I used to be the one he relied on.
When did that change? When did he become someone I could lean on instead? Usually, he used to rely on me for everything.
I haven't slept since last night, not because I had things to do, just because sleep refused to come. For two days now, I've done nothing but be sick and rest.
Unconsciously, I lowered my head and looked down at my little brother, who was sleeping beside me. He was still asleep, his breaths soft and even. That alone was strange, he usually rose before I did. Maybe he was tired after working last night.
That thought stuck in my chest. He had gotten a job ahead of me.
I reached out and touched his cheek, brushing a few strands of hair from his face. Just to make sure he was still there.
I have known loss and even now, some part of me fears waking up alone in this world.
I hate being left behind. Mother left us once… and she took more than just her presence. She left a deep scar and a responsibility too heavy for my young shoulders. I'll never forget that day. Although I still needed her, she vanished from my life. She leaves me and Luca alone in this cold, merciless world, aimless to find our way.
But I learned to smile again because I had Luca. He was my reason. My warmth. My shelter was when the world became too harsh.
Then came the disaster last week. I wasn't afraid of the tremors or the collapsing world. I was afraid of the sight of him bleeding, crumpled on the ground. I felt my heart stop. I thought he'd leave me too.
I could bear all the hardship in this world, become a place for him to rely on, and become his pride.
What's all the point of that, if everyone you love leaves you behind? It would be better if I could just join them.
But… he didn't leave. He's here, safe, alive. He only lost a little of his memories.
I smiled faintly and ran my fingers through his hair. He is my precious little brother.
He's gotten more handsome lately. clean. well-dressed. Even his hair is tidy. I wouldn't be surprised if Rin had already fallen for him.
I bet he'll be a heartbreaker when he grows up, and I'd have to give him a long lecture if he ever became a playboy.
I chuckled quietly to myself at the thought.
Look at him now, he is shorter than me. But his back seemed a little broader now.
That realization stung.
The thought of him becoming more dependable now is aching my heart a bit. While she is only breathing.
Still... doing nothing.
I used to protect him, scolding him for staying up too late. I used to tuck him in when the wind howled under the bridge.
Now, he's the one carrying everything. Working, thinking, surviving—
And I... I woke up. That's all…
He even brought medicine for me while I was sick. I don't even know where he got it.
A terrible thought crept into my mind.
Should I just disappear like Mother did?
Wouldn't that make things easier for him?
No.
I shook my head.
He still needs me.
I spent hours staring at the ceiling of the bridge, thinking of useless things. Before Luca awoke beside me, it was around nine.
He sat up slowly, greeted me softly, and went to wash up at the river.
I drag myself up and smile when he turns to check on me. He doesn't say it, but I see it in his eyes. It's a relief that I'm still alive.
And that hurts me more.
I don't want to weigh him down.
"Lu, I'll go to the city gate and beg today. I feel better now," I told him.
"No need, Sister," he said gently.
"I already earned some money. Look." He opened his palm, showing me a handful of copper coins.
I counted them, twenty. That was a lot, it's more than I'd ever gotten. The worst thought clings to my mind, as he grows more capable, I'll be the one left behind.
He… didn't need me anymore.
I clenched my fists and tried to find an excuse, something, anything to still be useful.
"It's not enough. I'll still go begging today."
"Sister, listen to me. I will earn more later. Just stay here with me"
"No. Y-you want to abandon me. I'll go."
"Sister—!"
I didn't wait. I ran away. I knew his leg was still injured. He couldn't stop me.
I'll show him. I'll prove I'm still useful. I can still be the older sister he can rely on. Someone he can be proud of.
But reality didn't care about my pride, because sometimes you cannot change the situation even with a lot of effort.
I begged and begged. Again and again. No one gave me even a glance.
I get nothing, not even food.
"Please… someone…" I called out, voice shaking. "Please, I'm hungry…"
I call out, trying to get some sympathy, but they just pass by, like I didn't exist. I start to doubt my actions.
Is there any use for this? Am I truly needed in his life?
What kind of sister am I?
I… can only be a burden.
Still, I refused to give up. I had to prove my worth. I repeat it in my mind to motivate myself.
Then I saw a wealthy girl dressed in fine clothes and glittering jewellery. I rushed forward, knelt in front of her.
"Please… I'm hungry…"
"Get out of my way." Her voice was like ice.
"You useless, filthy rat. Know your place!" She walked off, nose wrinkled.
Sometimes people say mean things, but I tend to ignore them. But today was different. Maybe I wasn't in the right state of mind, because those words cut deeper than I expected.
I sat there, stunned, staring at nothing.
I don't know why, but the words came back to me. The ones I used to sing for Luca, when the nights were long and the hunger wouldn't go away.
Her body began to tremble as they slipped out on their own, dry, hollow. Not to comfort, but to fill the void.
… Under the willow, soft winds cry,
Stars… fall slow through a broken sky.
Hush… now… darling. Close your eyes…
Morning… . waits where silence lies…
And then—
"Sister!"
Luca…
He came, limping toward me, leaning heavily on his cane. He knelt down in front of me, with eyes full of concern.
"Are you hurt?" His voice was soft and gentle, like always. While I just silently look at him without words.
"..."
"I bought bread," he said softly, placing it gently in my hand. "Let's eat together, alright?"
I stared at it. Suddenly, I felt a surge of anger in my heart.
Then I raised it, and I wanted to throw it away.
But I stopped.
I remember how much effort I put into begging, just to earn food in the past, and slowly, I lowered it again.
He's grown so dependable, even with everything falling apart. He's managed to buy bread for us. And yet I'm so blind, ready to cast aside his effort over a moment's anger.
I am… shameless.
My fingers tightened around the bread as I asked him, my voice trembling.
"Am I… a useless sister?"
The words escaped before I could stop them. And once they were out, everything else followed. The pain, the shame, and the tears.
I don't want to cry in front of him, I don't want to look weak, and I… don't want him to pity me.
But when the words finally came out from my lips, it hurt me so deeply. It sent warm tears trailing down my face, and I cried until it was hard to breathe.
"Hic.. hic… a-are you.. going to.. abandon me.. Lu…?"
My voice broke, and I couldn't even speak clearly
Then suddenly, Luca held me so tightly.
"Lu…?"
"Stupid…" he murmured. His voice trembled. "You're the place I belong. You're my family. You helped me through everything. It's not about being useful or not. It's because… you're precious to me. "
His eyes were red, and the words…
They were the words I needed more than anything.
I buried my face in his shoulder and cried harder.
Because even if I was weak now, even if I'd lost my pride, at least I still had him.
And maybe… that was enough.