Chapter 5
Felix and Val fall from the hole and land in the middle of their office. The smell of new paper and printers wafting across the air. The soft hum of computers murmuring across the halls.
""Good morning."" The two greet each other.
Felix brushes off the blood in his clothes and other burnt meat. "You know, I'm starting to wonder if we're going through hell every time we use that portal."
Val brushes off the wailing spirit from her hair. "You only thought of that now?"
"Yeah? Is that weird?"
"Yes, Felix, that was the only weird thing here."
Solomon slides in between them, now wearing a pink fullbody suit revealing only his face. "So… how was yesterday?"
The two recoiled away, jumping.
Felix ducks, "Gah, what the fuck!"
Val punches immediately, Her arm slamming against his face.
Solomons smiles, a fist still on his face. "So? Is that good?"
Val clears her throat, "Yes, well. We assessed the situation and found out the cause."
Felix looks away, a bit disheartened. "Unfortunately, we were a bit late."
Solomon nods sagely, "But you know who did it, yes?"
The two nod back.
Solomon pats their back, "Then it's a resounding success!"
He turns to Felix, "And since it's your first mission, I would like you to make me a report on everything that happened there."
"Report? How?"
"Oh, I don't know… like how you made that lunatic the first anti-moon soldier. Or maybe the Shammurath guy that started the fiasco or your." He winks at him, "Your little flirting with Ms. Aggorath the Destroyer."
Val stares at him and Felix says, "That wasn't flirting."
"Well, she was. Calling you a great foe and all."
"That was flirting!?" Felix stops himself, "Wait, now that you say it, she was a bit red. But I thought that was blood I splattered all over her face."
"No, that was just the blood rushing to her face!" He grins.
Solomon turns to Val, "Now, I think you know what to do?"
Val sighs, "I have to prepare all the paperwork for L.I.F.E.?"
"Yup! Make sure to backdate everything, I don't want those lunatics asking questions." Solomon peaces out and disappears… why? because he wants to.
"Did he just?"
"Don't bother questioning it." Val walks away.
"Wait! Ma'am! I have a question."
"Hmm?" Val turns to him as he asks, "Where can I get the office supplies. Also! Do you have any format for the report?"
"Go to Mawmaw for office supplies." She hesitates before a smile blooms on her face, one so filled with joy and ecstasy. A smile that fills him with so much dread. She for the first he met her grins. "You can ask Teddy help for the report."
"Why are you doing that?"
"What do you mean?"
"That!? That thing you're doing with your face."
"Oh this, I'm just smiling." She skips back to her desk as he feels a hand grip his chest.
Felix shakes off the feeling, he has met Teddy. He seemed like a nice guy. Surely, nothing bad would happen? Sure he might have been a bit too enthusiastic. But he was nothing but a delight.
He walks towards Mawmaw's desk as she silently types on the keyboard. The clicking not matching her fingers.
The dark pools seemingly reflecting across the desk.
Felix waves, "Mawmaw, hey."
"Oh? Human you have returned alive? And without a permanent disfigurement."
Felix winces, "Well, what can I say the luck is in the name." She stops as the clicks follow a beat later.
"Luck? How peculiar, I do not see Khaoseth's favor upon you."
"Oh right, there's someone for that." Felix mutters. Of course there's an entity in charge of luck, he forgot about that.
"Well, I wanted to ask you something."
Mawmaw tilts her head, "Yes? I shall answer your inquiry with the best of my capability."
"Yup, thought so." Felix glances around. The office is quiet, empty. Ten desks squeezed together, with just Val sitting there, it felt empty. He clears his throat. "So, uh… where do I get paper? And more importantly, where exactly is my desk?"
"A desk? You may pick a desk that is not currently occupied?"
"But isn't there a seating arrangement?"
"A seating arrangement? What is that human?"
"Nevermind that, just tell me where everyone takes a seat."
"I can," Her eyes lock with his as a mental image assaults him. The memories, the places and the apathy of the universe imprinting it into his mind. Felix huffs out in relief, "Ok, wow that was a lot." He chirps, "Thanks!"
Mammaw nods, as the clicking continues before she turns.
The receptionist here was a lot nicer than his last job.
Well, at least she was a lot more cooperative and less murdery.
Also… if the memories sent to his mind were right, Eris has fieldwork, Everett is on leave and Teddy left to go… somewhere.
He turns to Mawmaw in thought. "Where is Teddy exactly?"
Mawmaw didn't even look back, "That is a question beyond my capability."
"That…" The edges seemingly blur as he mutters, "I'll just ask the skeletons."
"Smart."
He exits the office into the hallway, suddenly reminded of a simple fact.
"Wait, do I clock in? Or do I just leave when I'm done?"
A skeleton clunks past, holding its own skull under its arm.
A tie hanging on its neck.
Felix watches it go.
"Yeah. Stupid question."
His face lights up, "Wait, sir skeleton."
The skeleton stares at him, a crack in her eye. "It's maam."
"Sorry skeleton maam. I was wondering if you knew where Teddy was?"
She gestures to him to follow, "Follow me, I'll show you where he is."
"Oh really!? Thanks!" He chirps as he walks beside her. They weave across hallways as he ask, "So… how long have you been working for D.E.A.T.H.?"
"I can't remember."
"Did you like to apply to be… this?"
"Did I apply to be a skeleton?"
"Okay, stupid question."
They walk around again, weaving through another hallway. Where in paper seem to burst as dozens of skeletons run around seemingly in a panic.
"Oh, what happened with them?"
"That's from your fieldwork."
"Wait, really?"
"Yes, we have to print copies upon copies of your little adventure. We have to coordinate with the worlds you opened, with A.F.T.E.R.L.I.F.E. and L.I.F.E. to make sure everything is properly documented. Then we have to bind it again, all the permits, all the letters and messages exchanged for it."
"Woah, that sounds."
"Overwhelming? Annoying? Because who needs fifty fucking copies of the same fucking permit, you're gonna give one to your mother? Your son!?"
"Well, I was gonna say 'like home' but our permits fight back."
"....I really shouldn't have expected anything less."
Felix shyly grins, rubbing the back of his head. "Sorry?"
"Don't be." She sighs. "Your team isn't exactly normal."
"They all seemed pretty normal to me?"
She stares at him, hollow eyes seemingly deepening. Before bursting out in laughter, "You know, I really shouldn't have expected anything different. You're the new guy right? Felix? Uh… Calloway?"
Felix smiles, offering his hand. "Felix Calloway, at your service."
She shakes his hand, "Head Skeleton. Celine."
"Head Skeleton?"
"Yup, I handle all the paperwork thrown down to us. Or at least manage the idiots that are…" Celine run down another corner, and Felix follows her as she continues, "Wasting their goddamn time by doing stupid shit!"
Felix stares up in awe as a skeleton Megazord stands before him.
About six skeletons interlocking their bones, into one ultimate skeleton.
Felix holds up his hand toward his mouth and tears up, it was beautiful.
Felix wipes his tears, "Don't ruin such a work of art, a beauty of teamwork."
"Do you think anything would get done with that?"
"Yes?"
"Ma'am look what we made!"
"It the ultimate skeleton!"
"We're the ultimate paperwork machine!"
"We can definitely take down anybody."
Celine slams her skull back in with a shout, "What did I say about forming Voltron!?"
The six interconnected skeleton spoke, "Don't do it in the break room?"
Celine's crack widens, her hollow eyes burning with fury.
Felix takes a careful step back as the sound of snapping bones echoes down the hall.
"My femur! Femur!"
"Don't shove it in the eye socket!"
Crunch.
"Not the pelvis, Ma'am! Not the pelvis!"
He winces, he doesn't think you can shout and crunch at the same time.
"Not the pelvis, Ma'am not the pelvis!"
Felix winces. He didn't think it was possible to shout and crunch at the same time.
"This is cruel and unusual punishment."
Celine looms over them. "You wanna file a complaint?"
"…No, ma'am."
Felix wisely averts his gaze as Celine stomps out of the hallway, her job done.
He clamps down on his laughter, then turns back. "I'm pretty sure they're deliberately fucking with you. Also, wasn't that a bit harsh?"
Celine snorts. "We're bones, Calloway. We don't feel pain. Like, at all. All those idiots are feeling is shame, indignation, and mostly humor." She sighs. "And yeah, I'm pretty sure they're fucking with me."
"Neat," Felix chirps. "You know, now that you say it—why are you guys skeletons?"
Celine keeps walking. "Punishment."
"Punishment?"
"Yup. White-collar sinners. The kind of idiots who wrecked lives by signing off on bad policies, misfiling things, or just being cogs in the system. Not the really heinous shit, though. Those guys? They get thrown straight into the abyss or whatever hell they believe in."
Felix nods. "Oh. That actually explains a lot."
"Yup. You get two options—immense pain or endless corporate drudgery."
Felix tilts his head. "So… no overtime?"
Celine doesn't even look back. "Always overtime."
She taps open an inconspicuous door.
With a casual flourish, it swings wide—revealing Teddy in the center of the room, holding a black hole in his hand.
Celine glances at it. "Yeah, good luck with that."
She walks off without another word.