I had always imagined what it would be like, how i would feel when my parents Marriage finally ended, i know how terrible it sounds,
Anticipating the end their Marriage but that was the one thing that gave me hope,like a light at the end of a dark seemingly never ending tunnel,whenever I'd hear them fight I'd remind myself that it'll all be over soon, just one more day.
It was freedom and that freedom is what I'm feeling right now, it felt surreal coursing through my veins as i walk this tarred roads,walking past houses that look like they were made to be in a movie.
Like i could finally breathe after holding my breath for a while
This is my life now.
Our life.
This morning mom couldn't stand still she couldn't hide how excited she was that Mrs Patridge wants her to come work with her and as we talked over breakfast i saw something in her eyes, something I'd thought had died long ago..hope.
It was like it had lit up something inside of her.
Like she was trudging through dull grey days,months, years and finally saw something with color and now she has hope that soon enough everything will have color.
Like she could finally breathe
Her eyes were glossy when she said " We are finally getting what we deserve, Juney..finally"
I couldn't look in her eyes when she said it, i couldn't force back a smile in that moment all i really wanted was to breakdown and cry, cry for the girl that fell in love with a boy, cry for the woman that trusted the man that she loved , cry for all the years she lost trying to be better for him, trying to convince him that she is good enough, that she is worthy to be loved by him, trying to be enough for him, she always gave and got nothing in return it hurt so much that she had to be the one going through all this while he is on the other side of the country with his brand new family.
I had to spend everyday of my childhood watching my mom trying not to break,trying not to completely shatter.
I couldn't sit tgere and pretend to be happy, i couldn't imagine how she felt, how she could still smile through it all, the pain, the lack ,the hunger, the hurt and now
Instead i turned to the sink and pretented do the dishes so she couldn't see my eyes well up.
I always wondered why she stayed...with him, through it all, why she couldn't just leave.
But she couldn't..she had no where to go.
She was alone,with me
Alone in a Marriage they vowed to be together in.
He left her after promising to love her...Forever.