as one of the greatest knights in all the history of Kovia.
I wonder… Am I really that great?
I can feel my chest tighten. Huh… is this guilt?
If I were to even compare myself to these men, I would definitely lose to them. I consider them as true knights. All of them who feel so deeply, all who are genuine, all who express themselves so naturally… and all who stay true to their values.
The books have told me, "A true knight is someone who protects those precious to him. And when he choses a master, that master, above all, must always come first."
Me? I had little self-respect, or respect for what I believe in. I killed anyone at Hael's order. I followed him and did whatever he asked me to do, in hopes of learning how I could be a true knight.
It was already too late for me to realize that the description of a knight isn't exactly the same for everyone, just like how people define a ruler.
A knight is ruthless.
A knight is a noble man.
A knight is someone who kills.
A knight is strong.
A knight is a slave.
"I'm not as great as you all think," I blurted out subconsciously, it was too late for me to eat my own words. I wanted to slap myself for degrading myself in public or showing even an ounce of weakness.
"Well, does your opinion of yourself matter with how we want to see you?"
I was frozen in my place once again. I turned back to Sir Icarus because of his words. He was smiling.
"Unfortunately, this applies in any situation," Sir Icarus stated clearly, then met my eyes. "Dame Adela, you are well respected because we've seen you work hard ourselves for the past years, whether it's in training or when helping His Majesty."
No.
You're wrong. I'm like a plain sheet of paper; I'm nothing interesting or deep, to say the least. I did all of that because I wanted to learn… I wanted to be like a proper human.
A knight is a great example of becoming the most humane being possible.
Like a knight, like a lady, like a human; I did everything, to learn what it's like… to feel something. It didn't matter if it was taking lessons, attending training, making friends, learning a new language, reading books… or killing.
"Thank you… for saying that."
Even at this point, I can't be remorseful or sad. I just went on and accepted something I don't agree with.
I can understand fully, but why can't I feel it? Why is there emptiness every time there's emotion?
Why do I feel like something has eaten my heart out?
Sir Icarus looked as if he noticed something off about me, and he simply sighed it off.
"I guess, I have no choice but to prove it to you," he mumbled as he stood up from his place. I turned to him in confusion.
"ATTENTION, IMPERIAL GOONS!"
All of them turned to their commander.
"This is a farewell party arranged for a well-respected and daring knight, Dame Adela Rosalie Oleander! I command you all to openly show your admiration towards her tonight by answering a simple question…"
Huh…?
"DO YOU ALL HOLD HIGH RESPECT AND REGARDS FOR HER EVEN AS A SIMPLE HUMAN, AND NOT A KNIGHT?!"
I can feel my blood rushing up to my face. He really didn't have to do this.
"YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Oh my fucking gods. We barely started drinking, but they are acting like drunkards in the street.
"EVEN WHEN SHE'S TAKEN A DIFFERENT JOB?!"
"YEEAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
All of them are insane, alcohol must've made their way inside their frontal lobe.
"YYYYEAAAA—" I immediately stood up and slapped Sir Icarus to shut him up.
"Enough of that already. I get it… thank you," I spoke with a small voice and they began laughing. I don't even know if they heard me well.
"What's with that?! Is Dame Adela really embarrassed?!"
No. I am ashamed of your loudness, for goodness' sake.
"Even when she's flustered, she looks cold and emotionless as ever!"
"She's just naturally like that! That's just our Dame Adela!"
"BAHAHAHAHAH!"
Yes, they're all drunkards. It's really a good thing we're the only ones here. Otherwise, nasty rumors will circulate about them being too noisy.
"Haaa… Why did you do this, Sir Icarus?" I asked him as I sat back down. I can't believe he just did this in public.
"It's a good slap to reality, isn't it?" He simply answered me. "You can't change people's opinion of you, no matter what you tell them. They believe what they believe, and what they believe is that you're an amazing person."
His index finger made its way to touch my forehead. Our eyes met again.
"We may not look like it, but the Imperial Knights are proud that you've finally had the courage to resign from that wrenched position. Don't worry about His Majesty, we'll do all the protecting this time around."
His voice was low and his tone was honest and soft. Of course, most of the knights are aware of my job as Hael's knight.
They witnessed it during the civil war… how ruthless I can be all for Hael's sake.
Yet, here they are, telling me how much they appreciate me. I can't express how ashamed I am of myself because I know it would upset them.
"Thank you… truly." I mumbled enough for him to hear and he could only smile at me.
"You are always welcome, Dame Adela."
"Are you back?"
The moment I opened the door from my veranda to my room, I heard a familiar voice. I turned to one side, where my study table was.
"Brother…" I acknowledged his presence. He sounded… drunk. Has he been drinking? I walked closer to his direction. He was right there, drinking wine. I didn't expect him to be here, that's why I left for the night.
"I apologize for drinking in your room. I wanted to have a drink with you, a little celebration since you were finally free…" he was mumbling by himself, but I could hear it. I myself am a little drunk.
"Sir Icarus threw me a farewell party… It would be rude of me to not show up," I explained, and he simply shakes his head.
"No, I understand. I just missed my little sister. And right when we're finally reunited after five years, that happened…"
He must be talking about what happened earlier.
"Adela…" he called. "I'm sorry."
I can't see his face well because of the dim lighting, but he sounds… guilty.
"For what?" He's done nothing wrong.
"For everything… I wish I had protected you from them better."
I remain unable to form a reply.
As a child, I cannot say I wasn't cared for, although I am certain that my parents never loved me. And I can't blame them.
From infancy throughout my childhood before I entered the academy, I was like a devil's spawn in their eyes. I was empty like a shell, that even when I tripped over myself and bled, I didn't cry. I wasn't like any other child who couldn't handle emotions… not to say I had any in the first place.
I was like a puppet, who didn't have any will to do anything at all.
Aside from that, I had unique white hair, while none of the members of the family had the same white hair, not even my own older brother. The white streaks he has on his hair are dyed, and the reason?
He wanted me to feel that we're real siblings, not like what others have been saying.
Looking back now, I know I was boring and had treated him indifferently despite the efforts he'd done to play with me, all while no one wanted to even have me in their line of sight.
Cor was the only one to ever feel like an actual family to me.
It was also because of him that I was able to have initiative. At six years old, I asked my father to have me take the same lessons he took as the heir. All because he will be leaving for the academy in a year and I won't be able to see him for very long… At that moment, I learned what it means to yearn for a presence.
"I'm old enough to protect myself, Brother," I said, close to whispering. "Don't you think this is best suited for me?"
"But I didn't want to stop being your older brother, Adela. You could've at least consulted me about this decision of yours…" he trailed off, but he hesitated. "Haaa… nevertheless, I suppose you are right."
That's what bothered him? I nearly laughed at his childish thinking, but I held it in. Unknowingly, I was already smiling at this vulnerable state of him.
"Brother, I'll say this once, so please listen carefully."
I can see him looking up to me.
"You were the first to have ever taught me warmth and what family really is. No matter what circumstance, no matter what life I live… You will always be my older brother, my family."
To you, who had accepted me and stood next to me despite all… I want to see you proud…
Despite the dim light, I can see him covering his face, perhaps… he's so sensitive and old now that he couldn't hold in his own tears.
"Thank you… my little sister…" He utters in tears, and I could only smile by myself.