A piece of rounded metal with symbols embossed on it lay in my hand, glistening in the blazing winter sun. The wagon was shaking, and my token was about to fall and be forgotten in the mud, so I put a rope through the hole and tied it in a knot. When I put it on, I immediately felt the coldness of the metal against my skin and the uneven texture of the token along with the sharp edges of the embossed letters.
I received my badge, a sign that I had become a mercenary. I am now someone who runs dangerous errands, risking my life for coin. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not complaining: at the moment, I have no choice but to be a mercenary. I have no special talents, except for magic, for which I would probably be burned at the stake. What am I without magic? A commoner, a mercenary. What is the purpose of my existence in this world? Such thoughts tormented me, and I could not find a clear answer to them.
The week came to an end and we headed with the group to Greenhaven. Helen slept on Zenaris's lap, the wagon was wobbly and wobbled from side to side, I don't know how one could sleep in such conditions. Swallowing the cold air and letting out large puffs of steam I thought back to my conversation with Zenaris. Two days before the trip I had notified him that I would be returning to my home village for a while. He took note and didn't resent my short trip to the village.
Helen's face and neck were still bruised, but she was recovering quickly. Love heals, for the way Zenaris takes care of her warms my heart, there is still human love in this cold and dirty world. I was not spared this time, and Michael took the coachman's seat, so I could ride in the back.
I had a dark thought in my head, what if another army of Frowsalians came and burned down the village while I was mercenary here? I wracked myself with such thoughts and felt mentally tense. To get away from such thoughts I looked to the end of the wagon, where I could see a window and the snow and trees beyond it.
We reached Greenhaven and I immediately got on the next flight, I found a merchant who was traveling a route near the village. In exchange for protection, he agreed to give me a ride. We left right away, my ass resting on the benches from the previous wagon, and I got on the next one. I was used to such long rides during my time as a mercenary, but the pain in my ass was impossible to ignore. I tried to lie down on the dirty floor of the wagon near the barrels and bundles of goods, but now all the jolt was on my back and spread to my whole body. It wasn't like a massage chair, but it gave my ass a rest.
With the stomping of the horse and the shaking of my back, I fell asleep, dreaming I was swallowing swords. One by one the swords disappeared down my throat. No sooner had I had a second dream than I was awakened by a disgruntled merchant:
- You're not protecting me very well, mercenary. Come on out, your destination," the merchant said with a frown.
I got out of the wagon and he immediately drove off, looking around I didn't realize where I was. I walked around a bit trying to remember the terrain and thinking about the map in my head. After a while I found a familiar trail, the pattern of trees near the trail looked familiar to me so I decided to follow it. With the group we arrived in Greenhaven by evening, that night I found a wagon and drove all night so it was now morning. I think I should be able to find the village by evening.
I don't know how a few years ago I walked through many villages and didn't manage to get lost, a child's brain works wonders. I used my magical vision to survey the area, my vision eventually developing to the point where I could see things as far as a kilometer around me. Toward late evening I found a familiar village on the radar, Eldor, and it wasn't burned. Looking more closely I found the villagers had already finished their day's work and were getting ready for bed, the village was alive and not under attack. Now I am at peace.
I waited for night and sneaked into the village, I wanted to steal some food because I was hungry. But I couldn't do it so easily, my body had gotten bigger and my steps were heavier. I could hardly get through the window I used to climb through without making a lot of noise. I didn't want to take any chances so I thought of a better method, I climbed into the barn and found some seeds in a bag. Taking a handful with me I left the village. Getting as far away from the village as possible I cleared the ground of snow and planted a small amount of seeds in the ground. I saturated them with mana and they grew immediately, only this time they needed more mana.
I have the fruit, now I need to cook it. I found a tree and broke off some branches from it, I put them together and using magic I lit a fire in my hand. The mana that I had collected in my hand began to heat up and soon it was lit, a small flame appeared on my hand and I lit the fire. I stacked the fruits near the fire to cook, after a while I took a couple of them and started to eat them. They were a little raw inside, but it was better than nothing. When I was done eating, I put out the fire and walked back to Greenhaven.
After the meal, I was very thirsty. I wish I could create water in my hand as I had once created flame. I continued on my way, immersed in anxious thoughts. What did I come to this world for? Could I have some sort of purpose? I haven't seen anyone who possesses magic. Maybe I'm some kind of hero or something? Or maybe my past life, which I only vaguely remember, is just a figment of a child's imagination? I immediately dismissed these thoughts: I'm familiar with everyday things that don't exist in this world. The bicycle, the pen, the iron - all these things are not here or have not yet been invented. But I am aware of them, their functions are logical and cannot be fantasy. I might even be able to recreate a bicycle.
My thoughts were interrupted by a traveler who was walking towards me. I was surprised, for usually no one walked at night but me. He looked unusual. The moonlight reflected off his armor - he was a soldier or a knight. What was he doing at this hour? His gait made me uneasy: he walked as if he were not alive, his feet shuffling, his arms dangling from side to side, his face downcast.
We approached each other, and I didn't know what to expect, so I clutched my sword, which was still in its scabbard. The moment our paths crossed, I felt the tension release me-he just walked past. That reassured me in a way, but what of him? There are only villages nearby, or maybe it's a froosalian and his camp is somewhere nearby? Maybe I should have called out to him or asked him what was wrong? As these thoughts swirled around in my head, I was getting farther away from him, and finally I decided to abandon the idea and continue on my way.
It was a long way to Greenhaven, but I soon realized that I was lost. It was night, and I couldn't make out the outline of the path, especially since I couldn't remember the way to the town. I decided I should rest and continue in the morning. I found a tree not far from the road, trampled a comfortable spot, and lay there, falling asleep.
In my dreams, I was troubled by nightmares. I saw myself being kicked out of the group, out of the city, out of the world. In my heart I felt that I did not fit in here, even though I had lived here for a long time. I was afraid that someday I would be kicked out, abandoned, for I was an outsider.
- I'm sorry, Alex, but we found someone who is better than you. You'll have to find another group," Helen said.
- Alexander of Eldor! You are accused of aiding and abetting demons and dark forces, as well as a crime against our god Sol! Your punishment will be burning at the stake," the inquisitor said.
- I sent you to another world, hoping you'd fit in here. But you have disappointed me; you are the worst of my creations. I will erase you," the god said.
I felt like I was being erased, like I was a poorly executed drawing, and the eraser was slowly removing me from the paper. I woke up at the last moment, in a cold sweat, and immediately forgot my dream. The sun was just beginning to rise, spreading its rays across the vast fields. I gathered my things and continued on my way.
I found a familiar path and followed it. On the way, I thought about what to do in the city. Our group still needed to recover from the recent dungeon hike. I could have practiced with Zenaris, but we already did that every week. I wanted to do something else that didn't involve mercenary work, violence, and combat. Maybe get over my shyness and make new acquaintances? Or go to a bestiary and read about monsters? Or maybe just enjoy life while you can.
But can I just enjoy life? Do I have a purpose? For example, starting a family or building a house. After all, I can't fulfill orders for the rest of my life. Sooner or later I'll stumble, die in battle or somewhere else, and even magic won't save me. I've realized what I want: comfort. I live in a dark world, and I want to enjoy it. My past life wasn't much different from my current life: I studied, then war broke out, I was drafted, and I went into the service. I fought and didn't see the good life. And at the end I died. I don't remember my death, but I know for sure that I died, because the most vivid of my last memories is pain.
I don't have a goal or a dream.