Holli took her dinner to sit a little out of the firelight, finding a nice spot near the edge of the embankment they'd made camp. The moon was full, the sky was clear, and the temperature was comfortable.
They were travelling to Halamshiral with a much larger group than they usually did. Almost the entirety of the inner circle and the advisors. Cassandra and Blackwall had managed to get out of it, claiming someone had to stay back and keep Skyhold running.
Cole had been given the option to stay back as well while he... came to terms. But he'd opted to come with them, and he was feeling a little better after Hawke had taken him out. And the frequent conversations with Solas and Varric. Holli had noticed a change in him.
Holli heard footsteps coming her way and looked to find Hawke coming to sit beside her.
"Holli," he greeted with a nod, tucking into his own plate of food.
It had been a while since she'd spoken with Hawke one-on-one. He'd been busy, and she hadn't been as accessible these days. He had popped in to check on her once or twice since Adamant, but only for a moment, and she had always played off as fine.
She was getting there, being fine. Thinking about it too much still made her want to throw up, so she just tried not to think about it too much.
"How are you doing?" He asked softly.
"I'm not a puking mess on the floor, so..." She gave him a thumbs up.
"It's a spectrum though; just because you're not a mess on the floor doesn't mean you're fine either."
Holli shrugged. "Everyone's been really nice. And some people sort of... tiptoe around me. Most people only know about my mum, so I'm trying not to be too dramatic."
He looked a bit dumbfounded. "Your mother died, Holli. After my mother was killed, I was... a wreck. You're allowed to scream, and cry, and rage. It is unfair, on top of everything else you lost that day."
Holli looked at him. "What happened to her, your mum? Don't tell me if you don't want to, though."
"She was...murdered. It was... horrific," he said, his voice cracking on the words.
Jesus Christ, did everyone have such horrible stories here?
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
"No, it's – it's all right. I still have my sister and Fenris, Varric. I don't keep up with the others as much as I should, but from time to time... And I have you lot now."
"Lucky you," she scoffed.
Hawke chuckled. "You people aren't so bad."
"What do you mean by 'you people'?" She asked, turning an exaggerated narrow-eyed stare on him.
"Difficult, stubborn smart arses I've got to somehow manage. I swear, I'd have an easier time herding cats."
Holli laughed lightly. "You were surrounded by a bunch of weirdos back in Kirkwall though; you made it work."
Now Hawke laughed. "I started a rebellion that turned into a war and then accidentally set Corypheus free."
"Don't worry; I'm here to clean up your mess," she grinned.
"I'm helping to clean up my own mess, thank you," Hawke ruffled her hair roughly, making a mess of it and drawing an irritated groan from her.
She fixed her hair and let out a sigh, recalling it wasn't just his mess. The explosion at the conclave had been partly her. And there was no fixing that.
"What a pair we make," Hawke sighed, looking out across the vista before them.
"A pair of walking disasters."
Hawke huffed a laugh. "The Conclave wasn't your fault, Holli. The others have said you're blaming yourself."
"Only partly."
"Even partly is too much. Remember, I saw that memory too. You were barely even conscious, let alone cognisant."
"You didn't know what Anders was going to do; do you hold yourself responsible for that?"
His expression dropped, and she knew the answer. "Partly. But that's different. I wasn't bleeding out, being dragged around by a – What is Riluan, a ghost?"
She shrugged. Riluan was also a difficult topic. If he hadn't done what he did, if she had met him normally, she might have been interested in getting to know him, even after a life of believing him to be a deadbeat dad. He had given up his own life for hers and then given up hundreds, maybe thousands, of other people's lives to save hers. It was hard to get over that.
"Have you spoken to him yet?" Hawke asked. "In the Fade. Obviously."
She shook her head. She hadn't been back into the Fade since Solas came and got her.
"Fuck that guy," she muttered.
Hawke just nodded his understanding, letting the subject drop. They sat together in a comfortable silence, both wondering what they could have done differently and knowing just how much of an impact their actions could have on the world.
Neither one of them could really fathom just how that had happened.
-
Holli eyed herself critically in the mirror. It was the first full-length mirror she had seen since coming to Thedas. Why were they so rare? Still made with silver, not aluminium?
She loved her dress. And she'd done her own hair and makeup. She sort of missed doing it, if she were honest. Didn't seem much point in wearing makeup in Skyhold or while they were travelling. The little kit she kept in her backpack for touch-ups at school hadn't seen much use since coming here.
Josephine had given her a silver sapphire necklace and some sapphire earrings to match.
Holli had kept her hair out, lightly curled, which had been a difficult task without her straightener. Josephine had also given her a blue silk sash; she said it was to match with the others. She'd tied it around her waist, letting it fall to the left of her skirt. It was long enough it matched its length. The blue and silver went quite nicely together.
Holli hadn't seen anyone else yet; they were all getting ready as well. She deemed herself as ready as she'd ever be. It wasn't her school formal; it was far more important than that. The school formal was supposed to be fun, dancing with her friends, eating, and getting shit-faced at the afterparty. Holli was fully intending to get wasted. It was the one time she was going to allow herself to. It was a special night.
But the ball tonight, it was work. She just got to look pretty while she did it.
There was a knock on her door.
"Holli? Are you ready?" She heard Cole's voice through the door.
Holli opened the door for him. "I don't know. Do I look okay?"
She was a little worried the colour washed her out and that her hairstyle may not have been very flattering for her face shape.
He just stared, his eyes travelling down to her feet, then back to her face. Why wasn't he saying anything?
"Do – do I look bad?" She asked softly.
His eyes took on a more serious light, and he shook his head.
Holli noticed he was looking quite nice himself. He was wearing a red and gold jacket, with dark brown pants and boots and a blue sash that matched hers around his waist. His hair was brushed back and tied into a little ponytail. Not all of it was long enough, so a lot of it at the front hung down, framing his face.
"You look really nice, Cole," she said. Pretty hot, actually.
He looked down at himself, like he was surprised she would think so. But when he looked back at her, he had a faint smile on his face. Which just made him cuter.
"The others are downstairs," he said.
She walked with him down to the others. They pretty much had run of the inn since they'd gotten here yesterday. She froze when she saw they were all wearing the same thing.
"Shit, am I not supposed to be wearing this tonight?" She asked.
"You are," Varric said, the first to notice her. "You and Hawke are dressed to match, and we're your attache."
She couldn't see Hawke, still getting ready, she guessed.
"Holli," Josephine gasped out, coming over to her and taking her hands, spreading her arms wide to get a look at her. "You look wonderful."
"Uh, I'm feeling a little out of place now. Maybe I should be wearing what you guys are wearing," she said, anxiety bubbling to the surface.
"No, you and Hawke are our front. The faces of the Inquisition. You have this," she said, picking up the blue sash and letting it glide through her fingers. "This is our unifying feature. Besides, you look stunning. Doesn't she look beautiful, Cole?"
"Holli always looks beautiful," he replied, like he didn't understand why he was being asked.
Holli felt her cheeks flush at his words.
"Josephine, as pretty as this looks, it's too tight around the waist," Hawke said, pulling at the silver doublet he was wearing.
It did match her dress and had the blue sash as well, and the vines like hers too. His pants and boots were black, however.
"Holli," he said when he noticed her, blinking in what she could only describe as surprise. "You look lovely."
No sarcastic comment, and it wasn't a backhanded compliment. If anything looked off about her, he would certainly be the first to make light of it.
"So do you," she replied.
"Mighty uncomfortable though. How about you?"
She shook her head. "I'm loving everything about my dress," she said as she swished the skirt in her hands.
He shot her a sour look before turning back to Josephine. "Josephine, it's too tight."
"There's little I can do about that now. You had plenty of opportunity to work with the tailors."
"I was busy, you know... running an Inquisition."
All the advisors stopped what they were doing to stare him down for that one.
"I suppose I can bear with it for one night," he conceded.
"We are expecting trouble and have made arrangements to smuggle your armour and weapons into the palace," Leliana told him. "So you may not even have to wear it the whole night."
That disappointed her a little; she wanted to stay in her dress. This may be the only occasion she would ever get to wear it. No, this was work. They weren't here for fun.
"All right," Josephine clapped her hands together to get their attention. "Is everybody ready? Best behaviour. Sera, no stealing. Cole, no... revealing people's secrets. Holli, watch your language. Varric, no gambling. Iron Bull, no violence or 'displays of strength.' Hawke, watch your witticisms."
Holli snickered at that last one.
"I'm sure everyone will behave," Leliana said, shooting them all a warning look before ushering Josephine towards the door.
"Witticisms? What was that tone?" Hawke muttered, looking to Fenris for explanation. "I'm hilarious."
"You're an acquired taste," Fenris replied.
"What does that say about your taste?" Sera cackled as she walked past them.
Holli stifled her own laugh. Just because it was work didn't mean they couldn't have some fun, maybe.