Chapter 3: Everything Seems to Be Going Smoothly
While Komachi and her friends were bonding at home through the sacred traditions of watching anime, eating trashy snacks, and playing tickling games, the already bored-out-of-his-mind Hikigaya, eager to cause some chaos, finally heard the doorbell ring again.
It was like music from heaven.
He opened the door in high spirits and saw, standing there, a black man who radiated "terrorist" vibes from head to toe.
Ah, one of the Yomi Warriors. Looks like the teacher job has been taken care of—efficient!
You ask how he knew it was someone from the Yomi side? He doesn't want to talk to you and throws one of Komachi's socks at you in response.
"Pretty efficient. Deserves praise," Hikigaya said with a smile to the black man. He raised a hand to stop him from trying to kneel and salute. "Later."
"Komachi, I'm heading out for a bit. You and your friends have fun, but remember—don't open the door for anyone, got it?"
"Got it!" Komachi, who was at that moment watching some borderline H-anime with a flushed face, waved him off impatiently. But she quickly "realized" that wasn't the right response, and under Hikigaya's "You want me to tell everyone you're watching this stuff?" glare, she switched to home-mode.
"Big bro, be careful when you're out, okay? Come back early—I'll make something tasty for you."
This brat! Abandoning her dear big brother the moment she got a taste of H! What's this world coming to?
Make sure to save it for me, too! I wanna watch it when I get back!
With such thoughts in mind, Hikigaya left the house.
Turn left? Hell no. He grabbed the black man (who looked quite distressed) and with a mix of leaps and flights, dashed off far into the distance.
Hikigaya's "mental distortion" aura naturally activated.
No ordinary person could see him, so he zipped eastward like a rocket.
"Alright, this place should do." Once they arrived, he put the black man down and patted him on the shoulder like an old buddy, ears perked for good news.
Why's this dude shaking? Is Tokyo Bay really that cold? Aren't you known for being a tough guy?
"Please, my king, spare my life!" The black man dropped to his knees with a thud, utterly confused by Hikigaya's puzzled gaze. "I didn't know someone in the princess's circle knew who I was. I'll go eliminate their families immediately to ensure no one leaks your identity!"
The plot escalated fast, but Hikigaya still managed to understand the gist.
Basically, one of Komachi's friends had seen this Yomi warrior before, and the guy immediately assumed the worst and mentally constructed an epic chain of consequences.
"Back to the point." Hikigaya waved his hand. "Is everything settled?"
"Yes, my king. You can start work tomorrow."
"Work? I'm going to play, not to work," Hikigaya corrected him, righteously. Then he asked, a bit sheepishly, "By the way… is the salary high?"
Now he was getting excited—how should he price his ghost-hunting services going forward?
"Well… I wouldn't say it's high…" the black man looked troubled.
Of course, in the Yomi World, jobs usually start with assassination-level duties and payments in USD. Being a P.E. teacher was probably a joke gig. And now Hikigaya had the audacity to ask if the pay was "high"? Awkward!
"Why don't you just become the principal instead?" the black man asked tentatively.
Then—smack!—he was nearly flattened into the ground by Hikigaya's "gentle" pat of encouragement.
"Sorry, sorry," Hikigaya quickly pulled him up, looking genuinely embarrassed. "Forgot you were a bit fragile."
The look of regret on Hikigaya's face made the Yomi warrior feel deeply hurt.
My king! Seriously, I'm not weak! I'm really not!
But as the lingering pain crept through his bones, the warrior decided it was wiser to swallow his scream, internalize it, and eventually convert it into something unspeakable to be expelled later.
He really wanted to slap himself a hundred times. That bunch of senior agents were jerks—they tricked him into thinking this was an easy job!
Turns out, the rumors were all true—Demon Kings wear human skin but are monsters through and through.
Capricious, absurd, and impossible to deal with on a human level.
Hikigaya, of course, had no idea what sort of inner storm this poor guy was weathering. In fact, he found him rather likable and decided to appoint him as his official liaison with the Yomi World.
To leave a good impression, Hikigaya decided to show his most righteous, noble, and just self.
"Being a principal is way too important. I'm a newbie with no experience—taking that position would be irresponsible," he said with a hearty laugh. "Let's stick with P.E. teacher for now!"
"As long as you're satisfied." The black man wiped cold sweat from his brow. Despite being a martial arts expert, today's stress had pushed his heart to the limit.
Next time, even if it means faking death or accepting a suicide mission, he would never take on this kind of task again.
"Oh right, which school is it?" Hikigaya suddenly asked.
The black man quickly responded, "It's the princess's school. Our organization has already acquired it, so no one will interfere with you there."
"Komachi's school, huh?" Hikigaya thought for a moment.
While it might seem a little weird to be the P.E. teacher at his own sister's school…
There's no rule saying he has to be her class's teacher! And besides, hearing this brat call him "sensei" at school… eh-heh! That might be kinda awesome!
Old Blackie! You nailed it! You're a real talent! You've got a bright future!
Hikigaya, who still didn't know the guy's name, gave him a glowing mental review.
"Oh, and don't go back for now. If I need you, I'll call."
With a wave, Hikigaya strolled off, leaving behind a man whose soul visibly Yomiened with despair.
When he got back home, the place was still rowdy. The anime on the screen had changed, now showing something with an eerie visual tone.
From the way that girl who looked like Kuroneko (Gokou Ruri) was watching so intently, it was probably that show from OreImo she liked best—the one she always used to bicker with Kirino about.
Hikigaya scanned the room full of girls with a sinister glint in his eye, smiled wordlessly, and happily headed upstairs by himself to read his favorite mythology and history books.
And this time, Tamamo-no-Mae, who had been curled up in a corner until now, didn't stick to Komachi like she usually did. Instead, she silently followed him all the way to his room.
He randomly grabbed a book from the shelf and sat in a chair. In a good mood, he greeted her.
"Yo, Miss Foxdog. What can I do for you?"
Then she immediately dove at his feet like an overexcited dog, rubbing her head all over his pants.
Damn it, get off! You think I can't see the oil stains around your mouth?
He cast "Uncle Moisturizer, Only for a Moment" to cleanse her thoroughly, followed up with "Uncle Sae Wants to Sunbathe Today," which turned her hairstyle into a grassy mess. In under two seconds, her makeover was complete.
He tossed the fox onto his bed and glared.
"Speak properly!"