Finding the great hall took a while because the founders apparently liked mazes and had turned their school into one! Now I could have asked the paintings for directions, but I figured I'd have to learn the lay of the land sooner or later so I stuck with it. One would think finding the main entrance would be easy though, not so much!
Still, once I got there it was fairly easy to locate the correct staircase and after going down it I found myself in a large well-lit hallway decorated on both sides with food-related art, bright orange banners, and some funny looking armors. I have to admit, I had expected badgers galore, but I suppose the famed humility of Hufflepuff house would prevent that even if it could be seen as their domain.
It took me a few minutes to locate what I thought was the right painting; it had a bowl of fruit roughly at the right high for a doorknob. "Okay… here goes nothing.
I "tickled" the pear.
It giggled.
I feel strangely violated…
The pear "wiggled" a bit and then shifts into the shape of a doorknob.
"CGI eat your heart out." I murmured to myself before smiling ruefully to myself. Here I am, being impressed by a doorknob. I felt like it should be a euphemism for something.
I chuckled helplessly at myself before shaking myself and focusing. I had stuff to do and food to eat. I opened the painting. I let out an involuntary gasp at the wave of hot fragrant air that hit me like a wall. It reminded me of some of the places I'd worked in my life.
My first impression of the room beyond was big, huge even; cavernous would not have been out of place as a descriptor. It was a tall high-ceilinged room that dwarfed the Great Hall above, likely by necessity. The first and most obvious feature in the room was the five great wooden tables arranged much like those I'd seen when I'd taken a quick peek into the hall above. And then there were the walls, every inch of them covered with gleaming kitchenware in all sizes and shapes, there were pots in there that looked big enough for me to take a bath in. Most of the stuff seemed to be made out of copper or brass by the looks of it. I didn't know enough to tell them apart. Spaced in between were countertops, giant brick ovens, and open fireplaces
And throughout the room… elves. A lot of elves.
Who all seemed frozen in place.
Staring right at little 'ol me.
Helloooo stage-fright, my old friend.
"Um… hi…" I wave hesitantly. God that was lame! I'm being lame in front of the house-elves. So this is rock bottom. Forget alcoholism and drug use, this is where it's at!
The elves were a diverse bunch; to say that they were dimorphic would be an understatement. Some of them looked kind of like what you see depicted in the movies and artwork – big floppy ears and large pointed nose, big eyes, etc. But that was not all, I saw some that looked like they had snouts, others had almost normal human-looking noses, others actually had hair! Never saw that before. One elf had a beard so large it covered his entire body from his nose down from view; he was bald as an egg otherwise. They were not quite as cartoony as the book made them out to be, or the movies for that matter. Though, their hands, feet, and heads did look a tad oversized on their stick figure bodies.
Incidentally, it was The Beard that decided to speak up first. "Student should not be in kitchen."
"Ah… sure… But, I'm not a student though. Not until fall, good elf." Oh god! That was super lame! Good Elf!? Who says shit like that!?
The elves looked at one another and a soft murmur of conversation floated through the air as they absorbed that nugget of information. After a few moments of conferring with some of the elves near to him, The Beard stepped forward again. "Why are you in kitchen?"
I shrugged. "I'm hungry."
That got me an excited murmur. Nice.
"I'm also looking to recruit," I added.
That got me a bunch of confused looks.
"Re-cruit?" Asked The Beard hesitantly.
"Yeah, I heard you guys sometimes join up with people and help them out. I figured I'd ask if anyone of you would be interested in chipping in while I'm here at Hogwarts. I'll need all the help." I said in a rush.
There was a bit of uneasy muttering before the Beard answered me. "Um, Hoggy elves are bound to Hoggy."
Goddamnit, not what I wanted to hear. "All of you, like from birth?"
The Beard shook his head. "No is when elf come of age."
I clamped down on a smile. Perfect! Thank you! "Do you happen to have any elves close to that age that might be willing to enter into my service, good elf?" I asked while beating my dork self over the head with a metal shovel. Why am I saying dorky stuff like that!?
Nothing happened for a few moments, the elves kinda just shuffled around, looking at one another uneasily and I began to feel a lump forming in my stomach. Did I push the wrong button? Go too far? FUUUUU! I did not want the house-elves on my ass. They run this effing place! And as one that works in retail, and have worked in restaurants, I know you don't fuck with the help. We will get revenge! Sweet delicious REVENGE! HAhah! Oh, what's happening?
There was an elf standing in front of me. Not The Beard. He wasn't quite as wrinkly as the others so I guessed he was young. He had hair, white, that stood up like he had engaged in intimate sexual activities with a lightning bolt. His ears were not big and floppy, but instead somewhat triangular and stood straight up, and his nose was not long and pointy, but sort of flat-ish? In combination with his dinner-plate-sized eyes, it made him look like one of those furless cats. If they'd had a baby with a human. It was less horrifying than I'd imagined. Still…
Freaky.
"Paddy volunteers." The possible crime against nature said.
"Paddy!" The Beard hissed causing the now named Paddy to flinch, but then he squared his shoulders and turned to The Beard and Glared. Oh-hoh, I'm I mayhap detecting some spirit in this little house elfe, if so then that was a good sight for the future. I'd always appreciated some good moxxie in the people I'm around. Made me all tingly.
"Paddy volunteers!" Paddy growled determinately trough cleansed teeth. Woah, definitely some bad blood there to. Didn't even think house-elves could growl. Better defuse this before I can't take advantage of it anymore. Time to make a good impression! Nice person mode is ON!
I knelt and laid one hand on the little elf's shoulder, feeling awkward as fuck, and gave him my best friendly smile. "I accept you into my service, Paddy. This will be great, you'll see."
Paddy smiled in return and stood a little straighter. "Paddy will be happy to serve!" He proclaimed proudly.
I'd have to teach this one how to talk properly. And a few other things… I had plans! But that was later. I had more important things to do now.
"So. Food. You have any chicken?"