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Liu Xie discovered that his very arrival into this world was a mistake.
He had heard from Empress Dowager Dong that due to the jealous nature of Empress He, his mother, Lady Wang, had initially planned to terminate her pregnancy. Yet, while still in the womb, he seemed to sense something, moving slightly. Feeling that fetal movement, Lady Wang decided that no matter what, she would bring him into the world.
But the moment he was born, his mother was murdered by Empress He. His father, Emperor Ling of Han, was initially furious. However, when he saw the large sum of money presented by the eunuchs, he became utterly besotted, forgetting all about that pitiable and delicate woman.
Nonetheless, looking at the tiny, crying, struggling life, Emperor Ling of Han, as a precaution, entrusted him to the care of his own mother, Empress Dowager Dong.
After that, his father, Emperor Ling of Han, only visited him a few times each year, and so it continued until his father's demise.
After his elder brother Liu Bian ascended the throne, Liu Xie himself was enfeoffed as the Prince of Bohai. He had originally thought that his future life would be like a stagnant pond, utterly devoid of ripples. Little did he expect that the death of He Jin and Dong Zhuo's entry into the capital would be like several massive boulders hurled into that pond, stirring up towering, monstrous waves.
The events he experienced in the first nine years of his life seemed to pale in comparison to what he had gone through in less than a single year.
His first time leaving the palace, his first time stepping beyond the city of Luoyang, was actually under the threat of sharp swords and blades, fleeing along a bloody path like a stray, homeless wild dog!
Those familiar faces that had once accompanied and protected him had all turned into pale corpses, mingling with the mud and filth by the roadside.
Even the royal garments that he and his brother wore, symbols of the imperial family, fell into the yellow mud, becoming dust-covered, stained, and trampled upon...
On the way back to Luoyang, they encountered Dong Zhuo leading his troops. His brother, too nervous to speak, was at a loss. Unable to bear seeing his brother bullied, Liu Xie had stepped forward and loudly rebuked Dong Zhuo...
Sometimes he even wondered, if he hadn't meddled back then, perhaps his brother wouldn't have been deposed, wouldn't have been killed, and he himself wouldn't have to endure this seemingly endless suffering.
Every time he sat on this throne, it felt like a form of torture.
The shadow cast by Dong Zhuo's broad, imposing figure, positioned slightly ahead and to the side, almost seemed to engulf him entirely.
At times, he had a kind of hallucination, as if this court was already covered in dust, with cobwebs drifting in the spaces between the walls of the great hall. The figures kneeling behind the desks below the court seemed like statues carved from rotten wood, or like beasts in human clothing, feeding on official salaries...
And he, he was merely here to sit, to use his own body to wipe the dust off this chair, coming silently, leaving quietly, perhaps occasionally able to call out, "My ministers, you may rise"...
He was in agony. His pain did not stem from being alive, but from his inability to become a statue of rotten wood, nor to become a salaried beast.
He hated Dong Zhuo, because it was Dong Zhuo who single-handedly shattered his original life. It was as if, overnight, all those so-called feelings of joy and happiness had been completely stripped away, leaving only endless sorrow, pain, and fear. These negative emotions were like fertilizer laced with poison, eroding his heart while simultaneously hastening his maturity.
He also felt a slight sense of gratitude towards Dong Zhuo. If Dong Zhuo hadn't burst that colorful bubble, perhaps he would still believe that these important ministers below the steps—the Three Excellencies and the Nine Ministers—were all utterly loyal and devoted, willing to sacrifice their lives and shed their blood for the great Han Dynasty without hesitation...
He still remembered how, when his brother was helped to his feet, it was this very Grand Tutor Yuan Wei from the Yuan family, who had enjoyed the Han dynasty's favor, who personally stepped forward to remove the imperial seal from his brother Liu Bian, and then fastened that same seal onto himself.
He still remembered the indescribably complex expression on his brother's face at that time, and the utterly emotionless face of Grand Tutor Yuan Wei—as if he wasn't removing and fastening an object from and onto a living person, but rather handling a dead thing, or perhaps even a corpse...
He still remembered the dim candlelight within the ancestral temple, the silent spirit tablets, the words that pierced straight into his soul, the sharp blade deeply embedded in the table, and the maniacal laughter that still echoed in his mind to this day...
Whose fault was all of this?
Who should be held responsible for all these events?
Is it me?
Is it my late father?
Is it the brutal Dong Zhuo?
Or is it these important ministers kneeling below the steps, resembling wooden statues?
The glory of the great Han Dynasty has now fallen into my hands, yet it is already so broken and incomplete, like a guttering candle in the wind, likely to be extinguished at any moment.
This immensely lofty and majestic hall was originally like the very heart of the entire Han Dynasty. Countless government decrees were deliberated here, one by one, and implemented, one by one. But now, this heart is to be abandoned, as if it were to be dug out from the body of the Han.
Though the heart still beats, it is as if it were already dead.
Liu Xie felt the blood in his body still seemed to flow, but it could not bring any warmth. His clothes, though soft and fitting, could not ward off the cold within his heart.
Gazing at the figure bathed in sunlight at the entrance of the great hall, Liu Xie seemed to feel a slight trace of warmth, akin to the only shred of warmth obtained during that piercingly cold, bloody, and iron-filled long night...
"...Come, come closer!"
Liu Xie, usually like a puppet, suddenly spoke up as if possessed.
Dong Zhuo, sitting to the side, slowly turned his head, his bloodshot eyes sweeping over.
Liu Xie's body shrank back slightly, then he straightened up again and explained, "...The distance is too great, I cannot see clearly..."
The Deyang Hall was approximately seven or eight zhang wide from east to west and over thirty zhang long. The distance from the emperor's throne to the hall entrance was indeed considerable.
Dong Zhuo rolled his eyes. Perhaps he felt such a trivial matter wasn't worth fussing over, so he nodded slightly.
Seeing this, the eunuch standing to the side elongated his tone and shrilly announced, "Cavalry Commandant Zhang [Liao] and Left Assistant Secretary Fei [Qian] are granted permission to approach!"
Four eunuchs immediately scurried over, picked up the two mats originally placed near the entrance of the Deyang Hall for Zhang Liao and Fei Qian, carried them about ten zhang into the hall, and then set them down again.
Zhang Liao and Fei Qian promptly expressed their gratitude loudly, then lowered their heads and entered the great hall. They walked to their respective mats, bowed deeply once more, and then knelt properly upon them...
The gazes of everyone present gathered upon them. The light inside the hall was already poorer than outside. Coupled with the fact that there were relatively few people in the hall at that moment, for some reason, Fei Qian felt a sinister sensation, the hairs on his body standing on end.
For a moment, no one in the hall spoke, and a brief silence fell...
*****
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