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Chapter 33 - Chapter 33 Octo Ramen

Champion's Hold was alive.

Festival lights were strung across the narrow streets. It was a beautiful arrangement. There weren't any cars to worry about. All the streets were merely meant for walking. Some streets were bigger to accommodate more traffic as well as bigger pokemon.

However, I was in a very urban environment reminiscent of the streets of Japan. Tiled roofs and lips jutted out from the buildings. The lights were paper accordion like lamps with Kanji strung on them.

The implication was interesting. Did that mean one of the regions was Japanese? I think I remember a couple regions being based on Japan, I guess this might be confirmation. Language is something I've been a little confused about. I feel like I'm speaking English. Everyone else feels like they're speaking English. But given my foggy memories about such matters, how could I actually know any different if we weren't?

Dozens of shops and restaurants dotted the sides of the buildings. Wooden shutters could slide open and closed to signify whether they were open. They didn't have to worry about metal shutters to hang from the ceiling. There wasn't crime here. Or, at the very least, crime seemed to be punished very harshly. Or at least that was my guess considering how hush hush people seemed to be about it. It seemed like a tight knit community, so there didn't seem to be much to worry about.

I looked inside each little box of life.

There was a laundromat, where a Hitmonchan was struggling to fold clothes with its mit like hands. Next to it seemed to be a dance studio, where a Hitmontop was spinning furiously, competing with a Meinfoo that wore dozens of metal jewelry, the metal and jewels glittering majestically as the Meinfoo swirled around.

There was even a movie theater.

The building looked like a castle right out of Kyoto, but had massive posters strung down from the first floor.

One was titled Rocketman, and seemed to be a depiction of Champion Ash Ketchum against what I had to assume was Team Rocket.

The next one showed a poster of a child covered in dirt, smiling happily on top of a massive Nidorino. It was called King, and I couldn't begin to fathom what it was about.

There were plenty of others, some based around pokemon, others not. They seemed to be centered around design, rather than face recognition. Actually using beautiful and creative poster designs made me much happier than seeing floating heads. I wanted to stop and look at more posters, but we continued on. I could always come back at some other point.

Finally, we reached our destination. The building was a stout two story shop. Red poles decorated the outside and interior. There were intricate golden dragons carved on the outside of the poles, climbing towards the sky.

There were several plants inside.

The front sliding doors were open, but there was a small curtain that hung down from the doorway. The curtain stopped at above my waist, and was sliced in two so that you could walk through the middle, parting the curtains easily.

The design on the curtain was an Octillery holding a Remoraid like a cannon. Out of the Remoraid's mouth shot streams of noodles.

We'd finally arrived at Oak's favorite ramen shop in all of Champion's Hold.

Oak went up to the hostess, asking for a table for two. I enjoyed the sights, while also keeping an eye on Myst. The fox was sniffing the red paint on the poles, for reasons unknown, and continued on towards the golden dragons.

I had to stop him from sinking his claws into the posts, and opted to simply lift him up to the golden dragon carvings. No need to let him destroy public property simply to climb a post and sniff something. If he couldn't stop himself from wanting to smell everything, I could help him not destroy the cute little ramen shop.

We were seated in the back corner, near a small aquarium tank.

However, rather than any pokemon inside, there were small wooden or plastic figurines of pokemon.

A small red Magicarp, a little bigger than a peanut, swam along from some mechanism that made its tail flop about randomly. There were also Lumineon, Basculin, and other fish pokemon with the same miniaturized forms. There were two clamperl figurines too, opening and closing along the bottom of the aquarium.

My eyes immediately drifted to the crown pieces of the aquarium. A Gyarados and Milotic, each moving with a beautiful grace. They were each smaller than a gardener snake, but seemed to be able to swim around the aquarium without hitting the walls.

I had no idea how they managed to create such intricate figurines, but I guess if Porygon have broken levels of processing, it couldn't have been too hard. They probably maximized efficiency on literally all kinds of mechanical engineering.

Huh. I wonder if that's how pokeball tech was made. Not by a man, but by a pokemon. Interesting.

"So, Red, I think you've led me on long enough. What gives?" Oak asked, sitting down on the side of the table facing away from the aquarium.

I guess he meant the simulation breaking.

"Oh I don't know. I just don't know if I'm ready for that kind of relationship. Besides, you're a renowned professor, and my sponsor?! What would your colleagues think?"

Oak stared forward, deadpan, as if the only thing holding him back from strangling me was an audience. He then rolled his eyes, glancing at all the other patrons. Or as I like to call them, potential witnesses.

I laughed. "Okay. So basically, you see this little fucker here?"

I pointed towards Myst. He'd been given a booster seat, one you might see given to a baby, but a little more accommodating for small pokemon with quadrupedal tendencies.

He had his front two paws on the table, in a display of terrible manners, and was entranced by the Gyarados and Milotic figurines dancing in the aquarium.

"Yes. Ancient Zorua of unknown power and mystique." Oak replied.

"Exactly. Well yesterday, as soon as I mentioned that you were gonna make us trek all the way to the top of the Volcano, Myst here decided that the Volcano should be the target for his apparent colossal distaste of cardio."

I stopped as one of the waitresses walked forward with a large thick placemat. I couldn't help but smile. I guess they were used to this kind of thing.

"Myst, keep your grubby paws off the table for a second. The lady doesn't want you to scratch it."

Myst grumbled, but followed suit. In seconds he was back to watching the aquarium figurines, but there was no longer any risk of him scratching the table.

Oak stuck his hand out, gesturing for me to continue.

"Nope. That's it. Myst wanted a mountain to die, and he might have actually succeeded. Apparently the simulation broke before he could finish."

I would keep my theories on the link between Myst's powers and black holes to myself for now. I still had to do a lot of thinking before I was confident enough to bring that sort of thing up with an actual scientific mind like Oak. Besides, there were still too many risks involved. I hadn't actually gotten to know Oak well enough to say for sure that he wouldn't try and kidnap Myst to study him.

Sure, he gave me two dope ass dragons and has been super helpful. But Myst is on a different level. That might incur different handling. Especially if my theories on Void energy being related to gravity have any actual weight to them.

Pun absolutely intended.

Myst might be the key to understanding a hell of a lot more about pokemon and their energies. I wouldn't let Oak take that away from me, even if the risk was small. So for now, I'd simply work on it on my own. I'll let Oak in once I fully trust him, or when I hit a wall in my studies.

That was the tough part of things like these. It was a big part in how I made decisions. If the potential of Oak being evil is only like two percent, but the consequences of him being evil are like twenty-five thousand bad units. Basically, if he is evil, then he could take all my pokemon to study, leave me in the dust outside of the walls to fend for my own, again, but without the help of Hurricane or anything. Substitute that with any other evil plan of equal shittiness. Then, you have ninety-eight percent chance he's not evil, and then he can help me with my theories, which account for at least 500 hundred good units. Multiply twenty-five thousand bad by two percent, and then five hundred good by ninety-eight percent, and the consequences of bad end up at fifty thousand, while the benefits of good end up at forty-nine thousand. Since the consequences outweigh the risks, I choose not to talk to Oak about black holes. I don't even know if they've discovered them here. With Porygon capabilities, I find that unlikely, but they've still got a shit ton of other things to be working on without worrying about space travel. Hell, for all I knew, there was a batch of Rayquaza or Deoxys that blew up any attempts at space craft as soon as they left orbit.

Yes. Those are arbitrary units that don't actually mean anything, and I made up all the numbers. But the point is, the consequences I consider to be bad and the benefits to what I consider to be good are way too close, so I'll stick with caution for now.

Tristan had speculated that the massacre on the training camp had a human mind behind it. While it was very unlikely it was Oak, it wasn't a possibility I could rule out. I couldn't think of any possible motivation he could have for that sort of thing, but him being in league with whoever did have something to gain isn't out of the picture either.

Fucking trust issues. And goddamn paranoia. They might keep me alive, but they sure made dealing with people less enjoyable.

I'd already died once. I couldn't remember why, when, or where. But something in my gut was making sure I didn't make the same mistake. No matter how trusting a face seemed.

"Horse shit. I saw your mind working. There's no way that's all you've got." Oak stated.

The tension seemed to rise as his calculating gaze met mine. Three months later, and we still were constantly assessing one another. Neither of us trusted that the other had let down their mask. It was a fun game, sometimes, but it was tiring at others.

The tension broke as the waitress came back with our waters. The ice cubes were shaped like little pokemon. Mine was filled with Cubchoo cubes. Oak had Eiscue cubes.

"Are you both ready to order?" She asked. She was wearing a cute red dress that went down to her knees. The v-cut was modest, and she wore golden bands along her forearms. Her nametag let me know her name was Lily.

Shit. I hadn't even looked at my menu yet.

Oak glanced up, giving the waitress a big smile. "I'll have my regular please."

Lily, the waitress, smiled back. "Tonkotsu ramen, with extra mushrooms?"

Oak grinned. "You know me so well."

"And you sir?" She turned to me.

"The same, with some Chicken Karaage on the side please" I said, noticing the fried chicken on the other side of the menu.

I'd been taught not to splurge when somebody else was paying, but Oak was filthy rich. And a dick. So I'm willing to make an exception.

"Of course. Your food will be right out." The waitress responded, giving us both a courteous nod before leaving.

And just like that, Oak's intense gaze returned with a vengeance. I couldn't help but feel like I was sitting opposite to Homelander, with him revving up his laser eyes, promising death if I didn't give him the answer he wanted.

"Oh cut it with the longing looks professor. The league can't afford another scandal." I said, idly sipping my water.

Myst seemed to finally notice the mental chess match, and had decided he wanted to join in. I don't know how, but he seemed to pick up on my thoughts on Homelander. His eyes began to glow an unhealthy red, and wisps of smoke and heat began to leak out of them.

"Fucking hell Myst. Not here. Not now." I said, noticing that even Oak was looking a little uncomfortable at the display.

Myst giggled, and sat back down in his booster seat, content.

I guess that answers it. In a powerplay between the experienced professor and a dimension traveling try hard, the winner is a tiny red and black fox. We simply couldn't compete.

Despite the small incident, Myst did succeed in cutting the tension.

"Alright Oak. I'll tell you. It's not what you think it is. The forest shook me up. Badly. I had a lot of close calls there. The simulation breaking just brought back a lot of dark memories. You don't know what I saw there." I offered.

The mental image of the green tendrils of giga drain sucking the life out of…

I shivered. A real shiver.

Oak's eyes softened up. "Alright Red. I've had my own share of shitty life experiences, so I won't pry. I can set up an appointment with a specialist if you'd like. You also have the option to do it yourself, given your status as a sponsored trainer." He still seemed a bit skeptical, but wasn't sure enough to call me out on it.

And I wasn't lying either. Not completely. The forest really had fucked me up. Seeing a therapist might not be a terrible idea. But I still dodged the real point.

In favor of trying to be better. To heal emotional wounds, rather than bury them down, I offered up an olive branch. "Trauma aside, it really did get me thinking. Myst's illusions seem to work differently than I would have expected, and I've been wondering about the nature and origin of the powers that pokemon can wield."

Shit. I had tried to open up more, but my stupid scientific self just took it as an opportunity to get more information.

Oak's guard seemed to come back up. "Well, have you thought of anything conclusive?"

I shrugged and moved my head side to side. "Meh. More of a collection of random thoughts. I'm still working on tying everything together. Things like how the Starfallen Ivysaur could throw razor leaves through the shadows. How Zoroark can normally bend light, and people call those illusions. How Myst can make tangible illusions. Why void energy seems to react strongly with psychic and chaos pokemon, but fails to gain purchase on martial, other void, and fairy pokemon. Why bug, martial, and fairy attacks react violently with pokemon of the void. How Legendaries like Yveltal, who's mystique is tied around death, and Darkrai, who's lore is tied to dreams, fit into the picture. Basically, I need to come up with an explanation that explains everything that I've seen. Yet I keep running into walls."

I wouldn't mention that the gravity theory seemed to fit the bill pretty well. If Oak came to the same conclusion as me, given the same information, it might mean I'm actually onto something. If he simply accepted my idea, and jumped onto it, it wouldn't necessarily mean anything. Well, to be fair, usually it would mean nothing. But Oak was a renowned scientist. I might actually be able to trust him to think for himself.

Fun fact. Scientists know what gravity does. They still haven't quite proven why yet. Sure, there are plenty of theories. Some say it's a pull. Others say it's the curvature of space-time, dependent on mass and energy. General relativity. Einstein.

Now here's a theory that you probably haven't heard.

Gravity isn't a pull. It's a push. Basically, everything in the Universe pushes up against each other. Those little atoms, the gas molecules in space, are generally in a steady state since they all push against each other. However, given the random particle interactions, sometimes enough matter bunches up enough to actually create something. Then, when it actually solidifies, it becomes a piece of the Universe that doesn't push up against everything around it.

So, everything else around it seems like it's attracted to it, but it's actually just the only direction that isn't pushing against everything else.

Imagine you're in an airplane. Poke a hole, all the air is sucked towards that hole.

Pressure and gravity basically work in an opposite way. A planet would be the same as the hole in the airplane. The air in the cabin of the airplane was content, simply sitting around. Everything was pushing against each other, making the pressure level out. Every bit of the airplane cabin has essentially the same level of air.

Then, when you poke a hole, the outside air has a much lower pressure than the air in the cabin. Everything in the Universe is always trying to reach a steady state. To equalize. So the air rushes outside, because it wants… no. It needs the pressure on both sides of the airplane walls to be the same pressure. You poke a hole on an airplane, air rushes out. You poke a hole in a submarine, water rushes in. Water was the higher pressure, so this time it's the water's job to equalize the pressure.

The more matter that makes up a planet or star, the bigger "hole" in space it is. So the push towards the planet, namely since the planet doesn't push back out into space, just like everything else, gets stronger the bigger it is.

I'm not going to go into inertia and everything, which is why shit can orbit other shit, as I don't think it's relevant here.

Anyway, that's one theory that should let you understand what some people from my time might have considered as an explanation for the weird force that makes apples fall from trees. This one has been disproven since a pushing force would make acceleration exponential, rather than a constant acceleration which equates to an exponential velocity, which is what we observe. So everything above is useless. But thinking about things in new ways is always fun. Personally, my favorite gravity theory is the curvature of space-time, although it still feels like an oversimplification.

As for how this relates to void types. Well, gravity is pretty directional, due to the nature of planets and stars. Hence, you get "pulled" towards the center of mass. But if void types can harness gravity however the hell they want, they wouldn't be burdened by such linear constraints. That would rely on gravity acting as both particles and waves, which it does, but that void types would be able to manipulate those factors independently.

If void types create a force of gravity, completely separate from Earth's natural gravity, but on a different wavelength, that could explain a lot. Kind of like a harmony. Made up of many different frequencies of sound.

Dark types might be able to manipulate and create a different wavelength of gravity. Creating a singular web of gravity with the sole purpose of shifting light around a spot could very well explain a Zoroark making the camp "invisible". Dark types as powerful and smart as Myst could make entire fucking symphonies. Hence, reality bending bullshit.

I really needed to test this. If any of this was true, talking to void specialists just might be the most interesting thing I ever do. Well, that was implying that the other kinds of energies pokemon use wouldn't have just as interesting secrets. Boy was I glad to be back in civilization to actually be able to try and start finding answers to these questions.

Oak spoke up. "Other professors have had the same questions. Personally, as somebody who has studied void energy a lot, as it is a psychics greatest adversary, I have my own theories. That'll have to wait for another day, though. Today, I wanted to explain to you how the simulation works. If you want to progress in the battle tower, you'll have to get used to such things."

Once again, our conversation was cut off as the waitress arrived. In her hand was a tray, steaming bowls of ramen and a side dish of chicken on top.

After saying our thanks, I blew on the top of the ramen to cool it down.

"So what. The upper floors of the battle tower aren't even real battles? They're all simulated?" I asked.

Oak nodded. "Alright Red. Here's a test. Why do you think higher level battling is simulated?"

My eyes lit up. Okay. This could be fun. If I was a high level trainer, why would I want my battles to be virtual? And why would I want my battles as a younger trainer to be physical?

I guess physical battles really help improve a pokemon's durability and reaction speed. Their reflexes must be honed through actual danger. You probably wouldn't get the same kind of results if a pokemon only ever battled in a virtual environment, where it couldn't actually get hurt.

Wait. If the simulation was able to process data like wind on my skin, it clearly could simulate nerve responses. Pain was one of those. Maybe simulated pain could create weird bouts of trauma, especially if a pokemon only ever got injured in the virtual environment?

Or maybe, those pain responses could only be simulated after actually having experienced it in the real world. Maybe the program was limited to experiences that had already been logged by your brain, and couldn't create new ones.

That had a whole host of other problems. Like if you had to simulate the pain that an attack a pokemon had never been hit before would feel like. Actually there was a whole mess of how coding attacks would be.

Maybe they just eliminated the pain element all together? Hence, if you trained a pokemon completely virtual, it might be completely nuts. After all, if attacks had never hurt it in all of its training, why would it ever bother dodging them?

Wow. Did evil organizations train up suicidal pokemon through the virtual environment? I didn't know if moves like self destruct were actually lethal, but if they are I don't know how you could ever teach a pokemon how to do it without virtual training.

I'm getting off track here.

High level trainers. ACE. Elite Four. Gym Leaders.

Okay. So to my knowledge, I could challenge the Champion if I beat all of the Elite Four. This world was very capitalistic. Those battles would probably be crazy advertised. It could bring up plenty of money for the league, which if possible, would always be done.

However, as an evil organization, the best time to attack a region would probably be right after its two strongest trainers just exhausted their teams.

Hence, virtual battle means your pokemon don't actually get exhausted or hurt. I guess that's also a very important point.

Despite pokemon battling being glorified dog fighting rings, people here weren't completely sadistic and insane. Once you trained your pokemon to be powerful, it made sense that people wouldn't want their companions to be putting their lives on the line. Especially for something as terrible as a simple sport.

Maybe, in this world, pokemon were only ever used in wars. That could make sense. Then, an entire culture would be drummed up where befriending pokemon and training them to fight was many people's life goals. Leaders of entire regions would be decided by who had the most powerful pokemon.

Now, centuries or maybe even millenia later, all the land is pretty well defended. Pokemon like Dragonite serve as effective nuclear deterrents. One powerful Draco Meteor could probably level a city.

If every single region has trained up their military in any sort of smart manner, they easily could have bred incredibly powerful pokemon. Smart people could do a hell of a lot given a couple years. A couple centuries, yeah there's no way in hell somebody didn't capitalize on the opportunity. If my mind went there after a couple seconds, yeah I can be confident that every single region has the firepower to destroy every populated city in the world several times over.

So maybe I'm taking this from the wrong angle. Maybe pokemon battling isn't a sport because people love to see death and destruction. Sure, I bet that's why it's still around, but I wonder if they started it because of the pokemon.

With war as a very real possibility, training pokemon to be as destructive and bloodthirsty as possible was very viable. I'd heard enough stories about dragon trainers ruling the world that it was pretty obvious. A trainer that trained their pokemon to be fucking menaces would almost certainly win in any kind of fight against somebody who trained their pokemon based on friendship.

Let that kettle stew for a couple centuries, there was probably a breaking point where pokemon were too violent to live in a peaceful world. Even if that peace was as fragile as wet paper, and built on mutual destruction.

Hence, battling for sport. Just to let the pokemon have an outlet for the violence we had ingrained into their DNA. Battling for sport was better than having the pokemon turn on you, nerves too riled up from being cooped up in lackadaisical scouting runs and sentry jobs.

Pokeballs effectively put a pokemon in stasis. They ceased to exist once reduced down to data. But temporary solutions only last so long.

I remember Oak had said that the pokemon of the real world had been dulled down. Their senses and fighting instincts suppressed. That's why Starfall was dangerous. How long has there been peace in the "real world"? Could that explain why pokemon had their instincts dulled? Or was it something else?

What made Starfall different? Whatever. Thoughts for later.

"Okay Oak. There's got to be a least a dozen reasons why simulated battles are way better than physical battles. Well, I mean, that's conditional on the simulation being as ridiculously amazing as it is. From avoiding vulnerability when important figures have battles, to avoiding destruction of infrastructure, as well as numerous ethical concerns, even for sheer convenience, simulated battles seem far better than physical battles." I replied.

I finally looked over, noticing that Oak had almost finished his ramen. Mine, on the other hand, had lost its warm steam. I had spent too much time thinking, my food was starting to get cold. Plus, most of my chicken had already been eaten by Myst.

I dug in, working to amend that. The ramen had a rich texture, with the broth having a wonderful earthy flavor to it. The Karaage was delicious, and the spicy mayo accompanying it added a nice flair to the fried chicken. The little that was left, that is.

In the meantime, Oak had begun his own explanation.

"Spot on. When Champion Lance had a mock battle with Champion Alder to drum up support for Unova's new international teleportation system, there was a terrorist attack on many cities in both Kanto and Johto. They cut off any sort of communication between the stadium and the league, so the entire world watched as Lance and Alder battled, despite many key infrastructure and corporations getting raided all the while. Well, this wasn't actually the start of simulated battles you see." Oak leveled his spoon at me.

"They'd been around for years before that, but they didn't really grow in popularity until that incident twenty years ago. Noticing the glaring weakness, Leagues around the world poured tons of money into making the simulations good enough to use. The porygon and rotom teams made during those formative years eventually got to the point where they could simulate a battle between champions, where pokemon and champions alike could make split second decisions, utilizing their full strength, completely virtually. The system is so advanced now that they even have some incredibly intelligent Porygon able to run battles between trainers that live in different regions, with unnoticeable amounts of delay."

"Okay, so are the simulated battles the exact same as physical battles, or are there any different kinds of rules introduced by the new format?" I asked between bites, mouth still filled with food.

Oak seemed to figure out what I was trying to say, even though it had been muffled by the food in my mouth.

"Actually yes. Status conditions were introduced, as well as many different moves being changed to fit the format better. In fact, there are entire strategies that only work in the virtual environment. Basically, the spectator sport wasn't as fun when trainers with greater brute strength could trample everyone else with ease. Other rules were introduced to level the playing field."

My eyes lit up. Status conditions. Holy shit. What if Oak was about to describe competitive pokemon battling, the kind that I knew, based around the Gameboy, DS, and Switch. If he mentioned turn based attacking, I would throw up.

"You know, it's probably easier if I explain the foundations first. Pokemon are effectively in stasis while in the simulation, just like in a pokeball. Only their mind is active. This means, during a simu-battle, a pokemon is always at peak strength. They don't get tired. They don't get hurt."

Okay. Well that would have dozens of problems. A pokemon with insane speed but zero stamina would thrive in that sort of setting. A Hydreigon could throw out dozens of Hyper Beams without an ounce of difficulty. Wouldn't that make the gap between brute force kinds of pokemon and subterfuge and the like even greater?

Oak saw my confusion. "I see you already see some problems with that. It's not that simple in battles. But effectively, while in the simulation, pokemon are always at their peak. I'm sure you can see the benefits to training your pokemon in such an environment, while also seeing the drawbacks."

Yeah. I mean it would be really good for mastering techniques, but pokemon won't learn their limits. And if they were in stasis, they could never build up any more strength or speed. If the simulation kept them at their best, their best could never improve in such an environment.

"I told you before how Rotom teams assess a pokemon's aura. The porygon teams also assess the pokemon's biological data. After decades, this art has been nearly perfected. So they can find what a pokemon's limits are, with minimal error, just from initial analysis. That way, when a pokemon exceeds what their limits should be, in terms of stamina, they can know. In a battle, it means they are given the exhaustion status, which halves move speed and attack power."

Okay. Cool. That's a pretty good solution.

"Is the exhaustion status temporary or permanent?" I asked.

"Temporary. It can last up to several minutes. There are algorithms that decide how long the status lasts, depending on how much the limits were broken. You know what? This is a lot to explain. How about I just show you instead." Oak decided, pulling a pokeball from his belt.

Alakazam appeared in a flash of light, floating cross legged about a foot and a half from the floor, mustache bristling with power.

"There's a battle tonight in the Tower. Find us some good seats will you?"

Alakazam disappeared. There was no flash of disorienting pink light, like there usually was with teleport. Alakazam must have an incredible fine control over the move to do that.

"A battle?" I asked.

"Yep. It starts in half an hour, which happens to be how far of a walk it is." Oak replied, standing up.

Oak slapped his hand against his stomach. "Besides, walks are good for digestion."

Noticing me looking towards the waitress, Oak spoke up. "We don't have to worry about paying. Lily can bill me. I've had to make abrupt exits before. They'll know what to do."

I stood up, noticing that Zorua had turned into a dark ball of rage at the mention of walking. He didn't actually turn into anything this time. His eyes just seemed to be filled with fury, and his ears were bent back in rage.

"Do you want me to return you?" I asked.

The fox seemed to have other plans. Myst jumped up onto my back, curling into a ball on my right shoulder.

I followed Oak out, wondering what a simu-battle would look like. I hope I don't have to put on one of those blasted headsets again.

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