Harry hummed and kicked his feet as he considered his words.
"I do trust her though, I trust all of my friends?"
"I'm sure you do, kiddo, but there is still some part of you that thought it was acceptable to put your feelings and desires over Luna's." Sirius kept his tone calm and nonconfrontational. He knew, firsthand, that teenagers could be absolute terrors and perhaps if Sirius had been granted a closer and healthier relationship with his own parents, he wouldn't have had such an intense and dangerous rebellious streak. Ugh, that got him thinking about Remus again. Who knew parenting made you self-reflective? This was terrible. He had the urge to ensure that Harry was at least ten times better than Sirius had ever been.
He continued, "I think if you really think about it, then you'd discover that you only thought you were doing it out of moral superiority. When in reality it was pure revenge, to make yourself feel good. Trust is the most important thing in a friendship, it's very easy to lose and very hard to regain."
The boy shifted harder in his chair, fidgeting up a storm. Clearly that last part had struck a nerve. "So how do I get Luna to trust me again?"
"You have to apologize, earnestly, because you are sorry that you did it, not because you're sorry you got caught. Recognize what you've done wrong and don't repeat it. Actions speak louder than words, after all. But she may need time, and she may not forgive you at all, and that's hard to think about, I know, but that's the consequences of your actions." Harry nodded, worry set deep into his locked jaw.
His feelings on the matter were very confusing. On one hand, he was still struggling to cope with the Necromancer's Madness, and now that he was taking calming draughts daily it was easier to understand that what he'd done was not the best idea. Sure, he could understand from an objective viewpoint that casting the Unforgivables was stupid since that had not helped his sanity and that he had acted recklessly and endangered himself and his loved ones - but he couldn't shake the notion that his victims had deserved it. He wasn't sure if he could apologize. Had he been thinking clearly, he likely would have gone along with Hermione's plan. But still, Luna was his friend, and he'd acted in defense of himself and others before without any complaints. Snape, Vernon, the amulets - morals were so, so confusing. He just wanted to be a good friend and protect Luna. How come everyone else was having an easy time of it except for him?
"Sirius, did you and my dad ever get into a row like this?" he asked.
"Oh yeah," he grimaced at the memories. "We were right shits at your age, to be honest. When I was in my fifth year, I pulled a - well, I called it a prank, but it wasn't funny in hindsight - I tricked Sniv - Snape into a situation where he could have gotten killed or turned into a werewolf by Remus. He had this passageway, see, under the Whomping Willow that he could use to travel away from the castle to transform safely. I goaded Snape to use it, I don't even remember why anymore, I think I was just angry. Anyway, it was a miracle he didn't get hurt. Everyone was absolutely pissed at me. Dumbledore, your dad, Remus especially. It was his greatest fear, that he would hurt someone. And I almost did that to him as a funny joke. I'm realizing now he never forgave me for that. Your dad did, eventually. But oh man, I remember that argument. He didn't yell a lot, your dad, but damn did he give me a dressing down that day."
"Oh," Harry looked surprised at the admission, and he fiddled with the hem of his jacket for a long moment as he thought over everything he'd been told. It was reassuring to know he wasn't the only one who could be a major asshole. If Sirius had eventually figured out morals, then surely Harry could as well.
"Do you think I'm a bad person?" He whispered. His gaze was plastered to the floor. He wouldn't dare look Sirius in the eyes if he confirmed Harry's fear.
"You aren't, love. I promise. If you were an awful person, you wouldn't be trying to fix things. I shoved that incident with Remus under the rug a lot more than I should have, and it led to a lot of deep-seated resentment between Remus and me because I was a bit of an arrogant twat." He rubbed the back of his head in shame. "I'm proud of you for being able to admit to your own mistakes. You're young, so you're going to mess up. Some self-reflection and maturity will do you wonders. For the record, let's maybe stop torturing people please."
He wrinkled his nose. "Okay."
"Look, I'm not trying to disrespect your mum's parenting, but while most Dark magic is acceptable under certain scenarios, those curses are outlawed for a reason. They aren't necessary to use, especially the Cruciatus. I'm more concerned about the lack of empathy versus the literal use of magic. Those were children who made a mistake just like you did. I'm not saying what they did was right, but you punished them way too harshly."
"I think I understand what you're saying. I won't do it again."
"That sort of magic and line of thinking does things to your psyche, beyond whatever necromancy shit you're dealing with. I can't let you turn out like my cousin Bellatrix." Sirius' voice was stern.
"I didn't like it, I promise," he said in a whisper. "It was really intense and scary like I lost control of myself. I can't stop thinking about it, but I'll promise not to do it again." His eyes were still fixed to the ground. Sirius slung an arm around his shoulders and nudged him until Harry made hesitant eye contact.
"People are rarely black and white, Harry. It's not your fault you were raised with… an interesting set of morals. That doesn't excuse your behavior, but you didn't know any better. So as long as you let us teach you, then you won't be a bad person, I promise."
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