Holli had taken to sitting on the battlements bundled in her coat, snow boots, and woollen hat reading a book while she waited for Solas to come back. Cole would often sit with her, keeping her company. She liked talking with him; the times in which he actually made sense were becoming a little more frequent. He still jumped back into random cryptic comments she could find no connection to, but on the whole, two-sided conversations flowed a lot easier these days.
It had been days since Solas had left, however, and they were both worried about him. Holli feared he'd been hurt or injured out there on his own. Cole was more concerned with his inner turmoil. While she worried about that as well, it was his physical safety she distressed over more right now.
Grief... sucked. But as she was learning, it was possible to distance yourself from it in time. But if he were hurt and alone, he could die.
On the sixth day of his absence, Holli and Cole were sitting up on the battlements over the gate so they could watch the bridge once again. Cole was lying down with his head in her lap, and she was absently playing with his hair while she read. He liked it when she scraped her nails along his scalp. She liked the way he would smile up at her from beneath her book when she peeked down at him.
Her boyfriend in high school had never spent time with her like this, just enjoying her company. This was nice.
"Solas."
She heard Cole mutter, and she lowered her book, looking down at the bridge. Sure enough, he was walking across it, no worse for wear. Cole was up quickly, offering her his hand so she could climb down safely, and then they both hurried down to the courtyard.
"Solas!" Holli called as he came through the gate.
She ran at him, hugging him tightly around the waist.
"Holli," he greeted softly, one of his hands resting on her head.
From the corner of her eye she could see Cole lingering nearby, looking unsure. She felt Solas sag a little before he extended his other arm, and Cole flung his own around them both. He was a little more hesitant with physical affection than her. Hand-holding he was fine with, but anything more he seemed to agonise a little over it first. Less so with herself, at least.
"We were worried about you," she told Solas. "We weren't sure you would come back."
"I would at least let you know; I'd never just vanish without a word to you," he assured her.
They both let him go and took a step back, taking him in.
"Probably the stupidest question in the history of stupid questions, but are you ok?" She asked.
There was a faint flash of amusement at her words before it quickly died. "It hurts. It always does, but I will survive."
"Where did you go?" She asked.
"I found a quiet spot and went to sleep. I visited the place in the Fade where my friend used to be. It's empty, but there are stirrings of energy in the Void. Someday something new may grow there."
"What happens when a spirit dies?"
She saw his eyes flicker towards Cole for a moment, but he spoke to her. "It isn't the same as for mortals. The energy of spirits returns to the Fade. If the idea giving the spirit form is strong, or if the memory has shaped other spirits, it may someday rise again."
"So they could come back?" She asked hopefully.
"No, not really. A spirit's natural state is peaceful semi-existence. It is rare to be able to reflect reality. Something similar may reform one day, but it might have a different personality. It would likely not remember me. It would not be the friend I knew."
"Oh..."
She itched to hug him again; it was how she comforted her close friends—just Yvette and Curtis. Their group hugs could last ages when one of them was upset. And she already knew there were no right words. Solas was also quite solitary; she wasn't sure if it was by choice or out of habit. He indulged her already; she doubted he'd have the patience to let that continue.
She opened her mouth to speak but wasn't sure what to say.
"I'll be fine, Holli."
"I know." She just hated seeing people she cared about hurting. "Me and Cole are around, if you need. For what it's worth, we're glad you're back."
"It's worth a lot, da'len."
He patted her on the head and rested a hand on Cole's shoulder as he passed by them to make his way inside. The pair watched him go.
"This sucks," she sighed, looking at Cole.
He only nodded his agreement before offering his hand out to her. She took it and let him lead her towards the tavern. She wasn't hungry, but she knew they weren't going to eat, just hang out on the top floor. Maryden's music was always nice to listen to, and the sound of other people talking and laughing brought its own kind of comfort.
They drew a few looks as they passed through. Most people had figured out there was something going on between them. She'd heard a few whispers here and there about how weird it was—not in those words. Mostly because people thought Cole was weird. And those that knew he was a manifested spirit found it even stranger.
Honestly, she tried not to dwell on it too much. Cole was Cole, and he'd become quite special to her. And he'd been protecting her since the moment they met, pretty much. Protecting, supporting. Obviously her protection would be quite useless to him, but she did try and support him when he was feeling troubled or confused about something. Or when one of his attempts to help had backfired. It didn't happen often, but it did happen.
Sometimes she wondered about the real Cole, and her Cole was open to talking about him when she had questions. What happened to that boy was horrific and unfair.
To most people, however, they were just two teenagers in puppy love. Sounded stupid to her. Cole found it amusing for some reason.
On the top floor they took a seat on the floor, sliding their legs through the railing and staring down below.
"How was Solas, for realsies?" She asked.
"Not empty, but a space where something... drifted away. Like a stone dropping into a lake, the ripples are spreading. It takes time for the water to still. You know."
She conceded that point. She did know. She also knew how much she wanted to run away from it and live in a fantasy land she could control where her mother loved her and her friends were alive. She was ready to abandon the living world for it, her living, breathing body for it. She would still be there if Solas hadn't come and gotten her.
There were still some days she wasn't sure if she'd made the right decision in coming back. Those days were agony. The comforting lie, or the painful truth...
She rested her head on Cole's shoulder, watching the people down below. He wrapped his arm around her, leaning his head on top of hers as they listened to the dulcet tones of Maryden's lute.
-
Holli watched Adan as he set the last piece of paper down. He looked at her, his brow furrowed. He leaned back in his seat, his eyes meeting hers. She had just finished translating the head and neck section of the Atlas of Human Anatomy. The drawings were by far the hardest part about it; tracing helped. She had also used anatomy books Adan had. They were woefully underdeveloped. She had used their words to label things, and anything they didn't have a label for, she'd used her own words, translating them as best she could.
"This is... incredible," he told her. "Many of these labels won't mean much; explanations will need to be provided—on their functions and how they work."
Holli nodded. He was right. The atlas was mostly just pictures and labels. While she knew the functions of most of these things and how they worked from other books, websites, and documentaries, there were some things she didn't know. But everything she did know, she would write down and add it to the book. She would create one of the largest and most comprehensive medical texts in this world. The prospect was a little daunting, but come hell or high water, she'd fucking manage it.
One of the problems she had was how different were elves, dwarves, and Qunari? While there might be some—maybe even a lot—of similarities, there were going to be differences. Hell, there were pretty glaring differences just in men and women of the same species—in the way they were built, in the way they presented with different symptoms for the same illnesses, and in the way medication worked on them. It would be different for the other races and then different again for both males and females of that race.
"After each diagram I'll have more in-depth explanations," she told Adan. "This book doesn't have it. I'll have to work from memory, but I have a pretty good one, so it'll be reliable. But there are some things I just don't know."
The recall she had was something she loved, one of the most useful things about her brain. But she was smart too, able to make leaps of logic that most, if not all, of her classmates missed.
She hadn't intended on wasting it. She had been planning to make something of herself. A doctor for sure, of what she hadn't decided. But going into medical research had also been one of her interests. Looked like she might be doing a lot of that here—though just to even try and catch up with her own world, not even advance it. But then, she had magic at her disposal. If she could figure out a way to combine magic and the medical field not only for healing but also for diagnostics or monitoring... Spells to perform the functions of the machines they used would be super useful. She wanted non-mages to be able to benefit from whatever she came up with as well.
"I don't suppose you have any books that go into the other races' biology, do you?" Holli asked.
"I don't, but I'll send out enquiries and see what I can find."
"That would be awesome, thanks, Adan."
Holli shook out her hand, a bit achey from all the writing. Eventually what pens she had were going to run out of ink, and she would have to use the implements they had here. That was going to be a sad day. Maybe she could invent pens. Not plastic ones, obviously. The refillable kind. None of this dipping quills in ink nonsense. Just messy and inconvenient.
She missed home.
The thought used to spark pain and sadness; now it brought guilt with it. How could she even think of leaving Cole? And the friends she'd made here.
Not that it mattered, she was never going home. There was no way to do it without the orb, from the sounds of it, and even if she did, she could end up causing another explosion on both sides. And even if she could go home—what? Foster care? She had distant relatives, she supposed—second cousins, sort of aunts and uncles. Would they even take her in? They'd only met her like once, at her nan's funeral. Her mum had never been close with any of them for as long as Holli had been alive.
Holli shook off the thoughts, shoved them down, tucked them away, and glanced about the infirmary. Mr. Loewe was still here; he truly was putting in the work to get stronger and regain full functionality. His problem was going too hard and not giving himself enough time to rest. He said he'd been sitting down the last ten years; he needed to make up for lost time.
Movement in the doorway caught her eye, and she saw Cole standing there. He gave her that too-cute smile of his and a little wave.
She looked to the window to see the sun was setting. He had told her he would meet her for dinner. She smiled back and held up a finger, letting him know she'd be a second. She just had to pack up her stuff and get it out of Adan's way so he could have his desk back.
"See you tomorrow, Adan," she called as she made her way to Cole.
"Enjoy your evening, lass," he called back.
Cole held his hand out to her, and she took it, her stomach flipping. Eventually maybe that would stop happening. But for now, just his touch set butterflies off in her stomach. She wondered if Cole felt the same. But she didn't know how to ask without sounding stupid. She didn't want to be one of those girls. She'd heard how boys would get annoyed with them.
They made their way to the Herald's Rest, Holli ordering some dinner. Varric waved them over; he was sitting on his own.
"Good evening, children," he greeted as they sat.
"Hello, old man," Holli greeted in turn.
"You two are looking cosy," he noted.
"And you're looking lonely. Where's Hawke?"
Since the Inquisitor came here, he was usually in the company of Varric whenever they saw him around Skyhold.
"We're not joined at the hip," he chuckled.
"Could have fooled me," she said, leaning her elbows on the table, chin on hand. "Must be nice having him around again."
The pair had been friends for ten years before this, hanging out almost every day, getting up to mischief, shenanigans, and rebellions.
"It is. It's not like it was before; stakes are certainly higher."
Cabot brought over her meal, and she slid the plate over to share between the three of them as she thanked him. Holli still didn't have much of an appetite.
"I heard Solas was back," Varric said, plucking one of the potatoes from the plate as Holli nodded. "You've seen him?"
She nodded again.
"How is he?"
"Sad."
"I'll take something to drink with him later."
Holli knew the pair were friends, obviously not Varric/Hawke close, but Solas was definitely closer with Varric than any of the others.
"Not tea."
"No," Varric chuckled. "Harder than tea."
"Ew, not your paint-stripping swill."
"No, I think I can spare some of the hard and good stuff."
"Well, good luck with that."
"And what do you two have planned for the evening?" He asked with a waggle of his eyebrows. "Nothing you shouldn't, I hope."
"Oh good God, you're not going to give me the talk again, are you?" She asked.
"You've both received talks from me; I'd like to think you're both smart enough to not be stupid. But then, you've surprised me in the past."
Holli rolled her eyes before looking at Cole. "Varric gave you the sex talk?"
"He tried to. I already knew."
She would be lying if she said she hadn't wondered what he knew. He did come off as kind of naive; she had assumed he was a virgin, as she was.
"Do you know?" Cole asked.
Holli's cheeks flushed, but she nodded.
"Great, you both know, and you both know not now," Varric warned. "We have world-ending problems to focus on right now."
"That's not stopping other people from hooking up," Holli pointed out.
"No chance of babies between Bull and Dorian though."
Could Cole even have kids? He didn't need to eat or sleep; did his biology even work the same way as a normal human? Well, clearly it didn't. An unwanted pregnancy might not even be something they needed to worry about.
They were also getting way ahead of themselves. They hadn't even properly kissed since the Winter Palace. Just held hands; he kissed her on the cheek once. Sex wasn't even something that had crossed their minds.
"Yeah, you don't need to worry about babies from us either," Holli told him, trying not to sound as embarrassed as she felt.
"Good, good," he said, tapping his knuckles on the table for emphasis as he stood up. "I'll see you two tomorrow."
He left them at the table then, and she looked over to Cole. "Eat with me?" She asked.
She knew he didn't need to eat, but that he could if he wanted. He nodded, pulling the plate closer to the two of them.
It was almost like a date.