Reiji stumbled into the forest clearing like a man who'd rage-quit reality and respawned without reading the tooltips.
The air hummed. Trees flickered between HD and PS2 graphics. Birds froze mid-flap like someone hit pause. The ground vibrated with a familiar, terrible rhythm.
THUD.
THUD.
THUD.
Reiji squinted. "Oh no. That's a boss walk cycle. I know a boss walk cycle when I hear one. Please tell me I didn't just wander into a fog gate."
A wall of smoke materialized ahead.
A fog gate.
A literal, shimmering, Souls-style fog gate.
Reiji stared at it. "Okay, first of all, that's copyright infringement. Second, I do not have the emotional strength for this."
A notification blinked above him:
> [WARNING: ENTERING UNSCHEDULED BOSS ARENA]
Difficulty: ???
Patch Notes: You're screwed.
"…At least they're honest."
The fog parted, and out lumbered something that absolutely did not belong in the forest.
A giant boar.
Not just any boar — this thing looked like someone modded a regular boar with twenty different cheat menus at once.
Metal armor.
Glitchy purple flames.
Red eyes.
Hitbox bigger than its body.
"WHY is the Hog Rider from Clash of Clans fused with Ganon?!" Reiji sputtered.
The beast roared like a corrupted Skyrim dragon loading in with missing audio files.
Reiji backed up. "Hey, buddy, let's talk this out. Patch 1.12 probably nerfed you. Right?"
The boar charged.
Reiji screamed and dove behind a tree. The tree exploded into polygons.
"Cool. So trees don't exist anymore. Great."
The boar scraped a claw against the ground, glitch sparks spitting. It was preparing a second charge.
Reiji checked his HUD desperately.
> [Emergency Override – 7hours 02minutes REMAINING]
"Perfect. I'm basically in Dark Souls without my estus flask."
He grabbed the first thing in reach — a stick.
A flimsy, in-game tutorial stick.
He checked the item description:
> [Novice Branch]
Damage: 1
Durability: Also 1
Special: Breaks if looked at aggressively.
"Oh yeah, this'll save me. Might as well be throwing a Poké Ball at Arceus."
The boar charged.
Reiji braced himself—
A blue blur flashed in front of him.
A sword slashed through the air with a clean, perfect Zelda parry sound.
Kael landed in front of him.
Hair glowing.
Armor shining.
Pose disgustingly heroic.
"Stand back, outsider! I shall—"
Reiji cut in: "Dude, aren't you dead? Or supposed to be dead? Did I enter a flashback? DLC? A secret route? WHAT IS HAPPENING—"
"Silence!" Kael shouted, charging the boar with a battle cry that sounded straight out of Fire Emblem.
He slammed into the monster, sword blazing.
Reiji raised a brow. "He really wakes up every morning and chooses 'main character.'"
But something was wrong.
Kael's sword hit.
The boar's health bar… did not move.
A red error text flashed:
> [This enemy has been corrupted beyond scripted parameters.]
Kael stumbled. "What sorcery—?!"
The boar swiped him across the clearing like a ragdoll in Skyrim when gravity breaks.
Reiji yelled, "BRO YOU DIDN'T CHECK ITS LEVEL! THAT THING IS LIKE A RAID BOSS FROM ANOTHER GAME!"
Kael groaned, trying to stand.
The boar turned toward Reiji, eyes full of digital static.
"Okay, okay—Plan B." Reiji grabbed a rock. "Skyrim taught me rocks solve everything."
He threw it.
The rock hit the boar.
The boar duplicated into two boars.
Reiji's soul left his body. "WHAT GAME LOGIC IS THAT?!"
He ran. The two giant boars barreled after him like Mario Kart players with infinite mushrooms.
Reiji dodged left, slid under a glitching branch, and yelled over his shoulder:
"THIS IS WHY TUTORIAL BOSSES SHOULD STAY IN THE TUTORIAL!"
Kael, limping but determined, raised his sword again. "Come, outsider! Together—!"
"Nope!" Reiji shouted. "I've played enough RPGs to know 'together' means I die in the cutscene while you unlock a new move!"
The boars roared.
Reiji skidded to a stop and yelled at the sky:
"HEY OBSERVER!
IF YOU'RE WATCHING AGAIN, STOP STREAM SNIPING!"
A single, massive eye flickered in the distorted clouds.
Kael froze mid-action, like someone paused his game.
Reiji flipped the sky off. "TURN OFF GOD MODE AND FIGHT ME LIKE A NORMAL CRAZY COSMIC ENTITY!"
The eye blinked.
The world rumbled.
Reiji felt the pull of glitch energy gathering around him like he accidentally activated a cheat code.
Kael choked out, voice distorted:
"H-he… is watching…"
Reiji braced himself as everything blackened.
"Cool. Guess we're doing the horror arc now."
To be continued...