Then one day Na-Kyum told him it was time to enroll in the army. Do-Yung had thought about it, he knew it was unavoidable. So he pulled some strings and got them in the same regiment. Life went on pretty much the same way. His Kyum was too soft and clumsy for military service and his higher ups nagged him to move to special forces, but Do-Yung handled everything as he always did, quietly and efficiently. There was also the matter of their sleep arrangement. Na-Kyum had never been as determined to forbid him access to his bed. Do-Yung went around every recruit and officers, made it clear that nothing interesting went on their way, taught them to sleep deeply and convinced Na-Kyum to relent by only coming after every one else was asleep and leaving before anyone woke up. He had to be a lot less touchy at night and mostly jerked off in the shower unless he felt like he was going crazy, because the tiny, wobbly cot made it impossible to enjoy his usual ritual. The camp obediently followed his schedule. Another two years passed peacefully before they finally returned home.
That was how life went on. Peaceful, simple. He organized everything around Na-Kyum and slowly, cautiously put everything in place for his dream life. The only thing left was for Na-Kyum to wake up. And he was quickly getting to the end of his holy patience.
Then one day he went home from college. He forced himself to go at least once a week and get home later, to put Na-Kyum's mind at ease. He had to admit it felt amazing to walk home and find Na-Kyum behind the stove, greeting him happily, like he had waited for him. That time though, an extremely displeasing sight greeted him. A girl sat on the couch beside Na-Kyum. An ugly insect who started to sweat and bowed her head the second he looked her way.
« Hey, hyung ! » Na-Kyum obliviously beamed. « This is Na Eun-Ae ! My classmate. »
Things had been going great. Na-Kyum was slowly giving up on the vain struggle. Why did she have to appear now ? Do-Yung's eyes turned cold as he saw the blush on Na-Kyum's face when he turned to introduce him to the bitch. Fuck. He had forgotten to do his usual work when they went back to school. Of course, rats immediately took the opportunity to crawl his Kyum's way. Do-Yung realised he would have to do that again.
He hated it.
—
Na-Kyum hummed on his way home.
He was twenty-two now, almost twenty-three and life was good, no, great, no amazing ! He had struggled a bit to be honest, fought down these shameful feelings for his hyung for a few years. They were a family. He dreaded the day Do-Yung would catch onto something and turn his back on him. He couldn't bear that, so he had fought long and hard for way too many years and finally felt like he got those disgusting feelings under control.
Also college suddenly became nice. He had to admit his loneliness hadn't been Do-Yung's fault at all after starting over on his own and still being unable to make friends. The realization had hurt as much as it had relieved him. His hyung really was the only one who ever had his back. He felt guilty about ever doubting that.
However, after coming back from his military service, he finally fell into a normal, sociable student life. He was still shy and barely handled conversations, but a few people from his class had made the effort and he now went to school with a lighter heart.
Na Eun-Ae was the junior who first came up to him. The beautiful blond had smiled through his disastrous introduction and stayed by his side ever since. She was pretty, kind, smart and funny too. Before he realized it, Na-Kyum had developed a small crush on her. Needless to say, the ray of light had been everything he had been waiting for and he lunged on it, eagerly feeding it until he felt maybe he'd finally be able to erase all those unspeakable thoughts about his hyung he hid deep in his heart.
He even brought her home twice, when they had group assignments to work on. Once on her own and once with the whole group. Na-Kyum felt proud to be the one introducing friends to hyung for the first time in his life. Do-Yung didn't really seem to like them though, complaining about their presence and being rudely cold. Na-Kyum wasn't bald-faced enough to invite them over afterward. This was their home, they both had to be comfortable here.
Still, his friends were nice and yesterday Eun-Ae had agreed to go on a date with him this week-end after he finally worked up the courage to ask her. Life was sweet.
It was funny how everything could come crashing down in a minute.
He had forgotten that feeling. Three times wasn't enough. He had erased them from his memories. This time though, he would never forget. He bolted. Tripped and fell in the stairs. Staggered outside and emptied his stomach against the wall.
Every time he blinked the same images flashed behind his lids and the nausea came back until he was heaving fruitlessly.
Hyung and Eun-Ae on their sofa. Both naked. The musky smell in the air. The sounds. Goodness, the sound. Eun-Ae's moans, cries for more, hyung's name. On their sofa. Where they snuggled to watch TV in the evening. Where they often fell asleep, tangled together.
But the worst picture was Hyung's face. The satisfied look in his blue eyes as he looked up at the door and met Na-Kyum's eyes without hesitation, without stopping.
Na-Kyum didn't go home. He wandered around aimlessly, thinking about all those girls he had fallen for and realizing maybe those classmates back in middle school had been right. Maybe Do-Yung was doing it on purpose. This time, Na-Kyum couldn't forgive him. Hyung had no right.
Do-Yung found him drinking at a street stall. He never drunk much, hyung made sure of that, but this time he bulldozed straight through his limits and was left a sobbing, drooling mess on the table.
« Come home, Kyum. »
Na-Kyum sobbed and shook his head before turning to hide against the cold, sticky surface. It hurt. It hurt so much.
« Why ? » He cried out without raising his head and flinched at the hand that came to caress his head.
« Don't cry. »
« You did it on purpose, » he slurred tiredly, feeling his eyes close, all his energy drained. « You did it to hurt me. »
« Never, » Do-Yung scratched at the base of his skull, the way Na-Kyum usually loved. It made him sleepy. « I hate hurting you. »
« You do…» Na-Kyum muttered. « You always do, » he added before blacking out.
He woke up the next morning, changed and clean despite the massive headache and disgusting taste in his mouth. Do-Yung was holding him close but for the first time the embrace felt like an oppressive cage. Na-Kyum pulled away and stumbled out of bed.
« Kyum… » Do-Yung mumbled as he was stirred awake but the younger man ignored him and ran to the bathroom to empty his stomach.
He flinched at the warm hand that rubbed his neck while he heaved over the toilet and for the first time ever pushed him away.
« We should talk… » Do-Yung frowned, a wounded look in his eyes but Na-Kyum couldn't. He had nothing to say. He just wanted to get away from him for now.
Now that his mind was clear, he realized how fucked up it was. All of it. Maybe it was divine punishment for the sin of harboring such dirty feelings. Maybe it was a wake-up call to signal him how mad it was that he was twenty-two and still slept in Do-Yung's arms, still pressed his hard-on against him in the morning, discreetly ogled when he got out of the shower in just a towel, touched himself under the water afterward. Maybe he deserved it.
Or maybe Do-Yung was the mad one. Who took pleasure in fucking their best friend's crush under their eyes ?
« Please, don't go, » Do-Yun followed him through the tiny appartement like a lost puppy while he rushed to get dressed.
« I have to go to school, » Na-Kyum avoided his eyes and headed to the front door. He startled and tensed when Do-Yung came up behind him and kept it closed with a firm hand on it.
« Don't. Not like that, » he said in a soft, low voice as if he was coaxing a scarred animal.
« I told you we had a date on Saturday…» Na-Kyum's voice shook and he hated how weak it sounded.
« I- »
« Why ? » Na-Kyum asked and let his head fall against the door, struggling to hold the tears back. « Why her ? »
« Because you looked at her. »
He cried at the firm, honest reply. Yes, Do-Yung was mad. But Na-Kyum had known it all along, he was the one who had allowed it to get to this. He had to turn around, sit his hyung down and talk it through. He should work it out now.
But Na-Kyum was too much of a coward. He was too used to pretending, too used to acting as if their relationship was perfect.
« We'll talk later… » He answered and put both hands on the door handle, uselessly pulling. « Please… »
It took a while before Do-Yung lowered his head in his neck. Na-Kyum tensed but let him nuzzle his face against the skin, breath in loudly.
« Come back, » he pleaded in a soft voice that didn't fit him and finally let Na-Kyum open the door.
The day was a blur. None of his friends approached him but it was for the better, he couldn't have handled a conversation with anyone. He didn't even try to look for Eun-Ae, the betrayal too fresh on his mind. How could he ever look her in the eyes again ?
All day, he went over the situation, picked at his whole relationship with Do-Yung, tried to hold onto anything worth it. There was a lot. So much. They had been there for each other through highs and lows, nobody understood them like they did. Do-Yung had been raised in a hellish environment, had gone through stuffs no children should ever, no, no human could ever bear, it was normal that his view on family was twisted. Na-Kyum felt his lungs relax a bit as he convinced himself while sitting at the back of the amphitheater, no hearing a word the teacher said.
Yes, Do-Yung didn't know the difference between their love for each other and romantic love. Na-Kyum had probably played a significant part too since he roughly learned through TV himself. Who was he to judge ? He had just barely sorted through his own messed up feelings ! Yes, Do-Yung was possessive, he only had Na-Kyum himself, they had to work through this. Together.