It was evening. The breath taking aroma of shahi paneer filled the house. I knew what mummy was cooking yet I went in.
"What's in dinner today?" I asked
"Shahi planer, Kush had been demanding I cook it."
"Yeah, he loves it!"
Despite being twenty two year old my elder brother is a kid inside, a naught one. Even now he would complain when mummy cooked karela and the list follows.
Then aunt came in.
"Do you need a hand?"
"No, don't worry."
"Okay!"
"Moksh told me to wake him up by 7:30, he said he had to do his homework."
"I'll do that!"
I could hear Moksh making sounds, begging for two more minutes. Moksh had always been the one who needed sleep atleast ten hours a day. If he would get anything less than that he becomes sluggish.
At 8 p.m. sharp everybody was ready for dinner. The food was delicious. As a cherry on top it was hilarious to see my elder brother literally devour the food. We later had ice cream and then some family talk. Mummy and Aunt wouldn't stop telling us about our elder brother's childhood, like how he would run away from home, how he wouldn't let anyone sleep at night as he wouldn't stop crying and what not. Summing up it was fun.
At 10 p.m. we went to bed. I went in my room and laid on the comfortable bed. This mattress was much better than the one I was used to and I have grown to be pretty fond of it.
After about fifteen minutes of me lying their I was deep in thoughts. Home. Seems a word with a lot of weight. Home what was even that supposed to mean? Which is my home the one I grew up in or the one I live in now? How do you define home? Is it a place where people wait for you? Is it a place that makes you feel comforted? Is it a place where you have family? Family! What is family? Is it blood relation? People who care about you? People who understand you? People who try to understand you? People who are there in your ups and downs? Ups and downs my life has been always down! How could I say that! I have so many people who care for me! They care about a person even like me! The truth is wherever I go I am confused. Confused what to carry and what not to. Confused who to be and who to be not! Life if meaningless! Or am I making it!
Before I could realise it I had fallen asleep. Sleeping with these thoughts has it's own disadvantage.
I was hunting down my target, I was the predator while he was the prey. I ran my blade through his chest and when I looked up it wasn't him it was her, my companion, my teammate, my comrade who would patch me up, watch my back and made sure I was following my medication. Blood, her blood started dripping from my fingers. When I looked below I was standing on pool of blood, her blood. The next moment it was my mentor lying in the same pool with his blond hair getting crimson from the life containing liquid and the next moment it was his wife her red hair merging well with the surroundings. I stepped back to barge into someone when I turn around I saw corpse of my brother Kush and beside it was Moksh in the same state and then it was everyone else.
I woke up visibly shaken it was at time like these I appreciated having a separate room. My whole body was covered in sweat that's when I spotted it, blood flowing from my fingers. The blood kept flowing and flowing, it was dripping everywhere, I tried washing it off but it didn't go, it just kept dripping and dripping. Then the blood disappeared and it finally occurred to me I was hallucinating again. I slammed my fist into the wall and I kept repeating this again and again. If only I was stronger, I could have saved them, if only I wasn't this weak, if only I was more useful then they wouldn't be dead by now, they would be living a good life, the life they deserve. Then why? Why them, I should be the one who had been the one to die! Am I a curse! Yeah maybe I am, whenever I get attached to someone they end up dying! It's all because of me! Why! Why am I so useless? What if anything happens to Moksh or Mumma or big brother or any one else cause they were unfortunate enough to get me as a family member! What then! What would I do then! I touched my face and when I removed my hand I truly saw who I am. The crimson liquid was dripping from my face and this is what I truly am an assassin a bloodstained assassin! I just sat down not knowing what to do. I was an utterly useless case, no light is going to reach me. Then the realization hit me, my hand was bleeding then I looked at the hole in the wall I had created by punching it again and again for no reason. I sneaked out of my room the find something to patch me up. I patched myself up pretty quickly (I am kinda good at this stuff after so much unwanted practice of getting hurt). I really need to cover this up explaining this to mumma would be so hard besides I don't want to ruin my act of being the cutest daughter. An idea occurred to me, I just tore a paper from my notebook and taped it onto the wall such that it covered the hole. This would do at least temporarily but I'd have to fix it in near future. I laid down not willing to sleep again. And one again started thinking about the life I had left behind, the life which still haunted me, the life I still carried fragments of. Sometimes I just wanna disappear. Disappear into thin air. Disappear so no one could find me. Erased from everyone's memories. No matter where I am, how I am, what I am, there is this one constant unwavering feeling 'Sometimes I just want to disappear.'