I was born during the era when noble families held the highest status, and the Zhao Family was not merely aristocratic; there was even a noble title in my household, with a wise and capable elder brother leading the family. My life should have been as beautiful and flourishing as orchids and jade trees, naturally destined for greatness.
Yet, I was born at an unfortunate time, caught in the political turmoil caused by Empress Jia, as the Great Jin's fate wavered. Empress Jia was unwilling to see us brothers united and feared we might band together against her, so she persistently sowed discord between us. My brother and I tried to outsmart her by pretending to be successfully provoked, making our relationship appear tense.
However, once certain words were spoken, they could not be taken back. Over time, it was inevitable that we would suspect whether the other was using this pretense as an excuse, and if what was said was actually heartfelt, leading to a deterioration in my brother's relationship with me.
I considered myself outstanding, yet perhaps because my brother was too dazzling, everyone could only see him and not me. Perhaps from a young age, I was envious of my brother! Especially after my brother had publicly insulted me, maybe the seeds of resentment were already sown then.
Later, my brother's only son passed away, and his grandson was feeble-minded. Without an heir, he reluctantly had to pass the title to my son. At that time, my heart was filled with more joy and satisfaction from avenging grudges.
I had always been envious and resentful of my brother, yet I respected him as well. I was self-aware enough to know that in every aspect, I was inferior to him, but I never thought that in the end, my son would outlive his son, and my grandson would be smarter than his grandson, feeling as though I had finally leveled the playing field.
However, the circumstances changed too quickly. My brother, to protect the family, willingly went to his death. At that moment, my heart was conflicted. I didn't know whether, if faced with the same situation someday, I would be able to sacrifice my life for justice like my brother, and whether I could perform better than my brother.
After my brother's death, Luoyang descended into chaos at an alarming speed. Zhao Ji, along with Mrs. Wang and others, escorted my brother's coffin back home but lost Mrs. Wang and her children, as well as my brother's coffin along the way, while his entire family returned unharmed. At that moment, I thought I was deeply disappointed in this son, yet I didn't know there would be countless future instances of even deeper disappointment.
I thought my grandson could surpass my brother's grandson, but perhaps my brother's grandson was not smart, yet he had an extremely intelligent granddaughter, whereas my son and grandson were truly foolish.
Hanzhang managed to take control of five counties in Yu State in a short period and cultivate her own loyal Zhao Family Army, repelling the Xiongnu and coming to Luoyang to protect the emperor.
However, the current Luoyang is in shambles, and the emperor no longer wanted to remain here. He wanted to relocate the capital, and Hanzhang also did not wish for him to stay here. To reassure the emperor, my son and I had to act as hostages and go to Yan State.
Before leaving, Hanzhang wanted to seek justice for herself and Second Son, forcing me to kill Mrs. Wu. At that time, I felt somewhat sad and disappointed, but later, she asked me for leniency, yet I became even more disappointed. What disappointed me was my grandson was nowhere near Hanzhang.
It was at this time that I truly understood the helplessness my brother felt before his death and how he felt when he scolded me back then. Perhaps he did not despise me nor was it to humiliate me. He truly hated that I did not live up to expectations and was genuinely worried about having no successors, just as I am now.
The main lineage actually could not find anyone qualified to be Clan Leader, causing Hanzhang to repeatedly propose Zhao Ming as Clan Leader, yet this was something I absolutely could not accept.
I went to Yan State, acting as a hostage to buy Hanzhang enough time to develop while working hard to maintain a good relationship between her and the emperor.
During the summer solstice sacrifice to heaven, Hanzhang suggested I feign illness intermittently in hopes of taking me home. I can see she is sincere, but I am just a bag of old bones now; returning alive is of no use. Here, perhaps I still have some use for Hanzhang and for the family.
Originally, I wanted her to take my incompetent son back to at least preserve his life. However, unforeseen circumstances came abruptly; the Xiongnu army menaced the border, and no one could leave.
Yan State fell with unimaginable speed. I was captured alongside the emperor. For the sake of the world, for the sake of the people, to prevent the Jin Army from being threatened, I urged the emperor to commit suicide because, as loyal subjects, we cannot kill the sovereign.
I guess, I too have finally reached this day, wanting to perform as well as my brother did.
However, I overestimated the emperor's courage and integrity. He could not bring himself to commit suicide, and so it came to nothing. However, it wasn't long before Hanzhang seized Pingyang and captured Liu Yi, the youngest son of Liu Yuan.
Liu Cong killed all his other brothers and then wanted to force Hanzhang to kill Liu Yi, sending the emperor poisoned wine. This time, I finally persuaded the emperor to drink the poisoned wine, and I drank it as well. From now on, no one will be a burden to Hanzhang, she will avenge us, and reclaim lost territories because she is the granddaughter of my brother!
And I can finally perform as well as my brother did, not failing the family and the state throughout my life.