I will have to inevitably do it someday, I know I will, I know I will have to hang up my clothes at some point, I know I'll have to study at some point, I know I'll have to change myself a bit at some point, I know, I know I'll have to wash the dishes at some point. Why? I don't want to see people hurt, I don't want to get scolded, I don't want my mom to scold me, I don't want people to act like they're in more pain than me, I don't want to have a bleak future if I don't study, I don't want to stay stagnant if I don't change and improve, I know it will all have to happen someday, because of me, because at the very core, I don't want consequences, I still want a good future, I wanna be better than I was before.
Yet can it just hold? Can life just stop for a long while? Can I just say anything and nothing will happen? Can I just say things that may curse or harm someone but it never does? No, it doesn't relate to what I said, but I just thought about it, and I wanna say it out, can I just procrastinate? To do things at the very end? I know that's dumb and makes me suffer even more, but atleast I've done it right? I just, I wanna rest, as much as I can, before doing something where I'm scared again, before moving on to the next stage, before settling something and having to do it again, because... I have repetition, I'm sure that's obvious given how inconsistent and random I am, I hate repetition, that's why I try to be special, I try to be different from others, because I can't stand being the same, I can't stand everything just repeating all over again, I'm just repeating what someone did and went through, I don't, I don't want that, even if I've already read stories that taught me that everyone is special, in their own way, so I don't have to go out of my way to be special, but I just, I want to be different from other people, it's more fun that way, it's more entertaining that way, it's less boring than way, yet people tell me to not do that, it's "embarrassing", it's "dumb", it's "attention-seeking", it's "meaningless". Please, shut up, SYBAU, please. Yet I wouldn't dare to say that, since they have every right of telling me these things even if my thought process of why I do random things makes sense to me, even if it's more fun that way, they're still doing things better than me, a higher result, or maybe it's just words, but words, mean a lot to me, even if there's nothing backing it up, atleast I think so, maybe it's experience, but I don't think it's results, maybe I'm wrong, since I'm always wrong right? I'm scared of sharing this to someone, especially a loved one, cause it might hurt them, it might hurt me, it might change the fun times, I'm scared... But if it's a stranger, atleast I don't know them, atleast they're from the other side of the world, atleast if I don't like them, I can just ignore them, like I've done for a lot of people I've met across the years, I want connection, yet Ive ignored many people I've met, it makes sense in my head why, but, man I don't even know anymore, atleast I expressed my thoughts in some way, right...?