"I'm losing my mind! No, I'm not crazy—Kreacher is!"
Sirius Black slumped onto the couch, his hands tangled in his hair, making it messier than ever.
"I have no idea what kind of insane instructions Kreacher received from my mother, but he's been nagging me to get married from morning till night—"
Perhaps it wasn't an order from Mrs. Black.
—Jane Yu decided to keep her mouth shut and refrain from commenting.
Soon enough, Kreacher appeared as usual, dragging his oversized feet and wearing the new clothes Jane had given him. Step by step, he carried a rag and meticulously wiped an already spotless cabinet, all the while muttering loud enough for everyone in the living room to hear:
"Useless scoundrel, 36 years old and still leeching off my mistress's house like some parasite. Spent all those years in Azkaban, no marriage, no proper job—completely lazy, broke, and a disgrace. Not a single girl would look at him."
Everyone turned to Sirius with strange expressions. Even his friend Lupin couldn't help but cast a sympathetic glance his way.
"At his age, no one wants him. Having a master like him, Kreacher can't even hold his head high in front of other house-elves. Of course, he might claim that his werewolf friend and the Potter boy are more important, but once they settle down with families of their own, let's see who will still care about him."
Sirius gaped in disbelief, while the unfairly implicated Harry and Lupin shared the same stunned expression.
"Kreacher, what nonsense are you spouting?" The three of them protested in unison. "We would never neglect Sirius!"
Kreacher turned his head sorrowfully, casting them a disdainful look before continuing his tirade:
"At least they're doing better than the master. One had the fortune to study with Miss Jane; the other was lucky enough to get a proper job from her. But the master? He's nothing, not even able to find himself a girlfriend."
"Why would I need a girlfriend?" Sirius exploded in fury. "What gives you the right to say that?"
But Kreacher ignored him, his raspy voice continuing to drone on:
"You should know, my master at this age already had children running around. Look at Miss Cissy; her child is old enough to attend Hogwarts and even study alongside the esteemed Miss Jane. And Miss Bella, though in prison, also settled down early. Even the family traitor, Miss Andromeda, has a child who's nearly of age to start a family. But the ridiculous Master Sirius? He's aged disgracefully, without even a child to his name—"
For what seemed like the hundredth time, Sirius slammed his fist on the table, shouting in anger:
"Shut up! Do you think they're shining examples of anything? Aside from Andromeda, the two you mentioned are supporters of the Dark Lord!"
This time, the commotion was loud enough to draw Mrs. Weasley upstairs from the kitchen, where she had been making syrup.
For some reason—perhaps a motherly instinct for matchmaking—she found herself somewhat siding with Kreacher. She couldn't help but chime in:
"Kreacher is only concerned about you, Sirius. Honestly, I have to admit, you really should start thinking about your future."
Her gaze swept between Sirius and Lupin, a sudden hint of matchmaking fervor in her eyes.
"You two, you're not getting any younger. If you're interested, I could introduce you to a few—"
"No, thank you," Sirius cut her off icily. Lupin also shook his head vigorously.
The Weasley children collectively shivered.
Faced with such a mother, a sense of unease compelled them to huddle together and whisper.
"Do you think Mum will start nagging us like Kreacher one day?" Ron asked, his instincts sharp as ever. He frowned and muttered, "We're three years from graduation. I don't think I'll ever bring a girl home in such a short time—maybe I'll never get married."
"Then you're doomed, Ron," Ginny replied mercilessly. "You don't realize that our jobs and marriages are Mum's built-in tasks—like that KPI thing Jane mentioned? If you don't get married, you'll be the ultimate disappointment. Bill and Charlie are already on the brink of losing it from her nagging."
Finding allies, Kreacher immediately shifted his tone, adopting a sarcastic and mocking demeanor:
"Kreacher is truly grateful that a lady from the Prewett family shares this view. Even if she married a blood traitor, she still managed to have seven children, ensuring her family's legacy flourishes."
"Too bad the useless master still thinks he's a young lad, with no self-awareness about his age or any sense of responsibility for the family's continuation. Immature and ignorant—"
Faced with such relentless matchmaking prowess, Sirius was left speechless, retreating step by step.
He yelled, "Shut up! I have Harry as my godson!" before transforming into a large dog and bolting out the door, seemingly unwilling to set foot in the old house again anytime soon.
Kreacher, however, wore a secretive and satisfied smile, as if the room had suddenly become much brighter.
But he didn't stop there. Turning his attention to Sirius's godson and potential heir, Harry, he began a new round of criticism:
"The master's Potter boy is just as ungrateful. All this time, he's never once considered his godfather's well-being."
"If he truly cared, he would have urged him to settle down and start a family. But no, he keeps all of the master's attention for himself—"
A dumbfounded Harry dashed upstairs, burying his head under a pillow to block out the noise.
Though he knew Kreacher's words were just intended to mock and provoke, a small part of him couldn't help but think there was some truth to them.
A twinge of guilt over his godfather's unfulfilled happiness lingered in Harry's mind, compelling him, on the first day of term—
To offer Sirius a heartfelt suggestion during their farewell at the train station, urging him to seriously consider the matter.
Feeling as though everyone around him had gone mad, Sirius hastily bid goodbye to Harry and Jane, not even bothering to transform into a dog to chase the train.
It seemed the topic of matchmaking had miraculously cured both his and his godson's separation anxiety.
A true medical marvel.
The story isn't over...
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