He's leaving.
I knew he would be leaving soon, he'd already told me about his PhD. But seeing him there and talking to him about it made it all the more real, and I didn't want to lose him. I remembered all the time we'd spent, how he'd helped me, how I cared for him and despite everything that had happened, I'd miss him. Maintaining our distance would've been easier if we'd not met again, but meeting again on the day of the camp made me realize some things and thus comes my current dilemma.
Is it better to stay mad & let the other person move away, or to get back in touch with them, fix the misunderstanding & live with knowing that your time is limited?
Our time together is limited, that's why I want to cherish it more, and spend more time with him, give him more gifts, make our interactions meaningful. I feel this way because I know he'll leave. That our time together is ending…
And that's the thing. Our supposed time, that I think we have left, is ending. Our time that was written by Allah, the time we'd spend together, our last meeting, our lifeline — they could end at any moment. Maybe they already did. My assumption is that our last meeting would be in 2 months, but it very well could've been the day before yesterday and I wouldn't have known.
And that does make me think. If I treated every relationship like that, would my life be different? Would it be more fulfilling & happier? Would I have better relationships because I'd be treating them better? No one knows what our last day on earth will be and when it will be. The friend that I'm so scared of losing could very well pass away earlier, I could too, we could move. Anything could happen. So then why does this make me panic, and the reality that all can and will end doesn't?
No one is promised life.We're not promised our next meeting. So spend every meeting like it's your last.
Why don't we enjoy life more? Why not?If I knew I'd die tomorrow, what would I do? That is something I want to ask myself, but I have no idea what the answer to that will be. Because I'd never asked myself that before. It never occurred to me. And that is why I miss the idea of him being away. He makes me think and introspect, and even after meeting him I feel the remnants of our conversation linger.
I feel myself growing as a person, my mindset expanding. I become softer towards other people & I didn't know that it was possible. For someone to change you that much. I thought I'd learnt everything I could from him, but every meeting makes me realize that I have something more that I have yet to learn. And it wasn't even our conversation this time, it was just his presence. It brings out the soft part of me. How and why, I don't know, but it happens.
Why though? Why does his presence do this to me?
I think it's because I feel safe around him. When I'm near him, I don't have to guard myself so much, so the softer side of me comes out.
It's also like he mirrors something inside me that I didn't even know existed. He brings it out without even trying. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about it afterward — because it's not really about him, it's about the version of me that comes alive when he's there.
And maybe it's because even when he's gone, the feeling lingers. Like I carry his influence with me somehow. The way he talks, the way he thinks — it stays in my head and makes me reflect more deeply.
I guess certain people just have that effect. They awaken something in you. You don't even realize you were waiting for it until it happens.
The Greeks had a word for it — anam cara, soul friend. Someone who unlocks you, just by being there.
I think that's what he was for me.
He unlocked so many words I didn't know existed and I like it, I don't hate it. What I do hate is losing him, and being without my friend.
~
Writing this made me so emotional that I ended up talking to my colleague for an hour about him and an old college friend leaving.
(P.S. she isn't actually leaving, it just slipped out of my mouth then & I had to maintain the story. This is the first time I've told my colleague this much about my friendship with him.)
I asked ChatGPT for gift ideas & they were sweet. One of them said to write letters that were not to be opened until a certain time, and I thought I'd do it, but just the thought of it makes me cry. That he'll be gone forever. A part of me always knew it would end, but I didn't think it would be this soon. I wonder why I'm so bad with goodbyes. I don't like it, and I wonder why it's always the goodbyes that seem like they'd be forever.
But then I thought… if God wills, we will meet again. Maybe God only wrote for us to meet and talk to each other for this time, and after that we weren't meant to meet anymore. After all, we only spend as much time as is written for us. And if Allah has it planned that we will cross paths again, then nothing can stop it. So I try to stay hopeful with that thought—that his role in my life was meant to be just this much. I can't change it. That's what dunya is—temporary. We get attached, but in the end, we're all meant to leave.
I hate the thought of losing him. I don't like him romantically anymore, but I do like his company. There were times when we both sorta got on each other's nerves, but yesterday did make things better. Now I don't hate him as much, lol. And though that's good, it also makes me sad because I'll miss him more now. But I don't want to waste any more time. I'll make the best of the time I have, and we'll see the rest later.