There's nothing special that marks this morning different from any other. No dramatic lighting, no birds singing, no clouds in the sky - not that we have clouds worth watching except those rainy acidic days or really any birds worth noting.
There is just the morning, like it's any other.
It feels a little bit like a dream. But the dream is broken when Ivan approaches me. He's smiling. Not that that's so strange - I feel like Ivan has almost always been smiling at me when I saw him.
"Good morning, Sarah."
"...morning, Ivan." I don't return his smile.
I can't, not really, not when the weight of today is pressing down on me.
It's finally today.
The day of the operation. The day we'll be escaping.
His expression softens. "...You look nervous. You should have eaten more, maybe you're just feeling a little lightheaded?"
"...Maybe." It's not that.
He hums. "...We're getting everyone together. It's time for final preparations, to explain how this will all go." He smiles, but there's something different about this smile. More serious, and a little more grim.
"...Right."
I follow him.
The people we're passing seem...incredibly ordinary. They're not armed, or dressed in camouflage. They don't have big packs on their backs and they're not obviously preparing to leave at all. No one is rushing or even moving with any real speed.
They're walking and chatting and carrying on just like normal.
Like we're not about to set out for the most dangerous stunt I've pulled...
Ever.
In my life.
Like this won't be the deciding day between if we end the evening free and heading home or if we...
If we probably don't make it to see the end of the day.
I swallow.
A hand appears on my shoulder. It's firm, warm, but gentle. It doesn't grab me, or squeeze my shoulder, it just...rests there. Like a simple presence of warmth.
I don't look up at him, I just glance down at the hand and take in a deep, slow breath, then look ahead again and keep walking. His hand stays on my shoulder, but it's not...uncomfortable. If anything, it's almost a reassuring presence.
Ivan is so calm, even after all this time planning and waiting. And...if he believes this will work...
I guess he has to. We all do. Because this might be the only shot any of us have of ever getting home.
We can't. Be afraid of losing before we even go.
Right?
Ivan stops.
Just in the middle of the hall. He's still looking ahead, but he's not moving.
I blink and turn my face up to him. Did he forget something? Did he realize something? Is something wro-
"It's fine to be afraid." He turns and smiles down at me. But there's a heaviness to it that wasn't there before, I think. Or I just wasn't noticing it.
He reaches out and pats my head, and for some reason the gesture makes my throat feel a little tight.
"I wouldn't want you on the team if you were too dumb to be afraid. Fear can be a strength, and it keeps us cautious." His gaze is level and calm. His voice is low and soothing. "...It's alright to be afraid."
"You don't have to patronize me...."
He laughs. "Is it patronizing to be afraid?"
"...I'm not a kid, Ivan. I don't need to be comforted." My voice is a little more harsh than I mean to sound.
"Hm." He nods, expression thoughtful. "...Perhaps I am a child, then. I'm quite frightened myself."
I blink and look up at him.
He is still smiling, and his face is still relaxed and unbothered.
But I look into his eyes. He is calm. He is collected, as always.
But he is also serious.
And there's a faint trace of that same fear he says he feels. That fear I feel.
I swallow and look down. "...Sorry." It's quiet, but I don't want to say it, so I let the quietness slide.
His smile broadens, and I hear a soft laugh as he ruffles my hair. I squirm away and huff at him.
"Don't worry about it." He straightens. "...It's a scary day." His eyes meet mine. "...What matters is to face that fear even when we're terrified. Because there's so many here who can't."
"...Right." My voice is quiet, but my throat isn't so tight.
We start walking again. This time his hand doesn't find its way back to my shoulder.
We get to a large room, with a large table. On that table are a lot of papers - maps of some kind, or at least what look like diagrams. There are other people already there - Sinead, Peter, and some others I know from around but I haven't learned the names of yet.
"Ah, Sarah." Peter greets me.
I nod in response. "...Hey." It's a little awkward. But I'm not exactly good at this whole...professionalism thing.
Sinead looks at ease, sitting on one of the chairs in front of the table, hands resting on it as her fingers tap idly.
She offers a little smile, but she's looking at the papers.
Peter's gaze returns to the same, and he hums to himself. He points at one. "I think this one is most recent, boss."
Ivan nods. "It's the most updated version we have, yes. I don't think much will have changed since we last scouted the area."
Sinead smiles. "You've gone over it so many times I think we all know it better than the back of our hands, Ivan." Her tone is light.
Ivan's eyes flick to her and he laughs, a small smile on his lips. "...Yes. It's still important to go over the details. For the members of the group who haven't heard it yet."
Peter makes a small sound of agreement. "It is."
Sinead laughs. "Of course." She smiles, looking at the others in the room. "...You don't have to be so scared, Sarah. It's a good plan. A solid one. It'll work."
"...Right." My voice is still hesitant.
Peter glances at me, and his expression softens.
He gestures at a chair.
"Here, sit down. Your friends will be here soon. Then we'll start."
"...Right." I move to take a seat. Sinead scoots closer and smiles, her hands patting my shoulder and back a few times.
"You can do it, Sarah." Her voice is soft. It's almost motherly.
I don't look up at her, and she doesn't press the matter, or say anything more.
I just...sit there.
Quiet.
The door opens and Mia enters, followed by Eric. They walk in together, and they take a seat near to me, Eric on one side of me and Mia on the other. Eric squeezes my shoulder and offers a smile. "You ready to get home, Sarah?"
"...Yeah, I am."
Mia offers me a bright, encouraging smile. "Just stick near us."
It takes a little bit, before Hestia appears, hair messy. Clearly, she must have slept in. She still looks groggy.
I'm a little jealous she managed to sleep so well.
I don't think I got a real...wink, really.
But...
But.
That's okay.
Because after today. I have to believe. We'll all get all the rest we want.