Lilian arrived at her room and called for two deaconesses to help her bathe. While in the bathroom, her thoughts wandered once again.
Every day feels suffocating...
She had grown tired of helping the Church take people's lives.
Since she was young, the people of the Empire taught their children that black magicians were evil from birth and should be feared. Countless stories had been passed down about the wickedness of those born with dark magic. Tales of witches who ate children, enchantresses who seduced and caused conflict, curse-weavers who demanded sacrifices, and necromancers who killed to raise more slaves. Growing up hearing these things, Lilian was hostile toward them as well.
She vividly remembered the first time she took another person's life. It was the day of her first mission to hunt down a group of dark magicians spotted in a town when she was fourteen. At first, it was going well. Lilian had only been sent to assist, to help treat injuries and cast barriers and support spells for the Paladins. She was there to gain experience and witness a battle firsthand. Their enemy was a group of black magicians hiding in the slums, accused of stealing from merchants and vendors.
Lilian was left on a corner of the street with her guards, away from the fighting.
Why did they even bring me here if they won't let me join the battle?
Loud explosions could be heard in the distance. Screams and cries echoed through the air. Lilian wondered what was happening when she spotted a man running away from the direction of the battle, carrying something wrapped in cloth.
Only Lilian saw him. The holy knights who were supposed to be with her were too busy chatting amongst themselves. Lilian quickly assumed the man was a black magician trying to escape with stolen goods.
She quietly followed him, sneaking away from the others. When they were far enough from the knights, she called out.
"Hey! Come back here!"
The man, noticing Lilian in her church robe, began to run faster.
She chased him through the narrow alleys, her heart pounding. After a while, she lost sight of him and began searching through the dark, crumbling streets. Then she spotted him crouched next to a small boy, no older than five or six. The child was crying, and Lilian immediately assumed the man was trying to harm him.
Without hesitation, she cast a spell Lumos, her magic teacher, had taught her. She had no idea what that spell would do to a regular person. When she practiced it on Lumos, he was unaffected, thanks to the auto anti-barrier protecting his body. She never realized that against an ordinary, unguarded person, the spell would leave a hole through their body.
It was too late to understand what she had done. The magic struck the man's chest. He fell to the ground, blood soaking the ground beneath him, and dropped what he was carrying. The cloth fell away, revealing two small pieces of bread.
"Dad!"
The boy screamed when the man collapsed. He didn't see Lilian at a distance as the one who killed his father. It had all happened too fast.
Lilian froze in place.
"Dad! Dad! Wake up! You promised we could finally eat today!"
A wave of terror washed over her. She had killed a person.
It turned out those so-called black magicians stealing from vendors were only trying to survive. No one would hire them, and they were hunted constantly for being born with dark magic. That man she had killed was one of them, only trying to feed his starving son because he had no other way.
In that moment, Lilian realized this wasn't eradicating evil. It was pure slaughter of people who had no means to fight back.
The knights eventually arrived, realizing she was missing. They found Lilian still standing there, her face pale and terrified.
That night, Lilian cried herself to sleep in Sylvia's arms. The next day, she begged to take care of the boy. Sylvia, seeing the guilt in her, asked Julius to send the boy to the church orphanage. Thankfully, the child had no dark magic, and Julius agreed.
From that day on, driven by guilt, Lilian prayed to the Goddess Leticia for forgiveness. She devoted herself to following the holy doctrine she once took for granted. The words, "Help the weak and the poor," became a personal vow. Whenever she could, she sent gifts to the boy anonymously, promising herself she would support him until he was strong enough to stand on his own.
Since then, Lilian always hesitated when Julius sent her on a mission. She fought in the front lines because it was her duty while hiding her identity in the pretext of "safety" ordered by Julius , but she would only take a life if she was completely certain the person was guilty of terrible crimes. After all, not every priest was good, and not every black magician was evil. In the presence of someone innocent, Lilian would let them escape.
She knew she was no saint. She was just a murderer weighing another person's sins before deciding to take a life. She does not saw herself as a saint above others but as a sinner who kills other sinners.
That was the burden she chose to carry.