No matter where I go, trouble seems to follow, or at the very least, as in this case, it waits for me.
We were traveling south through the elven territory in the kingdom of Greenwood. The sights were serine - lush, green forests full of life. The elves lived in harmony with the woods surrounding them. The woods gave the elves food, firewood and protection from humans, the elves cared for the wellbeing of the forests that they inhabited - controlling the populations of animals and monsters, regularly thinning the trees in order to keep the forests healthy. Unlike humans that took everything they wanted from the forest, ruining it in the process, the elves took only what was necessary. Bunch of hippies…
The cat girls really enjoyed this journey, although we weren't able to see any elves since the pointy eared bastards tended to avoid outsiders hiding in their hidden villages in the depths of the forest that were protected by concealment barriers, we saw the wildlife of this region.
The animals in the kingdom of Cheliya, with the exception of griffins, Pegasus and a few more, tended to resemble the ones in Europe with a few minor differences. Our cat girls lived in that kingdom for most of their lives, so they've seen most of them.
The animals of the kingdom of Zagria resembled the ones living in prairies, you know - things like human sized prairie dogs that created massive cave structures and cat sized bison - similar in appearance, wildly different in size to the ones found on earth. There also were some absolutely massive, white haired rhinos and some sins to nature that looked like platypuses.
I know that platypuses are already freaky, but these fuckers take the cake. Eight legs, some ending in webbed feet, split beak, spikes covering the back and a fish's tail to boot. I'm just happy that those things don't possess laser vision or the ability to devour souls…
I was beginning to think that the lazy goddess of this world just copy-pasted the things she saw on earth and called it a day until I came to the domain of elves. The animals here looked bizarre, but strangely harmonious with the environment they were in.
I saw giant rabbits with deer antlers, winged wolves, things that looked like small, wise, hairy 'Dragons', monkeys that looked like the rainbow had vomited on them and so many more. None looked out of place, all looked noble and magnanimous, as if they all had achieved the enlightenment. Living surrounded by such beasts, it's no wonder that the elves became prideful as well - the air of superiority must have rubbed off on them.
The cat girls absolutely loved the spectacles and, it seemed, that the animals around loved the cat girls as well. The problem was when I, one night, hunted down one of those big rabbits for supper. Elizabeth looked terrified, Lilia cried, neither touched their food that night and neither talked to me for a few days. Pain laughed of course, but she's a bitch that enjoys seeing me suffer, so that was to be expected. I still punished her for that severely, though.
The girls forgave me when I, in my infinite wisdom and magnanimity, offered to tell them about the animals that we were encountering on the way. I've read about most of them in hopes of finding one that had the ability to send me home, but, in retrospect, thinking that I'd find a beast that possessed the power of a god was a bit foolish.
Of course I didn't know everything about the animals that were around us, but I still had to keep up appearances, so, instead of panicking or admitting defeat, I ended up just making shit up. Pain, once again, had a ball exposing my lies and, once again, was severely punished having to do the laundry. I was beginning to suspect that that particular 'Dragon' was into being humiliated by having to do degrading tasks.
The only problem with the cat girls was that I couldn't bully Elizabeth with over the top spending since there was nowhere to spend it. I curbed this problem with the involuntary help provided by Pain. Since Pain was an overall nuisance to my peaceful existence, I punished her by shoving all of Elizabeth's chores on to her. The frantic face of Elizabeth, who was restlessly looking for something to do was priceless.
Pain was a nuisance, even though I was technically her master, she showed no respect towards me. She teased Elizabeth with dirty jokes, making her blush and stutter in embarrassment, which was fun to watch, but, in return, she vocalized my most deeply hidden and private thoughts. I thought about ending the annoying 'Dragon' many times, but her power and versatility in combat was far too great and the cat girls fell for her charm, becoming best friends.
Alpha seemed to enjoy the ride as well. Having been self-exiled for literal centuries to a place with no life for a 'Dragon' whose half is literally light - the element of life, must have been hard. Not to mention that pest Pain coming to hang out once in a decade or two. That kind of life would be hard for the strongest of us…
Alpha still wasn't the type to show emotions or smile, but it did seem that she was at peace. This strict follower of asceticism that never ate in order to preserve the lives of the animals and plants around her was the first to rush in if she smelled blood. She would find the sick and hurt animals and heal them before I got the chance to pounce.
Because of her 'accidentally' scaring the animals that I was hunting, I've spent many nights yearning for meat. Instead of an apology she'd just present me a bowl of salad saying that it's better than nothing. I despise vegetables, those green crunchy pieces of shit that prolong your life and make you healthier and more energetic clashed with the poison that I consumed on a regular basis.
Not only that, but she had the goal to detoxify me with her healing magic every time that I displeased her in some way. She knew just how expensive the poison that I was consuming was and how little I had left and yet she still persisted. Every time I confronted her about it, she'd act like it wasn't her, fully knowing that my 'Dragon eyes' have the ability to discern when one is lying.
I thought about unsealing her destructive side and sending her on a rampage as a lesson, but decided against it, since she'd never forgive me for something like that.
Overall, our days on the road were peaceful. Since there wasn't much to do, I did some studying about this world from my vast collection of books. I also began teaching the cat girls the basics of reading, writing and math. They caught on surprisingly fast and, in no time, began reading themselves. Lilia simply adored books about adventure, while Elizabeth stuck with romance.
The two were also delighted when I recounted to them the greatest hits of Shakespeare such as 'Romeo and Juliet', 'The Tempest', 'Hamlet', 'Macbeth', the Greek myths, Chinese classics such as 'The three kingdoms', 'The journey to the west' and anything else that I could remembered as best as I could remember it.
I couldn't believe that the mind-numbingly boring and long lectures that I had received from Alex in the 'Great labyrinth' actually came in handy. It seems that I entered the labyrinth as a run of the mill idiot and left it as a cultured idiot.
One day, in the distance, we spotted smoke, but it wasn't just your regular forest fire smoke, I smelled burning flesh.
"What now? Should we help?" I received a message straight into my brain.
"I'm not the kind hearted man that you think I am, Pain." I answered in my thoughts. "Why would I go out of my way to help someone?"
"It seems that that is an elven village, don't you need an elven waifu to complete your harem? If you save a beautiful elf just in the nick of time, she should be grateful enough to let you do whatever you want to her…"
"What do you take me for? A total lech?"
"Yes… You know that I've read your mind, and you know what I found in it, right? The things that I made public were just the tip of the iceberg, lord."
"It seems that I've been far too lenient with you lately. Do you want another beating, or something?"
"Let's talk about my punishment when we decide what we're doing about the sight before us. So, are we helping or not?"
I thought for a minute and was about to dismiss it until I felt a gentle tuck on my sleeve. "Big brother, you'll help them, won't you?" Lilia asked, her eyes full of hope.
I sighed. "Let's see what's up ahead first." I turned to Alpha who was steering the wagon. "Pick up the spread, or we'll miss the fun."
"Very well."
No matter where I go, trouble seems to follow, or at the very least, as in this case, it waits for me.
We rushed to the spot where the smoke was rising from, it was deep in the forest, so we had to abandon the wagon mid way there. We reached a village in flames, the screams echoed in our ears, the stench of blood and smoke overwhelmed our sense of smell.
"Pain, Alpha, you two know what to do." I said. They nodded. "Elizabeth, Lilia, stay with them."
"Yes."
People wearing the Chelyian military armor were running around killing every elf they saw, sparing neither the elderly nor the children. The elves fought back, but were being overwhelmed. It was strange, this village wasn't that big and it was far from the border, the soldiers didn't seem like your run of the mill slavers either. Why are they here, there must be many villages easier to take than this and why kill all the merchandise? It seems that their objective isn't profit, but the total destruction of this place, but why? What makes it so special?
I looked at the few remaining elves, they were desperately defending an elven girl. I saw how some of them sacrificed their lives to take an arrow meant for her. Our eyes met, she mouthed something. My eyes widened. In an instant I disappeared, all the soldiers between me and the elf girl were sliced to pieces.
I appeared where the girl stood, holding her in the air by the throat, startling the elves that were protecting her. "HOW. DO. YOU. KNOW. MY. NAME?"
Join me on patreon at patreon.com/BonsaiCat for early access to new chapters or buy my book 'How to rule a fantasy world' on Amazon. It's the same stuff that you read here, but I fucked up with the naming and the book is already out, so fuck it, let's go with this name for the book. I appreciate all of your support and your forgiveness for my utter incompetence. Best regards, BonsaiCat.