Before the year ended, the whole church decided to go on a swim in a resort. It was weekend and humid when I sat beside you at the back of the car, where only the two of us were there with the things we got on the trip. It is awkward, especially that the people in front are noisy, laughing, and having a lot of stories while the two of us are like strangers who can't even say hi to each other. Sometimes I am looking out of the window, and sometimes I am checking myself in the mirror. I mean, I just woke up and didn't even fix myself before coming in. I know that we are just the same, having a mindset that we are going to get wet and change clothes, so there is no need to put an effort into ourselves. The only difference between us is that even if you just woke up and did not even brush your teeth in the morning, you still look good, while I have to put effort into being like the bare minimum kind of person. When I look outside and look at you after, I always catch you smiling at me like you are planning something dark at the back of your head; you don't even blink or try to gaze at the other things or people. Your eyes are all on me the whole trip to the resort; it doesn't make me glad, but it gives me chills, like, What's your issue, bro? When the people in front asked if we were still okay because we were quiet the whole trip, you smiled but were still looking at me while saying that we were fine, and I was just looking at my reflection in my little blue folding mirror.
I don't remember the whole detail of that one-day resort trip we had yet, on one hand, the time where they decided to take a picture of all of us. The mothers called us; you were in the cottage, and I am in the pool. You rushed going there, then I followed. The camera was counting down as I sat beside you in front of the pool and flashed a smile before the shot was taken. I was shaking a little when that photo was taken; I sat beside you at that time without even thinking. As far as I remember, you were wearing a plain baby blue shirt, and mine is a stripes black, yellow and white.
Before senior year started, we went to a summer camp. It was all our first time to go there and have a camp together. How I wish that I could sit with you in the van and sleep on your shoulder for the whole six-hour trip. However, your mom told you to sit in front beside the driver, and I was left at the back of the car with the other young people.
There are three rooms in the place where we are going to stay: one for the adults or married couple, one for young ladies, and one for young men. However, after a day or two, another group just came. They don't have a place to stay in, so you gave up your room and ended up sleeping in ours. We sleep in the double bed while you guys are on the floor. I still remember how one of the adult women told us that we should watch out and avoid doing something unholy while she is laughing. All of the girls frown, which makes her laugh even louder.
The next day, you decided to sleep in the living room instead. I know that I am not that beautiful or some kind of perfect teenage girl, but I cannot avoid checking my reflection whenever I have a chance or am bored. Every night before I go to bed, I always check on myself in the big mirror in the living room beside where you lie. I hate how you position yourself every time and smile at me foolishly like you are really making it on purpose. When they asked where I was, you shouted back, saying that I was there wearing the same teasing smile. It is really annoying that I want to erase that smile of yours from your face, yet I want to see it at the same time. When I ask you, 'what?! ' You always say nothing. Is it really nothing?
Right after dinner, we line up to brush our teeth in turns before going to bed. Every time I remember this time, it still makes me laugh so hard, for I can still imagine your face during that time. You were first in line, and I am at your back with your sister. We kept on telling stories, laughing at our little jokes so much that I almost sat on the floor while laughing—the only noise you could hear. When I got up, I wondered where the toothpaste in my brush went. The place was covered in silence for a second, not until I saw your serious face looking at me with a paste on it. Instead of helping you remove it, I just laugh at you, then you wash it when it is already your turn to brush.
The next morning, I thought I was the first one who would take a shower, thinking that everyone was still on the land of dreams. I was about to open the bathroom door, yet someone already did on the other side. To my surprise, your half-naked body appears in front of me while your lower part is covered by a purple towel. I don't know how I am going to react at that time. I also know that both of our minds are panicking already, yet we still act cool about it. We were both shocked, not expecting this to happen; it is reeeeeeeallllyyyyyy awkward, the most awkward of all the awkward situations I have had so far. I was supposed to give you the way to move out by stepping a little to the right, but unexpectedly, you are thinking the same, so we both took a little step to the right at the same time. When we noticed that, we suddenly moved to the left together. I suddenly regret waking up so early to be the first in the bath. When we already figured out your way out, we moved at the same time, but this time you are going out of the room while I am entering there. I didn't notice that the rug in front is soaking wet because of a reason that I don't know. I stepped on it and slipped right in front of you. I can't believe that I touched your half-naked body. You acted like it was just nothing while I am already panicking inside and out.
Everyone woke up early, not just because that day is our last day of summer camp, even though it is not really finished yet. The adults or the oldies decided to stop by in the city center to take a stroll in the zoo or in the most famous park there. They are all excited and looking forward to it. However, I don't really feel good, maybe because of the atmosphere or maybe because I can see you close to other young ladies like you are going around together like you are an item. You make me disgusted; her older sister was used to be the person you like, though it is not really confirmed, but I heard from your mother that the two of you like each other, and she really likes that idea. Then now, you are getting close to her younger sister, who is a year younger than us. She's not here for the reason that she fell in love with her co-worker in her part-time job, wherein everyone is against it because they are both women, and that is also one of the reasons why she stopped going to church and to school. I know that they are both beautiful, but I don't like the idea of what you are doing, even if maybe I am just overthinking. The summer camp ends that way.
It is my first year in senior high, and I still stick to my old friends or the rest of the people that I've known. I really don't know what major I will choose; I don't know what I want. Before I graduate junior high school, I just want to have my own bookstore or to bake breads and cakes. Then I have this old friend of mine who persuaded me to do a vocational course because she likes to bake, and she said that she can teach me how to do it even though it is not really my interest in the first place. So when I enrolled for the next school year, I chose this course thinking that we would be together. However, on the first day of school, when I am looking for her when we are already going to our chosen major, she is not in the same department as me. I asked her why. She said that she had a sudden change of mind and went to the humanities department instead, which includes politics or whatever. I felt like I am a lost kitten left on the field that I really don't know or don't like. Thank goodness that before the class officially fixed and started, the teacher in front of the assembly hall asked us if any of us wanted to change class or course. One of my old friends looked at me to give a sign; she also doesn't want the major she chose, for she thinks that it is for geniuses. I mean, engineering is really for smart people, and like math, isn't it? That is your major also; well, it is no wonder; you are really smart to begin with. So... To continue that part of the story, we end up in the accounting and business management departments. I don't know why I chose this one. I mean, God knows how much I hate math and am so stupid at solving problems. My brother even reminded me of that when he learned what major I chose.
For the first week, we didn't have a class. It was all assemblies, seminars, and workshops. They said it is a way to meet new people and get to know each other, especially since there are a lot of students; I mean, a lot of them came from different schools nearby, like almost half of the population. Even though the hall is very crowded and noisy, one person caught my attention. He is tall, dark, and nerdy; I want to be his friend. Unfortunately, he is an engineering student. I stuck to my old friends, who I used to always be with. At first, it is okay. Everything is fine, and I am just going with the flow. There are only a few students in my major—only thirty, seven guys, and the rest are girls already. Engineering is like more than sixty students or something; they don't fit in one class. In order to solve that problem, some of them joined our class, especially the minor subjects. It is fine by me though; the more, the merrier, and we don't really have a choice.
At first, I felt like I was crawling in the dark. I mean, I still have my friends that I had a year ago; however, the life with them is not as colorful as it was, maybe because one of us transferred and we don't have that deep connection yet. There is a group of new students that came from a different school next row; they are noisy and annoying, yet there is a part of me that wants to be friends with them but, at the same time, doesn't.
One of my classmates asked me if he is handsome; one of the guys that is in that group is an engineering student too. She and her friend found him interesting, and other girls too. On the other hand, my group had a different point of view; for me, he looks like a drug addict, not kidding, but in my eyes he just looked like someone who just came out of prison for being involved in drugs. I told her about this opinion of mine, and she said that I am bad; I am just being honest though. She asked my opinion, so I answered.
A transferee who is said to be the school president in his old school. I find him a little genius, so it is okay, yet half of me is saying that he had just a connection in that school that is why he got the position; his aunt is one of the faculty. I don't know if it is on purpose or if it is just a mere coincidence that in almost all of our classes, he sits beside me because of that reason; we end up always arguing. It was all class-related, though. One of the arguments I will never forget that I still find funny until now is that when he is teasing me about my teeth because they are not well aligned and he is showing me his that is very well fixed, I wish I had that kind of teeth; it is beautiful. Nevertheless, I didn't tell him that; instead, I told him that it is much better to have this kind of tooth than having his with that kind of face. The whole row laughed at it. Isn't it funny? As we grow closer and fight every day, I fail to notice that he is also growing closer to my friend. They are becoming closer and closer; they are always together. Sit together, go to the next class together, and even the teachers are wondering what is going on between them. I can still hear and see our history teacher who asked them if they are already together as they sit in front at the same time. The whole class reacted and teased them, but they denied and said that they were just friends. One time, I went to school earlier than expected, and so did he with other classmates. I heard him tell this classmate that he liked my friend. I am not really close with that girl, the girl he likes, because they are always together. Yet he continued saying that he can't tell her because this girl is always with her friend, which is why he finds this friend annoying and noisy. I admit, I hurt a little. I have very little, as in very, very little bit of a crush on him, so it still hurts that I heard from his own lips that he liked somebody else. I pretended to have cool thoughts and cheered for him. After a month or two, I heard the news that they are already boyfriend and girlfriend; everyone saw that coming, so no big deal. Am still happy for them. He is not handsome, so it is easy to move on.
I found myself fading and becoming out of place in a group of friends that I used to have. I noticed that sometimes they are doing it on purpose, to leave me behind or to bully me in all means that they get. I slowly feel that I am not already part of that group. I thought that it was just me. The other group of friends in class noticed that too; they invited me to sit with them until we all became friends, and they are already the people I am hanging out with. It is fun, crazy, and noisy. Who thought that these new friends would last for a lifetime? And because of that, the story of my life changed and became more exciting; I will tell you why.
Almost half of the school year when I found myself having interest with one of my classmates, I don't really remember how it happened or how it began. What I remember is he was sitting at my back when we became partners in an activity in one of our classes. After that, we found ourselves always teasing each other, bullying in a good way, and chasing around the room and corridors. Every time that our eyes meet, we already know what it means, even if we are not saying something.
For the first time in my life, I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest; it was fast and loud, like it touched all other internal organs I had, and my whole body could feel it. I might look chill from the outside, but my internals are already having a party on the dance floor. For once, I could see in his brown eyes that I knew it; I knew it all along what he was trying to say. I knew it all this time, like the way he looks at me. I knew it; even he chose to not say a single word from the start, but I knew it; I knew something had changed. Nevertheless, that is what only I knew; that is what my heart is trying to tell me, opposite of what my brain is informing me. It is like a fairy tale, a story where there is no such prince or princess, no background music, or a magic carpet. At the end of the day, what I only have is what I think it is, what I want to think it will be. Everything is like a dream; whenever he looks at me, I can see in his eyes what his lips can't, what he wants me to deceive him with.
It never came to mind that everything would end in just one click; it seems the birds stopped cheering that day. The day when everything slows down and the clock stopped ticking. I still memorized the exact words the teacher said when she announced that he would transfer to another section, together with the other kids. They said the world is going to end in 2012, but mine already started to shatter.
I don't know if she is just teasing me or if she knew when she said she liked that guy as she looked at me wearing a different smile. I don't know if it is also true when she said that he is also saying that he likes her. I want to hear it from him, yet I don't have the courage to ask him. Is she the girl he is trying to hide when everyone is asking him who he likes when we played spin the bottle? Is the girl he cannot mention when I asked him countless times who he likes in the class? Is she the reason why he smiles like that? Well, most of the people say that they look good together; they have a lot in common, which is hard to find from other people. I don't know if she's waiting for my reaction or what I will say when she says those things without blinking.
God knows how much I cried silently that night in my bed while praying to not take him away, praying that he will stay. It is my first time to pray for a guy, but God had a different plan, a different route.
So that's how it ends. A short love story wherein eyes speaks more than the lips.
A longtime friend asked me to go with her in the engineering section; without thinking twice, I agreed in the first place.
I am standing at the back of the door of the room while I watch her talk to them; I don't know what they are talking about, but it seems fun. It feels like I don't have a place to fit in if I join them. She's talking to that group of guys who I want to be friends with. It seems that it is easy for her to blend in, which is what I find hard to do.
I heard the other guy ask her if I am okay while turning his gaze upon me. She called me to join them, which I refused. It will be awkward for all of them if I join the group because I am the only stranger there. I am the only one who is not part of the group.
How I wish to be their friend, not just because they look cool but also for the reason that they seem like nice people.
I don't know that God is really going to answer that wish so fast. The next day, my twin friends asked me if I wanted to join them for lunch; they will go to their cousin's small boarding room. I smiled and agreed, thinking that I could get a free lunch.
To my surprise, the cousin that they are talking about is the guy that caught my eyes on the first day of school in the hall and also the guy that my old friend was talking to the other day with his friend/roommate.
Gosh, this is kinda awkward. I don't know what to say. I thought the cousin they were talking about was a woman; where the hell is the man? And of all the men out there, is it really this guy? They don't even look alike. They are the ones who cooked the food; they offered me to eat, but I am too shy to do anything. I just stayed on the balcony the entire time.
The next day and the next day and the day after that and even the day after the weekend, we go there. I found myself enjoying the food he is cooking; I found myself talking to them without awkwardness.
I forgot the whole details of how it happened or how it even started. I mean, that happened a long time ago, so I really don't remember the whole information, and I know that you will get jealous if I still did until now; you might visit me in my dreams if that happened. Anyways, going back to the story. As I said, I don't know if my old friend or my twin friends are the ones who gave me his number. We just end up texting each other every day, not just every day but also at night. In the middle of the night, two in the morning to be exact. Group messages were really popular in my high school days, wherein we sent random messages like quotes, proverbs, or sayings with hashtags and symbols to multiple people, but we only wanted to convey the message to that one person, but we made it random so that it was not really obvious. I don't know if the other teenagers do that or if it is just me in order to catch the attention of the person I like through random hashtags.
I still feel the coldness I felt in those nights when I stayed in the living room until two in the morning waiting for his messages while watching horror movies even though I had a seven o'clock class the next day. I don't have a signal in my room, so I have to stay in the living room until one of us gives up or falls asleep. I remember his saying that he is also watching a horror movie one night, a killer doll that I had watched before. He laughed at me saying that I am so weak when I told him that I am going to bed already. Even I still want to talk to him and feel sleepy in the class the next day, but my phone is already giving up; any minute it will shut down, so I have to charge it and message him back when I wake up. He asked me to treat him the next day as a punishment for going to bed first; the treat never happened, though.
Sunday afternoon, exactly five in the evening in front of the hall in the nearby university, there is a local concert, which is what we are going to attend. My old friend told me that she has an extra ticket to the concert. Even though I am not a fan of this kind of event, it is not bad to try it once; it is free after all. I thought it was only going to be the two of us; however, when I invited her inside, she said that the others are not yet there; if we go inside, they might not get in because she has their ticket. She told me that she cannot contact them, so she asked me to message him. I have to change the way I imagined things; I need to include them in thinking about what the possible outcomes of this event are. I texted him, and after a while, an unknown number replied. I asked who it was, and then this unknown number said that he is my father with laughing emojis. After waiting in front of the school gate for some minutes, we are finally complete and entered the hall together. There are six of us in total who went to the concert. The seating arrangement is the guy, another guy, my old friend, him, me, and another guy (the guy she likes). Before he seat, he called my name to say that he is my father. When I asked him if he is the guy who messaged me earlier, his smile fade and didn't respond. I fully confirmed that it is him when I saw the same number in my old friend's phone that is saved with his name on it.
I thought it was going to be fun; I just ended up getting jealous the entire concert. He keeps on talking to my friend the whole time, and it looks like they are having fun even with the other guys. I don't even understand what they are talking about, like they have their own world or something. After half an hour, her sisters sat at the back. She introduced him to them; yes, only him, even though there were other guys with us, like she was telling them that he is her man. It is not her fault, though; I didn't tell anyone that I like that guy. I am not even sure if I really like him or just the attention I am getting from him.
It still plays in my mind every time I remember the last song I heard in that concert, exactly seven at night, when I told them that I had to go first because my mother was already looking for me, even if it was not. I can still hear the music outside the school while waiting for a cab under the lamppost. It is cold every night in the province, but it is extra cold that night.
We went there during lunchtime as usual; however, I noticed the little changes that happened, or maybe it is just me. Finals is around the corner, as well as our thesis defense. Maybe that is one of the reasons why we can't hang out and chill more like we used to.
It feels like my brain is already giving up on me, especially since I am the only one doing all of the research and papers, even though there are three of us in a group. I can't even understand what this is supposed to be. I really thought that I would attend a summer class for the first time in my life because of these unfinished requirements that fill all over my room with papers. Thank goodness that my teacher considered it, even if it is a little bit late, and even though my own adviser tells her to not accept it, and I should revise the whole paper, yet she didn't ask me to do it.
Right after the test is the summer break, a hundred and four days without school, to be exact. The second I felt relief that I had already finished everything that I should do in order to move to the next grade was also the same second I realized, or I finally admitted, that I had a crush on this person. The person that I still think of even when I am busy, the person that I always message even if it means that I have to stop what I am doing, the person who had the same vibes as me, and the person I admired the moment I laid my eyes on him for the first time.
Summer break is just as fast as the the lightning in the sky at night.Even though I didn't do much, I just stayed home most of the time, watching animes, doing summer jobs, and such.
As the new school year starts, the first thing that welcomes me is the news that the sections will be jumbled, so we are going to have new classmates in the same major as him. I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes, wishing that one of them would be him as the principal continued his welcoming speech.
The twins told me that they already rented a nearby boarding room, so that is our new hangout place and where we will eat lunch until we graduate. They excitedly told me that news in the entrance ceremony as we stand next to each other without understanding what the principal is saying in front. I am happy yet not at the same time. I am happy that we already have a place where we can stay as much as we want yet sad because a new place means that we don't need to go to his place anymore and hang out together.
All the senior high school students stayed in the newly built building in school that is exclusive just for us. We stayed on the third floor, and his is on the second, just below our room.
My old best friend ran to me after school just to say that the other guy, his best friend and a co-volleyball player, is not talking to her. He didn't even say hi or smile at her. She looks very worried that they are not talking anymore as the new school year starts. I told her that maybe he is just waiting for her to make the first move; maybe he is just shy, so why doesn't she talk to him first instead of waiting for each other to see who will make the move first? After three days, they are not yet talking to each other, and for three days she has been complaining about it, so for three days I keep telling her the same advice.
It is the same as always; every after class we are going to the volleyball court. I am waiting for her until she finishes playing with them 'til six or so, as long as the sun is not yet completely set.
I slept at my old best friend's house that time; the next day is her birthday. It is my first time being late to school; we even took a lift in someone's car. Unfortunately, the guidance counselor is on patrol during that day, so we were called to his office with the other late students. To my surprise, I am the first person who is on the list of late students in my section. Well, in fact, I have a friend classmate who is always late and never attended the flag ceremony but never got caught also. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE!!
One of our class had this activity, it is both fun and interesting at the same time. We were divided into like five groups which had six members each, I am not really sure with the numberings though. We were required to build the tallest and strongest tower using piece of papers. I am not sure what is the sense of this activity or I just forgot the details. In the end, with the enough time allotted, we all finished the activity given. Luckily, the one who completed the criteria is our group. No prizes but additional points.
After class, my old friend decided to hit the ball eighteen times in volleyball, just like her age to this day, so I decided to just go with her plan. Before that, she bought a big bottle of blue lemonade and a pack of waffles. I thought she was going to eat it after the game; however, she gave it to me and wants me to finish everything. I don't know what she was thinking that time, but because I was hungry, I did it and didn't leave anything for her, which satisfied her. Does she really want me to get fat?
Nevertheless, before that, we stayed first on the third floor of our building, thinking about what their research topic will be in one class. Her crush… or the whole community's crush is talking on the phone, standing on the balcony on the other end of the building. While thinking, I pretended that I was the one he was talking to that made her laugh real hard. In the end, she thought that the topic would be about LGBTQ at last; therefore, we went to her teacher, who is the teacher I am very close with. He is not just like a teacher to me but also a friend, and we are each other's bully. The fact that he can just say if he approved that topic or not, but he chose to say a lot of things that make me more confused, makes me want to look for a subtitle. He said that I am hiding my lesbian identity in the closet. Although I cannot blame him for that because everyone says that I really act like a man, I will not deny it. Well, what will I do? I grew up in a house full of men. No one taught me how to wear makeup and act like a girly girl. I want to tell him that he is also hiding his real identity, but I didn't, and we just did a high five. Everyone thinks that he is gay, yet it is not confirmed. After a few minutes, an elementary student went inside the faculty who speaks straight fluent English; hence, the math teacher talks to him. I giggled a little upon hearing the math teacher's English accent trying hard to communicate with that young guy. This teacher in front of me noticed it; he just said that I don't understand them.
After feeling like we had been in a faculty for long hours, we went out and stayed in front of the basketball court to summarize what the teacher had just told her about their research topic. We saw the lower grades playing basketball, which makes us reminisce about the past, wherein she is playing basketball with our other classmates as her teammates. Then, on the other side of the court is the group of our classmates, who are all guys. Instead of cheering for her group, I am cheering for the guys, and that is the reason why we always go to that place every time after class and go home late.
At last, we already went to the volleyball court so that she can spike the ball seventeen times. A few minutes had passed, and it had already started drizzling. But before that, this tall guy wearing eyeglasses sat beside me—no, close to me… very close. He said that he is thirsty, so I told him that my old friend had a lot of coins in her backpack. As he was told, he got her bag and got the coins; I just smiled at her reaction. Before he can buy his drink, it already starts raining. The guy she plays volleyball with and had a little crush on shares his umbrella with me, while the tall guy with glasses shares his with her. I, my old friend, and the other four guys who play volleyball with her were stranded in a convenience store as the rain got stronger. However, there is no mark of disappointment on everyone's face. We even enjoyed this time more now that the whole place was filled with our laughter and noises until the rain stopped around thirty minutes before seven in the evening. I thought that I would sleep in her place again, but thank God we still have a service car after that rain, and the whole place is dark.
I wished that that moment didn't end or that it would happen again. I don't know if I will laugh, be happy, be annoyed, be angry, or be pissed about what happened; thus, I only know one thing: that this is one of the times that I am the happiest and a moment that I will not forget. It is her birthday that day, a birthday that I still can't figure out if it is a lucky day or not.
It was already almost July when I invited my friends to my place for the reason that one of my brothers just graduated from his university, and we had a small celebration. There are a lot of people in the kitchen and in the living room, so we decided to just stay in my bedroom. I brought some food, a bottle of coke, a liquor, and a whole bottle or two of red wine. We played truth or dare to entertain ourselves, and because of that, secrets were unraveled. We learned that everyone of us had a crush on our classmates, even if it was not a very serious one. I don't even know why I told them a name that all of us did not expect. His name was the first one I just thought of when they asked me that question. He's not an important character, so I will not talk about him a lot.
These past few days, I can say that I have not been getting lucky. But this day, it's going to be perfect… that is what I thought. I'm not going to let anyone destroy my day. However, yesterday after we finished cleaning the room, my old friend and I went to the volleyball court. She learned that I have a crush on this tall guy with glasses because of the reason that I kept on changing my mind when she was asking me if I really wanted to go to the volleyball court or if we would just go home. I am not sure if he is there, so I cannot decide properly. I forgot that this woman beside me likes playing detective, so she figured out why I was stuttering while answering that simple question of hers.
When we reached the place, I hoped that we would just go home instead; the people playing volleyball are unfamiliar, and he is not in sight. She teased me a little upon seeing my reaction in this kind of situation. She just invited me to leave with a smile on her face, even though I know that she really wants to play. When we were about to leave… he suddenly came and was ready to play. The disappointed and gloomy view changed in a moment into a more energetic one. In a minute, I won't want to go home anymore. This is fun… I thought it really was.
I saw it… I saw it with my own two eyes. He is excited; he is smiling, the smile I have never seen before. He doesn't want anyone to let go of his phone; he keeps on checking it. He is texting someone that makes him anxious if that person will not message him back right away. All of a sudden, I lost interest in the game or even cheering them up. I suddenly just want to get out of that place. I cannot bear to see him like that; I cannot even look at him straight in the eyes.
He greeted me while sitting beside me. It is more disappointing that he did not give me the same energy that he used to when talking to me. I don't know what I will feel; I just wanted to be swallowed by the ground that time. I want to cry, I want to shout, and I want to hate him, but I can't find myself to do it.
My hat—that must be the only reason why I want to meet him. He borrowed it the other day of his own will. He promised that he would give it back to me; that day was supposed to be today. I really want to stand and go like nothing happened, but my old friend is still playing; I cannot find reasons to go away from him.
After a while, it rained again. No wonder why it poured so strongly because the sky has been covered with clouds this afternoon. Everyone ran to the nearest shade. For a moment, I thought that same thing would happen again yet I found myself expecting, he ran in the opposite direction. My old friend said that he is just making me jealous, which is very impossible.
I guess this time I am right. This day is something that I can look forward to. He didn't let me sleep a wink last night… I mean, I kept on thinking about him. I am not sure if I am really in the right position to think about it, but I also have feelings. Even though we are not really a thing, I still have the right to get jealous or to think twice because I like him, and that is already enough. Until the next morning that I woke up, I was still thinking a lot, not until I realized what the mistake was that I made.
Every month, the boys in my high school are required to have their haircut. They are not allowed to have long hair nor color it. On the other hand, women are not allowed to color their hair either or to have it cut in a funny or strange way. Every first Monday of the month, the homeroom teacher is going to roam around checking the length of the boys' hair. And once someone is caught, the teacher will be the one who will cut it himself or herself, which is not just embarrassing but also not a good idea because the teacher is not going to do it properly.
It is the seventh of July, that time when he forgot to have his haircut, so the teacher ended up cutting his hair. During the break time, I kept on laughing at his new hairstyle. I think that he is sulking because I am making fun of his hair the whole break time. My point there is… it is my first time to laugh at him or bully him, which is what he always does to me. He misunderstood everything. During class hours, I am still thinking about it; he didn't talk to me after that for the whole day. Do I need to clear myself up, or is there no need? Is he still going to talk to me? While having lunch, he touched my hair out of nowhere. I thought he was going to talk to me already, yet it didn't happen.
The next morning, I was about to greet him when we met in the corridor. I already raised my right hand to say "Hi," yet he just walked past me. He didn't greet or smile at me; he can't even look me in the eyes. He didn't tease me, which is what he always does every time he sees me. We didn't laugh, and I don't chase him all around the building getting pissed. We're just like strangers, and yeah, I admit, it hurts me. It feels like my mind is going to explode from overthinking.
This afternoon, I met him again in the corridor with his friend and a classmate. He waved at me, but just that; he did not smile, nor did he say a single word. I hope that we can get better, to be a friend again or even more than that.
After class, my old friend and I look for him everywhere—the volleyball court, in his club room, in his classroom, or everywhere that he could go to. In the end, we failed. We got home around seven in the evening.
My old friend just finished browsing the internet in the computer shop after class near the school when she invited me to go on a walk. When we went back to school, I saw him playing volleyball. She said that the timing was right. The same thing happened yesterday; we are already on the bus going home when we get off not so far from the school, where we also wait for that transpo because she forgot to unplug her flash drive in the nearby computer shop when the electricity suddenly went off. Then when we went back to the school after that, he was playing volleyball again with the other boys. We watched them playing while we were waiting for the electric power. It just saddened her because the person she likes is not there yet, but she still went to the court with the gang.
While playing, he glanced at me and smiled countless times. He talked to me and kept on mentioning my name like there is no tomorrow. Does it mean that we are already okay? He even let me hold his phone while he was on the game. Even though I am jealous and curious about who texted him, I just ignored it. I don't want to ruin the fun and the enjoyment that I am having at that time. Can you believe that I still have the old coin he gave me that time, which is already very old now? It is already past seven when they finished playing. Before going our separate ways, he sat beside me first, and we laughed together. He said that he wants to bring me home to his place. I want to say yes, but I did not give him an answer. I know that it is all just a joke and he did not mean it.
Ayiee… even though it is cold and I am freezing, I still watched him for his dance practice. He joined a dance competition and was one of the students that represented the school, not just in dancing but also in playing volleyball. It is not just his hobby with his friends, but they also compete with the other schools. After the dance practice, he went to play volleyball until he got tired. He asked me what time I will go home because he is afraid that there will be no transportation anymore for me to ride home. After a minute or two, his friend sat on the other side of the bench next to me while singing whom I called "curly" because that is what he call me so I call him the same. He got that nickname because I have naturally long curly hair. The other guy friend continues singing while they are all looking at me. I am just curious about the lyrics of the song; it says that he liked me but didn't know how to say it. Do they mean that? When waiting for the bus with my old friend, my classmate asked me if Curly is not going to take me to my home. I told my old friend what happened; she told me that the tall guy with glasses is concerned about me and Curly likes me, which I did not believe.
My classmate and I watched them play volleyball, and since that time, I have never stopped laughing. When they were already tired, we went to have some snacks. It is a laugh trip again. Are they really athletes or comedians? Curly is such a glutton. After a while, the tall guys with glasses borrowed my phone. We watched videos from my phone and laughed together. We both have nerd eyeglasses and wear purple shirts. My old friend said that we are like a couple who is having a date. After we watched videos, he asked me to massage his back while he was doing the same to Curly, and Curly did the same to their other friend. Oh my gosh!!! I touched his back. I massaged him even though I don't know how to do it. When we were about to say goodbye, I asked him to buy me my favorite candy, but he resisted. I compare our height, and I'm on his shoulder. I am not that small at all. I swear, I will be taller sooner.
I confessed. I told her that I like Curly. I told her that I am jealous… even in the past few days when she thinks that I still like that tall guy with glasses. Even I am puzzled; I don't know how it happened or when it started. It just happened—I woke up one morning, and then boom! I realized that I already like him. I admit… this is the biggest mistake I ever made. I liked my best friend slash my girl best friend's crush.
I thought I would not regret going to the concert, but it was the other way around. I regret it… SO MUCH. I'm blaming myself for such a thing. Is this my karma for being bitter? All that was happening to me was all my obra, the stories I created wherein all of them don't have happy endings. And I swear, my own version is the worst. Even a single time, I didn't think or have it come to mind that it would happen to me. For the reason that, first thing and foremost, I don't have a guy best friend. But one day, he just appeared in front of me and called me such endearments. He became my friend. Yeah, in the very beginning, I want him to be my friend… THEM. Nevertheless, liking him or one of them is not part of the plan; this is not what I imagined. I want to ignore him like a stranger, like when we first met. I want to forget him, but I cannot bring myself to do so. For my best friend's sake and for my sake, I tried my best, but it didn't work. A day without him is like a hell on Earth. I always set them as a pair, and even deep inside, it really hurts. Because that's what it really is supposed to be, and he really doesn't deserve me. I pretend that I am rooting for them, yet I am really hurting. Because that is my favorite game, that is what I am good at… hiding feelings.
Curly played volleyball with the group, and even though I am hungry, feel hot, and want to pee, my old best friend and I still insisted. In the end, his group… our group won the volleyball game in the sports festival against all the other players. My old friend and I decided to have our lunch at my gay friend's place, which is just two or three minutes away from school and also the same place where they are staying—not just the same building but the same floor as well. The moment I entered the third floor first before my friends, the first thing I saw was Curly and his tall friend with glasses half naked. I know that they are tired from playing, but they should be considerate. All the hotness gathered up in my head made it so that I could not think properly and rushed to go out. The whole place was so noisy; it was full of teasing and bullying the whole lunchtime. Especially me and Curly—we are the noisiest ones. Then he and the tall guy with glasses teased me. No one helped me while he had him as his rescue. If I teased him, it was so unfair. In the afternoon, I make a move wherein I hug his backpack while he is playing badminton. And this is the very precious last day that he talked, teased, and laughed with me. Because after those moments, we're already like strangers. I know that he wants to talk to me, tease me, and sit with me, yet he is stopping himself from doing it. I don't know what I have done. Yeah, I wished, and I admit that I am thankful to God that he is ignoring me for the reason that it will be easy for me to unlove him because I know we're not meant to be for each other and he likes somebody else. Yet I still can't; it is like killing me. I don't want to jump to conclusions, and all I know is I want him back, the old energetic Curly, Buyong, Chucky, or whatever his nickname is. Even though I am just his friend, for him… I am just a friend.
Now I know why I wore all black this day, because I am mourning. It is October, and it is an exam week, and every exam week I always wear black because, like, duh! who likes taking an examination? I really hate it. Little did I know that this is not the only reason why I am wearing all black. I am stupid… very stupid. I am deeply relied upon. Maybe I just really assumed. I thought the feeling was mutual. I'm wrong. Yeah, I am wrong. He liked someone else who also liked him; they have just been playing at hiding feelings for a long time. He has a lot of sketches of her face in his book; that was the very first thing that hit me when I opened it, and he really made sure to shove it in my face. I am really pissed; my old friend has known it for a long time, yet she chose to silence herself. He has her picture in his phone as a wallpaper. That is why she didn't want to show it to me when she borrowed his phone one time. His password was also her name. Congratulations to them; they are perfect. And I am the foolish one. I liked someone again, and it was the wrong one. Someone whom I can't have. I am stupid. I liked my best friend, the biggest mistake I ever made. But I can't blame him. I am no one compared to her. She has everything that a man could wish for, and I am just no one. She is very smart and talented. She goes to competitions using her brain and also her dancing skill. She also joins beauty pageants, and her family is rich enough to afford all of those things. Who am I kidding thinking that I won over her?
I know it is the best thing to ignore him… in order to forget him. He already likes someone else, and there is no way for me to be the perfect fit. Nevertheless, what puzzles me to this day is when I am ignoring him and playing strangers, he is also doing the same. Like, why, bro? For example, one time I was going down the stairs with one of my friends, and I saw him with my old friend teasing each other, but when he saw me, he stopped and ran down the stairs. He stopped midway when he saw me running down faster in the stairs. I shouted at my friend to walk faster, yet she is just laughing at my very obvious reaction when I saw him. Also, one time after the class when everyone is playing volleyball, I am on the usual bench where I always sit. I know that he wants to sit with me, yet he chose to stand beside it even though I still catch him looking at me at some times. It is really puzzling me, yet I never got the chance to ask him why or had the courage to do so. Just like the same feeling I had when the tall guy with glasses messaged me one afternoon looking for me like he wants to tell me something, but I told him that I am already on my way home, and he told me that it was just nothing, even though I know that he wants to say something.
It is already the last day of October, and he's been my textmate, the tall guy with glasses. He makes my day and night. He makes me laugh even if it is just through a text message. It has been a couple of months since we have been like this; he made me happy. My friends say that it is like we have our own world that only the two of us know and can understand. Every day, I am always talking about him and his text messages. I actually did not notice that until my friends told me, so that is when I realized that yeah, they are right, I really like talking about him. It just started with one question, and who knows that it will last this long, even if that is not the topic anymore? I don't regret any of it, though. I'm glad.
It is our first time to fight… through text. It is not like a fight fight. It is just like a small quarrel. He misunderstands me. And the worst reason for our misunderstanding is because of something financial and a guy, his classmate. In a few days, we are like strangers. It even came to the point that I had to ask my friends for advice, but I didn't like what they told me; they said that it is all my fault. But my point is, if I am the one who needs something or wants something, I don't ask him or borrow from him, but when he asks me, it's like he is just getting something that he hides from me. Even though I really like it, I still make way. The other one is I am just telling the truth; for some people his classmate is handsome, he joins pageants, and he is talented at the same time. A lot of people like him, but I just want to tell him that he is more handsome… in my eyes.
Two days—it has been two days that he has been cold towards me just because of a small misunderstanding. I don't know how to say sorry or to explain. We still message each other, though. But I'm still just a nobody. I texted him saying sorry, and I am not a perfect person. I texted it in a group message so that it is not very obvious. After that, I gladly messaged my friends that we are already okay. The old playful him that I know came back. I didn't explain anything, but I am thankful that he understands.
It is already the first week of December; it is cold, and flowers start to bloom. It has already been a couple of weeks since I stopped messaging him and ignored him in person. He is searching for me and even asking my friends. Even though they know the reason, they still did not tell him because they understand me. They just give me a spoonful of advice after, though. I also know that they want to get angry at me; they are his cousin after all. It even guilts me when they told me that he cried in front of them, thinking and asking why I did that. It is painful that I cannot tell him the real reason… that this time I am starting to like him "again." That is why I thought that it would be much better to treat him like a stranger. I was overcome by fear. He's worried; it shows in the tone of his voice, but I still didn't answer him. I admit, I am also suffering from it; it is also painful to me. But I think that this is the best way to unlike him, but then again, I was wrong. It didn't change a thing, and it just got much deeper each day.
Ten days before Christmas, I decided to make peace with him and to bring back those old days. I am ashamed that the idea didn't even come from me; it is from my old friend. Today is Friday, and it is our school Christmas party before the break. At seven in the morning, she came knocking at the door of my house, holding a big paper bag. She helped me prepare a present for him that she bought herself; she even bought a small envelope where I should put an apology letter that I did not prepare and think of. I just said sorry and greeted him with happy holidays. I don't want to expect, but I cannot help it.
I saw him… the guy I used to call Curly. I already call him by his name and dropped the endearment. He gave her a gift. I thought that I was already okay, that I had already moved on. When I saw him giving that gift to her, it felt like everything that I felt about him before came back. I am hurting over that thought. This might be what they meant when someone says you can't really move on because, at some point, they still have even a little space in your heart. Maybe that is really how much he likes her; even though he is unsure of what the result will be, he still made a move. All this time, it was still her all along. And knowing that it was his sketch of her face in a frame that he made a long time ago that was the one inside that box with a letter on it. Those handwriting—I know it is him. I expected too much and prepared. I thought this would be happy and memorable. But I ended up hating it. The worst school Christmas party I ever had. I just felt guilty that my old friend is the one who did a lot for me this day; she prepared a gift for that guy in order for us to get along again, she prepared what I would wear for this day, and she fixed my hair. However, I moved without thinking, and I let this feeling be entertained by me, and I really hate it.
The day of our Christmas party was also my father's birthday. My old friend spent the night in my place as we celebrated his birthday with also some food I got. We even unwrapped our gifts together at the same time. While she's singing karaoke in the house, my other friends keep on messaging me to go with them for the after-party at the back of the school. Some of our classmates are over there having a bonfire with the other kids. They keep on insisting that I should go because he is also there, their tall cousin wearing eyeglasses. If I have the courage to see him face-to-face, I will be in a hurry even if there is also an event in the house, yet I am a coward who chose to distance myself.
In a few hours it will already be Christmas. While waiting for the time, my three brothers, who just got home from the city where they are now working, and I decided to hang out first in the town, like going on a food trip eating street food and ice cream, and then we went home to have karaoke until midnight. Some people are still in a rush buying gifts, going somewhere, buying ingredients, or going to church with the whole family. The street was so noisy with the people and cars keeping on honking because the traffic was not moving. That alley where we always passed by as we went home is still dark without the street light being fixed, yet this time it was noisy, so it felt less scary and dangerous.
I don't want any regrets, even though I already have. While the people around me were enjoying the party, I kept on messaging him… the tall guy with glasses. I kept on sending him quotes… messages that showed how much I regret doing that wrong move, because… it is really a wrong one. Just taking a risk because maybe… maybe something will happen, or everything will go back like it used to be. Yet this Christmas is extra cold than it used to be for the reason that from all of those messages I sent him, I received no reply from him; he totally ignored me.
Today is his birthday, and it is Sunday, while tomorrow is mine. Yes, he is just a day or hours older than me; we were born in the same month and the same year, like it was already part of the plan a long time ago. I watched their team play volleyball with the other school. After a few minutes, it is done; they lose the game. He invited his cousins to go to his place with his friends for a small birthday celebration. He did not invite me nor call me, yet I still went with them; I was invited by the invited, after all. We just stayed in their room while the guys were in the kitchen cooking for our small dinner. Looking back into this small room after a long time, it makes me reminisce and miss the old time when we used to stay there during lunchtime. I can't feel the same feeling right now. I lay in his bed as he went in to tease me like he also missed teasing me. The place was small, yet our voices echoed in the whole place as I chased him around the building. After that, the food was still not yet cooked. I kept on checking the time; it was already getting dark, and it was also drizzling outside. It was quarter to seven when I decided to go even though the food was not yet ready; my old friend was waiting for me in the station. I just go without saying anything and just message my friends. I kept on convincing myself that I was not really invited to begin with; I just let myself fit in the picture, and it was just nothing. I also kept on telling myself that what they prepared is also the same as what I had for my birthday. He also greeted me with a happy birthday, and for me, that is already enough. The moment I stepped out of his place was also the time that the food was ready to serve, yet I didn't regret leaving because at some point, it may hurt me again. I already don't want to cry and get hurt again for the same reason and same person anymore. Because I know that I already moved on from Curly; he doesn't have an effect on me anymore, though we are still friends. Now… I am deeply in love with this birthday boy. Who doesn't make so much effort but still makes me happy. He still messages me, but it is already different; it is not like before, when you would feel that he was smiling or laughing while sending the message. I also can't feel his silliness through text. It was all because of me. I treated him coldly before Christmas so he got used to it, and he did the same when I was approaching him.
Today is our graduation day. My friends already confessed to their crushes and kept on asking me when it is my turn. Actually, I decided to confess on this day. However, I'm hoping that he will be the first one who will do it, and then I will cry in front of him, saying it is too late, and turn him down. He is going to study college majors in engineering in another city even though I will also go to the place near him, not in the city where he will study but the nearby place. I know I am just overreacting, but I don't want a long-distance relationship, even if it is not too long distance, if he is going to confess. I don't even have the confidence or courage to tell him; besides, I don't have experience when it comes to things like this. So it was just a normal high school graduation day. I got a picture with him, just the two of us wearing our togas and holding our diplomas (I even had it printed and framed; I put it on the table beside my bed). In the afternoon, I went to his place with my friend and her relatives and my old friend. His house is just beside his cousin's house, which is also my friend's, so after theirs, I went to his. I took a picture with his younger brother even though it is against his will because I find him cute. This is the first time meeting his younger brother, even though I already met his father, mother, and grandmother. I even saw his bedroom and got his SpongeBob stuff toy. I also met his cat and chicken, and I also tasted the oranges they have in the backyard. I can't believe that I already met his whole clan even though we are not together, and everyone in his family wants me to be part of it and keeps on rooting for me because they know that I like him and keep it as a secret from him. They have different personalities as brothers, but I am just happy to have both of them or that I met them. After that, my old friend and I wait for a taxi going home. After a thousand minutes of waiting and a hundred pictures we took while waiting, finally there was already one, so we rode our way home.
Finally, I saw him again. them because after the graduation, we didn't meet again. After a couple of weeks, I went to school to fix something, and that is where I saw him. Yet why is it like this? I already don't feel the excitement. I am not happy anymore. I messaged my friend about it; she told me that I should be happy because I am finally free from my feelings that I really wanted to happen a long time ago. But now that it happened, why am I not happy? I felt disappointment and lonely at the same time because I don't like him anymore. I am looking for the part of me that still wants him or longs for him, yet I can't find it. Why? I should be happy because I am not already tied to this feeling, but I totally feel the other way around. Looking at his pictures from the past, even though I have looked at them countless times, it is not tiring, and it makes me smile and happy. But now it is just like an ordinary picture of us. Everything about him has no effect on me now. I am pushing myself to like him again even though I don't know why I am doing it and even though I hated it in the first place, but it was really gone. It is gone. He was just like a friend of mine now that I used to know. I can't understand, but it was the truth.
Summer vacation had begun right after we graduated. A couple of weeks after, I went for the summer camp with the whole church. It means you are there, and I have to spend a week or two with you. It was happy, although I encountered guys who had the same family name as him, and the most unforgettable and thrilling were the guys who really, really looked like him and even one of his friends. All over, any part. Even the smile and eyeglasses—when he turned his back, it was really the same. Unfortunately, we went home without knowing who that person is, yet I don't really care at all.
On May 9 of the same year, he messaged me asking who he is in my life. I went crazy for four whole days and nights thinking of that one question: who is he really to me? It is only one question, but I already had that kind of reaction. He is still the same, the person I know, and nothing changes. He is the same from the way I first met him until now."Who is
"I heard you had a crush on me?" "Who said that? That person is a liar." I already planned from the start that if he asked me that question, I would give him that answer or… "Hahaha, are you joking?!" I would rather deny him countless times than get myself hurt. I am scared to get hurt, so I will choose to hide it. After that, he didn't contact me again.
We will go to college in different schools, so there is a chance that we will not see each other again. Yet if we happened to meet again, like in the street while crossing or in the convenience store, I will be the one who will avoid him. It has been two months since we graduated and the summer had begun, yet I am still crazy about him.
I want to get angry, I want to hate him, but I can't do it. All this time I am blaming him. I thought he was the first one who gave up on me. I thought he was the first one who let go, so I did not fight for him. But lately I realized it is me. It was me who gave up first. I am the first one who broke our connection to each other. I know how he died slowly because of what I did. Fear overcame me; I am scared to get hurt, to fall, and scared that I may not take it. I thought this was the best for both of us. But I am wrong; I fall for him even more. I just hurt myself more. Until now I am still regretting how I acted in the past. I became a coward and didn't even fight. I thought I would forget him once I entered college, but I failed. It is still him. It has been him all along. I tortured myself because of my actions in the past. I pretended that I moved on, but in fact I missed him so much. But I am not yet ready to face him; I am still scared a little.