CHAPTER 69
Secret High Order: Mei Mei, Wei Wei, and Pei Pei
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Lu Xie felt a headache coming on.
She remembered now. Apart from being talented in the martial way, Valia was also a Rap God of Nonsense. He spoke so fast that people around him could hardly process the sheer volume of his ego.
Lu Xie turned to look at Lela.
The Demoness had a dry, frozen smile on her face. She hadn't even been given an opportunity to speak—not that she wanted to.
However, Lela couldn't slap him or disparage him here. Not in the Hall of the Subservient. Not when his grandmother, the Hall Head, was likely watching from a high window.
Lela was trapped in a Simp Vortex.
>>>>>>>>>>>~^~<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Unknown Heavens~
Territory Of The Order Of Principalities Coven~
Hall Of The Subservient~
....
Taking full advantage of Lela's public hesitation, Valia began pushing, hoping to force her into accepting his invitation through sheer social pressure.
"Come now, Lela! It will be the event of the year! Everyone is waiting to see us together!"
Lu Xie watched from the sidelines, her eyes narrowing.
Before her regression, Lu Xie had had her fair share of such persistent and thick-skinned suitors. Men who were more tenacious than cockroaches and harder to kill. Over ten thousand years, she had developed over a thousand ways to deal with them.
Lela was clearly a novice compared to her.
Unable to bear the cringe-worthy scene anymore, Lu Xie decided to take action. She secretly sized Valia up, scrolling through her mental catalog of "Anti-Simp Strategies."
Ding!
A metaphorical lightbulb lit up over her head.
Valia, oblivious to the brewing trouble, kept on bragging about his recent breakthrough and how full of "vitality" he was.
"The energy in my dantian is overflowing! I feel like a stallion—"
GASP!
Lu Xie suddenly sucked in a breath loudly, staring at his face with wide, horrified eyes. She interrupted him, clutching her chest as if she were about to faint from concern.
"Oh my Goddess! Senior Brother! Your Yin-Yang balance is inverted!"
Valia froze. "Excuse me?"
"Did you force your breakthrough?!" Lu Xie shrieked. "You have all the symptoms of the 'Premature Withering of the Jade Pillar'!"
Valia: "....."
Lela: "@_@"
Trisha: "0_0"
Random passerby: "°o°"
The silence was deafening.
"I read about it once in an ancient apothecary book!" Lu Xie continued, raising her voice an octave to ensure the people further away could hear.
The crowd began to turn, recognizing the famous "Quadruple Honorary Genius." If she said it, it must be true!
Lu Xie quickly went on, listing out symptoms she was making up on the spot.
"Look! Your palms are sweaty! Your lower back is trembling!"
She reached out and aggressively poked his kidney area.
"Yelp!" Valia jumped.
"See? Weakness in the kidneys!" Lu Xie declared with the confidence of a Divine Doctor.
"Your teeth are yellowing! Your breath smells of decay! Look at your scalp—it's thinning! And your face is so pale! You are incredibly thin... a gust of wind could blow you away!"
She shook her head sadly.
"Say, Big Sister... isn't this concerning? If his Jade Pillar withers at such a young age, how will he ever carry on his family line?"
The crowd began whispering furiously.
"Did you hear? Valia is impotent!"
"No wonder he is so desperate for Lela..."
Valia instantly became flustered, his ears turning beet red from embarrassment. He opened his mouth to defend his honor, but no words came out.
Lela bit her lip so hard it nearly bled, trying desperately not to die of laughter right there before the Hall of Subservience.
However, Lu Xie's victory was momentary.
"Hahahaha....!"
Valia suddenly burst into a cheery, booming laugh, spreading his arms wide. The sudden action caught everyone off guard. Had he gone insane from shame?
"Junior Sister Alia," he said, looking down at Lu Xie with a pitying smile.
"I don't think you should be reading such obscene books at your young age. You have been misled!"
He puffed out his chest.
"No need to worry about me. My 'Jade Pillar' has never been more active! In fact, I didn't want to brag, but I received news just this morning..."
He paused for dramatic effect.
"I will soon be expecting my nineteenth son!"
Lela gagged audibly. She looked like she might throw up in sheer disgust.
Lu Xie was stunned.
In the Nine Heavenly Realms, cultivators rarely had children, let alone a litter! Even pigs knew family planning better than him! 'Maybe people in this realm are more fertile? Like rabbits?' she concluded.
But then the math hit her. Valia was younger than Lela. He was, at most, in his mid-twenties.
'Twenty-five years old... and nineteen sons?!'
His Jade Pillar wasn't just active; it was a public health hazard.
Lu Xie quickly threw these thoughts out of her head, shaking it vigorously as if trying to dislodge the mental image of Valia reproducing.
Seeing Valia remain thick-skinned, Lu Xie decided to change tactics. The medical approach failed. It was time for the "Crazy Burden" approach.
"That's great to hear then! I was worried for nothing!" Lu Xie beamed innocently.
Valia gave Lu Xie a glance filled with mockery—the kind a winner gives a sore loser—before turning back to Lela.
"So, Lela... about the ceremony..."
But Lu Xie was determined. Not out of kindness, but out of a sudden, competitive obsession. She would win this.
Lu Xie grabbed Valia's arm enthusiastically. She shook it violently, her grip surprisingly strong.
"A party?! I LOVE parties!"
She screamed right in his face, spittle flying.
"My Big Sister Lela goes nowhere without me! And Trisha! And also my three pet cockroaches!"
She held up three fingers.
"Mei Mei, Wei Wei, and Pei Pei! We eat a lot! Do you have enough food for 50 people? Oh, and I should warn you... I tend to projectile vomit when I get excited! It gets everywhere!"
Lu Xie ranted on in the most undignified way possible, discarding the grace of a young lady and embracing the persona of a village idiot.
Valia was repulsed. Unable to bear Lu Xie's erratic behavior and the thought of cockroaches at his prestigious ceremony, he subconsciously shoved Lu Xie's hands off his arm. His expression twisted into something ugly.
"Get off me!"
However, he quickly forced a fake smile back onto his face as he remembered Lela was still watching. He swallowed his anger forcefully, though a vein throbbed on his forehead.
"Junior Sister Alia..." he said, his tone strained.
"You must carry yourself with dignity. You cannot just grab a Lord's arm like that."
He dusted off his sleeve where she had touched him.
"And again, it is a Ceremony, not a party. It is exclusive. So I can only invite very few people. Your Martial Guide will suffice."
He gritted his teeth.
"I will treat you to something nice later. As well as your three pet cockroaches... and even your three thousand ant friends if you like. Just... stay home."
Lu Xie stared at him. 'This guy is impossible. He's immune to shame AND annoyance?'
"Then I would have to decline," Lela suddenly spoke up.
Her voice was cool, calm, and final.