"Riku, we are so sorry we recorded you in that situation and didn't delete it. We should've never done something so awful. You don't have to forgive us, we just want you to know we're sorry. If you want us to make it up to you in some way, go ahead."
I couldn't say that her tone was 'different from usual' because I have no basis from which to draw data, but Otsuki's reaction to seeing Hina's perfect ninety-degree bow along with her direct and serious tone of voice, leaving behind her peaceful timbre, let me know that it wasn't normal.
When Hina bowed to me, Tsukiyomi did the same, though with a more casual posture, unable to lower her back as far from her hips. She didn't speak, but she understood that Hina's message was for both of them, not just her.
Even though this was what I wanted, I still didn't know exactly what to say. One thing was clear: I absolutely had to apologize. However, I didn't know whether to do it before or after acknowledging his apology.
I put a hand to the back of my neck.
"I'm so sorry too, for what I did to Otsuki… and for making you see something like that." I hesitated so much about what to say that I ended up adding something completely unnecessary in the middle of my apology. A small smile also appeared on my face, a smile that seemed somewhat forced. It seemed more forced than a toxic relationship.
I had already messed up with my apology. I had the audacity to add more things that weren't even related to my apology.
"You don't have to do anything. And, of course I forgive you. I'm the one to blame here."
"We are all."
I only made my apology worse by blaming myself completely. If Otsuki hadn't pointed it out, I would have continued spouting nonsense.
"We are all to blame. Is that clear?"
Otsuki was annoyed by what I said, even though what she added was with the best intentions anyone could have. I was forced to nod. Hina continued, seeing that I had no intention of saying anything else.
"I'm glad you forgive us. We forgive you too. I already did when Atsumi told me. And Natsuki isn't angry anymore."
"…"
"She's not angry, she's just embarrassed."
Hina's explanation didn't entirely convince me, and it didn't help that Otsuki tormented me with the joke that Tsukiyomi wanted me dead.
Unless it comes from his mouth, I'm not going to believe it.
"Yes… I'm not angry anymore… Sorry…"
Miraculously, Tsukiyomi managed to murmur six words that reached my ears loud and clear, without stuttering once. Seconds later, Otsuki and Hina teased her a little.
"He's spoken!" "Oh, what a miracle!"
"And I'm never speaking again for the rest of my life!"
She started hitting Otsuki on the shoulder, blood running down her face as she called her evil. A moment later, she remembered I was there and stopped.
Two have already been caught…
My hands stopped hurting a long time ago, but for some reason they sometimes get a short spasm. In this case, it was because of that really bad joke I came up with. I should avoid joking about things like that.
I hate myself even more for having thought about it.
Technically, we were already far enough removed from the apologies to end the meeting. Simply reiterating what had been said was enough. I decided to get ahead of Hina this time.
"So, we are at peace."
I extended my hand to Hina, the one I apologized to directly. It wasn't a question, but a statement. Asking something like that wouldn't make sense after what we've agreed upon.
"Yes. Everything is fine."
Hina accepted my handshake, offered with a gentleness as gentle as her voice. The fact that all her jokes so far have been delivered in that voice is a little unnerving. Those words sound like they belong to someone else.
Now I could say with complete freedom that this meeting was over.
"Well, I'll let you go now. It's been nice meeting you. I guess I'll see you in class."
At first I looked at Hina and Tsukiyomi, then I glanced at Otsuki, who had remained somewhat in the background. She answered me.
"Ah, yes, of course."
She was surprised that he said that, I don't know why, and she closed it very quickly, assuring him that we would see each other again.
"Then, goodbye."
"Mhm, goodbye. See you tomorrow."
He reassured him again.
- I doubt that will end up happening.
This short interaction I had with Otsuki, Hina, and Tsukiyomi was awkward from beginning to end. Only at the start and during the apology was it due to nerves, embarrassment, and shame. After that, I realized something different, which made me feel even stranger.
Their chemistry.
We were discussing a serious matter, and they didn't hesitate to joke around here and there. Without showing immaturity, without hurting my feelings. I doubt it was with the intention of cheering me up. I'm confident in my assessment because I know that kind of environment. That kind of relationship.
So good it makes me want to throw up.
Otsuki really does act differently with them, very differently. She doesn't seem so gentle or caring. She's different. Hina is just another person to spend time with in the group, and she has a quirky sense of humor, which is good for them. And both of them make sure Tsukiyomi isn't left out, even if it means teasing her. No one seems to be the center of attention.
This is all a convoluted way of saying they are a group of friends.
I knew it. I knew what it reminded me of. I didn't accept those memories, but I also didn't let them ruin the moment. What held me back was something else.
For the past week and this week, my goal has been to be Otsuki's friend. A wish, more than a goal. And that wish came true. For twelve days. Today is the day to wake up.
She already has, she already belongs to, a group of friends. I don't remember how long she's known them, but I know it was a long time. She's spent a large part of her life with them. A life with difficulties, yes, but she seems to be happy.
I don't belong to this group, and I don't want to take advantage of that happiness to distract myself.
I belong to another group. One I no longer belong to.
Are you listening to me? I admit it. I miss them. I miss them so much. It's hard not to cry when I think about them. I wish I could see them again as friends, not enemies. I want to erase that day from my memory.
My hands still ache from hitting him so much. What I did once to Otsuki, I did a hundred times to him. It's unforgivable. Irreversible. If I can't forget what I did to her, it's impossible for me to forget what I did to him.
We are all guilty, but some are more guilty than others.
They were just frustrated. They were just confused. I kept making up unjustifiable excuses. I do it all the time.
I blame the video, which exists because of me. I blame the people, confused because of me. I blame them, because I can't admit my own guilt.
And someone like that should stay away from a group of friends like that for their own good. Friends, male or female, that's beside the point. I just want one. But for now, that's not going to be possible.
I'm going to continue being alone…
"Riku, do you want to come with us?"
As she walked in the opposite direction from the mall, having taken only a couple of steps, Hina said something foolish. She wasn't the only one who thought so. Otsuki chided her in a low voice, quiet enough that she couldn't hear.
"He's tired of everything that's happened. There's no reason to bother him like this."
I turned around to face Hina. She forced her friends to cooperate, ignoring what Otsuki whispered to her.
"Do you want to? I don't mind. You don't either, right?"
"Me neither. You can come if you want…"
Otsuki responded with the only thing he could say. Rejecting him would ruin all the good vibes we had built up today.
Tsukiyomi didn't say anything, but shook her head. Her expression wasn't overly nervous, so Hina assumed she was.
"If you don't want to, that's fine."
I doubt she thought much about what she was saying. And if she was… I wouldn't be surprised if there was a demon hiding behind that face.
"We can meet another day."
Duty and desire are different things.