AS THE SILENCE THAT COVERED US
At the King's Chovgan Club, the polo team comes to the arena for serious training. I come here to support them, along with Irin and her official boyfriend, James. Felicia, with her two besties, is sitting on a bench on the other side. Some parents are in the audience as well. I see Mrs. Oskar by herself with her assistant, whom I see from time to time. The coaches are on the field with all the team players and the beautiful horses.
"People are into this game too much?" Irin questions. "Vik's dad is here too," she says, and I look at the man with golden hair that is a bit faded—ashy—with a hound-like look. "He's looking good," she says.
"Vik's father?" I ask.
"What—no," she says and hurriedly looks at James. "No, babe." Then she turns to me. "I mean your boy... By the way, how is it going? Any updates?" She leans her shoulder against me and bumps into mine, making her teasing face.
"Not much—" I say, but if the update with my creeper counts, then yes.
Irin doesn't know about him. I haven't told anyone, not even the police. I've threatened him so many times, but I haven't reached out to or called the police station yet.
The staff has replaced our empty glasses with new ones. I drink while watching Tytas lead the team. I have always seen this look on him: calm with a bit of intimidation, and ambitious with those eyes. He looks hot, but he can also scare girls away or make them run to him. He's the leader for sure, no doubt about that.
And then I see Tytas's eyes turn toward me, and he gives me a little smirk, or a slight curl of his lips, before quickly turning his face back to the game.
"What the hell was that?" Irin asks immediately.
I chuckle. "I think I will volunteer at the hospital," I say.
"Ah—that's nice. I think it's the best choice for you, but will they open it up to students like us?"
"Gotta ask. You never know." I look at the horses' legs, which are impressive because they can run all day and have to carry big men on their backs.
"Yeah, go ahead. You might be the first student from Apollon Academy, he-hee." Irin squeezes my body like I'm a lemon.
"Stop, you're gonna kill her." Then a man's voice speaks up from behind us, and he pushes Irin's face away from me. It's Ivan, Irin's older brother. "Ziaaa—" He calls me, sits behind us, grabs my head, and shakes it.
"Ah—Ivan," I say along with the motion of my head.
"Mum asked for you. You haven't come for dinner for a couple of days now," Ivan says, pushing my face up to look at him.
"I will—ill," I reply while he keeps twirling my head.
"Hehehe," Irin chuckles. "And stop, she'll puke." Irin hits Ivan's hand. "Why are you here anyway?" she asks.
I pat my hair to get rid of the mess and let them have their conversation because it seems a bit private, even in public. Though they're right next to me, I can't hear anything.
I notice Tytas watching me for a minute. Then his friend calls him to go back to training.
"So that's your boyfriend?" Ivan asks, moving his face between Irin and me. "Tytas Oskar," he says.
"I—" I stutter. Irin and Ivan turn their heads toward me after my weird reaction. "I don't know if we're—officially," I say.
"What!?" they say at the same time.
"Isn't it obvious?" Irin furrows her brows.
"We are dating—I guess—but," I say.
"But what?" Irin asks.
"Did he do anything to you? He did something, didn't he!?" Ivan raises his voice, and I quickly cover his mouth with my hand.
"No." I pull my hand back. "But he never asked me to be his girlfriend, and we haven't talked about—" I pause and look at them as they stare at me in confusion. Then James tilts his head to look at me too. "Is it normal that we don't have to ask for—or have any confirmation about it? And we're just together? Without saying anything? Is it really official, then?" I ask out of curiosity, and they say nothing. "Am I overthinking? I don't mind, though. I'm kind of okay with this."
"Hmm." Ivan shifts his eyes toward his sister. "It depends. Normally, we don't need confirmation because we know what we are, we're together, and everyone knows," Ivan explains. "But some couples want clarification about their relationship and want to feel more at ease. That's normal too."
"When you say you don't mind, what about him? Did he really not ask you about it?" Irin asks, raising her eyebrow. "It's him, Tytas. He would do anything to have that affirmation. To be your official boyfriend."
"So? It's him, so what? Boys are boys. Especially a boy like Oskar—he can open himself up to any girl if he's not—" Irin slaps his face lightly to shut him up.
I can totally hear the sound.
"He's been obsessed with Zia for years. Think about it. If they're open and not official, Zia is also open, isn't she? And boys will be after her too. Do you think Tytas wants that?"
"Guys, it's okay because I don't actually know myself," I say lightly.
Both of them turn their heads toward me again, but I say nothing else and drink while looking at him on the field.
"But I do love words of affirmation," I add.
Suddenly, Ivan hugs me from behind. "I do love you, my little Zia."
"What the fuck? Get off her, you idiot!" Irin quickly hits her brother violently. "But I do love you too," Irin turns to say to me.
"Oh God—" I sigh and smile at these two siblings.
"You do whatever feels right, Zia," Ivan says, grabbing my head. "You're still young, so don't worry too much about this. Follow your heart and have fun." He smiles sweetly.
"Hehe, you sound like my father." I chuckle lightly.
The corners of his lips lift a little higher before slowly settling back into place. "But if he—" he says.
"If he hurts me, I'll tell you,"
"Good girl." He squeezes me the way Irin does. "I'll get going."
"Just go, idiot," Irin says. Ivan pushes Irin's head, pulls his other hand away from me, and then leaves the arena.
We turn to watch the team. I hope our loud noise doesn't ruin their practice. Then I notice Mrs. Oskar waving at me. She probably heard us chatting from across the arena. I nod politely with a smile. Then a few audience members on that side turn to look at me.
"Hey," Irin whispers, her facial expression a bit dull. I wait for her to speak rather than asking what's on her mind. "He's back," she says.
"Who's back?" I ask.
"Zygmunt," she says, shifting her eyes toward me. "We thought he was gone—dead," she continues.
I look at her blankly because I'm shocked, totally shocked.
Is she being serious?
"Not just my brother and me... his parents as well." Irin pauses.
He's back?
I calm myself and look at the sky. "I didn't think that way," I say with a slight air slipping out.
"Seriously?" She doesn't believe it. "Two years without a letter or any news."
"Yes, seriously... I don't think he would die that easily," I say in a steady voice while my organs are all mixed up inside.
"Why?" she asks.
I shut myself for a second. "I just feel that way," I reply.
Zygmunt was a tough guy—always tough, strong, and buff. We never interacted that much—I could count the times—but I knew he was strong, not just physically.
"I didn't think you guys were close—girl, did you know something I didn't?" she asks curiously.
Should I tell her about that night? The night changed me entirely, at least the part inside.
While my head is somewhere else, the man in front of me says my name.
"Zia." I blink to clear the vision of the past. "Letizia, are you all right?"
And I can see and hear the man in front of me again.
"Hi, I'm sorry," I say.
Tytas steps closer, lays both hands on the bench, and corners me between his arms. "Are you sure?" he asks again.
"Yes." Then I give a quick look at Irin, who moves her butt farther away from me to be near her boyfriend, acting innocent. "You're done training?" I ask.
"Fifteen minutes left. I wanted to see you first," he says. "I don't mind if you leave early, Zia." He raises his left hand to touch my hair. "I don't want you to be bored," he explains. "Your hair—is a bit messy," he says, glancing at me like he wants something from me. "I didn't know you were that close to Irin's brother," he says.
"Yeah, we're close—"
"Heh, I'm jealous," he says.
"Why? Aren't we... close too?" I say softly as I look at him curiously.
He licks his lips and gives me a tiny smile. "Yes, but I meant—"
"You don't like him being that close to me," I say lightly.
He looks into my eyes and nods.
"Not just him," he adds. He leans his face closer to me, his nose almost touching my cheek. "Am I allowed to do that? Am I your boyfriend, Zia?" he asks under his breath. "If I win, can I be your boyfriend?" He looks up at me as his lips almost touch mine. "I want to call you my girlfriend—proudly."
I gasp.
"Please say yes," he says, his dazzling eyes begging.
"Yes," I say.
Then he kisses me deeply and holds my face, kissing me even deeper.
"Ahem—cough." Irin makes a sound. "I don't want to interrupt, but everybody is watching right now."
Tytas slowly pulls his lips away, turns his head to look back, and smiles a little.
"I think I have to go." He turns to me, but I don't respond. He smiles and returns to the field, and I notice everyone in the background quickly turning their faces somewhere else. I see Mrs. Oskar give Tytas a thumbs-up, and he shakes his head at his mother. Then I shift my eyes and accidentally see Vik glaring at me as if he wants me dead.
"Well, well, that's why people say to be careful what you wish for," Irin whispers.
-TWO TEARS AGO-
"What about your mum?" I asked.
"She's on a trip," Zygmunt replied with a low breath.
"A trip, huh?" I said lightly as I supported him up the front porch, through the hall, and into the living room before eventually putting him on the sofa. As he sat down, blood spurted out. "Oh God—" I said in shock, my tone steady, but my face felt cold all the way down to my neck. Even though the room was dark, I knew my face was very pale at that moment.
"Stay here. I—" I started to get up, turning left and right, when I noticed the kitchen. "Please stay still," I said, glancing at his wound.
I ran to the kitchen, found a large bowl, rinsed it out, and opened the cabinet to look for something that could help. I found a pair of scissors, turned off the water, opened the fridge, and took out a bottle of vodka. I also needed something to numb the pain.
Fuck.
I quickly tucked the vodka bottle under my armpit, put the scissors in my mouth, and held the bowl of water. Then I walked back to him and put everything down on the floor.
"Painkillers?" I asked.
"Bathroom," he responded right away. "Wait—"
I immediately went to the bathroom. There was a cabinet beside the mirror, and I opened it.
Geez, there were so many.
I carefully scanned every row. "Found it," I said when I saw the needle box. I stared at it and took it out. Before I left, I also pulled out a clean towel and the ice tray from the freezer.
I laid everything down and gently pushed him back by the chest.
"What are you doing?" he asked in shock.
"Lie down," I said.
"What?" He looked a little stunned.
"Slowly—" I said, gently holding him down as he looked at me without blinking. I tried to drag and pull his T-shirt up, revealing the wound. I saw how bloody and exposed it was. I looked up at him, then knelt on the floor and took out the ice cubes.
"Do you know what you're doing—" he asked lightly, but I pushed a few ice cubes into his mouth before he could finish the question.
"No, but you're too stubborn to go to the hospital," I said furiously. "Suck on them—" I said as I dipped the towel into the bowl of water. "I'm scared—" I added lightly as I gently pressed and wiped around the wound.
"Zia—" He said my name and started to get up.
I pushed him back into the same position. "I'm scared you'll pass out." He looked at me. "So suck on that ice." I was angry and scared at the same time. "I'm all you've got—like it or not—because I don't want you to bleed to death."
Then I gave him the painkillers.
"How many should I take?" he asked with a little smirk.
"I—I don't know," I said. "Just take some, but not the whole bottle." I glared at him, then opened the vodka bottle and hesitated before pouring it onto his fresh wound.
Then I felt a tingling beneath my feet, so I inhaled and poured it onto the towel instead. I started cleaning the wound with the alcohol-soaked towel.
"Umm—" He made a sound.
Shit. I wiped all the blood from around the wound, then opened the needle box and took out the needle. I found the suture—the suture I was very confused about. I wondered why he had it inside the box instead of regular thread.
"Are you—" he said as he watched me.
I took out my phone and searched for a video on how to stitch up a wound. I placed the phone between his legs. He looked at me like I was crazy for doing this.
"Zia, you don't have to do it," he said.
"Why? Are you scared?" I asked as I carefully studied the video.
"Heh, no, but—" He paused, and I could feel his gaze on me. He could see how terrified I was.
"You have no choice," I said while putting the suture through the needle's tiny hole. "I'm going to do it anyway," I added.
I bit my lip and started.
The quiet sounds and atmosphere calmed me and scared me to death at the same time. I tried so hard to keep my hands as steady as my face while the silence covered us. I looked up at him from time to time to make sure he was still there—alive, breathing with me.
His eyes blinked slowly, probably feeling a little numb from the ice and the pain. Then he slowly raised his hand toward my face. I looked at him, wondering what he was doing. I commanded every system inside my body not to cry.
He stopped, and I shifted my eyes back to his wound, which was almost finished. I used the scissors to cut the suture after tying everything the way the video had taught me.
He hadn't even fucking screamed or cried.
Then I felt him stroke my hair. "You did a good job," he said.
I slowly turned my face toward him, leaned into his hand, touched his palm, and gently rubbed my cheek against its warmth.
I wanted to cry.
I was scared—too scared to face everything that would come after this moment.