(Y/n)'s POV
I woke up in the morning, fed Blaze and immediately went to see Harry. We had plenty to discuss, and yesterday night we– No, I didn't get to say sorry. It wasn't fair for Harry or Ron to see me or hear me say that. Especially Harry.
Can't say I know a lot about his home situation, but I know enough to know it's bad, I don't know why, and I can also kind of guess that arguments like these make him feel uncomfortable.
I entered the Hospital Wing, going directly for Harry's bed, Madam Pomfrey wasn't in her usual place. There, I noticed that Colin's curtains were closed. I suppose that's fine, it disturbed me and I barely got to see him.
Harry was with Madam Pomfrey, who placed a tray with some food in it. The sight alone made my stomach rumble a bit, I came straight to Harry so I haven't actually eaten anything.
I approached him as Madam Pomfrey was leaving, I greeted her, and stood awkwardly next to Harry's bed.
He tried to move his arm a bit, but it looked like a robot while doing it. I would have laughed if I wasn't so nervous about what I wanted to say.
"H-Harry, I..." I felt Blaze shift on my shoulder. She looked at me, and I swear, whoever says lizards aren't intelligent creatures has never met Blaze. Her gaze gave me confidence, so I kept going.
"I'm sorry, Harry," My eyes on his arm, and tray, and everywhere except his face, "I shouldn't have run off after what happened with Hermione. I'm sorry I dragged you and Ron into my mess..."
"I-I don't know what came over me, I just... I really thought Hermione wouldn't say those things, especially not her, and I–" I forced myself to meet his gaze, and once I did, I noticed he was smiling, not in a mocking manner, but sympathetic.
"It's not your mess, not really," He said, I blinked at that.
"What do you mean?" I asked, a bit confused,
"You didn't force Hermione to say that. She's been acting weird for a while now. What happened just proves it. She shouldn't have said any of that." Harry sounded a bit angry when talking about it, but I didn't want our group to be broken apart for that.
Not because of my fault.
"Still... I shouldn't have avoided you or Ron," I said, shame twisting in my stomach, giving free space to embarrassment.
Harry kept quiet for a bit, and then looked away, "Yeah. That was weird, too." He paused for a bit, "I thought you were mad at us," His voice was uncertain, almost hesitant.
"What? No! Why would– No," I let out a deep sigh, "I just... I needed some time, I guess. I never thought Hermione would –" I let out another sigh. Was I in the wrong? Did me getting angry caused more troubles than anything?
"I get it," Harry said, "I wouldn't want Ron saying stuff like that to me either, I think I'd have snapped back even harder than you."
I swallowed, and looked down again, "I shouldn't have just avoided you," I said, "I should've talked to you guys," Harry gave a small shrug
"Maybe. But you're here now, I'm glad, for a moment I thought you were never going to talk to us again,"
It sounded simple, in a way, it was such a simple thing to say, but it made my chest feel a bit lighter, the anxiety vanishing slowly. A weight I didn't notice I was carrying being lifted. The guilt was still there, but Harry's support made me feel a bit better about it.
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, and rubbed my neck.
"So, are we... okay?" I asked, dubiously, slowly looking up to face him. Harry grinned, that familiar mischievous spark in his eyes. The one Dad always said reminded him of his father
"Yeah, we're okay. Besides, who else is going to help us with homework when Hermione won't?" His voice wasn't filled with that little bit of worryness, and the whole place felt lighter, too.
A smile tugged at my lips, and even if I tried to force it down, it wouldn't. Blaze seemed happy, too, as she flicked her tail around, I could swear she looked more pleased than ever.
"That 's nice." I said. He gestured me to sit down, and as I did, I suddenly felt how tired I was, and what I dreading this conversation did to my body. Anxiety is no joke...
My eyes landed on the breakfast tray, the one Madam Pomfrey brought Harry, and it was filled with many things. From an usual English breakfast, to– Oh, god, it even had pudding in it!
I tried to make my brain forget about it, and for a moment, I thought it worked, until I heard the tray move, as Harry was moving in the bed. Suddenly, the comfortable silence that was created after a really nice conversation was filled with another sound.
The rumble of my stomach cut through the seemingly quiet Hospital Wing, before I could stop it.
Harry burst out laughing, "Was that– Was that your stomach?".
"N-No?" I blurted out, there was no point in lying, even if I wanted, it was obvious it came from me. And I wasn't the most convincing fella.
"It sounded like a troll," He said, still laughing, "Didn't you eat?"
"I- I was in a bit of a hurry, y'know, wanting to apologise to one of my best friends!"
"And you call me reckless," he shoved the tray towards me, "Go on, then."
"You need it more than I do, Harry, you're on the hospital bed,"
"There's enough for both of us."
Reluctantly, I reached out for a toast, and as soon as it hit my mouth, I felt all the hunger I had in me that wasn't showing because of my nerves. Harry looked really happy.
"Was that so hard?" I swallowed,
"I hope you get hit with another Bludger," I mumbled, as I took another bite, he laughed.
After that, we sat in comfortable silence, chatting a bit as we ate, he asked me about Luna, and he told me what they were up to, until the dreaded question was asked.
"So. You ready to talk to them?" My whole body got tense again, and I felt the anxiety bubbling up.
"No, I think Ron won't mind what happened, but I kind of have to talk to Hermione, don't I? Even if we don't make up, I still have to help you guys."
"Ron was mad at Hermione for a bit, but those two are always at each other's throats." He lowered his voice as he kept going, "Anyway, there's a problem with the potion,"
"Oh, well... there's always problems"
"Yeah, some ingredients we've got no way of getting them safely, we're going to have to nick them from Snape's office."
I frowned, "That doesn't sound so bad."
"The potion takes a month to make,"
I slumped back in my chair, "Great."
"Yeah... but it's the best we've got at proving Malfoy's behind all of this,"
"You really think it's him?" I wanted to believe it, but... when have things gone that easy for us?
"I want to believe it," I continued, "I don't want any more attacks, but... I don't know, it feels too easy, in a way,"
"I dunno, Malfoy's a git, but he's not that subtle, if he was the behind it he'd be bragging about it, but it's the best we've got"
That made the silence the main thing in the room, after that, we both focused on eating, we were more hungry than we let on to, and for the first time in what felt like days, with the exception of the times I spent with Luna, things felt normal again.
Harry told me Madam Pomfrey told him he was ready to go.
And even though we haven't said anything too deep, I felt lighter.
We'd be okay. Time for the thing I dreaded the most.
—-----------------------------------------------------------------
Can't believe I'd say this, but fighting the troll last year was less stressful than this. At least that time I didn't feel this amount of anxiety, this knot in my chest that made it a bit hard to breathe.
Harry and I had stopped by the Gryffindor Tower before coming here, he had to change, I didn't notice he was still in his pajamas, and he took the chance to ask Percy where Ron and Hermione were. But I already had a feeling where they were.
Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
As Harry and I stood before the door, he looked at me, as if checking how I was. Once again I was reminded of how easily readable I was, or maybe my friends just knew me that well.
I was having a bit of trouble breathing, but I nodded to him and he went ahead. I lingered for a moment there, taking my time to make my breathing more stable. I could feel the anxiety creeping in me, climbing its way to every part of my body.
But if I stood there, drowning in what I was feeling, the anxiety, the tension, I would never start moving. I felt Blaze shifting uncomfortably in my shoulder, I could guess why, she never liked damp places, and this bathroom was really damp.
I took this moment of distraction to take a quick breath, and follow Harry.
As I was going in, I could see a bit of steam coming out of one of the cubicles, and saw Harry, in it, I followed him, nervously. I could feel myself walking weirdly, or maybe it was my nerves making me feel that, I don't know.
I got closer, and saw Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Just seeing her made me almost stop, and made the knot in my chest worse. They were looking at where a toilet should be, but in its place, there was a cauldron. I suppose they already started the potion.
They were talking about his arm, I think. I couldn't really hear correctly, all the words were blurred together. Nerves. I forced them down with a swallow.
Harry cleared his throat, I guess to clear the obvious tension growing.
"Ran into (Y/n) on the way here," He said. Honestly, there was another reason I didn't like coming here.
Just walking outside of this place reminded me of the feeling I got when Hermione said those– those stupidities. Just being outside made me feel anxious, being inside made me feel even worse, like I was stuck in something.
Ron was the one who looked up first, and with a mix of a smile and a bored face, talked.
"Took you long enough," He said, with a lighthearted tone, it made me feel a bit better, but not for long.
I glanced at Hermione, expecting – or rather, hoping for her to say something, to say anything,
But she didn't, not a single word, not even a look, she stood slouched there, she just stirred the potion.
I thought that the fact of her doing that would make it easier, but somehow, it hurt more.
"We're ahead of schedule," Said Hermione, glancing up, not at me, but to the others, breaking the silence apparently only I was feeling, "Still, it needs time, and we still need to get a few ingredients,"
Once again, I waited for her to say something, but no words were said, at least not verbally.
No words.
No glances.
Nothing.
She wasn't exactly ignoring me, but rather, she was acting like the whole deal was settled. Done. Like I was the one who needed to move on.
I felt a lump in my throat, but I pushed it down.
Blaze curled up in my shoulder, I reached to run my finger through her scales, to make her feel more at ease, and to calm me. I took a deep breath, and spoke.
"Harry told me you guys needed to nick something from Snape's private cupboard. I think I can distract him enough for you guys to do it." It came out smoothly, no stutter, at least something wasn't falling apart.
Ron's eyebrows shot up,
"You? Distract Snape?" I guess I could understand his doubts, I wasn't the most talkative.
"Yeah, I could ask him about the lessons he's teaching me, ask him about something troubling me, I-"
"You don't have to do that," Hermione cut me off, not with her usual voice, but with a sharper tone than when she was talking to Harry and Ron. My jaw clenched.
Now she was acknowledging me. Not like I wanted her too.
"Someone has to," I said, and I could feel a bit of bitterness in my words, they left a taste I didn't like in my mouth, "It's not like Snape's going to leave his cupboard wide open for you,"
I didn't mean to come out like that, but I guess some things can't be hidden.
She didn't argue back, didn't even look at me, just kept stirring that bloody cauldron.
The anxiety I was feeling was slowly twisting into frustration, because I knew Hermione, she wasn't the kind to just let go of things. I've seen many, many times how she argued with Ron for the silliest of things. But now? She wasn't.
It was like she wasn't even bothering herself with me, like I wasn't worth it. And all I could feel when I glanced towards her was this gaping distance between us, words that wouldn't be said.
I wanted to talk to her about it, that I felt it, that I hated it, that I didn't want things to be like this, I didn't want the whole room to feel like it was suffocating me. I wanted to say something so that she finally looked at me.
But I didn't.
All the words were only left in my thoughts, stranded in the deep sea of my mind, being left to drown.
Because I felt that, even if I did, she wasn't going to acknowledge it, acknowledge me. She wasn't going to argue about it, she was going to keep being stubborn, keep believing she was right. It wouldn't make a difference if I talked to her about it, she wouldn't continue it.
If she wanted to pretend like it was settled, to ignore me, then fine. I could ignore her too, I could ignore it.
Harry kept on telling them about Colin, which they already knew, apparently Professor McGonagall told them, and about Dobby, and everything that he had told us, he also mentioned Luna.
"Who's Luna?" Asked Hermione, too quickly, which was weird, before I could even answer it, Harry answered for me.
"It's (Y/n)'s friend, I thought you'd be more interested in what Dobby said about the Chamber," He sounded confused, and for a second – a brief second, I thought Hermione glanced at me.
Her face was unreadable, and as fast as that expression got to her face, it was gone. Frankly, as of now, I don't think I cared that much.
"Oh, right, the Chamber of Secrets has been opened before?" She continued,
"This settles it," Said Ron, as if he was proud he was right, "Lucius Malfoy must've opened the Chamber when he was at school, and now he's told dear old Draco how to do it. It 's Obvious. Wish Dobby'd told you what kind of monster's in there, though. I want to know how come nobody's noticed it sneaking around school."
"I don't know, Ron," I intervened, "Wouldn't you think that if it was Malfoy, he'd be bragging all around the place? He's kind of a show off."
"His dad must've told him to keep quiet, it's not something you'd want to have going around school," He said, I guess in a way it made sense? Not like we had a better lead.
"Maybe it can make itself invisible," Added Hermione, without saying her opinion to what I just said, "Or maybe it can disguise itself – pretend to be a suit of armour or something. I've read about Chameleon Ghouls..."
"Can't be, I've read about them too, and they can't petrify people, unless it's a new species." I shut down Hermione's idea, and once again, she didn't say anything, but did look vaguely annoyed.
So that's how it's going to be, she's just going to ignore whatever I say, and not even recognize I'm here.
Fine. I can do the same
If so... then why does my chest hurt so much every time she does it?
Friendships are so... complicated.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------
On Monday morning, everyone knew that Colin was petrified, and rumours were spreading about who did it and who would be next. Malfoy was gloating, saying that all Muggle-borns should be prepared. I had to really keep it together to not do anything.
I spent more time with Harry, Ron and Hermione, though she was still not acknowledging me. I mainly talked to the other two, and when I had to talk to her, I would keep it short. Most of the time she wouldn't answer me directly. It was infuriating.
The times I was with Luna were more quiet, though, because they were, I could hear all everyone was whispering about, how I ran out of the Great Hall the night before Colin was found petrified. Still, being with her made me feel calmer, and not even once felt judged. We talked about anything she wanted to talk about, and her bluntness made me open my eyes to many things.
In the beginning of the year, I was being eaten internally because of all those stupid rumours, now? I barely even heard them. Doesn't mean they didn't affect me, but at least I could associate it to background noise and not be disturbed as much. I suppose I got to thank Luna for that.
That didn't stop Ron or Harry from shutting down some of the rumours that were going around the Common Room, at least that made them stop in the Gryffindor Tower.
Ginny looked particularly disturbed about the whole deal. Apparently, she sat next to Colin in Charms, it must hurt to see one of your friends stuck like that. They seem like they're dead.
I wanted to tell her that things were going to be fine, that Professor Dumbleore was going to do something to cure Colin, but I didn't get the chance to.
Every time we had free time we were making the potion, and I had even less time because of Professor Snape's Legilimency lessons, and Professor Flitwick's lessons, who started to give some new material on dueling.
Talking about the potion, we were forced to stop, it was time we got half the ingredients that were missing. And that meant only one thing.
"What we need," Said Hermione, looking at Ron and Harry, "is a diversion. Then one of us can sneak into Snape's office and take what we need."
She seemed to be deep in thought, "I think I'd better do the actual stealing, you three" First time she's acknowledged me in days, "will be expelled if you get in any more trouble. I've got a clean record. So all you need to do is–" I cut her off this time.
"I already said it, I'll distract Snape. I've got a pretty good excuse." She seemed to want to say something, but didn't and simply sighed. I guess that means she finally agreed to it.
The fact she didn't say a thing made my chest hurt. But I said nothing.
Was I wrong? Maybe. I didn't care a lot.
We finally had Potions, a class that was taken in one of the largest – if not the largest Dungeon. The place was damp, but not as damp as the greenhouses for herbology, so it was alright.
I saw from the corner of my eye Hermione whispering something to Harry and Ron, so, I started what I needed to do. I reached for Blaze, petted her scales to ground myself, and started walking towards Professor Snape.
He looked at me, made a snarl, like he was annoyed, and with his usual snarky voice, spoke.
"Need anything, (L/n)?" His voice was full of boredom.
"Uh, yes, Professor, actually..." I got a bit closer and whispered, "I've been having problems keeping my, uh... mind closed, it's been worse ever since the attack," This seemed to take a bit of boredom out of his face, "C-Could you help me a bit?"
"I suppose you're not as talented as everyone thinks you are. Very well, stand still, I'll force your mind to be clos–"
"A-Actually, can we do it outside? I-It's kind of embarrassing to do it here, I don't want people to think I'm more of a freak than they already think." I thought he was going to refuse, I sucked at lying and improvisation, thankfully, this was half truth, I've been having problems.
Surprisingly, he actually agreed. With an exasperated sigh, Snape gestured to me to follow him out of the dungeon.
"If you've been struggling, that means you haven't practiced on your own," When I didn't say anything, he continued, with a disappointed tone in his voice, though, that wasn't much different from usual, "Of course..."
"N-No! I have practiced, it's just... harder, as of late,"
"You are letting your emotions cloud your focus. It is no excuse, a true Legilimens must be able to master Occlumency as well, under any circumstances,"
Occlumency, the magic to make your head unreadable against Legilimency, or close it so that you aren't snooping where you weren't called, he was teaching me both.
Though, I was better at Legilimency, I think. In Snape's words, my Occlumency was somewhat instinctual, that's why he wasn't able to fully read my mind that time, he didn't expect it.
But every door has its tricks, if you can't access through the main door, you go through the window. That's the kind of thing Snape was teaching me.
I nodded, and he took out his wand.
"Very well..." He raised it, and I realised far too late what he was going to do, something that would risk everything we were doing, he did the wand movement flawlessly, "Legilimens!"
And the whole world shifted.
Once again, I was in that corridor in which I found Mrs Norris, with the words written in blood. I felt all of the terror, the tension, my own blood ran cold, with sweat in the back of my head.
It all was the same, the dim torchlight, the wet floor, with only one difference. I turned around, and saw my friends, Harry, Ron, Hermione, but now Luna was there, so was Ginny, and Neville. Professor Dumbledore was there too, and they all stared at me with horror in their faces.
My friends looked at me with terror in their eyes, they didn't have to say a thing, I could feel it, as if I had done something unforgivable.
But Professor Dumbledore was looking at me disappointed, quiet and heavy, nothing like he usually is, as if everything he taught me was for nothing. As if I couldn't repay the debt that I owed him for showing me this world.
And like I was made out of paper, I broke. Suddenly, I was yanked in front of Snape again, catching my breath and my legs weak. Professor Snape's expression was his usual one, of disappointment.
"Pathetic," His voice was cold. "Your defences are weak. You let your emotions take hold of you easily, I could break through your barriers like it was nothing."
I didn't say a thing, my stomach twisted as fear took grip of me. Did he catch a glimpse of it? Of our plan to investigate the Chamber? Luckily, he didn't say anything, so I could assume he didn't see anything.
"Again." He raised his wand once more towards me, and as he said the incantation, I was full with dread once more. I knew I couldn't stop him from entering my mind, he was too skilled of a wizard for me to do anything about that.
But there was one thing I could do, something I did instinctually before, something I had to do. With all of my might, I started to focus on closing those specific memories..
Suddenly, I felt myself in my mind space, dozens– no, hundreds of windows put together but at the same time separated, and I focused on the one I wanted to hide. I was pulled towards a bay window, floating around. Thoughts, memories, fears.
Snape talked about this, too. He said that every mind is different, and that each one imagines how they keep their thoughts together.
I could see them clearer now, they were windows from my room. Each and every one of them was open, except this one, which was half-opened.
I put my hands on it, and started to fully close it. It was difficult at first. I wasn't as strong as I thought I was in my own mind, until I finally closed it, and all the struggle went away.
Of course, I still had to keep it that way, which put a strain in my mind and body, as each time Snape passed through my memories, it felt like a storm trying to break through whatever strength I had in it. My arms burned with strain.
In a way, it reminded me of the time there was a storm where I lived. My parents had to sleep with me that night because the noise the strong winds were making as they hit my window scared me. Now, I was alone, fighting that same storm.
Seconds felt like minutes. Until eventually, the wind subsided, the pressure vanished, and I was once again yanked in front of Snape, in the real world.
I was sitting on the ground now, as if I was pushed by an invisible force, or maybe my legs gave up and I didn't notice it.
Snape was staring down at me, but for the first time in a while, his stare wasn't purely boredom or disgust. It wasn't approval either, but there was something unreadable there.
"You are finally showing some competence," He said, as he tucked his wand away, "You will continue practicing, and if I find out that you have not been doing so, I will not waste my time on you any further. Is that understood?" His voice was once again harsh, but not as cold as before.
I forced a swallow, though my throat was sore, and nodded.
He sharply turned around, and went inside the Dungeon. I took a few seconds before standing up, my legs felt awfully weak, as if I just carried the world on my shoulders. Blaze was curling up around my shoulder, gripping tightly, as if she was worried for me.
I petted her scales, and felt how my breath was steadying itself. It worked, apparently. I'd be happy if I didn't feel a splitting headache, but as I walked in the Dungeon myself, I could see Hermione's bag, the one Harry gave her for her birthday, looked slightly bulkier than before.
The plan worked.
But as I sat down on the table, my head was still pumping, Harry and Ron were whispering to me about something, I couldn't make out why, my head was fully blurred. I don't even know if I imagined Hermione glancing at me or not. I didn't care.
Still, I couldn't shake this feeling I had. That Snape saw something, maybe not the plan itself, but the intention?
I shook my head slightly, trying to get that uneasy feeling away. I couldn't keep thinking of everything going wrong, it had worked. It had to have worked. The hard part of the plan was over.
At least, that's what I thought.