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Chapter 6 - Timewalker:Redemption

September 8th

I have hazy recollections of that day. I used to dream about it every night but now…

 I had gotten into an argument with Marlene, my wife, over something petty I am sure. We raised our voices over each other till she caved in and cried. I walked out of the house, it was close to midnight.

September 9th

I should have recognised the signs, the way she let me leave so easily, the dark clouds in the sky—a harbinger of disaster I am sure. 

Regardless, I remember that morning. I sat out on the swings at the local playground, slowly rocking my legs back and forth to create some modicum of momentum. The rusted metal rubbing against each other created this shrieking sound that was both unpleasant but more so comforting, nostalgic even. I had left my cigarettes in the house, carried no money, so I just stared into the starry sky, wondering what to do next. It was at moments like those I fully came to realise how utterly despicable I was. I had yelled at Marlene…I had yelled at Marlene.

 Despite the flaws I always saw, she had always been there for me. I needed to go back and apologise, to set things straight. I needed to be a changed man. I needed to love her better.

I went back to our apartment. Climbing up the steps slowly, careful not to make noise via the wooden creaks as the floorboards bent under my bulk. I rehearsed just how I would apologise, how I would have gone down on my knees and begged her to forgive me. She was a kind woman, she would have surely forgiven me.

The fifth floor, fifth door from the stairs on the left, room number 505, that was where we resided. I knocked the door softly, knowing she would be somewhere in the living room, reading a book trying to distract herself. 

I slowly pushed the door open, calling out her name… 'Marlene! Marlene!'. I walked in, slowly taking off my shoes at the doorstep. 

I caught a glimpse of her by the sofa lying down, sleeping perhaps. She had always been a light sleeper, the slightest noise would wake her up, surely calling out her name had done it. Pretending to sleep was not a first for her. So I decided to… 'talk to myself'…

I told her how I would change my ways, how I would try to mend my wrongs and love her just like when we first met. I remember I even decided to narrate an impromptu poem, off the top of my head. I remember not most of the words, but I know that I had cried a bit, a single tear at most…yet she did not respond.

I decided to stir her gently, a simple soft nudge on her shoulder with my left hand—she was cold. My heart never beat faster. I shook her, lifted her up, kissed her cheeks as if my love would bring her to life when it never gave her one. 

September 10th

I decided to rest, this journal takes a toll on me. 

I found out she had died from an overdose, a silent end for such a loud woman…the irony was palpable…but this feeling, this feeling remained with me for all eternity. I was the cause of her death. I was the reason she took her own life. I could not live with that, I couldn't.

I remember not of the past ten or so years, only that I was chasing for redemption at the bottom of the bottle. The gin, the wine, the vodka, the whiskey, the rum…they all heated my body but my soul remained dead cold. I recognized not the man in the mirror. He was a stranger…a lost cause. 

When the chance came to right my wrongs…I took it without a second thought.

September 11th

It was about a month ago. I was in my house, writing as I always do on the very couch Marlene had eternally rested, trying to scrape a coin off my articles, when I heard a knock on the door. 

Two gents and a lady approached me, speaking about how I would like to take part in an experiment… I was hesitant, that very man who had nothing to live for but feared death. They told me how, if the experiment was a success, I would be able to change my past.

Would you believe how excited I was to hear it? Redemption, right there at my doorstep, unannounced. I let them in and they explained it to me. I am no scientist by any means, their jargon flew straight over my head. All I heard was that with their machine, I could go back to the past and change one thing I wanted. 

I took the opportunity, signed some papers I barely read…how could I? This was one shot, I had to take—I must take it.

September 12th

In the past 4 days I have tried to write as faithfully as I could and recollect my past. At present they are performing tests on me, giving me medicine to 'prepare' for the procedure. In my free time, I rehearse what I will do once I go to the past. Grandiose ideas fill my mind, I can neither pick one nor leave the other. The procedure will take place the next day, and I will change my past.

September 13th

I was returned to my bedchambers, given some water to drink. My hands trembled in excitement, so much so that I spilled the drink. There was no one watching me, neither was I thirsty, so I write this briefly before I go to bed. The procedure has been somewhat mentally draining.

September 14th

I woke up in the morning, back in my apartment. When and how I arrived there was a mystery…then it hit me. Time had changed!

I was elated. Having gone back to that fateful night, stopping my past self as he stormed out to make up with Marlene. The experiment was a success. A success.

I heard a knock on my door, so I moved to open it. Two gents and a lady, possibly the same ones who had picked me up then…but then again, I had never caught their faces. 

The woman asked if I wanted to change my life. Confused, I informed them that the experiment had worked. They were confused.

"Did you drink the water we gave you?" she asked, her brows creasing, a worried look on her face—but why?

Why was she asking ME about something so trivial. Water?

She stepped inside and asked me to sit down. She explained it to me.

September 15th

It is morning, a lot has happened since yesterday. 

It turns out they were investigating something called the grandfather paradox, taking willing participants who wanted to change a point in their lives. They would offer up technology and we would offer them data. 

The water had an amnesiac effect, it made me forget. So there I was, face to face with reality, the countless letters like this one that I have written. All journals of the past. I could not count just how many there were, how far they dated back.

The truth was cruel.

No matter how much I tried to change the past, nothing would change. If I had not let Marlene die, I would have been somewhat happier and never have taken this opportunity to travel back in time…yet by not going back meant I never did stop myself from walking away…

I do not know what to feel. Angry? Perhaps, but at who exactly? Them? They were simply scientists. I was the one who had begged them to use the drug on me in the past, it was my choice in the end, a coward's path. Or maybe me? Who made a mistake in the past, now searching for a way to fix it instead of facing it. What had happened had happened. I was supposed to have accepted that outcome, embraced it, coddled it and nurtured it for a healthier outcome instead of being stuck to the past. 

I shall sleep on this matter.

September 16th

Redemption must come.

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