Hoshi's point of view
It's almost August.
Sometimes I can't stop thinking about how quickly time flies. In a month, it'll already be a year since Nikko bumped into me on the crossing, and we started talking. Now we're together, and his presence and care is healing me, my wounds from the past.
But the past is cursed. When you already start forgetting it, it comes back and finds you when you're the most vulnerable.
The day Nikko left for an exchange programme to Korea, a message from my ex-girlfriend immediately struck my dm's.
I answered, and suddenly I'm back in the past, back one year ago when everything was falling apart. All the memories of her, of us started coming back, until I eventually agreed to meet her.
Today feels exceptionally hot. The sun is burning on my modestly tanned skin, salty sweat beginning to drip down my forehead and back. It's all soaking into my black T-shirt.
Walking through the crowded streets to the restaurant she picked, I feel slightly faint. Stumbling, I can't believe what I'm doing. I would have never expected to voluntarily meet my ex again, especially because of just how quickly after our break up I realised how mean she was, the ghastly attitude she was treating me with.
My palms begin to sweat too, but it's certainly not from the heat. The stress, the heavy feeling in my chest that makes it so challenging to breathe properly is what makes my sweat glands work on 200 percent more than usual.
Suddenly, passing thousands of tourists in the tourist peak isn't as easy this time as it always used to be.
I keep stumbling amongst the many people. I'm being solely in my head, way too self-conscious to perceive the surroundings, as the memories of a year ago start taking over me. They suddenly feel so vivid.
"Your thighs are kind of chubby, don't you think?" The moment returns to me, my exe's words sounding loud in my head. I remember how we were lying on the couch, watching our favourite tv-show. It was already night, and I was fresh after training when she traced patterns on my leg and said this. She knew about my insecurities, even eating disorders, but commented anyway.
"Hoshi, you're being awkward, just keep silent." Other words sound louder, as I am seeing the moment right in front of me. It was a fancy dinner with her friends. Delicious food, quality wine,... She fancies expensive restaurants. I was very nervous about it, but tried to make a good impression on the people that are apparently important to her. I was still rather shy and held back most of the time, until after some time the tense in me finally fell. That was the moment when she hissed these words into my ear.
And that's not all. Her voice keeps sounding in my thoughts, reminding the most painful moments.
"It doesn't matter that you like baking with me, I'm not gonna waste my time on it."
"You should cut your hair, this hairstyle makes you look chubby."
"You're too tanned, it looks like dirt."
The sweet voice repeating all these words that used to hurt me is now messing with my weakened senses.
Suddenly, my vision begins to smudge, "Gimme those glasses, you're not some high school nerd, are you?" and I have to sit down.
What do you want from me? I ask her in my head. Why were you with me when I made you sick?
Now, as if she could talk to me, she answers. It sounds almost like a siren luring me to her lies, "Because I love you baby." and it haunts the last bits of my consciousness.
"I love you l-o-v-e y-o-u. Love you, baby." Sounds again and again, again, the letters merging with nothingness that fills my mind.
I snap back into reality, and register how quickly I'm breathing. I take a deep inhale.
People are turning heads to me, but I don't care right now. I need to calm down.
Eventually I decide to call Aito.
"Yo, what's up?" he answers with his usual, nonchalant tone.
Before answering, I hesitate for a moment. "I'm fucked up."
"What?" Aito asks with a slight confusion.
"It's Yari. I'm about to meet her but it's all getting to me now, and I feel awful." I say, expressing how my past is haunting me, now that I'm about to face it. I myself cannot explain why I feel this horrible, when last summer I used to see her almost everyday. Our relationship may have been falling apart, but I never felt nervous around her.
Aito tihnks for a few seconds before answering."Maan, I still don't know why you decided to go meet her again in the first place. After all she's done to you?" A while of silence fills the call. "... Look, you can still text her and say you won't come."
"Aito I'm not a dick." I retort immediately.
"She deserves it though."
"… Shit, you're right." I scold, realising I should've listened to him when he told me not to meet her earlier. " I'll text her and tell her I had to-" I stop mid sentence, as I behold something, or more like someone before me.
"huh?"
It's Yari.
"She's here…" I gulp, so loudly that he must've heard it on the call.
"What?!" He exclaims.
"And she's walking towards me! I'll call you later!" I immediately end the call.
Panic tries to take over me, so I quickly shake my head and smile back at Yari - my ex. What an unfortunate coincidence…
She's walking towards me, confidently, as always. Her tall figure is claiming the road as her fashion mole, the tapping of her classy heels almost louder than the traffic.
Her expression says it all. The compulsive smirk and narrowed eyes, lined with a dark eyeliner sharply gazing in mines.
Long, black hair tied in a high ponytail flying behind her, like the tail of a black panther. Even her clothes - tight, dark, elegant scream agile and unyielding. Her aura is making me shake.
"Hey, Hoshi." Yari greets me, and takes me into a hug. She's always been very physical.
"Hey…" I answer, a sign of hesitation in my voice, as I can only focus on when this hug finally ends. It feels oddly uncomfortable, considering how I was feeling because of meeting with her just a while ago.
We part, and our eyes again meet each others' again. With heels, she's the same height as me, if not taller.
I want to admit within myself that I don't like her, but then, "I missed you." she smiles, and it evocates something inside of me. As if I saw her smile for the first time again. The neat smile, sweet like sugar or honey.
It was the one part of her that I always used to cherish. From the very lovely beginning, to the harshest end. Even though we were like on a roller coaster, her crimson lips, the warmt of her smile always gave me a feeling that at least for a while, it's okay, that maybe our relationship is not that bad.
"Yeah…" I answer after a while. "I missed you too." I smile, speaking with a little less hesitance now.
So eventually, this one minor thing was enough for me to get pulled back onto the emotional roller coaster. Except for now just as friends.
We walk together to a modern bistro with reviews worth a Michelin. The place is really scpacious, design-wise rather colourful and playful.
Discovering restaurants and eating was one of the few things that we both loved doing together.
We would go to special places, and eat professional dishes all the time. We sometimes even visited culinary exhibitions, yet still, sometimes finding a restaurant was sometimes pretty difficult.
Yari prefers expensive and very elegant places, which I genuinely enjoy too, but whenever I wanted to visit something more authentic and free, she would be really annoyed. Looking back at it, it shouldn't have bothered me, because I was the one to pay for it every time anyway.
However we choose a cozy place along the windows. Yari sits down, already knowing what she will order. I, on the other hand, take my time, but eventually choose some cheese pasta, as it never disappoints.
I look up from the menu, and scoff. "You're not going to make me pay for you today too, will you?"
She laughs too."Don't worry, maybe next time."
Next time? Why does she assume there will be next time? I ask myself, when the waiter comes to take our order.
After some time, moving on from one topic to another, Yari says this: "So, Hoshi. I've heard you date someone. A boy." She inclines, giving a special tone to the word boy.
"How do you know?" I frown suspiciously. There's no way she could know about it unless… "Did Aito dish it out to you?" I ask.
"No," she laughs. "a friend of mine knows your boyfriend, he told me."
"A friend?" I inquire. Does that mean that Nikko told somebody, even though we sort of strictly decided not to make it official yet?
"Yeah. So, how do I understand it? Are you gay now?" Yari asks, regardless of the waiter coming with our food. The poor guy doesn't know what to say, clearly not wanting to disturb such an intimate conversation, so he just puts the plates on the table and leaves.
"Yari, you could've waited to ask that…" I note down, slightly embarrassed. "No, I don't regard myself a gay. I think I'm a bisexual."
"That's a little bit insatiable, don't you think so?" She says, while taking photos of her food.
"What do you mean?" I frown slightly, not quite understanding her comment.
"Like, you cannot just choose one, can you? You have to have both because you don't know what else to try." Yari states with a disgusting seriousness.
Unfortunately I cannot say I'm surprised by her take…
I look at her, my expression neutral."That's not how it works though…"
She sighs. "Ah, don't give me that look again. It's just my opinion and you should respect it." Yari complains right away.
"Not when the opinion is stupid like that. Calling me greedy just because I don't mind one's gender doesn't make me a bitch." I roll my eyes.
"Yeah, whatever." she scoffs. "You for sure aren't "just bored" when not even a Japanese suffices you anymore."
"What are you saying? I'm not just experimenting, okay? I do love him." I look her in the eyes, giving her a severe look.
"I just don't think a man is right for you. Or I mean, more like a middle school boy from what I heard." she giggles, not hesitating a bit. "Yet on the other side, I cannot say the thought of you being… you know… gay, hasn't ever gone through my mind."
I'm not quite sure how to respond to this, so I just raise an eyebrow, indicating how confused I am about the'I cannot say the thought of you being gay hasn't gone through my mind' part.
Yari forms a smirk on her face. "You really don't know what I'm talking about? I mean, you're all into baking and skincare, you're always so shallow and emotional… that is pretty gay."
I just sigh, seriously not giving a shit about what she says anymore. "I don't know if you're realising this, but you're disrespecting me on a whole new level…"
It's only sad that when we were in a relationship, her behaviour was the same. Always haughty and insulting, but towards a person who was mentally really vulnerable.