Should the day ever come when a towering man with a crimson face, flowing beard, and verdant robes stands before you and boldly proclaims himself to be Guan Yu...
Ordinarily, in such a scenario, you might simply call the local opera troupe to inform them one of their performers has gone mad.
But there are exceptions. For instance—if this so-called "Guan Yunzhang" radiates an aura of imperial dominance, and bears the unmistakable grain of carved wood upon his body...
Then perhaps, the only appropriate response is to fall prostrate in reverent homage.
Truth be told, Chang Jinya still harbored doubt, so he muttered in a daze, "So... he really isn't from the opera troupe?"
Before his voice had faded, Guan San let out a thunderous growl of righteous wrath. The sheer weight of his authority surged forth like a tidal wave, leaving everyone breathless with awe.
In less than a third of a second, Chang Jinya abandoned all skepticism and dropped to his knees, kowtowing fervently: "Lord Guan, please forgive this disciple's ignorance! I was wrong! I shall immediately prepare a proper offering of three sacrifices upon my return!"
And thus, dozens of gang leaders simultaneously fell to their knees, each clutching three incense sticks, bowing again and again with solemn devotion.
As Zhou Dashan mumbled under his breath—"Better to err on the side of reverence than risk divine wrath!"
In that instant, as the entire hall knelt in unison, the lone figure still standing—Chen Mo—naturally drew every eye.
"How dare you! In the presence of Lord Guan, and you still refuse to kneel?" Scarface Liu, eager to curry favor with the deity, barked indignantly.
But before Chen Mo could reply, the deity seated upon the shrine raised a hand and said, "There is no need. Master Chen is a dear friend from my mortal days, and indeed, my spiritual mentor… Master Chen, please come and be seated by my side."
"Well, at least you still have a conscience," Chen Mo sighed in relief, and under the wide-eyed stares of the crowd, strolled nonchalantly to the divine altar.
Using the motion to conceal his words, he whispered, "Old Guan, keep striking the pose. I'll say a few words, then let's wrap this up and go grab supper."
Though this private exchange lasted mere seconds, to the awestruck gangsters below, it only added to the overwhelming sense of mysticism.
A confidant in life? A spiritual teacher? Could it be that the casual exclamation of an adult video dealer truly summoned the Divine Guan with such ease?
Heavens! Even calling Ultraman requires a skyward cry and a few minutes' wait… What has the world come to, where deities appear as readily as summoned taxis?
This thought alone stirred newfound reverence in the eyes of all as they gazed at Chen Mo.
Chen, however, knew his own limitations all too well. Fearing that prolonging the charade would only invite exposure, he stiffly declared, "Lord Guan is pleased with your devout faith. It brings him great joy. Keep up the good work. The Lord shall now take his leave, and so shall we."
Saying this, he stepped on Guan San's foot—who was still dramatically holding his pose—urging him to rise and make their exit.
But before they could take more than a few steps, the gang leaders, exchanging urgent glances, suddenly cried out in unison: "Lord Guan, stay your steps! Enlighten us, we beg you, and illuminate the path for the Wuyi Hall!"
"Enlighten you?" Chen Mo scratched his head in frustration. Yet seeing that the crowd now blocked the exit entirely, he had no choice but to pause.
Zhou Fatty sprang nimbly to his side and whispered, "Master Chen, our previous leader died under suspicious circumstances… and tonight's gathering was meant to be strictly confidential. So how did someone manage to ambush us? Don't you think that's strange?"
"You mean… there's a traitor?" Chen Mo smacked his forehead, blurting out the words before he could stop himself.
Immediately, the gang leaders sprang to their feet, brimming with rage and righteous fury.
Chang Jinya narrowed his eyes at Scarface Liu and said pensively, "Exactly! We only learned of the meeting spot this morning—how did word leak so quickly? There must be a mole among us!"
"What the hell? Say what you want, but why look at me?" Scarface Liu roared, jumping up in protest.
What followed was a spirited exchange of family-oriented insults, some passionate physical entanglement, and a few well-aimed, long-range spits.
Chen Mo could only shake his head in dismay. Taking advantage of the chaos, he pulled Guan San aside and whispered a few words.
Upon hearing the plan, Guan San froze in surprise. "Will it work?"
"It doesn't matter. We don't have a choice. Unless you want to end up in pieces," Chen Mo replied, patting his shoulder before turning and clapping authoritatively. "Enough! Lord Guan commands that all of you kneel and silently recite his holy name three hundred times, with complete sincerity and no stray thoughts!"
"Huh?" The gangsters exchanged uneasy glances, visibly hesitant.
But before they could disobey, Guan San gave a chilling snort. Stroking his beard and lifting his arched brow, he unleashed an oppressive aura so fierce it swept over them like a tempest.
Startled, the gangsters instantly prostrated themselves, trembling and reciting with devout intensity, not daring even a glance upward.
Chen Mo let out a quiet sigh of relief, and swiftly opened his laptop. With a flicker of scenes from Journey to the West, a greenish light descended from above, enveloping the entire hall.
In that moment, the gangsters all froze, as if gripped by a paralyzing spell.
Seconds passed. Some began to twist their faces in torment, others broke into cold sweat, as if beholding their worst nightmares.
Guan San furrowed his brow in confusion. Chen Mo tapped him on the shoulder and whispered, "Don't say a word. I queued up the 'Hell' sequence—right now they're either being deep-fried in oil or forced to climb a mountain of blades!"
In truth, inducing a hallucination across dozens of hardened minds is no small feat.
But with their spirits already shaken by the divine presence and overwhelmed by Guan San's imposing aura, the laptop's illusion had no trouble taking hold.
Soon, Chang Jinya and the others were trembling like epileptics. Suddenly, Scarface Liu let out a shriek, his face ghostly pale: "I am guilty! I am guilty!"
"Hmm? Is it him?" Chen Mo perked up, ready to extract a confession.
But no one expected Scarface Liu's next words to be: "I'm guilty! I enjoy slave-and-queen roleplay! I force my wife to dress as a dominatrix and whip me, drip wax on me… Judge, I beg forgiveness—I swear I'll never do it again!"
Clang! Guan San, stunned mid-reverie, almost dropped his mighty blade—unclear if from shock or envy.
Before he could react, Chang Jinya shouted, "I'm guilty too! I've been hiding hundreds of thousands in private funds! When my wife asked, I told her I loaned it to our brothers for resettlement!"
"I too am guilty!" Zhou Dashan beat his chest, tears streaming. "Last month, I wore sunglasses and watched the Chinese men's soccer team play… and I actually enjoy the CCTV version of The Legend of the Condor Heroes! It makes me laugh until I pass out!"
"What the hell? Is that supposed to be a comedy?" Chen Mo muttered, watching as the gangsters sank into heartfelt, soul-scouring self-confession.
In mere minutes, their revealed sins could fill an entire book.
Chen Mo was so engrossed in the juicy gossip that he nearly forgot his original purpose—until—
"No! Don't push me into the oil cauldron!" A middle-aged man among them suddenly screamed, rolling on the floor in terror. "I didn't tell the East Star Gang about the meeting spot—I only told a foreigner…"
"That's him!" Before Chen could react, the laptop lifted the illusion on everyone else but kept this man bound.
In an instant, the gangsters collapsed, gasping, soaked in sweat as though emerging from a storm.
But upon hearing that confession, their expressions darkened. "Son of a bitch! It was Old De? Damn, he really had us fooled!"
With that, Chang Jinya and Scarface Liu lunged at him in unison, clearly intent on delivering swift and painful justice.
Unwilling to witness the bloodshed, Chen Mo clasped his hands and said, "Now that the traitor has been exposed, I shall return Lord Guan to his divine realm… Oh, and for the record—I heard everything."
A guilty silence followed. The gangsters stared at one another, knowing full well his words were no denial but playful provocation.
Still, their shame kept them from protest, and they could only watch as Chen Mo and Guan San exited the hall.
When they'd nearly reached the mountain path, Zhou Dashan suddenly called out, "Lord Guan! Master! I dare to ask… who shall be the next leader of the Wuyi Hall?"
"Draw lots," Chen Mo replied without even turning, his voice casual and unapologetic.
At that very moment, Guan San seized him and leapt into the air, soaring over ten meters toward the mountain trail.
In the wake of his departure, a deep, resonant cry echoed through the hills, shaking the forest to its roots: "I take my leave. May you govern yourselves with wisdom."
"Draw lots?" Zhou Dashan murmured, still lost in the weight of the question.
By the time he rushed out to bid farewell, the mountainside path was already silent—the two figures had vanished without a trace.
Chang Jinya and Scarface Liu came hobbling after, glancing skyward in solemn awe. "Divine beings… truly divine. They flew away like immortals!"
Their words drew unanimous nods and murmurs of reverence from the others.
Zhou Dashan still seemed dazed, pondering the curious solution of drawing lots.
Scarface Liu nudged him and whispered mysteriously, "Old Zhou… don't worry. We'll ask the Master again next time… Don't look at me like that—I just happened to pick up his business card. I know where he works."
As he spoke, he produced a card from "Lucky Restaurant"—which had slipped from Chen Mo's pocket.
In the blink of an eye, the gangsters pounced, scrambling to snatch it, hoping to catch a whiff of celestial luck.
None of them noticed the faint voice wafting from the distant brush, where Chen Mo groaned, "Damn it, Old Guan! Aim before you leap next time… Who the hell dug a pit this deep?!"