Chapter 7: "Please Stop Trying to Fight Me, I'm Just a Farmer"
Naruto never thought standing in his boxers in front of two elderly martial arts legends would be part of his training arc. Yet, here he was—half-naked, barefoot, and mildly regretting every food-related life choice.
"You are impressive, my Lord," Bang muttered with the seriousness of a monk as he poked at Naruto's abdomen like he was inspecting fruit at the market. "How you managed to erase all traces of combat from your body is… truly divine."
"Yes," Bomb added with wide eyes. "It's like looking at a blank scroll. A perfect slate. Even then—this is the best body I've ever seen."
Naruto blinked.
"Uhh… thanks?" he said, his voice two octaves higher than normal. "But maybe we could stop admiring the body and, you know, start using it?"
'I'm being praised for not having muscles. Is this what reverse psychology feels like?'
Bang and Bomb nodded sagely, their eyes still shining with some kind of nostalgic martial glee.
"Of course," Bang said, "Let's begin with the basics. Push-ups, sit-ups, squats. Then the stances."
"We shall awaken your hidden form," Bomb added, fists clenched like a coach in a sports anime. "The Sage's body shall rise again!"
In the corner of the dojo, Konan stood silently, arms crossed, eyes glowing with silent devotion like a death priestess waiting to write an epic. Meanwhile, the students whispered excitedly amongst themselves.
Except one.
Garou, the problem child of martial arts, glared at Naruto like he was a homework assignment that had just been assigned on a weekend.
'What's so great about this guy? I'll prove he's nothing.'
Naruto, blissfully unaware of the brooding antihero-in-training, dropped to the floor and began the drills. His long limbs made push-ups look like collapsing a suspension bridge. He was awkward at first, but oddly efficient.
And something strange began to happen.
"He's adapting fast," Bang whispered as he watched Naruto's back straighten, his balance improve, and his footwork start looking… almost textbook perfect.
"Almost too fast," Bomb added, eyes narrowing. "Is it really possible he sealed his own muscle memory?"
Naruto, meanwhile, was dripping with sweat but starting to feel something strange—pride.
'Hey… this actually feels good. My back doesn't hurt, and I didn't fall over during the stance this time. I might not be hopeless after all!'
Bang and Bomb didn't say it out loud, but their inner dialogue was basically: We are teaching a immortal how to punch again. What is life.
They showed Naruto the foundational stances, breathing techniques, and how to focus strength in short, explosive bursts. Naruto picked them up like someone downloading martial arts via Wi-Fi.
Konan, watching from the edge, looked like she might cry from joy.
"How beautiful… even when sealed, my Lord's form remembers the art. Such grace. Such power."
Naruto, barely holding in a cramp, grinned at her and promptly tripped over his own foot.
"It's… part of the technique!" he declared, mid-fall.
Bang and Bomb were quick to catch him, smiling like proud grandpas teaching their grandson to ride a bike for the first time.
"Everyone starts somewhere," Bomb said kindly.
"Yes, even immortals must stumble to find new strength," Bang added, then paused. "Or maybe that's just osteoporosis."
Meanwhile, Garou rolled his eyes so hard it might've counted as a warm-up.
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Sparring sounded like a fun idea—until Naruto found himself standing on the training mat across from Bang, the Silver Fang of legend, whose mere presence made concrete tremble in anxiety.
The old man was calm, gentle even. But as he stepped into stance, a wave of pressure rolled off him like an invisible tsunami. It hit Naruto square in the soul.
'OH DEAR KAMI HE'S GOING TO KILL ME.'
Naruto's knees wobbled. His hands trembled. He felt like a sandwich in a world full of microwaves.
Around him, the students gasped.
"Look at him shake! He's that excited to fight Master Bang?"
"He must be holding back tears of joy. So humble!"
"Such control... the perfect fighting spirit!"
Naruto, meanwhile, was 0.2 seconds from calling it quits and pretending to faint.
'This is it. This is how it ends. Flattened by a retired grandpa with murder eyebrows.'
But then something happened.
Bang's fist came flying with the kind of speed that normally tears apart low-level buildings. Naruto screamed internally, his instincts screamed louder—and without knowing how or why, his hand shot up and caught the punch.
Everyone froze.
Even Bang.
'Oh no,' Bang thought as his eyes widened. That was half power. HALF. I hope I didn't offend him... what if he thinks I'm testing him?
Naruto, on the other hand, was just as frozen—literally and mentally.
'W-what the hell? Did I just stop that? Why isn't my arm broken in eight places?'
He glanced at his palm, still gripping Bang's fist. There wasn't a single bruise. Not even a tingle.
'Did I… power up? Did Konan do something?'
And speaking of Konan.
"YAY! UZUMAKI-SAMA IS THE BEST EVEN WHEN WEAKENED!" Konan cheered like a cheerleader at a immortal convention. She clapped excitedly, and, in true anime physics, her movements caused the kind of distraction that would give nosebleeds to half the student body.
Multiple students collapsed. One walked into a pole.
Naruto, catching sight of her out of the corner of his eye, had only one thought:
'She's a weapon of mass distraction.'
Bang gently pulled his fist back and took a deep breath, bowing his head.
"Marvelous. You truly are a being beyond comprehension."
'No, I'm just scared!' Naruto wanted to scream. But now that he had accidentally displayed immortal-tier reflexes, there was no way out of it.
Bomb crossed his arms and looked thoughtful. "I believe we should elevate the training immediately. Perhaps include the internal ki manipulation forms."
'Nooooo, not harder stuff! I barely survived round one!'
But Naruto couldn't back out now. Not with Konan smiling like she was watching the return of a celestial emperor. Not with the students whispering in reverence. And definitely not with Bang now thinking he'd been blessed to have his punch stopped.
'At this rate, I'll awaken powers just from the pressure to pretend I have them.'
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Naruto peeked at Konan from the corner of his eye.
She wasn't even doing anything flashy. Just sitting there, sipping tea, and somehow bending the fabric of reality with the sheer force of her devotion. The sky literally sparkled behind her for no reason.
'She's like a nuclear warhead with lipstick…' Naruto thought, beads of sweat dripping down his spine. 'If she sneezes wrong, we might all end up on Jupiter.'
He turned back to the sparring mat, and something clicked in his brain.
'You're Lord Uzumaki. The Sage. The Planet-Eater. The Big Bad with the Soft Eyes. Just… act like it. Own the floor.'
"Keep your power in check," Naruto said, trying to sound cool and mysterious, like some martial arts drama protagonist with a tragic backstory and secret dragon tattoo. "I might not hold back next time."
The silence that followed was deafening.
Bang nodded solemnly. "As you wish. You are truly generous with your mercy."
Naruto barely stopped himself from crying. 'Mercy? I almost wet myself!'
Bang, however, smiled gently like a grandpa who had finally found the grandson worthy of inheriting the family death-punch. He cracked his knuckles and took his stance.
Here lies Uzumaki Naruto, fake legend, flattened by a pensioner with a six-pack.
Naruto exhaled. One deep breath. Two. He had to look the part. So he went for it—charging forward with a straight punch and a low kick combo he'd just learned five minutes ago. Probably not the smartest thing.
Bang flowed like water. He barely moved, yet everything missed.
Then Naruto saw a flash of silver.
"Hup—"
POW.
Right in the kisser.
Naruto flipped once—maybe twice—and landed on the mat with all the grace of a dropped fridge. His brain bounced around like dice in a Yahtzee cup.
"Ow…"
"Your form is impressive," Bang commented, still sounding like a kind old man handing out cookies, not high-speed jawbreakers.
'Form?! You just made me kiss the Earth's crust!'
But Naruto wasn't about to give up. If he was going to lie his way through this sage role, he at least needed to look like a hard-working underdog.
So he got up.
And got smacked down again.
And again.
And again.
To the casual observer, it looked like a fierce warrior returning to the battlefield again and again with undying courage.
To Naruto, it felt like free trial week at a chiropractor's office from hell.
'My ribs are auditioning for a percussion band.'
Even Bomb got in on the action.
Where Bang was fluid and precise, Bomb hit like an avalanche in slow motion—each block and strike full of power that sent Naruto sliding back like a puck on ice.
Hours passed.
Sweat soaked Naruto's skin. His body throbbed. His legs wobbled.
But somewhere between the pain and the panic, something weird happened.
His body began… to respond. He didn't just fall anymore. He moved, blocked, ducked—his instincts sharpened with every bruise.
'Wait… am I actually getting good at this?'
Even Konan looked impressed.
"So glorious. So devoted to growth. Such a perfect master." She whispered, eyes gleaming behind her mask as if Naruto was carving reality itself with each dodge.
Naruto, meanwhile, was carving survival out of sheer panic and muscle memory.
Bang finally called a break, smiling with pride. "That was extraordinary. I haven't had this much fun since I fought a mountain tiger with a stick of celery."
Naruto collapsed backward and gave a thumbs-up. "Glad I could entertain…"
'I need ten hours of sleep and a new spine.'
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Naruto was lying flat on the dojo floor like a starfish that gave up on life.
Every bone in his body had registered a formal complaint, and his muscles were holding a strike. Even blinking hurt. And then… someone dared disturb his peace.
He cracked open one eye and stared at a pair of wolf-like golden ones.
"I'm Garou," the silver-haired youth said, all serious and mysterious like he was auditioning for the final boss of a shonen anime. "Master Naruto."
Naruto gave a tired wave. It looked more like a twitch.
Garou grinned. "You looked pretty pathetic during that spar. Mind fighting me with some real power?"
'I was pathetic because I'm not some martial arts sage, I'm an overgrown rice farmer in way over his head!'
But Naruto didn't get the chance to respond.
Because someone else already had steam coming out of her metaphorical ears.
Konan.
She had been lying on his arm, blissfully enjoying proximity to her "divine lord" and whispering sweet delusions to herself. The second Garou's words hit her ears, her pupils shrunk like black holes going critical.
"Heathen."
That was the last thing Garou heard before a WHAM echoed through the dojo. He was airborne—arms flailing, face frozen in confused shock, blood arcing through the air like a crimson trail of regret.
Bang, who'd seen some things in his time, moved fast and caught the poor idiot before he could crash-land into traffic.
There was a full palm-shaped dent in Garou's chest. Several ribs had declared independence.
"Boy…" Bang sighed like a dad who just watched his kid stick a fork in an outlet. "How many times have I told you to stop letting that tongue of yours get you killed? That was an S-rank's servant."
Garou coughed, his lungs basically holding a protest rally.
But somehow—some how—the kid was smiling.
Naruto finally dragged himself off the mat. "Konan," he said wearily, "go heal him."
Her face immediately soured like she'd been asked to give up chocolate for life.
Still, she obeyed. Mostly because her lord had spoken, and she wasn't about to sully his name by ignoring his will.
She knelt beside Garou like a divine executioner. Her healing hands glowed faintly purple. Her voice? Full of murder.
"Next time, I'll make you a slave," she whispered, pressing her glowing hand to his chest. "Say 'thank you' to my lord's mercy, maggot."
Garou stared into her pitch-dark eyes and felt something stir in his chest.
Terror? Pain?
No.
Excitement.
'This woman is absolutely unhinged,' he thought. 'And I love it.'
See, Garou wasn't normal. He admired villains. He thought heroes were too squeaky-clean and boring—unless they had some grit.
But the Immortal Sage?
Now that was a true hero. A being of mythical power who fought alone, smiled while breaking the laws of physics, and probably bench-pressed galaxies for fun.
Garou had memorized the Epic of Origin before he knew how to do math.
And here was his idol. In the flesh. Big, barefoot, and beautiful in his own terrifying way.
Bang whispered urgently in his ear, "Apologize before she makes you into a training dummy."
Garou stood up instead, didn't say a word, and walked away.
But just before leaving, he paused next to Naruto.
Then he waved.
Not out of politeness. Not in apology.
But like a rival declaring war.
Naruto blinked. "Huh?"
Then it hit him.
'Oh great. Another psycho has added me to his bucket list. Why do I attract the weirdos? I'm literally just a simple farmer!'