….
Deadpool stood in the parking lot outside Vanessa's work, holding her phone. It was raining - dramatic, cinematic rain that soaked his suit.
He had found it in a puddle, screen cracked. Her purse a few feet away, contents scattered.
Signs of a struggle.
She was gone.
Deadpool stood there, unmoving, water running off his mask.
His phone rang an unknown number.
He answered.
Ajax's voice: "Hello, Wade."
Deadpool's voice went cold. "Where is she."
"Safe, for now. Want her back? Come to the old salvage yard on the waterfront. You know the one."
"If you hurt her—"
"Midnight, come alone. Or don't. Either way, this ends tonight."
Click.
Deadpool looked at Vanessa's broken phone in his hand. The rain kept falling.
"Okay, Francis." he said quietly. "You want to play? Let's play."
….
Blind Al's apartment. Deadpool was loading weapons with manic efficiency - pistols, grenades, katanas, ammunition.
"This is a bad idea." Al said from her recliner.
"It's the only idea."
"He's going to kill you."
"Let him try."
….
It's Xavier's School, late afternoon.
Deadpool burst through the front door. "METAL JESUS! ANGRY TEENAGER! I NEED YOUR HELP!"
Colossus appeared from the dining hall, wiping his mouth with a napkin. "Deadpool! You return!"
"Yeah yeah, very touching. Listen, remember that guy who escaped from the highway? Well kidnapped my girlfriend and now I need to go save her and murder everyone, and I could use some muscle."
Negasonic appeared, still on her phone. "This sounds boring."
"YOUR FACE IS BORING."
"Weak comeback."
Deadpool turned to Colossus. "Look, I know you want me to be a hero or whatever. Well, here's your chance. Help me save an innocent woman from a psychotic British torturer. Very heroic. Very X-Men."
Colossus considered. "This woman... Is she in real danger?"
"Francis, Ajax, has her. He's going to kill her to get to me. So yeah, real danger."
"Then we help!" Colossus stood, chest puffed with moral certainty. "This is what X-Men do! We save innocent people!"
Negasonic sighed. "Fine. But I'm not changing out of my pajamas."
"You're wearing pajamas?"
"These are pajamas." She gestured at her all-black outfit.
"Those look like regular clothes."
"They're comfortable. Therefore, pajamas."
"That's not how - you know what, never mind. Let's go."
….
Deadpool in the front passenger seat.
Colossus and Negasonic crammed in the back - Colossus's metal shoulders taking up most of the space.
"Mr. Pool." Dopinder said nervously. "Why is there a large metal man in my taxi?"
"Long story. Just drive to the waterfront salvage yard."
"Is this about Gita?"
"What? No! This is about saving my girlfriend from - wait, what about Gita?"
Dopinder's face darkened. "I took your advice. About Bandhu."
"Oh no."
"I kidnapped him. He is in the trunk."
The entire taxi went silent.
Deadpool turned slowly. "You... kidnapped your cousin."
"Yes. Now he cannot have Gita."
"DOPINDER, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT—"
"You said violence was the answer!"
"I WAS KIDDING!"
From the trunk, muffled screaming.
Colossus: "We must free this man immediately! This is crime!"
Negasonic: "This is the best thing that's happened all day."
Deadpool put his head in his hands. "Okay. Okay. New plan. Dopinder, after you drop us off, you let Bandhu go. Apologize. Blame it on... I don't know, sleepwalking."
"But Gita—"
"Will NOT DATE YOU IF YOU'RE IN PRISON FOR KIDNAPPING."
"...oh. I had not considered this."
"CLEARLY."
They arrived at the salvage yard. Deadpool, Colossus, and Negasonic got out.
Deadpool leaned back in the window. "Seriously. Let him go."
"I will, Mr. Pool."
The taxi drove away, Bandhu still screaming in the trunk.
Negasonic: "Your friend is insane."
"He's not my friend. He's my cab driver."
The three of them stood before the salvage yard entrance - a massive junkyard of rusted ships and cars, perfect villain lair aesthetic.
Dramatic music swelled.
They walked forward in slow motion - Deadpool in the center, katanas on his back. Colossus on his left, metal gleaming.
Negasonic on his right, hands crackling with atomic energy.
Very cool. Very heroic. Very cinematic.
They reached the entrance.
Deadpool reached for his weapons-
They weren't there.
He patted his back, his sides - Nothing.
"Uh oh."
"What?" Colossus asked.
"I forgot my weapons."
"WHAT?!"
"They're in the taxi! I left them in Dopinder's taxi!"
Negasonic burst out laughing.
Even Colossus looked disappointed. "Deadpool... how do you forget weapons?"
"I WAS DISTRACTED BY THE KIDNAPPING CONFESSION!"
The dramatic music cut off with a record scratch.
In the theater, the audience howled with laughter.
Thomas was crying. This was perfect comedic timing.
Deadpool pulled out his phone, called Dopinder. "TURN AROUND. I FORGOT MY WEAPONS."
"But Mr. Pool, I am already five miles away—"
"I DON'T CARE! TURN AROUND!"
Five minutes later, the taxi returned. Dopinder handed Deadpool the duffel bag full of weapons.
"Thank you, Dopinder."
"You are welcome, Mr. Pool. Should I wait?"
"NO. GO HOME. LET YOUR COUSIN GO. RETHINK YOUR LIFE CHOICES."
"Yes, Mr. Pool."
The taxi drove away again.
Deadpool turned back to his team. "Okay. Now we're ready."
They walked forward again - less dramatic this time, the moment thoroughly ruined.
Negasonic: "That was the least cool thing I have ever seen."
"Shut up."
….
The salvage yard was a maze of rusted metal and shadows. In the center, on top of a decommissioned helicarrier, Ajax waited with Angel Dust and a dozen armed mercenaries.
Vanessa was tied to a support beam, gagged but conscious. Her eyes went wide when she saw Deadpool.
Ajax smiled. "Wade Wilson. So good of you to come."
"It's DEADPOOL now, Francis. We've been over this."
"You brought friends."
"They're not friends.... Associates. With benefits. Wait, that came out wrong—"
"Let's finish this." Ajax drew a massive knife.
Angel Dust cracked her knuckles.
The mercenaries raised their weapons.
"Before we start." Deadpool said, "I just want to say: this is going to get really violent. Like, super inappropriate for children. If there are any kids watching, cover your eyes. Your parents made bad choices bringing you here."
He looked at the camera - Winged.
Then: "OKAY, LET'S FUCKING GO!"
What followed was fifteen minutes of the most brutal, creative, absurdly violent action Thomas had ever seen.
Deadpool vs. the mercenaries - bullets, blades, improvised weapons. He used a hubcap as a frisbee to decapitate someone. Stabbed a guy with his own knife. Made constant jokes while leaving a trail of bodies.
Colossus fought Angel Dust, two super-strong beings demolishing ships with every punch. Angel Dust was holding her own, grinning with savage joy.
Negasonic blew things up, cars, supports, anything that looked expensive. Teenage rebellion with atomic powers.
Deadpool fought his way to Ajax on top of the helicarrier. They clashed - Ajax's super-strength versus Deadpool's regeneration and weapons skill.
Ajax punched Deadpool so hard he flew thirty feet, crashed through a windshield.
Deadpool got up, bones cracking back into place. "Okay. Ow. But also: not dead! Checkmate, Francis!"
They fought across the collapsing structure—the helicarrier was falling apart beneath them.
At one point, Deadpool's arm was nearly severed. It was hung by a thread of tissue. He looked at it, looked at Ajax.
"Well THIS is inconvenient."
He ripped the arm off completely, threw it at Ajax's face.
Ajax recoiled in horror.
Deadpool used the distraction to stab him in the shoulder with a katana, pinning him to the metal hull.
The structure collapsed. Both fell toward the ground.
Deadpool grabbed Vanessa mid-fall, shielded her with his body. They hit a pile of tires - cushioned landing.
Ajax wasn't so lucky impaled on a piece of rebar, still alive, but trapped.
Deadpool stood, one-armed, walked over. Drew his gun with his remaining hand.
Colossus ran up. "DEADPOOL! NO! Be hero! Show mercy!"
Deadpool looked at Vanessa, who'd removed her gag. She looked at Ajax, then at Deadpool, and mouthed: Do it.
Deadpool looked at the camera. "Well, she's the boss."
BANG.
Ajax's body went limp.
Colossus covered his face with his metal hands. "You were supposed to be better..."
"I am really not, Metal Jesus. That's kind of my whole thing."
Deadpool freed Vanessa from the ropes. She stared at him - the mask, the missing arm, the blood.
"Who are you?"
Deadpool's hand went to his mask. Hesitated.
Then slowly pulled it off.
Vanessa gasped. "Oh my god..."
"Yeah. I know. Hideous. I look like—"
"Wade?" Her voice cracked. "Wade?!"
"Hey, Ness."
She touched his scarred face with shaking hands. "I thought you were dead. I thought you just left—"
"I had cancer, I was dying. They said they could cure me, obviously a lie. Not totaly too I guess since I am alive but I turned me into... this." He gestured at his disfigured face. "I couldn't come back to you looking like this."
Tears ran down her face. "You idiot."
"I know."
"I would have staye—"
"I know."
She kissed him - scars and all.
The audience cheered.
Negasonic, from nearby: "This is disgusting."
Deadpool (breaking the kiss): "You're seventeen. Everything's disgusting to you."
Colossus was crying metal tears. "Is beautiful. Love conquers all!"
Deadpool's arm finished growing back, baby-sized at first, then rapidly expanding to normal size.
"Okay, that's still super weird." Vanessa said.
"You get used to it."
They walked away from the burning salvage yard together, Colossus carrying an unconscious Angel Dust (arrested, not killed), Negasonic texting about the whole experience, Deadpool and Vanessa hand-in-hand.
Sister Margaret's bar, two weeks later.
Deadpool sat with Weasel, mask off, drink in hand.
"So you got the girl back."
"I got the girl back."
"And you killed Francis."
"Yep."
"And you're still not joining the X-Men."
"God, no."
Weasel raised his glass. "To Wade Wilson. Worst hero ever."
Deadpool clinked glasses. "I will drink to that."
He looked at the camera. "And that's my story. Thanks for watching. Tell your friends. Or don't. I already got paid."
Pause.
….
Deadpool looked at camera. "And that's my origin story. Wade Wilson. Deadpool. Merc with a Mouth. If you liked it, tell your friends. If you didn't, well, you already paid, so... thanks anyway!"
Credits rolled - animated comic panels of Deadpool fighting random villains.
Every few seconds, his narration:
"This guy played Ajax, great performance. Sorry I killed you, buddy."
"Stunt coordinator: Thanks for not letting me die during the highway scene."
"Special thanks to whoever convinced the studio to let us make this R-rated. You're the real hero."
MID-CREDITS
Half the theater emptied, thomas stayed.
So did about 140 others.
Screen lit up: Deadpool in a bathrobe, eating a chimichanga.
"You're still here? The movie's over. Go home."
Pause.
"Oh, you want a sequel tease. Fine. Uhh... Cable. Big cyborg guy. We will fight. It will be great, also maybe a new team too…"
Bite of chimichanga.
"Assuming this makes money. So tell your friends. Seriously. My financial future depends on it."
Static.
DEADPOOL WILL RETURN... PROBABLY
The lights came up.
Thomas sat there as people filed out, buzzing with energy.
"That was insane—"
"I can't believe they got away with—"
"Did you catch the joke about—"
"I need to see that again just to catch everything I missed—"
"—when he cut off his own HAND to escape the handcuffs, I almost threw up—"
"—funniest shit I've seen—"
"—definitely seeing it again—"
The couple to his left: "That was incredible."
"Told you."
"You're still buying dessert though."
Thomas stood, walked to the lobby.
Sydney caught him: "Well?"
Thomas smiled. "Order more popcorn. This thing's gonna run for months."
He pulled out his phone:
[Thomas: Deadpool is a hit. Critics are wrong. Audiences love it. Add screens.]
Outside, the family from earlier walked past - the two rejected boys.
The younger: "Four more years..."
Thomas smiled.
Four years from now, that kid would finally see this movie.
And it would still be just as insane.
He headed home, already planning the weekend rush.
Opening night was over.
The phenomenon was just beginning.
….
Thomas once again checked out the critics' reactions.
The first critic's review hit Twitter before the opening credits had finished rolling in New York.
@FilmCriticDan: Just walked out of DEADPOOL. What did I just watch? This isn't a movie. It's a film school dropout's fever dream. Regal has finally lost it. 2/10
By 8:15 PM, the floodgates opened.
@VarietyJessica: DEADPOOL is aggressively unfunny, narratively incoherent, and borderline unwatchable. Reynolds is trying SO hard. Levy has no control. This is what happens when you let a director make whatever he wants with no oversight. D-
@HollywoodReporter: Regal's winning streak ends with DEADPOOL - a meta-disaster that thinks breaking the fourth wall equals comedy. It doesn't. The R-rating feels gratuitous, not earned. Expect this to disappear from theaters by week two.
@IndieWireSophie: I have defended Regal through everything. But DEADPOOL? This is self-indulgent garbage. Jokes that land nowhere. Action that means nothing. A plot that actively mocks the audience for caring. Regal has jumped the shark.
@RollingStoneFilm: DEADPOOL represents everything wrong with modern superhero cinema - cynical, empty, more interested in references than storytelling. Ryan Reynolds plays the same character he always plays but with worse dialogue. 1.5/5 stars.
The consensus was swift and brutal: Rotten Tomatoes launched at 23% Fresh.
…and it was still the same, he just shook his head.
….
Sydney caught Thomas' eye from behind the concession stand, he walked over.
"So?" she asked. "How was it?"
Thomas considered. "A hit."
"Is it that good?"
"No." Thomas smiled. "It's just really, really fun. And I think we're gonna be showing this movie for a long time."
Sydney raised an eyebrow. "The critics said it was terrible."
"The critics aren't the ones buying tickets." Thomas glanced back at the theater entrance, where the next showing was already boarding. "Trust me. This thing's gonna have legs."
He pocketed his phone and walked to his office, already thinking about extending the run, adding more showtimes, maybe even bringing in additional staff for the weekend rush he suspected was coming.
Outside, in the parking lot, he passed the family from earlier - the two boys who'd been turned away.
The younger kid was eating ice cream but still looked miserable.
Thomas almost felt bad.
Almost.
But rules were rules. And in a year, that kid would be able to see Deadpool on streaming, or in theaters if it got a re-release, or - if Thomas's instincts were right - in the sequel that was absolutely going to happen.
For now, though, the movie belonged to the people who could handle it.
And based on what Thomas had just seen, those people were going to make Deadpool one of the most talked-about films of 2015.
Critics be damned.
He smiled and headed back inside.
Opening night was just the beginning.
.
….
[To be continued…]
★─────⇌•★•⇋─────★
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